Müller Öil LLC

Though it may benefit my business to appear as an unfeeling and calculating mastermind, I’m no robot. I’ve wept tears nearly every year of my life: no matter how hard I try, I cannot repress my emotions.

Some of these outbursts are reasonable. For instance, when J. M. M. M. M. Fuddleheimer Big Oil had an oil tanker crash in the Atlantic last year, I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy. When karmic justice—as J. M. M. M. M. Fraudenheimer might call it—reared its head at my innocent company, I cried ugly tears for weeks. We had just lost thousands of beautiful gallons of liquid gold. Thanks to the carelessness of the driver (who has since been banished to the moon), the most productive estuary in the world is now the proud owner of more Günter Müller Öil LLC petroleum than all of the working class combined.

This loss was absolutely heartbreaking. We barely made out with fifteen billion dollars profit in the Northeastern United States as a result. Perhaps, with this perspective, my crying seems more reasonable.

Now that I’ve had some time to reflect upon myself and my handling of the Müller Öil Oil Spill, I will leave you with my final thoughts on the matter:

Ah, my friend, but you are qualified! Such values are all that are needed to join the Müller work family! Also—and please answer honestly—do you know how to operate a 350-foot long oil tanker? Captain is currently the only position we have open.

The all-new 2027 Müllenheimer Sunfish. But enough about numbers. Let's talk stats.

SEATS: the 2027 Sunfish has 4 anti-homeless benches and two folding chairs for the drivers.

GAS PORTS: the 2027 Sunfish sports 3 different gas ports. All three must be filled should the car want to run. Each tank holds 100 metric gallons of quality petroleum.

STEERING WHEELS: the 2027 Sunfish has two steering wheels. Gone are the days of accidentally reversing into oncoming traffic! Now, if you wish to reverse, too bad! Instead, you must exit your chair and move to the steering wheel on the opposite side, where you can resume controlling your sweet ride.

DOORS: the 2027 Sunfish has one door. We've taken note of Tesla's suicide doors and raised those tech-bro cucks the Müllenheimer Suicide Net Doors (Patent Pending). These entryways of the future open DOWN, providing boarders of the Sunfish with an easy walkway to get into the 4-and-a-half foot tall chassis. Be warned, the handle is high up, and the ramp the door creates is STEEP.

MISC: the 2027 Sunfish runs at 4.7 GHz and can overclock to 5.1 GHz. It comes equipped with 32 GB of DDR5 3200 MHz RAM, and has two screens equipped directly above the windows in lieu of rear-view mirrors. The screens can either show what's going on behind you, or play videos from Müllenheimer Foobee, our new oil-centric streaming service.

GAS MILEAGE: What you've all been waiting for. Our scientists have been (WILLINGLY) hard at work for the past several weeks, uninterrupted. The result of this grueling work? Our magnum opus: a car with zero miles per gallon. The perfect vehicle.

The 2027 Müllenheimer Sunfish cannot move unless all three gas ports are plugged in simultaneously. Starting at $710 (oil upside down kinda).

Thank you.

The first blueprint of the wondrous vehicle is attached below.

1. Invest in Günter Müller Oil LLC.

My LLC has posted a profit of at least 3.1 Trillion Gambian Dalasi each quarter since 2021. Moreover, we've outperformed the Dow Jones sevenfold since 2023. Investing in me is a surefire way to make money!

2. Buy the all-new K-25 Müllerian Starting Rig

My new starter kit comes with everything you need to start fracking now! A decent excavator, a 200-gallon storage container, two 35-gallon barrels, a 25-foot tall derrick, and so much more! The value is immaculate. Order yours (or one for friends/family) on Rigs4Cheap.gm for only $65,000! Truly, it pays for itself.

3. Have rich friends.

Of the four tips posted here, this is likely the most lucrative. Simply by having friends in the upper crust, you move toward the top of the food chain. Your net worth is your net girth.

4. Piss your pants.

The most important thing to find when starting your career as an entrepreneur is motivation. For me, this comes in the form of pissing my pants. When I piss my pants, I have to GRIND for a new pair. I have to WORK until I am dry. This is where my desire to continually improve myself, my mind, my body; and my company, my musicianship, my sex life; and my entrepreneurial spirit.

5. You must find the fifth tip within yourself.