A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Last night my friend just said "How is it?!" and I thought she was asking about my beer, which was a Bud Light, so I went ahead and tried to describe the notes and complexity of a Bud Light to her before she stopped me and was like, "Um...I meant your new job. But please continue, this is really something."

Day 6 at my new place of business. Wishing I hadn't referred to children crossing the street in school zones as "great hood ornaments" in a conversation with my new boss.

Do you ever just want to quit what you're doing, drop everything, and just move to a new state for a way to just start fresh?

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror with like, dry shampoo which has turned your hair white and pimple cream dabbed on in a few places and just laughed to yourself and felt like it is prob for the best that you are single because you’d really have to find someone verrrry special to appreciate all that you bring to the table

I have never before been in a wedding where it ended up costing me a few grand (flights, out-of-town bachelorette party, required updo and professional makeup, hotels, being invoiced for a bridal shower out-of-town which I cannot go to, bridal shower IN town which I have been requested/instructed to throw), and I never will again.