Forced Vision

Two days ago I wrote a thing on reddit. I don't remember why I did that but it's on here now. Also I think I got shadow-banned from /r/depression. That's sad, I guess. But I wanted to make a copy/past of this comment because it's probably my best shot at describing my view on the world... And on life. Mostly on life though.

So there was a guy that "became aware" and stuff. I'm not going to tell you the story but here it is: 

http://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/29z6cg/i_suddenly_became_aware/

And here's my comment:

And I thought reading Punpun was enough... Well, guess not.

It's good to ask yourself questions, and it's good that you found an answer. I believed the same thing before, but I didn't acted as "Oh shit" in a second and nobody was looking at me. Because I was alone. Maybe in my universe there's someone, or multiple someone, watching me. Or maybe there's one universe where everyone is there, living and dying.

Yet, even though I felt special when thinking this... I wanted to understand more. What's life. Is it worth it. Is the little things worth living? I'm still thinking about it now, and tomorrow. When I will pass during for my finals passing, I'll think about it again. And everything else. My realization was not as bright as yours (by bright I mean happy). I realized that everyone was nothing but just an another animal. I still consider ourselves as animals, because after all, nothing big changed. We are conscious, that's the big change. We invented plenty of things and changed the face of Earth. But you just need some pressure to become an animal again. I hate us. Yet I still live there. I think that life isn't worth living like this, today, in this society. So I chose to have a dream yesterday. I will kill myself once I achieved this dream. It is to walk and see what Mother did for us. Or for you, in your universe. I mostly want to see Antarctica, actually. Why is that, you may be curious (or not but you are reading this anyway)... It's where everything is quiet. Of course, the other animals are living there, sorry... The quietest place on Earth. You don't need to walk too much to be alone there. It's a beautiful place on the photos.

Well, enough talking about me, this is your "awakening", after all. So I will ask you questions, that I will answer just after like most people do. Do you think working for a goal is worth it? But is this goal worth it in life, as a whole, for you? Would you work for this goal if this said work was pleasant? Of course, you would. I mean hey, you are getting paid doing what you love. But if your job was painful? Probably, because you didn't think about your goal as a whole before. Mine current goal (not dream) is to buy a new PC. I'm working a month as a caretaker in different buildings in my city, and I hate it. But it's only a month. But here's something different from others... I think it isn't worth it. Enduring the pain and the mood of others while I'm forcing myself to smile and say hello, and if someone want to discuss, discuss with them, it's just not worth a month of work. But why am I doing it then? Why am I just not staying in my house doing nothing? Well, my parents would hate that and would probably kick me out. It's already hard dealing with depression all day and with nothing to be able to heal you, I still have a dream to achieve. So, do you have a dream worth living for? I hope you do. Once it's achieved, will you still live? Oh, you probably didn't asked yourself this question. Well if you do, you will be able to tell your story to people. Isn't that great? Maybe. Not for me, I don't want to have anything to do with others.

Space is wonderful. Physics are interesting. Science is a gift. Most of our modern philosophy is boring. It is like nobody want to understand what life is. Because they know it's gonna hurt when they understand. Yet I feel like I simply looked through the answer. Or did I opened the answer entirely? In both case I can't continue looking for a different meaning. I feel like it's the right one. Or is it? It would be funny that, when I die, something or someone says hey you didn't understood life, try again. I would hate, oh boy, would I hate starting again. A boring, meaningless life. Even if I was to become an important person to everyone, I would still think the same thing. So such thing as being important would be impossible. See, I can't go forward. Can't even find a "normal" (boring) dream. Just let us go. Even if there's nothing after death.

"But why don't you die already?" most of you are probably thinking. I already told you, I have a dream. A useless dream, but that's only to find my own answer to life. Will all of my life was worth it? To see what I will see?

Yet most people here on reddit are living in their house or outside, having a job or searching for one. As days pass, as weeks pass, as month and years pass... It's just the same thing day after day. A boring life. I don't care much about the community either. As much as art is probably the only thing keeping me in touch with this reality, I still hate us. Are people worth living with? I wonder, really. All experiences I had were disappointments. Not only for me, but mostly for you. I'm sorry if I troubled you. I'm trying to redeem myself with someone... She loves me. This is making me nearly indifferent. I don't know how she can love me really, she say that I'm an interesting and mysterious person. But she is such a gentle person, I might fall in love with her... If I still have feelings.

You know OP (and people reading), scientists said that depression was a chemical imbalance in the brain. But what if it was a lie? Maybe there's no such things as "chemical imbalance". Just you thinking. Well anyway, after all this time being depressed I haven't cried. Have you OP? Yes, you are not depressed I can read that... But have you cried for a good reason? Because I think there's no such thing worth crying for, for now. If anyone would like to change my views he/she would be welcomed to do so. Or think of me as a book, like I think of you as one. Just you guys are hard to read, haha... Yes, it's not funny.

You know, I think I'm going to leave in February. Once I got my driver license, that is. Maybe I will wait for her though. How much is that... 1 or 2 years... I guess that could be ok... Even though I will leave for a while without her, somewhere, but alone... I don't know where we will go together, maybe nowhere. Whatever happen, something something death. Maybe suicide. Maybe accident. Or just death by old age. Oh... This is weird. Unsure about the future. I don't want to face reality either... But I'm just a coward after all. Or I just find life boring. I honestly feel like it's not worth living. But we know that there are things that Mother created... I want to see them before dying. So I'll know if life was worth living or not.

I guess that settles a decision. I'll kill myself once I will achieve my new dream. Because after, it wouldn't be worth it. Living, I mean. Nah, working for nothing but little pleasures. Epicure said that happiness could be found in the pleasures. To achieve happiness, you had to get rid of all misfortune. Today it's impossible.

First things first: The title (it's the song title. The song is amazing and the lyrics are well put. I guess.): My mind is getting worked up right now (I missed this feeling) and there's a theme I would like to talk about and this would be... Life! Not life itself, but when you turn 18 and got a job, you know? Well, not in the poor countries but you know what I want to talk about... Maybe.

Anyway, I created this to kinda vent and expose my ideas to the world. Been months since I posted here, there have been... Things, in-between. Not pretty things. Boring things, very boring things (not bad, not nasty, not good. Average.). I wish it would have been otherwise but I chose to spend my time like this... Sometimes I wonder if being able to think is a gift or a curse from Mother. Or was it Mother? Oh so many questions, I'm so excited! But really I want to talk about choice. Choice of adults, and if it's worth it or not, pretty much.

So you, reader, you're probably a person above 18 years (or not) and a person who can think (or not). I'm not going to talk about you do this and that, just so you know I'm speaking about people like you. People who probably have a job and a family. if you are alone (or with someone, which is always better) I hope you are free in your own terms and are living your dream. So yes, let's talk about choices.

When someone make a choice, he, most of the time, think about what is good in it and what is bad in it. Well the exceptions are lust and love but that's about it. But when you have a family, a job and a predictable future (minus premature death), there's one question that usually lead to a choice that is: "Was it worth it? Was everything I did was worth it? All my work for this? Was it worth it?". This can lead into satisfaction, doubt or depression.

Well, that's what I think at least (don't take anything I say seriously. Hell, even a professional would tell you to no take anything he says seriously... I hope. What I'm trying to say is that you got to think about it on your side.. Yeah, I'm not clear but I always had trouble when I'm trying to explain things, even to myself)... So I'm not as good as an another human being, to be fair I'm way worse than anyone in this society (except people who haven't contributed to anything), the only thing I'm good at... Well, decently at... (Maybe? Yeah, I have a low self-esteem... But you already saw that) is video games, speaking english (I'm french) and being curious! If that's something someone can be proud of.

Really I think that's about it. I would develop on it if I had any experience. But I'm only turning 18 in a month. This post is awful, it's only about me finally. But I guess I want to talk about myself. Or do I need it? Do I need to talk about my illness and my life to the world? I still don't get why depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain though... I feel like what I choose is right, and I can't make the true choice because something *must* be blocking it, and that's what other people says. 

I always though that (sorry it might be naive) being alone was something great. I mean alone, alone in a forest with your own little house in wood, looking for food everyday. Only thing is, I wasn't raised to work alone. Most of the things were given to me, gifted to me. Being able to learn easily just by listening was a gift that I embraced. Having a great family was a big luck. I'm only aware of it since a few weeks. 17 years alive on my feets and only understanding how lucky I am, and being disgusted by it... Oh finally. I wanted to know, now I do! But why would I take this so happily? Because I feel like this was the right thing. Seeing how selfish and arrogant we are as humans... Wishing if someone could listen to me, make me happier just by being with this person, alone. Like a dream... A dream that come true by dreaming, drawing and writing. Oh, if only real life was so easy. Everyone says it's hard. Hard to earn your place in society, hard to make money and... Just, life is hard. That's universally acknowledged. Everyone knows life is hard, but not everyone accept it and live without thinking. Oh do I envy them, but do I hate them. I don't know how I became so depressed and so... This... But I'm here now, wondering if life is worth it and if there's anything to do. I always though about leaving (not always but still.) and travelling by myself. Being alone most of life and enjoying it. Maybe I though this was freedom, my own definition of freedom? 

And there I think... Freedom isn't a universal definition, it is an idea that everyone have, and everyone form in their head... To become a definition. If you take the time to think about it. It might be harder than knowing if life is worth it or not (if life wasn't worth it I wouldn't be writing oh god I just found my solution to the question)... And I'm going to shut up about this because holy shit I just learned something. Questions, choices and thoughts are all personal... As long as no other human get hurts it's okay (That's my moral code though, maybe not yours. I haven't developed it yet because right now at this moment I don't really need it).

Hm... This post is getting confusing. I will not read it once again today though, I just... Write, and let it like this. How many errors did I make? How confusing is my post? I made it so someone can read it. But it's just me thinking and honestly, it's a ball of ideas.

One other thing. As I was writing this I was reading "Oyasumi Punpun", and I'm far from a manga guy but I wanted a person to be happy so I red it for her. Was it selfish? I don't know, but now I feel like it wasn't because it's just... Special. And I also played the Stanley Parable a few days ago, very though provoking. Was an amazing game. Next on my list is "Gods will be watching" that will get out on steam in a few weeks. I recommend checking it out, it's very interesting. I wanted to say thanks to her for making me discover Punpun, very interesting and powerful. I would say thanks to her for other things but let's make an another post about it. Maybe.

WIP

You don’t know how much I can hate humans but also how I can love them.

Even if I hate humans and act like someone else in social interactions… I should tell you why :

First off, people are, for the vast majority, bad. At the first sight humans are nice or just don’t care (note it), but they can be very offensive, don’t think right (note it too) and have limits easely broken.

Second, and that’s about how they care about strangers. Most of the people won’t notice others, all they think is about… Things (“what could I buy ; this girl is strange”). The only people they notice are the ones who are out of the norm (note again) or crazy. Oh and when someone is injured it’s like everyone knows him/her (thus I respect the ones who call for help, thus I want to kill those who watch and speak without doing anything).

Third, most people don’t think right, or rationally. I don’t really know how to explain it, but the best exemple I could provide is the robbery in France a while ago where the owner shot the thief, therefor killing him. Now that the country know about it we can see some groups who have formed : - In favor of the owner who shot the thief (because now he will be judged for his crime). The big group, promoted by the mass media. They think the owner who was robbed did the right thing and so they help him to not go in jail. Composed by average people, and some racists like everywhere. [Also interesting, because they are way more than the other groups, this one big group think they are right.] - In favor of the thief who died. Very controversial, I would say a handful of people are in this group. They think the owner shouldn’t have fired. It takes a lot of courage to go against tge flow, but this is about common sense. Do you think the owner should go to prison ? Do you think the thief was a bastard ? I’m gonna say that nobody was right. But the owner should go to prison even if he killed a criminal. He was human, he had a family, friends and experiences to share. Destroying a life is bad, even without wanting it (but damn he had a gun).

And that’s actually why humans can be beautiful. Humans are interesting. Their history can be from utterly boring to completely mind-blowing. But they all have their experiences. Now that’s the only good thing about humans I think. Oh and I forgot : living together, loving someone else, caring more about others than yourself, be someone good. Someone who say what I just said is a lie is batshit pessimist. Some humans have a good side. But the current society *force* us to be bad.

Finally, out of the norm. Do you want to have different clothes than everyone else in a community ? Do you want others to mock you because you think differenly ? Of course no one wants. You got the idea. Be like everyone else and you’re ok.

Note : This post was more about the status of our current society than philosophical. It wasn't even philosophical.

Sorry but nobody is truly exeptional. If you are friend with someone else then you are not different. No, what I’m saying is true. Forced vision. We teach this in schools : you are different from the others. The only different thing is where your community is in the world. France and Congo doesn’t have the same communities for exemple. Or a high class dinner is completly different from a street gang tag party (or whatever).

Anyway, to sum up : Humans are huge assholes but rarely they can be kind.

Note : No philosophy.

I don’t know how to share but I know how to give. I’m happy if people that I care about are happy, because of me. That’s pretty much the only thing that can make me happy. I try to think about others rather than about me, because others are more important than a mere human who can’t do much. Helping people to go forward, or just a present, it’s great. And now will I will try to make someone happy, and I will need help. May Reddit help me like in the past ? Maybe. We’ll see.

                     Forced Vision V - Science and Universe

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Science. This is because of that if we are behind our screen. It's because of that if we drive cars, have light, discovered space.

But Science will never be able to answer the fundamental question : What is life ? Only philosophy can answer it. And quite frankly, I don't think we will be able to, unless something in the universe go on Earth and tell us. But anyway, aren't we all doomed to disappear ?

Science is great, but there are major flaws. How can they be so sure about space ? How can they be so sure about the black holes, black matter, atoms and everything beyond our reach ? Humans can see big but humans don't think enough. It's like scientists can predict the future. Will they be able to predict which planet will be eaten by a black hole ? Can they say where our galaxy is heading in the universe ? Maybe it will take a turn and everyone will be confused. I'm sure the universe is so complex, science can't do much to understand it. 

What can I say tough, is that ~2,5M years is nothing to the universe. We won't last long to watch what this universe will be/do.

We are forced to comply that Science can do things beyond human imagination, but I want to know something. I will ask questions directly to scientists and Science itself :

What was before the "beginning" ?

Were there really a big bang ? 

Forced Vision IV - Life questions

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#Note : Personal sentences will be in italic. You can skip them.

Oh look, a question that come back often! Yes, but it's so important and confusing that we still think about it. 

For me, I can't do something without knowing what it is for. I need a goal, and so do you (for those who read). That's why we study, to have a career that we love. That's why we work, to have money and survive. That's why we survive, to live our life. But what the point of living if we don't know why we live ?

If you do please tell me, because this question is gradually throwing me into a depression, and I seriously don't want to be depressed. But every so often I lost my focus, start to question reality and life, and wonder what would happen if I died. And this isn't something new for sure. 

You remember when your professors and parents told you reading was great ? I would have loved to never hear it. Just that it can be a little distraction. You just need to read your school manuals. But human curiosity... It's such a beautiful thing that it can be a pain for some people. Why do people died for searching something ? Why do people died for trying to explain how something works ? Why do people died for thinking about life ?  

Today, 18 September 2013, was the longest, boring, hard, tiring day of my life. Try to laugh, try to speak to people, try to smile, try to focus on something, don't do this or that, don't question him, her, them. Answer people, discuss, don't be awkward, don't be alone in your school. For some reason those rules are tattooed in my brain and I can't get them off, even with the help of /r/Howtonotgiveafuck. I'm 17 years old, and a suicide isn't even a plan for me. I won't die until I find my answers. But again, those questions are a pain.

But I still didn't wrote the question. It's probably because you already know it. But here it is : What is life ?

Now here's some questions issuing from "what is life" : 

Why are we alive ?

Why are we humans ?

Why are we living in this planet, in this solar system, in this galaxy, in this universe ?

Why are we curious ?

Only 4 questions but it's already a lot to answer. And maybe we will never know. And that's probably why religion was created, to give life a false meaning, to give life a false beginning. 

That have nothing to do with philosophy, sorry.

I will tell you a tip : Never have big expectations on something (unless it's Rockstar developing a new GTA), and when you will experience this something you will be amazed.

That was pretty much what I tough about my town before I visited it by my own (Even if I wasn't supposed to visit it, it was worth it). Most of the city is about houses, old shitty buildings, roads and god damn useless shops. Also I was lost so I decided to visit, because in 12 years I never did.

But once I came across the "old city" you have mixed feelings. Turn your head right and you see the road and say "meh", turn left and be amazed. I kind of like the old cities and all when I'm alone (and when it rain or snow) but that was impressive. Even if it's one of the shittiest "town" of my country this was mind-blowing really. After discovering a part of the city I never knew I came back to the "turn your head" part. I wanted to go right, I felt like there was something nice there. Well after a little walk I was happy. God damn little public garden. Medieval style and all. And because of that I finally came to my destination but it was too late. So I took the boring road to my bus. The end.

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From my point of view exactly. I don't have much friends (if any, but long story), and I seriously doubt you would listen to me, but I think it can be useful to listen to someone who has never really experienced friendship.

First off, I would like to define "friendship". But not all types (yes), just one : Adolescence friendship. Because I'm way more exposed to this than adulthood, childhood or old age friendships. I will quote Wikipedia because it's more useful than my mind :

"Whether adolescents were influenced by their friends to engage in problem behavior depended on how much they were exposed to those friends, and whether they and their friendship groups "fit in" at school (Crosnoe, R., & Needham, B., 2004)."

I only put a part of it because that was the most interesting. Even if this is a confusing citation, I hope you understand it. Now I will put my own definition :

"Friendship is a relationship between two [or more] people who are not from the same family. They pass most of their time together, are kind to each other, have great moments together, laugh and help each other."

Remember, what I call "Forced vision" is what people try to make us believe, to make us like them. So there are no freaks in our society. But sometimes, there's one special human that will go against the flow (and it takes a lot of courage to do so) and he will be exiled from this current society. I think it's completely fucked up, and were pretty much all trapped in this huge dystopia. 

I don't consider myself like somebody special (freak if you prefer this term), nor like somebody normal. I consider myself like a spectator and a writer of what's happening in this world. But it's so horrible I don't have the guts to write stuff down. Well, until yesterday.

Sorry people but the first one will be in french because I'm too lazy to translate it right now. I will later tough.

Vision forcée