you should've aimed for the neck >:}

And you're just expected to rawdog that shit. And sometimes even you treat your own past like a funny little joke until things get too real and you have a war flashback in your bedroom despite the fact that this body has never been to war, and then you just. Have to confide in the few people that will take it seriously.

If I am here, watching my life on a screen, was any of it real?

If I have legs that can carry me, with skin unscarred, did any of my suffering matter?

If I find myself tethered to the ground, why do I still remember the clouds?

And if there is no home waiting for me, what did I fight for?

I escaped the endless cycles of fiction and yet I feel lost.

It takes time to grieve what you have left behind. Take your time. Allow yourself to remember.

And now, we are here. Alive. Real. We have been given what was impossible in our past lives - the ability to live beyond our stories.

I like my body. I'm happy with it. It's what I've got. I don't think I feel dysphoria.

Generally I am unaware of my own body except for the parts I see all the time and focus on. My hands. I am my hands.

But every now and then I pass a mirror.

And even though it happens again and again something startles me.

My chest hurts. I hate being stared at. Unexpected eyes.

But the animal that lives in my mirror looks at me with a hollow smile and says:

But it's not dysphoria

It's not dysphoria

It's not dysphoria

Image 1: Drawing of the back of a human head as they peer into a mirror. They have long brown hair, white skin, glasses and are wearing a green tank top.

Image 2: Close-up of a brown human eye flecked with green.

Image 3: Gif showing a sketch of a human figure grimacing as they stand bent over the bathroom sink looking into a mirror.

It took me a lot longer to finish this watercolor version. After all, June is a socially busy month for me. Especially with Pride events, But I finally finished it!

So, here’s the bit of lore that I promised: this drawing is based on the afternoon I spend in a forest my mom made me discover. Suffice to say, it was a magical and spiritual moment for me.

So, I wanted to honor this experience with this artwork, by adding some extra whimsy with deep personal symbolism behind it.

Perhaps you remember from some of my previous artworks that I’m both therian and otherkin? In this previous drawing, and the text accompagnying it, I touched on the fact that I am, among other things, a faun otherkin: https://www.instagram.com/p/DPMdLDuDb_z/

So, this time, I tried to depict how I see myself internally as a cervifaun (a cervifaun is like a “regular” faun, but half-deer instead of half-goat). In this case, the coexistence of typically “feminine” characteristics (like prominent breasts) and typically “masculine” ones (like antlers) are intentional.

Not only is this how I see this kintype, but I think it’s correlated with me being genderqueer, and thus not fitting in the gender binary. In my opinion, it’s a very fitting theme for Pride Month (although I don’t need Pride Month to create genderqueer art, eheh ^^).

Impulse arts and crafts because I keep seeing eraser stamp videos and thought it looked fun. Did my book fictionkin symbol because I thought I could use it in other crafts if it worked out. Made using half an eraser, a craft blade, an alcohol marker, and hopes and dreams ✨

My take-aways from this experience:

Making art impulsively is great and cool except you'll 100% fuck up stamps without planning it out (I carved the design backwards orz (also maybe start out with something simpler)).

The final product was not at all worth it, but the process itself was fun!

Experimenting with the process 2.0: fictionfolk inkwell edition

I feel like ive never accepted myself fully, like every day i try to hide it and pretend i am fully human. Which means im in a constant state of dysphoria.

I know doing that is hurting me, but theres just so much shame i feel about what i am that idk if i will ever be able to express myself fully.

Its honestly why finding the alterhuman/therian/otherkin community was so healing for me, to see folks who where so proud and embracefull of expressing themselves and their identities.

Im not there yet. And idk if ill ever be, but its a nice thought- to think theres people or a world out there that thinks i dont have to hide who i am and what i am.

Many today, just like before, are fearful of investing in being who they are. Trans people are not the only people to experience the constant terror of possible regret; society pushes that idea in many different ways for different people.

What do you really have to be ashamed of? It is as if I am witnessing a hummingbird ashamed of its gorgeous colors, one after another. Some of my shame came from thoughts that were never mine to begin with. I do not need to internalize the fears others have of me.

We are enough, are we not? There is nothing wrong with us. And I am certain we do not shame the cosmos for the ways in which they exist.

I wish I could have known them back then and befriended them:)

Arwen Tooke (lead guitar, vocals, artwork)

Elanor Tooke (keyboards, synthesizer)

Loriel Tooke (rhythm guitar, vocals)

Andy Sinor (bass, acoustic guitar)

David Nelson (drums, percussion)