kara !?

“charm all the people you’ve trained for..”

the next few months were pure bliss. you could never ask for a better boyfriend, and him a better girlfriend. by then, everyone at your small, local town high school had seen you both as a power couple, omitting nothing but good words about you two and your seemingly perfect connection. you had to admit, you guys looked great together. insecurity may have kicked in every now and then, but ni-ki, being the boyfriend he is, always reassured you that to him you were perfect in all ways.

you and ni-ki had both agreed not to believe in the “3 month rule,” or any relationship “rules” for that matter. so instead of celebrating 3 months, you celebrated 4.

“hey baby, anything you’ve been wanting as of recent? like clothes, shoes, anything.” ni-ki texted.

“not really, you know i don’t like it when you spend money on me.” you replied almost instantly. it was true, even through childhood you’d for some reason always felt bad receiving gifts or money, especially asking.

“come on, i wanna do something nice for you. like anything from pandora?” he responded.

sighing defeatedly, you replied “the rings are pretty cute, especially the rose gold ones:).”

“okay, say less.” he said. you laughed as you closed your phone, heading to bed for the night.

..

a week later came the day of your 4 month anniversary. you spent the day pretty usual, spending time together yet spending time with friends as well, being that you’d had class that day.

after class, you and your friends had decided to visit a park nearby. you’d all had some projects and things to study for, and it being a lucky warm april day made it the best day to do so. so, you headed off to the park with your friends. of course, ni-ki and his friends being invited since it was a special day for the two of you.

while sitting at a table with your friends and reading, ni-ki turned to you. “i’ve gotta go grab something from the car, okay?” you nodded as him and his friends stood. odd. all of your friends began to make “ooo” sounds and nudge you, only making you laugh and turn your attention back to the book in your hands.

ni-ki came back quickly after, appearing very excited and even..giggly? you just laughed at his newfound behavior as he reached in his pocket, grabbing out a box with “PANDORA” printed on the front of it. a frown coming to your face.

“ki~! you didn’t..” you couldn’t hold the frown for too long, smiling as you opened the box with shaky hands. ni-ki had been your first true relationship. your first genuine relationship. the first boy to care about you in the form of love, affection, and gifts.

inside the box was a rose gold elevated heart ring. you’d seen the ring when you’d peeked on the website when he’d asked you about a gift. but $150? it felt more to you than to anyone else. no one had ever put effort into buying you gifts, let alone using over $100 to do it, other than your family. you’d never had any guy care for you enough to do so.

“oh my gosh, this is gorgeous!” you said, slipping the ring onto your left hand ring finger. a perfect fit.

ni-ki looked at you in awe through the entire moment. finally, he spoke.

“i love you”

you looked up, shocked. yet as if it was natural, you responded almost instantly “i love you too.”

all of your friends began clapping and cheering as if they’d been watching a movie. “OH YEAHH!” your best friend yelled. you just laughed as you went with ni-ki to go on a walk, exchanging a moment of aloneness after everything.

“you meant it, right?” you asked.

“of course.”

“two summers from now..”

it had been two summers since you guys first made things official. going through junior and senior years and eventually now preparing to become college students in the upcoming school year. you’d had your eyes set on attending college somewhere prestigious and from home, specifically holding place in your heart for brown university. so when the application results came back, and you’d read the acceptance letter to brown along with a scholarship offer, there was nothing but happiness for you. and tears of course, many tears.

ni-ki, on the other hand, wanted to stay in state to attend college. the local universities weren’t horrible, and provided great opportunities despite not being grand like brown was. so when he received his acceptance letter to attend the local university alongside his upperclassman best friend jake, the excitement was there.

you hadn’t told riki about being accepted yet, wanting to surprise him, so you invited him over for the night.

..

you anticipated before speaking, for some reason. finally, you began “riki, i have something to tell you.” ni-ki looked up from his phone instantly, confused by the sudden use of his real name. “yeah, what’s up? everything okay?”

“everything’s fine, actually great. because i got into brown!!” you exclaimed, almost jumping up and down. ni-ki seemingly bursted into shock, “congratulations baby, i knew you’d do it.” he smiled, but it didn’t feel genuine. “baby, what’s the matter?” you asked, taking a seat next to him.

“i’m staying here, i’m going to school with jake. you’re gonna be thousands of miles away. how are we gonna do this?” he asked. a piece of your heart broke a bit at the question. “distance doesn’t matter. we’ll make it work, we always do. let’s just worry about it later and enjoy what we have for now, ‘kay?” you asked, forcing a smile onto your face despite the reality that had hit you like a truck. ni-ki returned the smile with a breath of relief, “yeah. let’s do that.”

..

you thought that after that, things would be okay. that you’d maintain the relationship you had despite what was coming in the future. but no, you were very wrong.

“we’ll have been talking but not all that often”

every day seemed to be a new argument. either one of you had a slick comment to bring, or you’d bring up something bothering you that sparked an argument, or one of you’d simply be bothered by the others tone of voice, it seemed that the universe had been working against the two of you full time.

it was another argument, this time about how he’d been treating you dryly and with no effort, seemingly avoiding you snd your overall existence.

“you can’t keep acting like this riki! acting like i don’t exist, acting like im not your girlfriend. you’re treating me like straight shit!” you yelled, throwing your arms in the air. ni-ki groaned before responding, in the same volume, “well it’s not my fault you walk around acting like there’s no time in the world for me now that your on track for brown! yet if i’m bothered, it’s my fault. i’m the one acting like something.” you rolled your eyes and replied, “you never tell me what the problem is! i’ve asked you repeatedly to tell me how you feel, to communicate, and you refuse! yet on your story, you’re posted up with your friends at a festival or some restaurant. we barely talk, and if we do it’s not often like before. do you even consider me your girlfriend anymore?”

ni-ki stood up, grabbing his keys from the table. “seriously? you want to know if i consider you my girlfriend?after everything i’ve done for us, all the memories we’ve had, all the time i gave up for you, that’s your question? you can’t speak to me without mentioning brown! i don’t exist to you, not the other way around.”

you stood up as well, now pushed to your limits. “i talk about brown because im excited, riki! because i’ve wanted this for years! but that’s not all i talk about, if i could even get a conversation with you then you’d know it! but we can’t talk without fighting, ever. and when we do, it’s just you being manipulative or lustful. all you care about is jake and being out around other girls, you can’t even be genuinely happy for me!”

“here you go being insecure. i don’t hang around other girls, they’re just at the same events as me! i care about you, but i’m trying to get my feelings straight myself. do you want to pretend that i’m not about to lose you to relocating after 2 years?” ni-ki shouted.

“you’re not losing me to distance riki, you’re losing me to yourself! instead of telling me how you feel, you act like i’m not here and go out with your friends every night! that’s where you’re losing me riki, where you lost me! you love me one minute, then i dont exist the next.” you said. by now, the tears couldn’t be held in your eyes. “what are you saying?” he responded, his volume only the smallest bit lower than before.

“i’m saying..i’m saying i can’t do this anymore. the arguing, the pretending, us not communicating. i don’t want to bring us fighting and being unstable into college riki. i love you, but maybe we aren’t strong enough to get through this after all.” you sighed, trying to hold back as many tears as possible. it was no use.

“alright then, that’s how it’ll go.” he said, not even taking a look at you before walking out of your room, down the hall, and out of your house. as soon as the front door shut, you couldn’t help the river of tears that began to pour. thank God for your parents having date night tonight.

“you were the best, but you were the worst.”

you’d expected that after the breakup, you two would never speak again. after all, that night was it. you’d said what you’d both wanted to said. you’d told the truth, so did he, and neither of you liked it. but then, on a random night, you got a text.

“yo.”

you stared at the message, assuming you were hallucinating. then another text came in.

“i love you, i’m sorry. let’s talk. we don’t have to be anything, i just miss talking to you.”

you didn’t know why, put it felt as if you’d found a missing puzzle piece to your heart. so, you picked up the phone and responded.

“i feel the same way. what’s up, how are you?”

..

after that night, your texts with ni-ki had gone back to how they were before brown, before college apps came in, before it all. back when everything was okay. you loved it. you missed him, his attention, how he knew how to get in your head just with his words. manipulating you to love him. you knew what he was doing, that he was manipulating you like you’d experienced him do before, yet you loved it all.

“you don’t have to lie, baby, i know you miss me. i know you miss how i talked to you, right?” he sent. you wanted to say no, say you knew he was back to his old ways. but you couldn’t.

“if i did, what would that mean for me?”

“then you’d get me, all you gotta do is say it.”

and here you were, sitting on your bed, kissing your ex. the one you’d told your friends just a few hours ago you’d “never speak to again,” saying it while entertaining him through text. you’d told them you’d “never fall for his tricks again,” yet look at where you were now.

finally, you pulled away in realization of everything you two had going on.

“why are we doing this?” you asked. ni-ki laughed before responding, “because we still want each other, of course.” “but if we want each other, why aren’t we together?” ni-ki sighed, then spoke “you and i both know it wouldn’t work.” you froze before standing up.

“so all of this, texting and meeting up, sitting here doing this, is nothing but wanting each other? if we wanted each other, wouldn’t we be together?”

“if we couldn’t work before, then what do you think that means now? besides, if you hadn’t told me you wanted to break up i would’ve. the distance issue is too much, regardless of how we feel. isn’t gonna change either.”

humiliated. dumbfounded. whatever words along those lines would describe exactly exactly how you felt in the moment.

“seriously? you’ve been using me as some type of “fling” all this time?” you responded angrily, quiet enough not to wake your sleeping family.

“i wouldn’t call it a fling..we both wanted this.” he said laughing, grabbing his things. “it’s okay, you’ll be back soon enough.” you wanted to punch him. to scream, to yell. but you didn’t. you’d done it to yourself. you let him in.

“a habit to kick, the age old curse”

after admitting that you’d been secretly seeing riki and retelling the last time you’d seen each other to your friends, resulting in rebuttal yet comfort, you finally moved past him. you moved into your dorm, made some new friends, just overall got adjusted into college. it was all perfect for you, you were where you wanted to be and happy doing so.

but something was missing, he was missing.

and so now, it was you who found yourself going right back to him. just how he said you would.

you contemplated the text, typing and deleting before finally sending. “how are you?”

“great, college is fun. met a lot of people, especially pretty girls. they’re not like you though. how about you?” he responded almost asap.

“im good. just taking things day by day.”

“and i see you wanted me back in the routine, huh?”

damn it. here you go again.

..

you two were back to how you’d been the weeks before college. he was back being himself manipulative wise, you were back to loving it and hating yourself for it at the same time.

and of course, it took for another argument to end it all again. the age old curse.

“the way life goes..”

finally, the new year came. leaving things in the past, abandoning your old journeys, starting new ones. this was gonna be your year, where you left everything as pieces of stairs to being a better you. but then or course..

“happy new year”

some things don’t disappear so easily, huh?

..

this time around was different. it had been almost over 3 months since your last conversation. it seemed a lot changed since then.

he’d lost a lot of friends, being lucky by jake sticking around. college wasnt so fun anymore, the workload was real. he was tired more often, sleeping from the minute class ended to the whenever it was time to get up for the next day. weekends were spent with him sleeping the days away, sometimes not even eating. you felt bad, nobody deserves that. so you offered time, saying you’d be there for him. but still, not letting him know you’d been back home for the past few days. you knew better, now.

and he opened up. talked about his struggles, talked about whats been bothering him. this is how you wanted him in your life. obviously not battling burnout and overall depression, but that you two were at a safe distance. still open to conversation, giving honesty, being there for each other through struggle. life happens, that’s how it goes.

“i love you, i’m sorry.”

and throughout the newfound “friendship” between you two, you couldn’t help but go back through your messages. when you guys were in your situationship, the breakup, all the way back to when you two were in love.

and every time you went back, the same words you’d been told when talking to your mom about it all came to your head, “you can fall out of love with someone, but you can never stop loving them.” it was true, you still loved him. you just weren’t in love with him.

well, you weren’t in love with the him now.

you never fell out of love with the him who was always there, who took you on dates, who bought you things just because he thought you’d like it.

the him who’d met your family, friends, distant family, everyone. the him who you could be the most vulnerable with and know that at the end of the day he’d care.

sometimes when you went through your messages with him, you’d send him a screenshot of them with a “💔” emoji or “wow look at us.”

it was all jokes.

right?

but then, you couldn’t help it. it was more than a joke, you missed who he was. you missed him.

“ki”

“yeah, what’s up?”

“i love you, i’m sorry.”