One Way:

I slowed the roll. Just needed to work on my own stuff, my own shortcomings. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, and my coping mechanisms suck bc they not only debilitate me, but hurt other people too. I’m just not ready, but trying to restore and date with integrity and intention whenever I am. Been journaling and staring at a lot of candles recently lol (thanks therapy) but trusting the process. My foundation is getting better and better each day, pursuing people and friendships has been life saving and a goal worth striving for. A community is growing and I couldn’t be happier.

There has been a one that got away, but that’s a story for another time. Just trying to settle my soul.

The real answer is way too long to put here. It’s extremely complicated, and it wasn’t just one thing. It was a culmination of many things over a few years that led me to where i am now. It would take too much explaining and over-explaining to properly capture this journey and I wouldn’t do it justice.

But i will say this. Many people deconvert or deconstruct bc of misalignments with the tenants of the faith, discrepancies with their own political views and faith, or have had bad church experiences. It was none of these things for me. I loved the church, my role in it, the people in it. I always found myself in more progressive-leaning church circles that generally aligned with my political values. And i don’t have any issue with the teachings of Jesus (in fact, what he taught basically encapsulates what my moral compass still is).

For me, it is purely the hard truth claims that Christianity holds on to. Namely, the resurrection of Christ, the divinity of Christ, the inerrancy of the Bible, the existence of heaven and hell, and even the existence of God. I don’t find much evidence for any of these things other than… faith. And there’s a billion reasons why that I won’t get into. Large claims like these require strong evidence. I’m not that skeptical that Jesus existed. In fact, I don’t really care, because if he simply existed or not (or even died), it doesn’t have an impact on my life. Someone existing is a small claim because many people have existed. It’s common. But claiming that someone was born of a virgin, is the all-powerful creator of the universe, died and rose again, and is gonna surf on clouds to come get us later… those are huge claims that require a bit more than… someone wrote it down in a book somewhere a long time ago so it must be true. If all THESE things happened, it does have a profound impact on my life, and if I’m going to go to church every sunday, praise and worship this being, talk to him when i’m alone in my apartment, then I better have stronger evidence than “look at the trees” in order to devote my time/energy/family/life to this.

The truth is, no one knows for sure. People just hope it’s true. People that say they know anything about God or heaven/hell with absolute certainty are either lying or deluded. The opposite of faith isn’t doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty. If the claims of faith were 10000% true, it would be called truth.. or certainty. But it’s not. You have to suspend your belief in order to believe this. It used to be good enough for me, and to be honest, i wish it was still good enough for me. But it’s not anymore.

Hey greg -

I think... maybe 23 or 24 year old greg this letter would be for.

But hi. Right now I'm sitting at a coffee shop doing work on a beautiful day in New York City. Brooklyn, to be exact. Carroll Gardens, to be even more exact. What the actual fuck. How did I get here?

There are so many reasons why I'm here in this exact moment. The former girl was the catalyst, but even on a micro scale... it's because I walked here, it's also because of this job that I have, it's also because Brooklyn is cute af.

I also know New York on a personal level. I know that deep Brooklyn is hard to get to by train. I know that Queens has the best food. I know that UES has the worst food. I know what colors the train letters are. I know the best time of year to come and visit (April or October). I know when the block parties are, where the best bars are, and where to get the best New York slice. I'm not a "New Yorker", but I sure feel like one.

But you, 24 year old greg, have no idea. You're probably at Renew... or ArtCenter, feeling like you'd never leave LA. You're probably looking around and feeling firm in your immediate friendships, taking pride in your connections and community. You have the confidence of 10 men, backed up by the power of an almighty God, and move like you own SoCal... because you do. It's your home, your city. Familiarity is your superpower and you're reveling in it.

And now... even after everything that's happened. Even after you've fallen down a great, deep hole. Even though you've struggled, failed, got kicked down and buried alive... I want you to know that you still got back up. You're choosing what it means to be kind to yourself. To give yourself grace over times of great sorrow, of great confusion, of great loss. You maybe had it all. But you're more resilient than you think. If your world turns upside down, you can still hang from the monkey bars and make do. Because your spirit is unshakeable and the pieces will come together in time.

I'm learning what it means to look at myself in the mirror and find confidence and value within me. No false humility, no deflection of value. Just me. And I would've rolled my eyes at myself if I heard this at your age. But learning to be present. To take time. To practice gratefulness. To practice stillness.

Because even though this world is fucked up and there are harsh realities we face, and there's no real Savior that has a crazy, perfect plan that'll make me the "man i'm meant to be"... It doesn't mean I can't take meaning and purpose a day at a time. It doesn't mean I can't apply former values to a new paradigm. And it doesn't mean all hope is lost.

I want to bask in what it means to be human. With all that it comes with. The sad, the ugly, the sorrowful. But also the good, the beautiful, the emotional, the lovely.

01.22.2024

wowow how one year changes everything

location: i’m in NY now. how did this happen. I miss LA/OC dearly and all the friends/communities that i worked hard to preserve. I wonder sometimes if im destined to leave at 29 and never return. But im here now and gonna make the best of it. I’m at Brooke’s most of the time bc …

job: … i’m still finding a job. I think NY will feel like my own once i find one and in turn, get an apartment. youtube channel to come lol. maybe. gotta get my bearings first.

girl: girl is great. what id been hoping and dreaming for. family is still a consideration but thankfully i can control how much to engage. and mentally that makes me feel better.

church: still going, still searching for community. hopping at the moment, but all roads lead to elm it seems? we will see

faith: this is the big one. i’m not sure (based on evangelical practice and theology) that i’m a christian at the moment. I’m going to have to make sense of what that means. maybe someone will have to tell me that i am one, and then everything will be better. but for now, this is my biggest area of concern. It’s important to me, and i want to pursue it through. but by most measures, i might even be a leaning atheist or agnostic? it’s complicated but ive been saying that it’s scary… but liberating at the same time.

What a time to be alive lmao.

Work: Funemployment has been fun, raking in freelance cash, exploring new opportunities, new skills. Still looking but not stressed about it. It’ll come and it’ll be great.

Church: Man, NewStory has been a blessing. It feels as if i’ve known these people forever. My Rooted group feels like family, and my small group feels like college friends. The best combo. There’s a bittersweetness that comes with this season. But time and again we’ve hammered in the idea of going 110%, no matter the timeline. Last night, just the idea that we question and explore and challenge rather than merely accept Christian norms is a sign that we’re growing as Christians, trying to fully understand who we are and what we’ve been taught. I love being a part of something like this, I can only hope that my time in NY will feel similar, or that I can find some community system that also feels like family.

Girl: I love her and she loves me, very simple. It’s simple but it goes so much deeper and it feels correct. Like how it should’ve always been. Being with her is making me do some crazy things, like uprooting my life and traveling to a faraway land lmao. That’s probably the number one thing on my mind these past few months. What is it going to be like? Will I be so different culturally from people that I won’t feel at home? And family, good god. I wonder if, in another 8 months or something when i blog on tumblr again, things with family will be better. Or feel better. Or be resolved. I really wonder. Anyways, the actual relationship that we’ve established has been the healthiest i’ve been a part of. Communicative, attentive, supportive, all the tives. But also just fun, romantic, caring, all of the above. A little bit of lovey to accompany the health. What a good combination. She’s it. I’m not going anywhere.

Hi World,

It’s been a little while. There are so many new things I wanna talk about. Here’s an update:

1. Work

- I got a new job at Lucid Sight. I like it, it’s not micromanage-y and it’s remote. I feel more empowered and Im owning the work I’m doing. Do I see myself here long-term? If long-term means 3 years then yes, but outside of that I want to keep moving forward and moving up. Ambition high, I just hope my resume and portfolio reflects it.

2. Location

- I moved, again. Nothing much to say other than it felt boring in OC. Just… boring. Now in LA (West Adams) there are things to do, albeit a bit lonelier. But I trust the Lord has big things planned here. Maybe not exactly here and maybe not exactly now, but I’m expectant. Sooo many good food places here though so maybe that’s my purpose lol. To find good food and eat it.

3. Church

- This one has been hard. I keep thinking I’ll find lightning in a bottle like Renew, but it’s harder 8 years later and 8 years older. The true YA-non-church-plant life is more difficult. Church hopping is fun until it’s not. My tops lately are Renew Church LA (diverse in many ways, young adults, sheer number of people to connect with), The Commons LA (small tight community, probably need to go more times), and NewStory Church LA (bigger than I’m used to, but fun vibe and good number of young adults). All seem great. And maybe this is a season of being poured into vs. simply being a part of something exciting.

4. Girl

- After 5-6 years of dating here and there, failed relationships, dealing with my relationship baggage from years ago, reteaching myself what it means to date and be dateable, and listening intently to what God wanted for me instead, I found someone. And it’s special. I remember asking out loud (and even asking in one of my earlier posts)… do I have commitment issues? How were people connecting with me but I never felt connected back? Was I really that scarred and walled up from my last thing? Meeting her revealed to me that it just had to be the right person. To break down those stubborn walls. But not just the right person, also the right time. To make sure I was ready, and truth be told, to also make sure she was. The road ahead in this relationship isn’t as crystal clear as one would expect or hope for. There are many unknowns, and it feels impossible to plan even a year out. Sacrifices will be made, identities may shift. But something about us, about her… makes me not mind any of it.

tl;dr

***NOTE: This was written and intended to be posted around April 2021. World is diff now but found this in my drafts and didn’t want to waste the effort lol.

Last time I wrote was May 25, 2020... within quarantine. What a different world we live in.

I guess it’s a lonely night tonight and maybe it’d be good to catch myself up.

1. Health

I may??? have gotten covid in early March/April? Idk this COVID thing is unlike anything human history has ever experienced. It was scary at first and bewildering.. and staying inside seemed foreign. But everyone got used to it. Now we’re on month 13 (April 2021) and we can see the light. Vaccines are being administered and I’m on dose 1. A prediction I have is that everyone will get depressed when we return to normal.. because they realize that life wasn’t THAT much better pre covid LOL. But I’m hoping that’s not the case.

2. School

I actually graduated. Idk how, but I did. It felt like I was struggling until I wasn’t, then I graduated. The last 4+ years at ACCD turned me into a different person. More thoughtful, more to myself. But it’s something I never could have imagined I would achieve. I learned that I’m resilient, beating the impossible odds and getting shit done, no matter the cost. And what was the cost? Community, a group of solid friendships instead of just a few... but it’s all good. My life can begin now too. I’m not gonna lie, ACCD was hell on earth... I blinked and I’m here adulting... and still trying to calibrate.

3. Family

I moved out. Crazy, I know. A lot of transition in a short period of time. Ben and Liz have been gracious, although somewhat tumultuous... It’s a good thing i feel close to them, otherwise I’d feel rly awkward. The baby is gonna baby, so he doesn’t bother me. Autonomy is a great thing to have, making your own decisions is scary but also liberating. Sometimes I need a hug but LOL it is what it is.

4. Work

Wow, a new category. The reason i was able to move out was because i have a job. Best experience? No. Did I expect it? Kinda. Am I looking elsewhere? Definitely. It kinda sucks the life out of my sometimes. Not the work itself, but the people I work under. And the hours are a bit too long for my liking. The long hours makes me super introverted after work is done.

5. Relationships

Being a leader is a tremendous responsibility, and one thing I’ve learned to do this year (that is opposite of my personality) is to delegate, empower, and let go of things. I’m sort of a control freak sometimes, not of other people, but of situations and outcomes. So sometimes if I want something done correctly, I’ll want to do it myself. Which is what a bad leader does.

Lately I’ve come to realize that being a good leader is all about relationships. Leading someone who doesn’t know you or care about you is difficult. Of course, leading and organizing when you have a rigorous design program on top of everything else (and the leading part is a volunteer job), makes the time part of relationships difficult. I want to hang with people, I want to get to know people, but there’s only a certain number of hours in the day. So the organizing part is the one that manifests itself a little more. If this was my actual job, it would be so much easier.

Leading also can sacrifice likeability. All I want to be sometimes is liked. And being a leader, no matter how well you do it, you will receive a lot of blame if things go wrong. Take Wilson, he’s done an amazing job being a pastor, shepherding people and loving on people... and then he receives all this crap for things that are mostly out of his control.

“Wilson, why would you LET someone do this to me?”

When wrong things are done, the pastor gets blamed for “letting” it happen. Even if the pastor had nothing to do with it. This is just what people’s natural psychology is. It’s mine as well. In sports, if the team doesn’t do well, obviously they weren’t led well. It’s the coaches fault. But that’s not always the case. There are so many things out of the coach’s control.

I’ll say one last thing. No leader has ever said to themselves, I want be a bad leader. They all want to be the best leader they can be. That’s me as well. I want to lead with compassion, purity, empowerment, and an endearing spirit.