Have you ever heard the term âSlow-motion suicideâ?
Yeah, thatâs what Iâm doing.Â
And I canât stop. I wish I could, I wish I could want to live, but goddammit there isnât anything much I want to live for. I donât have anyone - anyone - except my wife, and the only reason sheâs with me is because she needs me. She still treats me well, she cuddles with me to watch movies, but we have had next to zero sex for years, she resents me for not understanding her fetishes (I do understand them but sometimes they hurt me emotionally) and, like any normal person, she often gets fed-up with my depression.Â
Iâve been taking meds for the last 7 years, and though I had periods where I was better, for the last, what, year? Six months at least, Iâve gone downhill. I just canât see a way out, canât see anything changing for the better in my life, and Iâve honestly decided I donât want another twenty, thirty years of this.Â
I canât just up and throw myself in front of a bus, though. My wife has to graduate and find herself a good job, and I have to stay alive long enough that most of our debt (yes, because Iâm pretty much the sole provider) is paid, and she gets enough of an inheritance to live well.Â
But still I canât abide the idea of not doing anything to ensure I wonât be around much longer, so, being unable to take up smoking, or becoming an alcoholic, because sheâd notice, I stopped moving.Â
I actively avoid leaving the house and walking anywhere, I stopped moving much around the house, Iâm pretty much cocooning myself around my computer and avoiding contact. It helps that my constant chronic pain is a good excuse for it.Â
Itâs been working, too. I feel my body deteriorating faster. And I know she notices it, and is worried by it, but up to now at least she doesnât know Iâm doing it on purpose.Â
She says sheâs afraid of losing me, but sheâs mostly just saying that out of pity, I think, because I know Iâm a nuisance to her, and at least by doing what Iâm doing I donât put more pressure into our finances - if I were trying to stay alive Iâd need more meds, and more healthcare, including dental, gym, physiotherapy, mental therapy and such - so thatâs a plus, she needs the money to prepare for her life anyway.Â
The only thing I hurt for is that this process is so long. Every day, every time she looks angry at me or suggests I hinder her life I just want to quit and blow my head off (no gun in the house, lol), but I know if I do that now sheâll be worse off.Â
Itâs become so bad I think if I donât tell anyone I wonât get to stop myself and fuck, I donât want her to just up and find me dead in the shower, man.Â
I want her to hate me enough that she wonât be hurt when Iâm dead, but how do I keep myself alive long enough for that to happen?