I am not spooky enough

I’m useless in all the ways that matter, and many more than don’t.

I feel very isolated and alone. I feel rootless and friendless and unsafe. Social connections seem like safety nets at first, but when things go bad and sides are chosen everything gets poisoned. I wish I still lived alone, but I also hate that I feel so alone. When I lived alone it was so easy to slip into timeless and private misery, I didn’t even realize how pathetic I was for long intervals of time. And when I did realize it, I could at least express it.

There are many nights when I ache for some connection that I cannot clearly identify

I want to get hurt so bad by the hand of someone else. I want someone to pay attention to me enough to hurt me and watch me. But I’m so easy to ignore instead.

Heyoooo have another I recently lost a bunch of weight which is good because I was diagnosed with something that is worse if I’m overweight, but this is prolly the least I’ve weighed since middle school. I’m still kind of thicc but my butt isn’t as big and I went from a c-cup to a b-cup and between all of my clothes not fitting and the only thing I had bodily confidence in (my curves) disappearing what felt like over night I’ve felt lost in the physical. I just bought some new bras and it seems like they’re too big too. I don’t have the money to keep doing this?? And also everyone and their damn mother keeps telling me that I lost weight. Not just that I look good but specifically “you’ve lost so much weight!” Like, the same people, repeatedly, they go so far as to tell me “don’t loose another pound!!” Like... I know, I know it’s all meant well but it makes me so conscious about it, and then that makes me conscious about what I’m eating, and I feel guilty for eating things.

it just kinda sucks that i feel like you’ve become a part of the past, a past I don’t want to and don’t need to be affiliated with

I could be that but im not allowed to do that I could be what you want but it’s too late. you wanted me once

I’m pathetic and disgusting. I don’t want to be anywhere. The people I cling to are not real and never were. I don’t know how to have real connections. I’m useless and a waste of space. without menial tasks i dont fulfill a purpose. I’m empty. 

just want you to want to talk to me ???? Just to reach out when something happens or you're bored or anything just want you to be my friend ?