There's things you never really understand, not until you’ve gone through them; have lived through the things that someone else has. It’s hard, it’s excruciating. She’d always been sheltered, protected. She lived a life of comfort, one she never thought she’d be taken from; it’s funny, how you take such things for granted.

     She knew what the others had gone though, to a certain extent, she saw the scars, she saw the way they hesitated, how hard it was for them to find themselves again, how some of them never did; but now, now she understands the struggles, the pain, how hard it is to move forward.

     She wants to move forward, go back to a time of ignorance, of not having to feel the pain of breathing, the pain of living, and maybe it’s because she can’t forget, she can’t move on that she harms herself in a way that’s disgusting.

     She wants to give up.

     Sleeping makes it worse, brings back the memories so violently that she wakes up gasping for air, leaves her withdrawn from the others.

     It started with small cuts, a knick here and there, unnoticable, or at least she thinks it is. She knows that Rohroh, at least, can smell the scent of copper on her skin even after she’s washed away the blood. It makes things easier though, makes her feel.

As if she wouldn’t choose Muu over Roh anytime, too.

Meanwhile this guy here is super salty over his Captain rather visiting a buffet with some stupid magician brat instead of his most loyal soldier.

Being as dumb as he was, he just stared at her for a few confused seconds, at first not really realizing what she was talking about. Of course he hadn’t forgotten their first meeting, and that it didn’t exactly went well, but it was something he never bothered thinking about. After all, back then, he had been so used to people acting rude towards him, he didn’t exactly pay much attention to her behavior. Of course it had pissed him off, but mainly just because he didn’t need her to tell him how disgusting was, not because he didn’t agree with her. Besides, he hadn’t been exactly nice to her either.

“I can do what I want to do. And when I want to be kind, then I’ll be kind, idiot.” He returned eventually with a huff, nuzzling her hair lightly. Oh, he had missed her scent, too. “Yeah, ye were a bitch, but I was a pain in the ass, too, and probably not a nice sight to look at. Besides, I didn’t expect anyone to greet me with open arms.”

     “I didn’t know what to expect, or know what I’d be coming back to.. I didn’t know how I’d be treated by my family, or the Corps.. I don’t.. want anyone to pity me, but I always pitied everyone else.”

     There’s a sigh as she practically curls up against him and a hand moves to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. She supposes she’s one of the lucky ones, having had someone to return to while most hadn’t the chance; their families having been killed, taken into slavery as well, or simply never heard from again.

     She wonders what would have happened had they not found her.

A sigh, and he wrapped his arms around her to pull her into an embrace, it was the least he could do, even if it was impossible for him to pull her away from these disgusting memories. He’d like to tell her something nice, something soothing, that things will get better, but he knew how hard it was to believe, and that, no matter how much time passed, this feeling will never fully disappear.

“… It takes time.” Was all he uttered as he took her hands to stop her scratching, his touch gentle yet firm. They said a slave would always be a slave, and in some sickening, grotesque way, it was true. Sure, you could free them, but the scars those experiences left, they were still there, maybe fading, but never truly vanishing, and us much as he wanted to tell her something else, it was impossible. “… ‘m afraid, it’ll never really disappear. Or it just takes even longer. I guess… it gets less frequent. Got ‘em nightmares maybe once or twice a month. And it’s the same for most of the others.”

     She can’t imagine it, continuing life like this, being afraid to sleep, being afraid of letting someone touch her, of having to live with the marks on her back.

     She knows he’s right, he’s living proof that it wasn’t easy. She knew he battled his demons still, even after all these years, that it had taken him a very long time to let someone in, to let them close, to show them his weaknesses; and it was different for her because she knew she had him.

It was almost like looking at a mirror.

Well, not exactly, because despite her messy looks she was still prettier than him.

But the way she jumped awake in the middle of the night, the way she flinched and clung to the sheets, or kept scratching and rubbing her wrists and ankles, how the sweat was dripping from her forehead and her eyes were widened in terror. She was exactly like him, like he used to be back when he first came here, and sometimes still was, whenever the memories decided to haunt him again.

How ridiculous, how their roles had changed. Not too long ago, it was him waking her in the middle of the night because he woke up screaming. Now it was the other way around. She apparently felt bad for tearing him out of his sleep, but Rohroh still insisted on staying in her room, even though he couldn’t do much to soothe her hurt mind.

    “Muron…” He muttered tiredly, tugging onto her nightgown to get her to lie back down, but as she didn’t seem to react he sat up too, yawning. “If ya keep doin’ that, it’ll just feel worse, y’know.” He took her hand to stop her from scratching herself, albeit he knew that kind of speech probably had no damn use.

     His words don’t reach her, not while she’s lost in memories, in nightmares of her time away. Over and over, it haunts her, plagues her and it eats her alive most nights. “The feeling-- it wont go away no matter what I do. All I can feel is the steel against me. I can’t stop it..”

     She wonders why he stays. It’s not good for him, not healthy for him to be around her like this, when she’s broken and weak but she’s not strong enough to let him leave her side, not right now, not when she needs him.

     There’s a shift in weight as changes position and she’s reminded of the comfort she seeks, a way much different than how he used to be. While he had been quick to pull away from any form of physical contact, she craves it desperately, that feeling of being safe, of being protected.

     Pathetic.

      It's always the same.

     Every night, every day, over and over again. 

     She can’t escape from the memories, from the horrors and it makes her weak, makes her want to break and fall apart. Her nights are restless, plagued by nightmares that leave her drenched in sweat, and calling out for someone, for anyone to help make them go away.

     Rohroh tries, she knows he does but she wonders if maybe it’s not good for him to be around her, at least not right now, not when she’s still so unstable.

     She scratches at her wrists, a habit she’s picked up in moments like these where she can’t get rid of the feelings of shackles around them, the skin is sore and red, and on the verge of being scratched raw, but she can’t help it, can’t stop it.

     Why, why, why?

“The capt’n said I shouldn’t care ‘bout the Alexius. They’d complain either way.” He sneered, now leaning down to kiss her neck, softly nibbling on her skin. “But if ye’re that nervous… we can always change the location…”

     There’s a roll of the eyes, because it didn’t matter what they thought of him, her family knew what he was, what he had been but she, on the other hand, remained a noblewoman all the same.

     She’s about to refuse his offer, but it’s the moment that teeth meet flesh, that they catch in her throat. A sensitive spot, one he knew made her weak in the knees and her fingers move to grasp at his tunic. Unfair, she decides, trying to show a little bit of restraint.

     “Maybe.. somewhere private--”

Surprise attack: success! Come on, making her squeak is just too fucking hilarious. “But I just did that, y’see.” Gives her butt another squeeze.

     There's a sigh that leaves her, because really, what else did she expect of him? She's stupid too though, letting him indulge in such behaviour.

@halfbredfanalis

Randomly gropes her butt.

     Insert a small squeak of surprise, because even though she'd heard him approach her, she certainly hadn't expected to be groped so openly--