a little bit hazy

a little girl, this time. my cousin. she looked not even older than my youngest brother. she was lifeless in my uncles arms.

i hope that soon, all of this chaos will come to an end. i hope that soon, i will be able to come and meet you. i hope that soon, you will all be able to go home and live comfortably and safely.

i promise that when we meet, i will ask to hear your stories. i will do my very best to meet you more. i'm sorry for not being around. i want to hear your story, your struggles, your highs, your cheerful memories, your dreaded memories, your memories of comfort and ease, your memories of your youth, and every single moment you've experienced.

i long to hear the stories of my family from overseas that i've barely sat down for. i hope i will find my own moment where i can just sit down and talk with someone else again, and learn about them without feeling guilty.

i miss my neighbor, who used to always welcome me into her home with open arms. the elderly neighbor, who despite losing her closest companion, always treated my family like her own. i wish i could remember her stories and what we'd chat about. i miss her talking about sewing and the movies she collected. i miss the smell of her house and cookies she baked. i miss the freedom i had of just going and sitting down with someone in the present.

school has never ceased to bring a sense of worthlessness and pain whenever it came to my own freedom. i miss being home-schooled, without worries after coming home from a program and just sitting down with my neighbor. now i sit in my room, nervously and anxiously interacting with any youtuber i find amusing in order to cope with the loss of time i have with my family and friends. hearing their stories of joy within hour-long games, because i can't help but feel the need to be distracted from the deadlines. their joy that they purely feel with each other while telling their stories vs the joy of my loved ones realizing that i look more and more stressed as i try to listen to them. i'd rather become a bystander in these moments than having to ruin a mood because i feel guilt.

i wish i had never asked to go in-person to school. at least i could have kept my close bonds with those around me because i wouldn't feel anxious of putting on a face everyday.

so much was lost, so many relatives that i've never had a chance to meet and sit down with.

i always try to be there for them, but this bridge between us keeps getting longer, and i feel like if nothing changes, things will soon fall apart and there's nothing i can do about it because it's been inevitable for a long time.

i wish i had actually just done it when i was 16. i ask for my own space and place to simply be, and instead that space is invaded EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY.

i tolerated this shit for so long, but it seems no matter what i do, nothing will ever be good enough! i stay out of your hair, i stay in my own place and don't request much. i offer all that i can give you, and instead of giving me my own safe place, i give them everything and receive nothing.

but when it comes to my favorite characters that are women, i just go insane about them. like, i'd want to date them. h*ld hands and shit.

:| and then the exceptions, in which, i just want them to go and see a therapist. but also go on a date with their partners and just have a nice day out and just have a happy ending.