( RENEGADE )

          Frustration is an emotion he has yet to master, an unfamiliar sanguine tint that ravages at his cerulean veins. intricate mazes of calmness, one that closely mimics the serenity of the closeted arms of the forest. fauna, grown as high as that of his own demise, arms that wisp towards the skies, heaven beaming down on everything beneath. and when faced with such adversities, his own patience comes to test against the emotions of frustration, one that brushes at his temples, pulsating with annoyance. a hand moves to rake back the strands of brown, a tint darker than the forest that was his soul, caged by the fear of the unknown. 

OPEN STARTER Multiple responses are welcome.

                  The Christmas Market had started some days ago and he was here alone. Just a hint of guilt plagued him as he felt genuinely relieved to be attending the market alone, finally. His first visit this year was enjoyable but not as much as it could have been since he spent the entire day playing babysitter. That was a role he thoroughly enjoyed on most occasions but with a new (busier) holiday schedule implemented, not so much. Sungha wandered around aimlessly with curious eyes that darted from one booth to the next. Everything was organized so beautifully and the Christmas music that played faintly in the background really gave the place a holiday feel.

                  He’d only been traveling for a couple minutes but the winter chills had already started to get to him. Three readjustments of the thick scarf his grandmother knit for him some time ago just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He needed something more reliable, preferably something warm and edible. Sungha made way for one of the vendors that appeared to be selling hot chocolate. A huge smile torn at his lips as he hurried towards it, bumping into another individual in the process.

                  “Oh, sh–” His words were cut off and he took a few steps backward, bowing towards the other. “I’m sorry. I didn’t spill any hot chocolate on you, did I?”

          He found himself wandering around the market by himself, layers and layers of black clothing clinging to his shoulders, an equally large scarf strangling him in hopes of warming him up, a beaning over his head and cup noodles in his hand as he walked around, breath drawing a hazy screen before him. hazel hues dart about, as cold fingers twitched, encased in countless sleeves as he draws a warm sip from the cup. the sudden bumping of his shoulder causes him to jut, almost choking on his noodles before turning around, only to see his brother. ❝ no, but you made me choke. ❞ finishing up his cup before tossing it into the nearby bin. ❝ going with anyone, hyung? ❞ rubbing his palms together, resonating heat between his hands as he slides them back into his pockets.

he was alone to the market because he figured some so-called ‘me time’ was in dire need. he had spent countless days in the past week, perhaps months (he wasn’t sure, it has all been a blur) practicing and training as if cerulean veins had not already adapted to his own lifestyle. knockout was now something that needed more of his time and attention, leaving the bench early and giving more opportunities to his reserves. 

From: 인형 To: 에테르 

I’m sure there’s people on here who are professionals at talking to strangers at this point. There’s always those who don’t have any shame, who don’t have anything to hide. Or do you think everything has at least something to hide, even when they pretend that they don’t? I don’t mean to get philosophical here – I’m just thinking out loud. Well, on paper ㅋㅋㅋ

I don’t think you sound obnoxious. I think places like this were basically made for people who are either lonely and a bit unhappy or maybe people who have great stories they want to share with others, but the former might be the most common. I can relate to both; not liking who you are and not liking what you do, I mean. I do think it’s intertwined, since your job kind of defines you as a person. Not entirely, but it kind of does to the outside world, I suppose. Maybe that’s why we don’t like who we are – because people have these assumptions that make us feel bad about ourselves? But then again, I don’t know who else I could be or what else I could do, so maybe I’m really just wishing I could be someone else, someone better, when I have to accept that this is my life.

I’m just a boring editor. I do most of my work from home, which is maybe why it gets lonely. I don’t exactly meet people who I feel a connection to when I’m sitting behind a computer. Being a physiotherapist sounds tough, but I’m sure it can be a rewarding job. You’re helping people get their lives back; I think that’s quite admirable. Is acting something you’ve always wanted to do or is that a recent thought? Perhaps I’m reading into it wrong and it was just a joke, it’s hard to tell from written text.

I think what I like about writing is that I can reread it and reconsider before I decide to actually send it. Talking isn’t like that; once you say something, you can’t take it back. For a long time, I believed my opinion didn’t matter. I wasn’t allowed to talk to clients at my previous job – not about personal stuff, anyway. It all had to be work related. I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to go out and look for people to talk to; I just had to give myself permission this time.

Yellow and red? That’s an interesting combination. I like it, though. They seem like happy colors. Is that a weird observation? They’re… fiery. Bright. I’m really sorry to hear about your childhood and I’m sorry you feel that way about your parents. I think I disappointed mine. They no longer wish to have contact with me. Perhaps I could try to reach out again, but I don’t think I can handle another rejection from them. I haven’t improved much, anyway. I wouldn’t blame them.

This got long. Definitely not a good bye. I may have overshared a bit, though. I apologize. You’d think I don’t go and see a therapist every week ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Hopefully awaiting your response,

Your local disaster. 

PS. I’m really craving a bath right now.

From: 에테르 To: 인형

i watched my sister’s philosophy lecture videos the other day, and it really got me thinking about death, not death death like killing death but just the concept of death. i promise i’m not a weirdo with a death kink, just hear me out for a second and think about this concept okay... do you fear death? if you do, do you fear the state of being dead, or the experience leading up to being dead? for instance, if you’re being mauled over by a bear, are you afraid of the pain the bear will cause, leading to your death or just the death part? i found it really interesting how philosophers actually separated the ‘what leads you to death’ to the whole death death thing. anyway, sorry, huge tangent that went nowhere, it just came to my mind ㅋㅋㅋ

do you really just accept your life as it is? i think we have a responsibility to control and change what we don’t like about ourselves, but i think that alone is the hardest thing to accomplish. movies make it seem so much easier. do you think somewhere in the future, we’ll have some sort of happy ending like most movies do? i heard the little mermaid story, in the original one, she actually ends up dying with her tongue chopped off... which is... not exactly what kids like to hear and see. is that how i’m going to end up? dead on some deserted shore on a beach of some maniac scientist with my organs ripped out? the visuals here are not pleasant, i’m sorry i’ve been in a weird part of my life lately, and i’ve also been watching a lot of wack things on youtube. i don’t think it’s healthy overall.

oh, an editor! i’ve never spoken with an editor before, and i don’t think being an editor is boring at all. i hear it is quite interesting and oddly... peaceful? or maybe i’m just talking to the wrong kind of editors...  ㅋㅋㅋ and yes, i’ve thought about acting... but i don’t think i’d go very far with it, if i’m being one hundred percent authentic. 

oh, what was your previous job? i thought i’d give it it’s own paragraph, since it seems to be an important time in your life? or maybe, i too, am reading too into it. 

if you ever do reach out to your family, i hope you’ll write to me about it. i’d be interested in seeing how it went, maybe i could live vicariously through your life decisions with your family. since, i’m never ever going to reach out to mine. i think improvement can be seen in many ways, you said you never had anyone to talk to, yet here you are talking to someone... i think that’s an improvement, and it is an improvement nevertheless. so, i think you’ve improved.

kind regards,

Stardust’s back connected with the dirt, eyes going up to the darkening sky, a soft gasp parting their lips. They hadn’t a moment to process what had happened. At one point they were pulling the last of their laundry down from the clothesline, tossing their soiled clothes from the day’s antics down into the opposing basket to the clean one. This was normal, this was how Stardust spent their days. What wasn’t normal, however, was a hand extending and pressing into the center of their chest, knocking them backward.

In a daze the redhead allowed two fingers to press to the space between their brows, rubbing gently. “Who pushes someone down in their own yard?” Stardust replied, tone uncertain as they found themselves in a sitting position, blinking slowly. “Do you… frequently feel up wild animals in the forest then? Because I can tell you that if I were a deer I would be very uncomfortable with this development.”

Stardust eventually reached for the hand that had extended to them, their free one grabbing the pair of yellow sweatpants that hung just above the two on the line. “I was doing laundry, that’s a normal thing that normal people do. You were climbing through bushes and feeling me up and attempting to cut me into tiny star bits.” They said as if It was the most obvious thing in the world, and really to the swamp with it absolutely was.

The act of tugging the sweats on was quick as they had always tended to be a modest person and well… this person had seen everything. A light blush painted their cheeks. The top of their shoulders. The tip of their nose. Though, that could have all been easily attributed to the cold.

         An arm raises, continuing to rub nervously at his nape, finding that someone was doing their laundry in the middle of a forest was peculiar, but he was never one to judge.  ❝ sorry... ❞ he repeats, features forming crescents as downturned lips move to curve in agonising remorse. he tucks the pocket knife back into his pocket,  ❝ do... do you live here? in the forest? ❞ he moves a few steps to look around,  ❝ ahh! not that it’s a bad thing... ❞ he nods, finding the sudden increase of mist covering at his feet odd. he worriedly looks around, features clearly forming into one of panic, instinct taking over as his hand grabs at the pocket knife again, yanking it out and positioning it before him. the mist came so suddenly, almost out of nowhere. he turns to the other, a slight tilt of his head,  ❝ d-does this happen often? ❞

he begins to pace closer towards the other, assuming that if they had lived here, they would know what the hell was going on. cerulean veins quickly turn murky with dismay as brows knit together, unsure of what to do next from here, as the mist thickens and vision dawns down to a mere haze of smoke and dust. 

the game was intense, it made riino grasping her hands hard, eyes watching carefully at the school team and cheered loudly whenever, and whoever scores. at least, a day to wind down the tension coming up to her exams are paid off well with this school trip. her friend kept tugging her arm, pointing to a particular person on the court; a tall young man with deep brown-ish hue painted on his locks. “ riino, that guy is the freaking star. “ her friend’s eyes sparkle in excitement and riino let out a soft laugh, landing a soft smack on her frien’d forehead. “ yah, get it together. we never know if you ever got the chance to talk to that guy. “ riino chuckled, continuing her attention to the game, but now her eyes glancing to the person her friend pointed earlier here and there.

after that friendly match, a whistle echoed through the court and the students of yongdeok academy cheered as the game ends. the coaches from each respective team instructed both the students and the national team to hang around and mingle for awhile. the excitement showers the young students as they now crowing the court, talking with the national team members, taking photos, asking for advice and so on. riino, glued to her friend, chatting away and laughter rang through as they talked to other girls who fangirled completely over the national team player. “ i dare you to take a photo with him. i dare you. “ riino poked her friend’s side, earning a soft smack on her arm. “ yah, kaede riino, how about you take a photo with him. you’ve been taking photos of others and you don’t even taking photos with us. “ her friend exclaimed, riino replied with rolling her eyes in annoyance, “ i’m a certified photographer here right now, now can you ju— “

speaking of the devil; both riino and her friend’s eyes widened in surprise, but earth calling riino at that second and she quickly smiled, her cheeks puffed up doubling in size (no wonder they called her, mochi cheeks) and warmly shake his hand as she bowed. “ ka-kaede riino, very nice to meet you and it was a fun game to watch! meet my friend, she’s a huge fan of yours. she can’t even stopped talking— “ riino stopped as her friend yanked her arm, earning a quick glare and she couldn’t help but letting out a soft chuckle. “ i don’t really do sports— “

“ she does cheerleading for 8 years. “ her friend blurted out, perhaps a small revenge on riino.

well here goes nothing.

“ nonono. it was a long time ago, back in japan. so i’m a bit stiff. anyways, it was a great game, oppa. i heard the national match is coming up soon ? “ attempting to steer away the topic, riino hoped that her friend doesn’t get her in a small trouble, like doing cartwheels on the court perhaps.

          As the other introduced herself, a warm smile forms onto his features, a slight bow of his head in return. he turns to the girl by the other’s side, nodding accompanied by his generic smile tugging at his corners, ❝ cheerleading is tough, so i hear. ❞ he nods again, features forming crescents as the others continued, slight envy blossoming at his cerulean veins, finding himself slightly enjoying the company of the two. growing up he seldom experienced the companionship of friends, family was never a thing he had prided himself in having, nor the kindness of others that reflected in his own actions scarcely ever caressing his cheek. temples pulsating with anger, slight bitterness lacerating his reverie fuelling it with nothing but a special kind of distaste. and he his hues divert, moving to rest onto the girl before him.

❝ oh, you’re from japan? ❞ hues brightening up in curiosity, he has visited japan a couple of times, more times than he can count and he has always found himself exploring and liking japan more and more with every passing visit.  he nods in response to her question, ❝ yes, nationals are almost here. hopefully we can bring home a win. ❞ an arm raises rubbing at his nape as a nervous chuckle seeps through his lips. he turns to her friend, a slight tilt of his head as he begins to enquire, ❝ and what’s your name? ❞ he mimics his actions before, offering her hand to shake, before retrieving it back by his side again.

            She nodded occasionally to reassure the athlete that she was indeed paying attention despite being bored out of her mind. Frankly, she could care less about sports and hadn’t taken up one in years, since middle school to be exact. That was also apart of the reason she was dreading this interview. Not necessarily because interviews weren’t her strong point but because the subject was not a strong point of interest. The corners of Minjung’s lips turned upwards once he finished saying his piece and she changed positions in her seat. 

            “Awesome! It sounds like you’re really passionate about the sport… which is good. There’s no point in wasting time with something you don’t enjoy, right?” A soft chuckle left her lips and she scanned her notebook once again. This would become a habit for the interviewer who was swift and precise in her efforts to move things along. “You are still very young though and I’m sure you hear that a lot but how do you feel about the success you’ve achieved at this age?” The woman started. “I’m guessing you can’t always live freely like other young adults your age. Do you ever wish you’d chosen a different path?”

            Like clockwork, her fingers pushed against the recorder and she waited for Haneul to answer. Minjung’s eyes were still fixed upon her notebook and she subtly flipped through the pages. It was important that all of her questions were readily available, especially the handwritten ones she’d come up with. If only time could pass faster for those were much more important.

          He nods as she spoke, very much agreeing with what the other had to say. time was valuable, and there was no need to be wasting it so vainly. a subtle smile tugging at his corners, slight hesitance seeping into his cerulean veins, as if incurring some sort of trauma from her words, he found truth in them yet also he found a deep sense of lost. he was lost. music was something he suddenly wanted to pursue, as if his parents’ words had finally gotten through his thick skull, but sports something he had already created a name for himself. there sat two dilemmas on each shoulder, limbs resting wearily as the interview proceeded.

❝ i wouldn’t say i’m successful. i’m just more fortunate than other’s to have found this opportunity, i’m sure if someone trained as hard as i did, they’d find themselves in my position quite easily! ❞ he nods slowly,  ❝ but in terms of how  i feel? i feel lucky. ❞ 

he pushes through a bush, feeling something fleshy on the other side, his hand reaches out giving the piece of flesh a rough push before jumping out from the bush, waving his pocket knife vigorously. a part of him had suspected to be some sort of animal he could hunt down and eat for dinner, if things came down to that. upon realising that it wasn’t a wild beast, but in fact a human, he hurriedly rushes to @wystardust‘s side, offering a hand. ❝ agh, sorry. i thought you were an animal. ❞ he pauses, ❝ not that you look like an animal. no, i just thought... who... why... w-why would someone, why, why are you naked? ❞

a teammate tosses the ball towards him, an arm reaches out swooping it into his palm before tossing it at @wyhimchan​. haneul had a long list of strengths, but an equally long list of weaknesses as well, one of which was the three point shot. although, he was known for his accuracy and agility on the court, he was better known for his ability to do successful passes and slam dunks when his team needed it most.

he moves to step inside the court again, a hand moves to rake back the strands of brown hair. he wasn’t sure where the hostility came from whenever he spoke with the elder, in the articles that he would be interviewed in, he always gave the other high praise, for he believed they were the better of the two. he was but a young boy, having been hit by a stroke of luck, strong enough to have given him the talents that he possesses. another ball aims at him, this time he swoops it up in the palm of his hand, knees come to bend and arms move to motion his shot towards the hoop. by a stroke of equal luck, the ball falls into the hoop from the distance he was at. he tilts his head, slight shock tugging at his features.

From: 인형 To: @wyhaneul

Good afternoon~

I apologize in advance if I come off very strange or awkward, I have never done this kind of thing before. And by that I mean I haven’t messaged any of my other matches. I make this sounds like a dating website, I can promise you I’m not looking for anything like that ㅋㅋㅋ

In all honesty, I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Maybe it’s really just someone to talk to, preferably without them knowing who I am. I realize that sounds shady, but I’m so tired of other people deciding how I should act and who I should be. I’m not here to vent, I suppose I’m trying to explain. Truth is, I’m really lonely, but I can’t go out and talk to people. They make me turn into someone I don’t want to be. It’s hard to explain.

I can understand if you don’t have time to entertain the likes of some anonymous person on the internet who has already spent 90% of this letter complaining about their life. I’m not sure I would want to; it sounds like a lot of baggage ;;; I’m not even sure how to do this without giving or asking for too much personal information. Maybe I really just needed someone to vent to without showing my face. I’m sorry you had to be that person.

I’d like to think I’m a good listener, though. You know, if you’d ever want to vent about anything in return. But no pressure.

I have already made this so awkward ;;;;;;

We can talk about anything, though. Ah, I find it hard to pick a favorite color, so I will say pink and blue. I’ve never been out of the country. My family had a ginger cat when I was little, but I can’t remember his name. I just remember his big brown eyes. I’m an only child, I can tie a knot in cherry stems with my tongue and I was that weird kid that asked their mother to put fruit in their dosirak every day.

Ah, I’m hoping for a reply, but you might as well have a super busy life or gotten many messages from far more interesting people ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Sincerely,

A tired stranger.

to: 인형 from: 에테르

i think it’s only natural to feel as if this is awkward ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 

i mean, i signed up to find people who would hopefully in some aspects share my thoughts... a lot of the real life people don’t. i think it’s weird to find more people online that share similar experiences to me than my own real life family and friends. so in that regards, i understand where you’re coming from.

hopefully i don’t sound too obnoxious or unsatisfied with my life as these responses ping at your inbox. i think i like who am i, but not so much what i do, but then i think those two things should always be intertwined with one another... maybe i don’t really like who i am, that’s why i don’t like what i’m doing? what do you think? what do you do for a living? 

i’m a physiotherapist, but maybe i should try acting... ㅋㅋㅋ

i don’t think it’s baggage, i think what people tend to complain about comes from frustration and the inability to control their temperament. i also think typing out things is easier than to actually form real life words from your mouth, i think it would sound too dramatic. so, by all means complaining is always welcomed here.

both pink and blue are really nice colours, but i’d have to say mine are yellow and red. i wasn’t allowed to have pets when i was younger, my sister had one later on when she moved out but then she grew too busy so my brother took care of him instead. i’m the youngest of the three and i don’t think i like being the youngest. you’re quite lucky to be the only child. i don’t have a lot of memorable moments as a child, especially the ones where my parents are involved. i think they might’ve forgotten that i even exist... ㅋㅋㅋ

i hope to hear from you soon as well, unless you found me no longer appealing to share the details of your life with, then i guess a good bye is more appropriate ㅜㅜ

     A gentle smile pulled at her corners, only growing as he spoke - utterly surprised such a nice man would teach her how to drive. Honestly speaking, she’d never had someone want to take interest her enough to help her learn things outside her family, and even there it was hard to come by. A simple nod was the answer followed by voice filled with happiness. “Ah, that would be lovely, if its not too much trouble. I’ll try to be your best student.” Her statements finishes with a soft laugh, a hand moving to grab on to his arm, looping hers around his as he spoke. Only to laugh once more as the digit made contact with her cheek. “Ah!” comes out throughout her laughs only to send her into doing the same, only her finger poked at his nose. “Well, I’m fine with either. There or a date.” A free hand came up to run through her hair, cheeks growing pink at the thought as she’s never had a date. The young girl was always too focused on her own career to pay boys any mind, honestly she had never even shown interest in anyone. So what made this time different? “You lead the way to anywhere you want, date or not and I’ll follow you. However, I guess where ever we eat will kind of be a date hmm?” her voice is teasing as she looks up at him, her smile wide.

          He feels his cheeks growing warm, as a smile tugs at his corners. his mind wanders for a moment, thinking of a place to dine in. ❝ is it polite to take someone to a burger place on their first date? i heard that finger foods is a never on first dates. ❞ a sigh, disappointment exuding from his exhale. he has been on a few dates prior, especially during the times when his parents thought it was perfect (and completely not restricting his autonomy) to have forced him to engage someone he thought was ridiculously horrendous in both personality and occupation. she was a violinist who only ever let insults slip from her lips, a complete witch of a person. he shudders slightly, before quickly turning to serah, ❝ hamburgers, yes? ❞ he nods excitedly, feeling nervousness begin to rekindle in his stomach. it had been a while since he had last felt these creatures crawling in his intestines. 

      ‘Go figure out what he’s about’ she said in her bossy voice, sometimes Elijah did not know why he put up with Minjung’s crap. However here he was with this younger male in the gym - a place where Elijah only went when there was no people. A tired sigh fell from his lips as he spun the basketball on his finger waiting for ( @wyhaneul ) to get his shoes on.  You would have thought the female could have figured this out herself, but instead he had to do her bidding. Though he protested a bit all she had to do was raise her voice and he leaped. “Aye you ready to get swashed?” He teased, adding a chuckle to the end of his comment. Though Elijah knew he would be the one to get destroyed as he already a small briefing about the male from his female companion. He dribbled the ball, enjoying the high school throw back. “I may not be a pro, but I still got some moves on the court.” 

       Though he was trying very hard to be funny, it was not coming out as well as he hoped. Honestly he just wanted to ask the questions Minjung had very much insisted on asking and leaving. Though he had to go through with the lie the bossy female had told Haneul, “Elijah has been dying to work on his basketball skills, you think you could help him.”  In all honesty Elijah couldn’t careless about the sport - well not anymore.

      “Lets see what we’re working with, Aye? I promise to go easy on ya’” 

          The sudden invitation to gym with another person caught him slightly off guard, limbs tirelessly waver by his sides, as one lifts to run through his deep brown strands. a sigh leaving him, as a smile peers onto his corners as the other spoke. ❝ ready as ever. ❞ he nods at the other. a part of him found slight frustration in those who thought of him so highly, the youngest national athlete wasn’t as skilled as the media had covered him to be. he was just like any other kid, lucky enough to harbour some sort of talent on the court. adrenaline fuelling his veins, the cerulean maze beneath his flesh tints with sanguine excitement. finally, someone who doesn’t put him on the damn golden pedestal that he doesn’t belong on. he was a squatting, kind of guy. no chair needed. 

he moves to the court, rolling the sleeves of his jumper up to his elbows, recently he had chosen to dress more warmly, as if the cold zephyr that trickled down his spine would give him some sort of allergic reaction. ❝ i appreciate it. ❞ he smiles again, in cases like these he never fully exerted his whole potential, his coach told him not to play frivolously without supervision because if one injury, was to shackle him down... the team would be over. unless, chan carried them of course. which only ever resulted in a slight shrug of his shoulders.