The loneliness has been getting to me recently. I don’t have much desire to do anything productive, nor have I wanted to for the past week. Haven’t made much conversation with anyone today and I have deleted all of my social media accounts minus this one. The emptiness I feel is not something I have felt in years.
Being single may have its perks, but waking up alone every morning knowing no one considers you special is not the greatest feeling. Warm socks, blankets, and extra pillows simply don’t replace a warm body next to mine.
I wanted to enjoy being single, I really did. I wanted to mend myself, better myself, learn to love myself. I have failed at repairing myself and I am left with a an empty mental state. I can’t imagine anyone caring for me because of my self-destructive tendencies and anxieties. I am not happy with myself, so why would someone else be happy with me? Why do I not value myself? Why have I had such difficulty in finding the drive to improve myself and figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life? Why is it that when I know I am fucking something up, I keep digging myself deeper? Why do I have such a hatred for the person I have become?
Sitting here rambling won’t do much to better anything. However, what is there left to do? I’m constantly unfocused, consuming alcohol and participating in self-degradation. The desire to reach out to people is there, but when I reach out I scare others away. I am slowly killing myself.
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