Crying in homosexual

Is there any ana groupchats that I can be added to?

Honestly why does Christmas even exist in my family. None of us are Christian, even remotely, and we aren’t even having many people over this year. Why does it have to be based over food? I can’t not eat because I’m at the table and they’ll be suspicious, but I hate the idea of sitting and eating masses of food, and gaining back weight after I’ve already gained back 10 pounds. I hate this. School has gotten worse too, I think I’ve been the centre of more fat jokes in one week then in my whole life. Now my birther is even starting with it again. 

I wish I could just rip my uterus out. I feel like I’m not sick enough if I still have my period and when I gain weight on it I feel like shit. If I could just be a sad man in peace that would be appreciated. 

After I lost the first 10kg, I binged for a few days and gained 4kg, which will take 8 days to lose, but it’s still annoying that I screwed everything up. But I’m going to be at my ugw by February (Started extremely obese, I had a binging problem) I’m going to start again, wish me luck. 

Finally someone has commented on my weight loss, and for once I feel like I’ve done something. My face looks slimmer apparently, I don’t see it, but the fact that someone else noticed is enough.

I actually hate myself. I don’t know how but I gained weight when I only consumed <400 calories? How does that even work? And now I can’t bring myself to eat or drink anything that isn’t water or my 1kcal lemonade. I hate this so much. I wish I could just instantly shed all of this extra fat and then I would finally be happy.

I’m actually done with this. I just drank a milkshake and I only have 3 calories left for the whole day so now I’m going to have to fast. I was looking forward to eating later, but I guess that’s not happening.

Sometimes I wander if all of this suffering is even worth it. Of course I want to be skinny, I want to be pretty for once, but is it really worth all of this pain I have to go through every single day. I try and convince myself its not worth it but I know that I’m not going to be able to stop obsessing over every little thing that enters my body. But the thing that’s making me question it all the most is my girlfriend. She knows what I look like and she knows I’m fat but she doesn’t care? Of course she could be lying but I trust her a lot. 

I’m actually proud of myself for once, I managed to lose 5 kg in 6 days. That’s like 11 pounds.

My parents literally just said it’s okay if people self harm, or commit suicide if they can be bothered to go and get things in order to do it knowing full well I’m suicidal, self harming and I’m not eating? I mean at least they’re supportive but that’s really not the thing I need right now. They’ll be the first to complain that I’m losing too much weight and that it’s not healthy to go on long fasts all the time and then say things like this. Then they call me lazy when I don’t want to speak to them anymore.