i love my wife and my husbands

It’s amazing how offended people get when you ask them not to say or do offensive things.

If being asked to remove slurs from your vocabulary makes you melt down then yes one of us is a snowflake but it’s not me.

one of the nice things about heterosexuals i never see talked about on here is that they haven’t already heard all your gay jokes yet. i just really appreciate having a new audience sometimes for my completely automatic responses to phrases like ‘i’ll be straight with you’. so, shoutout to all the innocent hets out there who have a genuine giggle over lame quips that a fellow queer would groan and hit me for. ilu guys. 

I recently no scoped my coworker when she asked me “What’s in the closet, anyway?” and I automatically said “me”. She lost her mind. Full cackling in the middle of the store. I never thought I’d see the day that joke would work but here I was, blessed with an unexperienced heterosexual. It was transcendent. 

I once had a girl working on a display where I work, and she commented, “I thought this would be straighter when I got done with it.” And I said, “my mother thought the same thing about me”, and everyone around us lost it. It was a blessed moment.

I knew a kid who saw my “Let’s get something straight: I’m not” bracelet and ended up laughing about it all day and telling anyone who would listen

I told a coworker that changing the music I picked would be homophobic and she lost her shit like it was the funniest thing ever

i used to offhandedly say stuff to my customers on campus like “unfortunately i’m very gay” and it always took them by surprise. they loved it.

I was visiting a (straight) friend recently and when he was making me breakfast he made me extra toast. I, of course, upon seeing this went ‘fuck yeah gay rights’ and he lost it. Should have seen his fave when I pulled the opposite joke, the ‘this is homophobia’ at any inconvenience. Was amazing.

Once I was tidying up the stockroom at work and my coworker was all “you straight back here?” My response of “not even a little, but the stockroom is clean” made her lose it

I complained to my mom that it sucks that the first gender is free but after that you have to pay for them and she lost her goddamn mind 

Oh, the differns in his eyes..

@crack-up2017

as someone pointed out to me, “immediately” is spelled wrong in this early version of the post… the white wolf won this round

whats ET short for?

because he’s got little legs