please

there is a tension in my body i cannot seem to release. i keep panicking. i keep twisting. im not good at anything or worth anything. im tired.

i am unfixable and spiraling. i wish my friends loved me back

i feel this quiet, bored pain creeping back into my life

spent months practicing not thinking about my feelings, reacting only to immediate needs for upkeep. it was going so well, never thinking about the future or anything outside of what was currently happening. i dont want to lose this. i dont want to go back to feeling.

considering self imploding and just destroying eveeything for no reason

the world is changing. ive been cslmer this year, though

any1 else have really bad disorded eating weeks where every food sounds terrifying suddenly even though it was fine three days ago

i fucking hate myself i get angry and then anxious and sick and then i cant eat

i have such a good time being manic i 4get its a symptom

im in so much fucking pain but i cant be alone in my bed because im being stared at and dissected i have to fucking sleep on the floor and im so upset and scared that my world is spinning and im hallucinating and trying to hold on and PLEASE PLEASE STOP ISNT GOOD ENOUGH I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO CUT OUT PARTS OF MY HEAD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO DIE

the sky is falling. my medications are bleeding my parents dry. theyre too nervous to tell me because they think ill kill myself over it. i cant trust how my mother relates to me because she treats me like ill break. my bestfriend handles me like im a child. nobody trusts me to regulate me. and maybe they should. anger and mania are indistinguishable and dangerous? every day im more out of step with myself, my thoughts dont make sense people dont make sense i dont feel safe in the way loved ones view me. ik they are lying. if i even broach it i get labelled as paranoid. cody and austin individually lied to me for years because they pitied or feared me. when does leni tell me she just feels bad for the crazy crippled kid? at this point im certain my value is entirely as a placeholder for a person. im not in here but it doesn't matter.

i feel sick and nothing ever changes and i just want to be happy. im terrified of mundane things. my heart keeps breaking over boys with girls and i didn't know i still had one. my plans for my future wont ever come true each day a new thing reminds me i wont get the things i worked for but i will stay a cripple, living as a burdon on my parents with no one who loves me. it will hurt every day until i die but we'll still throw a thousand painful, hope crushing experiments at it and my doctors will hate me more and more and my pill habits will get worse and worse and i did it to myself. i made this. i deserve it. but im done now i want to get off now.