Halsin's Biceps

Throughout the arguments against Kagha, Enelya was reminded - not for the first time in recent months - why she chose to not follow the path to leadership. 

Halsin heard each member of the grove out with a patience Enelya admired. It was no wonder he was held in such high regard; each person's words were just as important as the last. Still, she did not envy him the charge of being Archdruid. She could tell by the way he held himself - back straight, shoulders tense, eyes focused on each speaker - that his duties weighed more heavily on him than she had believed. 

Kagha and the druids who had followed her orders stood against the far wall. Kagha kept her arms crossed as their peers voiced their concerns and condemnation of the group's actions. Her eyes frequently flicked over to Enelya, and every time a scowl would etch into her face anew. 

Enelya did her best to ignore the venomous glares from the woman, but as time passed her skin began to crawl, the tadpole churned in her head, and she wished the ordeal were done and over with. She gripped the staff Halsin had given her and tried her best to pay attention to those speaking, but many of them made the same points as the rest, and soon her mind began to drift. 

Would this have been her life, had she not been waylaid by grief in the weeks after meeting Halsin?, she wondered. Sitting at his side, listening to the issues of the grove come forth each tenday? It was not unlike nobles and patriars in the great cities holding court, she mused. Druids might largely deny a relationship with civilization, but there were truly more similarities than not.

When the arguments against the offending party were finished, Halsin allowed the perpetrators a chance to defend themselves. Nearly all groveled before him for forgiveness, claiming they only wanted what was best for the grove and did not intend to align themselves with the Shadow Druids. Halsin heard them all with a careful, stony expression. When it came to be her turn Kagha chose not to defend herself, instead responding to Halsin’s inquiry with stoic silence. 

Finally, sometime after nightfall, Halsin rose from his stone chair and spoke, gesturing between himself and Enelya.

"Leave us."

Rath approached Halsin and the pair spoke in low tones. The guards took Kagha’s arms and led the accused parties out of the sanctum. Rath stepped away and joined the other druids as they filed out until only Enelya and Halsin remained. When the stone door slid shut above them, Halsin released a loud sigh and sank back onto the stone seat. His head fell back against his shoulders, and he rubbed his face before letting his arms drop limply to his knees. 

Enelya found herself slowly moving towards him, as if drawn by some unseen force. He was not looking at her - his eyes were closed - but she could tell he was aware of her presence in the way his body tensed and his breathing changed. It was only when she stood directly in front of him, her knees knocking softly against his, that their eyes met. 

Enelya longed to slowly reach out and slide her fingers into his auburn hair; to gently press the pads of her thumbs into his temples and scrape her fingernails across his scalp. She wanted to trace the tattoo that twisted down his cheek with a feather-light drag of her fingertips. She knew he would melt into her touch; that his chest would reverberate with a groan as his head fell forward to rest against her stomach. The tension would seep from his body, and his hands would slide up her thighs, gripping her hips as he pulled her down onto his lap…

Gods, she wanted it.

Halsin looked up at her expectantly, hazel eyes darkening and reflecting her desire, yet full of unanswered questions. When he spoke, it was a hoarse whisper.

"What happened, Enelya?"

She shivered - whether from the damp chill of the room or from hearing her name on his lips, she wasn't sure - and stepped away from him, shaking her head.

"Halsin, I know you are eager for answers, but this is really not the time for this conversation. Your thoughts should be on Kagha’s punishment, and I should be looking for a cure for... this .” She brushed her fingers vaguely across her temple with a deep sigh.

“I have already made my decision, and will enact it tomorrow." The tone of finality in Halsin’s voice allowed for no further discussion. Faithwarden or no, she didn't dare question his authority again after their confrontation earlier in the day. Halsin continued, “As for the rest, there is no more to be done tonight.”

“There is plenty to be done,” Enelya argued. She gripped the staff in her hands again, knuckles whitening against her skin. “You could tell me more about this Moonrise, or what you do know about the tadpole, for starters. Instead you'd rather rehash our brief history?”

He frowned and rose from his seat. Silence hung between them as he gazed at her, the frown deepening. "You were not one to avoid an uncomfortable discussion,” he finally replied. “But it appears you are no longer the person you once were.”

She raised an eyebrow at his statement. “You barely knew me.”

"No,” he admitted softly. “But I knew your spirit. Your soul drew me in, the way you shone brighter than the moon itself.” He raised his hand above him in a sweeping gesture. “The way you stood proud and tall, and danced with abandon. It was no wonder you were a champion of Mielikki. Now…” He shook his head. His hand dropped back to his side. “You do not hold yourself in the same way. There's a darkness in you, as if your brightness has been eclipsed."

Enelya crossed her arms. "I owe you no explanation for my change. The seasons come and go and yet you do not ask the trees why their leaves fall in autumn."

"You don’t owe me that, but you do owe me the truth.” He stepped even closer, close enough to touch. “I waited for you, Enelya. And when you didn't come to me, I sent birds to find you. When that didn't work, I wrote to Francesca. All she said was you had gone deep into the forest, and she did not know when you would return." He paused. “Or if you would return.”

Enelya did not reply. Her gaze drifted to the floor near Halsin’s feet.

He reached out then, slipping his fingers under her chin to lift her head until their eyes met.

"The truth is all I ask,” Halsin repeated gently. “Or, if you won't tell me that, then tell me our coupling meant nothing to you. Tell me you didn't feel the same connection I did, and the matter can rest."

His eyes bore into hers, and she was suddenly aware of his proximity, his warmth, the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. Her own chest tightened under his gaze, and she bit back the urge to nuzzle her face into his large palm and let him comfort her the way she craved.

She nodded, her throat dry.

"The truth, then.”

Halsin released her chin and stepped back. Enelya tried to ignore the crumbling sensation in her chest as he did so, instead gathering her thoughts and inhaling deeply to steady herself.

“Not two weeks after you left, as I was preparing to go to them…my mother and father died." Her voice was measured, matter-of-fact. Detached. "I honored them. I buried them. And then I retreated into the forest to grieve." She unfolded her arms and held them out from her body in a supplicating gesture. "There. Now you know."

Halsin's pained look reflected the sorrow he felt. "I am deeply sorry for your loss, Enelya."

She shrugged and let her arms fall back to her sides with a quiet thump. 

"...but why did you never write?"

" Gods , Halsin!” The words burst out of her and she glared at him. “What do you want me to say? I emerged from the forest after six months , and there was no word from you. Francesca said nothing to the contrary.” She paused briefly, biting her lower lip as she looked away. “I believed you had lost interest, or that you had found another, and I thought it best to leave you be. Our physical connection was brief, Halsin, and we can't make a garden grow where roots won't take." The words fell flat, even to her own ears.

Halsin shook his head, unconvinced by her entirely unconvincing argument.

“No. It's more than that," he said. "I knew from the moment I set eyes on you that this was more than mere desire. You know it as well as I, and I think you know it still. The roots of thiramin are dormant, they simply-”

“ Enough. ” Enelya’s sharp reprimand interrupted him and echoed in the large chamber. At the same time, she held a hand up to stop him speaking. Her eyes remained focused on the wall behind him. Her next words were quieter. "You deserve more than what I have to offer, Halsin."

His brows furrowed in confusion, and Enelya thought she saw a flash of hurt cross his face. "Why do you say that?"

"You see it better than I can explain. I’m no longer your thiramin , not really.” She shuffled her feet, lowered her head and whispered, “I’m broken.”

He reached out again, this time gripping her arms firmly, willing her to look at him. When she didn't - she'd surely fall into his arms if she did - he spoke urgently. "Enelya, none of us make it through this life unscarred. Do you think I would have asked you to be with me if I didn't want something imperfect? I want all of you. I want your pain and your anger and your sadness. All of it. But if you truly wish to break our bond…” He sighed and eased his grip, rubbing his thumbs once against the bare skin of her biceps as his voice dipped to a gravelly whisper. “...then I will not force you to stay."

Enelya believed him. She believed Halsin would take her just as she was and do all he could to make her see her worth every day for as long as they both would live…but she also knew he deserved better than that; deserved more than her tainted, angry self.

So she stayed silent and prayed that the lump in her throat would not give way to tears; her teeth ached from clenching her jaw. Water lapped softly at the rocky walls below them. 

Halsin finally huffed in frustration and pulled his hands from her arms. He spoke in a low, quiet voice, nearly a growl. "Go."

She raised her head then. "What?"

Halsin waved his hand in dismissal. "Go. Celebrate. Rest." A weary look settled onto his face as he sank down onto the stone bench once more. "I must tend to some things here. I'll be along later.”

Enelya nodded numbly, then turned and climbed the stairs out of the sanctum.

She felt Halsin's eyes on her every step of the way.

The grove was largely silent, only the chirping of crickets and the occasional shout or laugh breaking through the evening air. It had cooled to a comfortable temperature after sunset, and as Enelya made her way through the hills to the ruined chapel she found the slight chill on her skin to be a comfort. The knot that had formed in her chest during her discussion with Halsin slowly loosened as she walked.

“I want all of you.” Halsin’s words echoed in her mind. She could still feel the gentle brush of his calloused fingers on her arms.

Giddiness welled in her chest but was tempered by her sadness and her determination. Regardless of what she wanted, their thiramin must be broken, for Halsin’s sake. She could not drag him down this awful road with her. She clenched her jaw, pushed the thought of him from her mind, and kept walking.

As she reached the hollow outside the ruins where they had freed Lae’zel, a quiet whimper reached her ears, shortly followed by a soft thump and a groan.

“Silence, istik , or I will slice you belly to neck.” Enelya recognized the low rasp of the gith’s voice. Her heart sank, and she sprinted toward the sound.

“I told you what I know! They’re in the mountain pass, I don’t know how many!”

“Lae’zel!”

The githyanki’s head snapped up. Her eyes narrowed when she caught sight of Enelya striding toward her. “Leave us be.”

A young tiefling man knelt before Lae’zel, holding his stomach gingerly. Judging by the way he shook and how he kept his eyes fixed on Lae’zel’s boots, Enelya guessed he was terrified.

She shoved Lae’zel away from him. “What are you doing?” she snapped. Her pain and frustration boiled into anger here, away from prying eyes.

Lae’zel’s eyes flashed at the provocation and she stepped forward again, bringing her face close to Enelya’s as she snarled. “He knows where to find a creche . Since you have been less than accommodating in my endeavor, I have chosen to take matters into my own hands.”

The tiefling scrambled to his feet and ran back to the ruins, leaving the two women to glare at each other. 

“You don’t get to go around accosting innocent people for information,” Enelya said in a low voice. She could feel her veins pulsing, anger bubbling to the surface. She bit her tongue as Lae’zel pressed even closer to her, struggling to keep her frustration in check. The gith’s breath was hot on her face.

“And what would you have me do, istik ? Stumble around this forsaken place until we become ghaik ?” Lae’zel spat. “No. I will find this creche , and a ghustil will cure me of this tadpole. It is the only way.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“My people were slaves to these mindflayers long before you even drew breath, elf. We know how they are defeated. We know how to cure ourselves of their parasites. A zaith’isk will purify me, and I will return to my path of glory.” Lae’zel stepped away then, although her glare lost none of its venom. “And I will go alone.”

The anger dissipated from Enelya’s body suddenly and her eyes widened in shock. “Lae’zel, if you leave the protection of the artefact, you’ll die before you make it to the mountains.”

“I will fall on my sword before that happens.” Uncertainty briefly crossed the gith’s face, and Enelya seized the opportunity like a hawk on its prey.

“And if you can’t?” She kept her voice soft, placating. “We were lucky last night, but ceremorphosis could be instantaneous. I know you don’t want that.”

“Do not presume to know what I want!” Lae’zel snapped again. “You have all but ignored my wishes, my advice, instead prancing around playing she'lak to everyone we come across.”

Her accusation gave Enelya pause. She hadn’t realized she was ignoring Lae’zel; the gith had been quiet, keeping mostly to herself. But she was right. Enelya had been so wrapped up in helping others - saving the tieflings, saving Halsin, stopping Kagha - that she hadn’t given any thought to helping herself, nor helping those who were helping her. Beneath Lae’zel’s angry facade, Enelya sensed there was another message: the woman was feeling left out, and wanted to be heard. Enelya shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Lae’zel. I should have taken your advice more seriously.”

Lae’zel scoffed, but her eyes softened ever so slightly. “Your apologies are a weakness.”

“Maybe among githyanki , but I do my best to listen to all my companions.” Enelya held the other woman’s gaze sincerely. “I dismissed your insight, and I should not have. Truly, seeking out this creche may be the best lead we have, now that we know Halsin cannot heal us.”

Lae’zel’s chin lifted in pride. “It is our only lead.”

“Then we will discuss a plan of action with the others in the morning. I know you are eager to be purified, but we must stick together. I ask you to be patient just a bit longer while we prepare ourselves for what’s to come.”

Lae’zel considered her solemnly. “You are soft,” she said finally, her lip turning up into a small sneer. “But you are right. Our survival seems to be contingent on the artefact, and I will not leave its protection until we know more. But you must swear we will seek out the creche at our first chance.”

“I swear it.”

Enelya stuck her right hand out. Lae’zel eyed the offered hand warily, then slapped it with her own.

Enelya laughed suddenly, and she felt lighter than she had in days. “No, it’s a handshake.” She grabbed Lae’zel’s wrist and slid her hand into the gith’s, squeezing firmly. “It means we’re holding each other to our word.”

Lae’zel scoffed, but gripped Enelya’s hand in return. “Your customs are confounding,” she grumbled.

Enelya shrugged and released Lae’zel’s hand. “You’ll get used to them.”

Lae’zel returned to the ruins with Enelya in silence, stalking off to her chosen corner. Karlach intercepted Enelya and handed her a drink.

“Look!” Karlach reached out and pressed the tips of her fingers against Enelya’s forearm before the elf even realized what was happening.

“Karlach!” Enelya gasped and pulled her arm away, then paused when she felt no pain. “Wait.” She reached out and grabbed the tiefling’s arm. “You’re not hot!”

“Ouch, let a girl down easy,” Karlach said, feigning hurt as she pressed her other hand to her chest. But a moment later she grinned. “Dammon - that’s the blacksmith - he had some extra infernal iron laying around and fixed my engine, for now anyway. Great, innit?” She suddenly pulled Enelya into a crushing hug.

“Oh!” Enelya laughed breathlessly and patted Karlach’s back awkwardly. “I’m glad, Karlach. You seem happy.”

“I am! And now, I need to find someone to cuddle with. You should too.” With a wink, Karlach waltzed off to the fire, where a group  of tieflings and a handful of druids was already gathered and dancing, drinks in hand. Enelya shook her head with a smile and went off in search of her other companions.

Besides Karlach, no one seemed to be in a particularly festive mood. Lae’zel still kept her distance. Gale was quite melancholy, waxing poetic about his magical malady. Astarion complained about the wine. Wyll was on edge, barely able to converse as he continuously glanced over his shoulder. He finally excused himself and slipped away to gaze pensively over the river.

It was when Enelya sat down next to Shadowheart that the evening finally took a more interesting turn.

The women sat in comfortable silence and nursed their drinks for several minutes, during which Halsin appeared through a crumbling doorway. An excited chorus of cheers erupted from the group dancing around the fire. Zevlor approached him with a wide smile and gripped his arm in welcome. Enelya watched Halsin’s movements keenly, unaware that she was also being watched.

Shadowheart smirked and took a drink of wine. "You lied."

Enelya glanced at her with a frown. "About what?"

"About knowing Halsin." She gestured over to the hulking druid, who was now speaking animatedly with Zevlor and a number of others who had gathered. "The tension is practically roiling off you.”

Enelya hummed, hesitating before answering. "It's…complicated," she said, looking down into her own empty cup.

"Oh?" Shadowheart sounded intrigued. She grabbed the bottle of wine next to her and leaned to pour a generous amount into Enelya's goblet, giggling as she did so. "Do tell."

Enelya chuckled at the younger woman's eagerness, then sighed and rolled out her shoulders. She gazed upwards, watching the embers from the fire spark and pop into nothingness against the night sky. "You know about soulmates, right?"

"Yes, I know about soulmates. Not sure how much I actually believe in it, but…" Shadowheart eyed her. "You and Halsin are…?"

" Thiramin is what we call it in Elven. Not just anyone can be a soulmate for us, like humans believe. Only one true thiramin exists for each elf, and we might go our whole lives without meeting them. Halsin and I met two years ago, and it was an immediate and…” Enelya shifted, trying to find the right words. “ Intense connection."

Shadowheart sucked in a breath. Her eyes gleamed. "Did you…"

"Oh yes." The wine was making Enelya bold, her tongue more loose than it normally would be. It felt good, she realized, to talk to Shadowheart about these salacious bits of her life. She bit her lip as she raised her glass again. "Several times."

Shadowheart giggled. "You climbed Mount Halsin!" she teased. It seemed Enelya was not the only one feeling the effects of the vintage swirling in their cups.

Enelya laughed in earnest then, loud and throaty with her head thrown back. "Gods. We stayed in my room for two days. It was…" she trailed off, her cheeks warming from the wine and memories. 

Shadowheart nodded. "I'm sure it was."

They sat in silence for a moment, each of them quietly watching the man in question as he chatted with the others, unaware of their gazes. 

"I'm going to break thiramin ," Enelya said abruptly. 

Shadowheart looked at her in surprise. 

Enelya continued, "I can't bind him to me any longer, not after everything I've done - to him, to others. And with this tadpole, my days are numbered. Better to give him that than nothing." She smiled ruefully and sipped at her wine.

Shadowheart murmured her sympathies. Enelya thanked her, then paused.

"Actually…a cleric of Shar would be able to perform the rite I need." Enelya looked at her hopefully. "If you're open to it, that is. It would be helpful."

Shadowheart thought for a moment. "Normally I would…but I have no memory of such a rite. It would have to wait until we get to Baldur's Gate, if we don't find someone who can do it otherwise." Shadowheart ran a finger around the lip of her cup. "And, if I'm honest, even if I could do it, I probably shouldn’t."

Enelya frowned. "Why not?"

"My own feelings toward Halsin are…also complicated," Shadowheart said slowly. She swirled her wine in her goblet. "My Lady does have rules, you know. It would be quite the conflict of interest to pursue a man I have released from a soulmate."

Enelya's mouth dropped open into an o, and she glanced away. "I see." 

"But if you don't want me to…I mean, you'd have to be dead to not notice someone like that!"

"Agreed," Astarion drawled as he plopped down behind Shadowheart, goblet in hand. His eyes roved lasciviously over Halsin.

"You're undead ," Shadowheart reminded him, her eyebrow quirking in amusement. 

Astarion waved his hand dismissively. "A technicality, my dear."

Enelya chuckled and stared into her cup. "Shadowheart, if you would like to try your hand at climbing Mount Halsin yourself, be my guest."

"Truly?"

"He is not beholden to me, thiramin or no. Halsin has a very open mind about relationships, and we aren't…in love, or anything like that. We barely even know each other really. Even if we were together, he would be allowed to pursue his desires, and I mine."

"Wait, you two were…" Astarion looked over at her, confusion and excitement in his eyes. 

"Yes," Enelya replied. "We were."

He gave a harsh, barking laugh. "Well, that is interesting!" He flashed a smile, then took a gulp of wine and grimaced.

At Astarion's laugh, Halsin finally caught their eyes on him, and with an amused, curious quirk of his brow, he excused himself and made his way across the clearing.

"I can't help but feel I am the subject of your discussion," he said as he reached them. A smirk twisted at the corner of his mouth.

"Why yes, Master Halsin," Shadowheart said. Her words were teasing and slightly slurred. "Enelya was just telling us how the two of you met." 

"Is that so?" He looked down at Enelya, a glint in his eye. "Well, Enelya…please don't go spilling all of my secrets." He looked down at Shadowheart, and a heated look passed between them. "I would like to keep some things to myself."

A sharp pang of jealousy roiled through Enelya’s gut. She gripped the metal stem of her goblet and tried to ignore the feeling. Jealousy and envy were not becoming traits amongst elves and druids, where casual relations and polyamory were the norm. Halsin was not her possession, even if they were currently bound by thiramin . It was her choice to end it, and to avoid her longing until she could. She would not deny him or anyone else a chance at happiness.

She watched Shadowheart as her eyes followed the movement of Halsin's hips as he slowly sauntered away. Then she looked back, and to her surprise, Astarion’s crimson eyes were trained on her.