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a) makes me mourn what used to be versus now. especially since i felt like for a while that i was finally comfortable with my style, but now it just feels like people prefer the old me... which is, i guess part of why i haven't been happy with my art lately

disco overload 🕺🕺

So for the past few weeks I hit a weird spot where I just wasn't feeling proud of anything I was drawing. Didn't really feel any joy out of it either. Or, I would, but I would get excited to start the piece/get the idea, and then after finishing just feel so meh about it. Which I'm pretty sure extended into me not replying or even reading comments I would get after posting art because I was too afraid to even look at what I made.

I just kept finding myself thinking "Wow this kind of looks ass" or "I wish it was better" :/

Then people just kept finding my old art, which I guess is cool in a way because it's crazy to see how much my style has changed since then, but a part of me also hated it because... that wasn't me anymore. And it just made me feel bad that my old stuff kept getting more attention than my new stuff. Like my comics I did that I was actually proud of and liked... they weren't getting as much love as my old art and it just made me sad. To put it bluntly.

All of that got to a point where I didn't really want to look at any of it. And I just thought "What's the point??"

And it really sucked for a while because as much as I detested looking at my art, even if just silly doodles, I still wanted to keep drawing because it's one of my favorite hobbies and I like to create. I have ideas, and if I can pick up the pen and visualize them, then why not?

But it got to a terrible point where when I wasn't working or out with my friends or family, I was cooped up in my room trying to just get something out and feel proud of it. And it made me slowly start to turn away from one of my other favorite things to do: watch movies. Because I just kept getting all up in my head and suddenly had this mindset that "No. I can't watch a movie or start a show or pick up a comic because it'll be a waste of time."

And then one of my coworkers made a joke about how I must be in my "falling out of love with movies arc" and it hit me so hard because... I don't want to fall out of love with movies. I LOVE movies. I love drawing. I love art. I love it all. Idk it just sucked for a while.

So all of that mixed together was all in all an awful combination and started eating me up real bad. I genuinely started skipping meals and ignoring whenever my stomach started aching.

I tried to take some breaks last week (still was in bad spot but at least I wasn't pressuring myself). Watched Superman, listened to some Moana, played with my birds, watched GMM, Ludwig streams, and FLSR vods. Just anything to get away and put distance between myself and everything eating me up inside. Nothing changed overnight of course, but stuff still helped in little ways.

Then I saw a twitter post yesterday which pretty much validated my feelings seeing as a lot of other people were going through the same thing. I also listened to the newest 'Shut Up, I'm Talking' episode since Ludwig was on it and it was actually sort of therapeutic in a way?? It helped me to put some things into perspective since what they were talking about (while not the same literally since one was about streaming) had the same general idea and journey - streaming/being a content creator and art are both all about creating.

Anyways, if you read under the cut, thanks for taking some time to listen :)