Jottings

I feel so much free-flowing anxiety. I know I will be fine. I know that I can do this. But what the fuck is making me so fucking fucking fucking nervous? I can’t listen to most music because it makes me anxious. I dislike most people, or I resent them, or feel I don’t deserve to talk to them because I don’t have time. I don’t have time for anything. But I do. I make time to feel depressed. I make time to sit in my bed and not do a single thing, not feel a single thing but more anxiety and sadness. I’m a fucking masochist sometimes, but I also love to tell myself that I am my own best friend. I want to just disappear for the next three weeks, but I have someone that actually makes it better to be co-dependent than independent. I’m constantly worried for something I can’t label, but it haunts me every second outside of sleep. I’m worried that I am not good enough, not good enough for the one person I’ve been waiting so long for. Not good enough to make it, what after all of this i am left with my meaningless scraps? On one hand I know that this will all be over soon, but on the other I know that this is just the beginning...this is who I am, and I will always find something else to feel doomed over. 

What happens if I’m the toxic one? 

I keep searching for that moment where I take a deep exhale and with it I release all the grief and mourning for a wasted love. I really loved/love you, and I don’t even know you anymore. I truly don’t. I don’t know anymore about you than a stranger walking down the street. And yet, I wish we could walk past each other and you could approach me as if you didn't know what I was capable of. As if you didn’t know how crazy, how impulsive, how protective I could be. But even more than that, I wish I could just keep walking as if I didn’t know how crazy, how impulsive, how protective you could be. 

What a horrible feeling it is to know that the one you love didn’t choose you. 

Doing all the right things, but my minds always on the border of sin

And I don't think you see that I'm not like you, I'm not your kind. Your pre-calculated responses can only go so far, so I need to stop believing you're more than you are.