A day in the life

You had a post shortly after your birthday talking about how you are lucky to have me in your life. In actuality, I’m the real lucky one to have you. I’ve done nothing this whole time except bring you down. You’re smarter than me, harder working than me, you have such a big heart, and are so thoughtful. It’s so frustrating that I’m not progressing. It’s like I keep having these highs were I am so excited moving forward that I am going to be the man you need and deserve. Then it all stops and I fall back into my laziness. I’m a good boyfriend (I think) when we are together at least. Why can’t I translate that to when I’m not physically there with you? Why do I keep letting you down over and over again? Why don’t I show you enough how much I care about you and love you?

Here’s what I need to do and will do. I need to start thinking like an “us”. I’m not alone in this world. I have you (for however longer that might be), and all of my actions can have consequences for the two of us and our future together. I need to better consider things from your prospective. I’m not a complete fool. We’ve been together almost two years now and I know you quite well. I need to stop to really listen to what your saying and trying to get across to me, and I need to also think about what I (don’t) say and (don’t) do will affect you. Also, I need to stop being so fucking fake. You’re not an idiot either and you know me maybe better than I know myself. You know my voice and things I say. Be fucking sincere and stop coming up with stupid or cliche shit cuz you can pick up on that bs right away.

I want to make this work. I need to make this work. You push me Helen and you try your best to make me the best version of myself like you always strive to be. You’ve completely changed my life and I’m excited about us. Please forgive me for the crap I’ve put you through honey. I will do better.

Sincerely,

I want to go back to a little over three years ago. I want to be that person again, and to feel the way she felt. That girl was on top of the world. New to college, but more prepared than her peers. Freshly escaped from a sheltered childhood and ready to make her own decisions. Charmed the pants (literally) off the first guy she crushed on within the first 24 hours of arriving on campus. Everyone was impressed that she beat out hordes of upperclass BMEs to land an internship two months into freshman year with a major medical device company. That girl still went to church every Sunday, was on the worship team for Intervarsity, and she was happy. She was going to be a doctor, no doubt about it.

Never in a million years did I expect to be sitting here, jobless without a medical school acceptance. I made a few mistakes along the way-- dating someone who dragged me down, doing poorly for one semester, and losing faith in myself. But does that really overshadow everything else? Does it even matter that I have done research at THE Cleveland Clinic and UH? Or that I have three internships under my belt? That I have been the president of three different national organizations? Does anything matter? Have I been wasting my life?

I always told myself that it would pay off. I’d whisper it every time I stayed in to study rather than hang out with friends. It will pay off one day. But will it? I think it’s about time for “one day.” Now I just feel like one day will never come. 

Dear bebe,

I love you so very much. For the first time in four years, I have something to talk about when people ask me “what did you do for spring break?” What’s more annoying than typically not doing anything over spring break is having my birthday always land on this particular week. Not only am I a lame-o for not doing anything for spring break, I also typically spend my birthday alone in my room. 

Not this time. 

This time, my baby flew all the way from Wisconsin to come be with me. He took three days off of work, got me the most gorgeous sparkly rose gold kate spade wallet, a 1 TB hard drive (which has helped my computer speed up considerably), TICKETS TO A MAROON 5 CONCERT, booked a fancy hotel room, took me out to many lunches and dinners and desserts...even got pepto bismol when I wasn’t feeling so hot....#truelove

I had the best week with you. Honestly, the only birthdays that have been even remotely memorable for me have been last year and this year-- all because of you. You are thoughtful, kind, patient.......REALLY PATIENT when it comes to me. And I love you for it! 

Thanks for such a great time. Love you love you love you!

Dear bebe, 

I miss you. 

It's a funny thing...every time I log into Netflix (which is daily...err..multiple times daily) I see plenty of titles that I wish I had time to watch. Dance moms, 16 and pregnant (guilty pleasure), Silver Linings Playbook....but every time (and I mean every. single. time) since January 10th, I end up watching One Tree Hill. 

Now I don't really know anything about basketball or point shaving or whatever all the sporty talk is in the show (and quite frankly I don't really care...but Nathan Scott is hot as eff when he is playing), but I keep watching it because it makes me very jealous. 

Like all good shows designed to hook impressionable little teenage girls (and people like heren), there is a LOT of relationship drama that goes on in the show. It makes me remember a time when there was a lot of relationship drama in our lives...a time that I guess I've tried to not think about for a very long time. But sometimes I watch these passionate fights go down on TV and I remember that terrible night when you freaked out at me over Tammy, breaking up in the staircase on Valentines day, not even speaking to each other for days at a time around Greek Week and banner (that stupid bean stalk....), and I just think to myself....wow, looking back...I would do it all again if it meant we could be here on campus together again.

I really do miss you that much. 

It's really hard to read you over facetime. I can tell when you're upset at me in person because you won't make eye contact with me and you ignore my texts. Oh, and you walk out. After a lot of screaming. The good old times...

But for real, despite how awful it was....I miss it. I felt alive with you last year because you put me on an emotional rollercoaster where I felt things I've never ever felt before. I felt madly in love, angry, disappointed, ecstatic, happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time......

Now, my emotional capacity is basically composed of loney, sad, missing you, and terrified of the future. I miss you terribly. I know this post is super rambley but I'm really trying to not hit that delete button or to over think things. It's hard maintaining this relationship when I only talk to you at night-- it gives me a full day to edit what I'm feeling and thinking before telling you. I miss how raw and honest we used to be. 

On another note...do you really think we will get engaged next year? Sorry honey, but I totally do not believe that you'll follow through. I don't want you to take that the wrong way because you can't hear the tone of my voice, so I'll just describe it to you. I'm sitting at my desk (haven't really studied at all for this exam yet...) and I have this ridiculous smile on my face glancing down at my ring finger as I type just thinking about the idea of having a ring on that finger in a little over a year. It really seems like this crazy made-up dream in my head. I don't want to get my hopes up, not because I don't think we'll work out, but because perhaps it won't be the right timing for us. But still....just the thought of us starting our lives together (FINALLY) gives me shivers and this weird rush of hope and adrenaline. Anyway, I should really get back to studying...I am going to fail this exam. WAHHHH. 

Hokay bai

Dear Cave Creature (didn't want to use honeya again after using it in the title),

Firstly, I misses you so moish! I love you and can't wait to hold you in my arms and pick you up off the ground! You really don't know what it meant to me to hear from you today, even if it was just a few text messages. I knew you were alive, well, and missing your Alan. I know you don't like sappy me as you think I'm being a pussy or being fake, but honey badger don't care!

I've got to say, Community is such a great thing. I haven't been to small group the last few weeks, whether it be due to traveling or sheer laziness. But I went yesterday and it was like one big happy family. It's not like I LOVE everyone there, but it was just the environment and the wholesome spirit associated with it that made it such a good time. The group has really grown from when I first joined. We had around 10 people last night! I just thought I'd share, because even though we don't have the same background and have different things going on in our lives, these are the people I need to be surrounding myself and associating myself with! God is good!

That's all I've got for now! I'll see you soon babe. Enjoy the days of vacation you have left!

Full of misses,

Dear Princess,

I hope you are hasing the funs. I really miss you. However, the good thing about not being able to talk to you is that I wont be getting those payback "wish you were here" snapchats! :P I don't have much today. Going to small group for a game night. It should be interesting, but at least im not being anti-social! Also, I tried this new recipe yesterday which I think you're really going to love. Can't wait to make it for you!

Until Tomorrow,

I never realized what a gift it is just to be able to hear your voice and see your face everyday. Be it over a screen or not. Just thinking about it, this is going to be the longest we have gone without speaking to each other EVER. When we last spoke on the phone I didn't realize that was going to be the last time I would hear your voice for the duration of the trip. I should've savored the moment and not let you go so soon. I've been productive; working out, making my own meals, and learning a lot about circuits and controls. However, at the end of the day all I want to do is talk to you. I want to tell you how my day went, talk about silly things (like petting baby panda), but most importantly, tell you how much I love you. I'm going crazy not hearing from you. I never realized how dependent I was on just knowing you were there. I took you for granted. I hope you're having fun, I really do. Just come back as soon as you can! So as not to ramble on, I'm going to cut this short. i don't know if you'll ever read this, but I'll be checking in daily until you're back as to pretend I am talking with my honeya.

Your Not Ugly Boyfrand,

THIS. 

I am writing this from my eucalyptus-salt-laced bath tub. I'm lounging with a mint julep face mask on, my hair secured in a delicate bun by an overpriced jeweled hair band and a hello kitty spa wrap like a crown on my head. I've got a glass of wine (and the bottle itself in case I need refills...), a little dish of nuts, a candle burning with the lights off, and my Macbook teetering perilously on the edge of the tub, loading up an episode of Pretty Little Liars. I can't stop ogling my artificially tanned skin that has developed quite nicely since yesterday. 

People work all their lives to have moments like these. I, on the other hand, have done nothing to deserve such indulgences...yet indulge regularly. Do remind me to be more grateful, will ya? 

Love,

Dear Alan,

I posted this on my secret dear-alan blog, but after sitting on it a few days I realized that it will be of no use when you read this ten years from now. So I decided to repost it here where you will undoubtabley not check for a long, long time.  

I bet you’ve wondered why I’m so interested in personality tests. My theory is this: that the more confident you are in your personality, the less you care about those damn tests. Because they’re simply there to reaffirm what you already know. Then there’s people like me…who struggle with those tests and take them over and over again, ever hopeful to unlock another secret part of my identity stashed away in my subconscious. You could say that I’m “uncomfortable” with my personality, but that’s not entirely it either. To be more accurate, I would say that I simply cannot bridge the disparity between different facets of myself. Many of those personality tests are black and white, with a disclaimer “you can be something in between.” But let’s be real: you’re either extroverted or introverted. Sensing or intuitive. Thinking or feeling. Judging or perceiving. You get your four letters and you have to live with it, no one cares how much more E you are than I, more S than N, etc etc etc… Cognitively, I realize that this is a scale created by another human being and therefore is not absolute. But it’s interesting that on all tests, Jungian and others, I’ve always been extroverted. I feel introverted. I act extroverted. It’s really quite a creative tension, particularly for someone who wants to be the truest form of herself.

I never set out to be the truest form of myself. I knew from an early age how to get what I want. I’m good at manipulating people—reverse psychology, guilt-tripping, turning the tables—that’s my specialty. After the awful break up with Chris though, I realized that I needed to make some huge changes in my life. If the only way I let men into my life and my heart was to keep them at an arm’s length through some twisted emotional bondage that led to a slave-master relationship (sorry Chris, K, D, and T...you know who I'm referring to), I was going to keep digging myself deeper into these unfulfilling relationships that were leading nowhere. So after I had my period of mourning and helplessness and utter despair post-breakup, I did what I do best: make lists, blog religiously, plan, plan, and plan. This is where I overhauled my life. I started my wellness regime, went back to church (this time out of faith rather than habit), and made many decisions about my future. I decided that I would be 100% transparent in my next relationship—the good, the bad, the ugly. If that scared away the guy…whatever. I would find a guy that could handle it all. Of course I thought I would have at least a year to get my affairs in order and slowly make the switch to total transparency…but you interrupted those plans as fast as I made them.

Post-break up and pre-Alan, I kept many diaries. I had a lot of thoughts…I’ve always been a thinker, to the point where I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts and preferred to drown them out with music…but I decided to attempt embracing the silence and addressing all of my thoughts. I thought a lot that summer. I meditated as I ran, I blogged using voice-memos as I commuted, I took videos of my thoughts. My biggest fear was that transparency would twist and warp my actions into negative things, and that I would appear (not become) someone I was not. I was afraid that openness would be interpreted as naivete, love as neediness, commitment as obsession, feelings as overly emotional. My biggest fear was confirmed last week when you did exactly that.

I am strong, fiercely independent, demanding, wildly ambitious, in-control all the time, and the total head-over-heart and knows-what-she-wants type. I despise people who are needy, dependent, weak-willed, wishy-washy, “feelings” type of people. Yet my promise to myself to let myself process all my thoughts, handle all my emotions in their full capacity led you to make me out to be the type of person that I hate. I was crushed. During that “incident,” all I could feel was a flashback to a summer ago, practically to the day, where I decided that I was going to put it all out there—the feelings, the emotions, the love, the pain, the creative tension- ALL OF IT. I had made so much progress destroying the mental walls of self-preservation and confiding in you. In the aftermath of your destructive rant, I could feel those mental walls erecting themselves, crushing all progress I had made. I wish you had met me before last August. You would understand what a different, reserved, nothing-but-business person I was.

As you sat there apologizing for an hour, I was still. I didn’t know what to say or do. I could only process half of the highway of thoughts in my mind. I sat there torn between two paths. I could shut down, mortally wounded by your attack on the weakest part of my heart, or I could knock down those walls of self-preservation, allowing myself to feel the hurt in its full capacity and dealing with it. When a person breaks a bone, those osteoblasts and osteoclasts move in immediately, repairing the damage with such fervor that it heals in the fractured position. The bone must then be rebroken and splinted before rehealing. That’s how I felt. Did I want the short term healing that will leave me pseudo-healed in a fractured position, or could I handle being fully broken, splinted, and then healed fully?

I chose the latter. I am not a forgiving person. I remember everything. I can recount exactly who crossed me the wrong way, what you did, what time, and the whole aftermath. I hope you know that I’ve only ever said those forgiving words maybe one other time in my entire life.

I keep telling you that I feel weird. Perhaps the right term is “broken.” And slowly healing. Slowly. I try to pretend ‘the incident’ didn’t happen sometimes, but it just doesn’t feel right. I want to pick up exactly where we left off because I am impatient for things to settle back into our comfortable routine, but I can’t help but feel distant. Sad. Lonely. I am being true to myself, true to the plans and promises I made a year ago. I always do what I say I’m going to do.

That’s all for meow.

Yours always,