"Professional" Adult

I don't know where to start. I don't want to be a statistic, so know I am safe and loving myself in so many ways, but I don't know where else to put this. Part of loving myself and growing into who I am, as a reflection of the ideals I hold and the truths that resonate with me, has been my transition. I have slowly added on things that, through therapy and self reflection, are incredibly gender affirming and bring me a joy I truly didn't know until now, in my mid 20s. Living this truth is incredibly important to me since it has brought me peace, clarity, and a confidence I never want to lose.

Part of living this truth is demanding my relationships, be it family, friends, or coworkers, love me and celebrate my multifaceted life. You don't have to make the same choices, but I don't want to just be tolerated or begrudgingly allowed to take up space. I don't ask that you understand immediately, but that you try and engage with me so I can better understand you and your perspective as well. I cannot be silent anymore, I can't be quiet when I know how wonderful it is to be free and alive, and I am never going back.

My marriage does not seem to be surviving this standard. Things are messy, my partner loves me and is so glad I am happy, but she just can't see me as her wife. She does not think of me as a mother, which to be fair I did go by dad for 6+ years, but I am breaking because of it.

Being queer and having a family have never been mutually exclusive, and they are quite intertwined in my head. Not every trans person will relate to wanting to be a parent, just as feeling trans doesn't make me any less of a parent. But somehow on this last step, of changing proper nouns to feminine ones, is the one where my partner, sister, and mom all ran into a wall. They want to support me, but can't call me a mother or a wife.

Feeling like they were happy to play along with this trans thing until it invaded the sanctity of motherhood just has me reeling. I have been a sister, a daughter, a she/her, an aunt, and trans femme for over a year. Wife and mother are the line for some reason. Hearing someone who has called me by my preferred name for 2 years trip on mother, and not correct it just... I am lost.

We are separating and already moving rooms. There is lip service to seeing if time heals this, but I feel like I don't even get to live this for a second and enjoy what felt so right. She's already trying to divide up time with our children, and I only told them in June that this felt like the right step for me. I know its not malice or spite, but truly just a preference to have me be a spouse, but not a wife.

I am not mad, after all they are being open and honest about their struggles. I am just in shock still. They want to learn to call me it, but agree that this is a separate and larger step than others before it. My wife wants space for this step, although all others we faced together. Like, y'all I've grown my own boobs over the past two years. My wardrobe has changed. My demeanor is less repressed and I am expressing much joy and love. She sees it and knows it to be true, so I am left to guess this is her being more honest with what she truly is okay with...

In a way this is the best way for a marriage to end. Two people who are in touch with who they are and what they want understanding that they are no longer ideal for each other. But I have a secret. A selfish and gut wrenching truth. I do not want to leave her. I do not want someone else. I don't want to rebuild so much love and trust with someone new.

I don't want someone else to parent my kids with me or on weekends and specific holidays. I don't want to let go of our small moments doing chores together. I can't lose my best friend, but dragging my feet will only hurt our ability to co-parent and make it out of this as friends. But how am I supposed to be okay with my heart being ripped out?

My only hope is that I will soften with time. I want her to be happy over anything else, and this really seems to be what she is most comfortable with. I just needed someone to know the truth. I needed someone to know how little I want to let go. I am breaking down at work, around my kids, and every where I found small joys, because they are things I will have to learn how to endure and enjoy on my own.