𝖆𝖈𝖊

i have been scared to weigh myself but i know if i do it will motivate me to be more mindful of my intake. ugh.

im so pissed. why all of a sudden can i not stay locked the fuck in. i am a fraud. like im aware of what im doing and i feel gross but i cant stop. once again, im scared to weigh myself. i swear its every single time im 1 lb away from dropping below 200s jail. i think theres something subconsious there. maybe because i feel like i dont deserve to be happy. like 245-200 was a breeze. euphoric. took less than 4 months. and now i feel like im fighting with the part of myself that thinks i dont deserve it. it was so much easier when i felt like i had a community here. now im just embarassed.

went to the park w my sister and neice today and we ended up having family over to eat. did not know this was a plan but i think my sister has been onto me 🫠 so i had a hotdog and a bit of chips. not too bad on its own but it made me feel so out of control i came home and b!nged 🫠 take me out back pls

im gonna throw up. or shit myself. or cry. maybe have a panic attack. but literally all i can do is wait. im pulling my hair out.

just applied to college. psychology with a concentration in mental health. i have been wanting to do this since i was 13. i didnt get a college prep diploma for no reason. push myself so hard in highschool. my gap year after graduating in 2020 turned into a 6 year gap. i never wanted to wait but circumstances made things more difficult. not just covid but life. ironic with my unmedicated bipolar ass and of course the other obvious mental health issues. but i think this will be really good for me. i also cant help but to think about how focusing on school and work and being so busy will help disctract me from food noise. kinda messed up but i think this will be good for me in so many ways. wish me luck. im terrified.

my tøxic møtivatiøn rn is listening to bella kay every time i feel hvngry

i have been doing omad for the past week or so and it has been going really good! got my intake down to 800 c@ls a day max. the past couple days ive had the overwhelming urge to b!nge so instead of making myself crazy i increased my intake to 1200 for a few days and i do not want to b!nge anymore. let myself go crazy on some cottage cheese and i felt a lot better but at the end of the day just feel dusgusting even tho i didnt even go over my 1200. im glad i did it so i didnt mess up my progress because im -10 lbs in a week. but it does kind of blow stepping on the sc@le and being the same weight as yesterday. but this is what my body needed and will make it easier to continue my wl now that i gave my body a break. i wish i could stay in the honeymoon phase forever.

getting drunk off 2 shots >>>>