history of the entire world, I guess starters (pt 1)
ā Ā Youāre on a rock floating in space. Ā ā
ā Ā Pretty cool, huh ? Ā ā
ā Ā Some of itās water. fuck it, actually, most of itās water. Ā ā
ā Ā I canāt even get from here to there without buying a boat. Ā ā
ā Ā Itās sad. Iām sad. I miss you. Ā ā
ā Ā How did this happen ? Ā ā
ā Ā A long time ago - actually, never. and also now. Ā ā
ā Ā Nothing is no where. Ā ā
ā Ā Makes sense, right ? Ā ā
ā Ā Like I said, it didnāt happen. Ā ā
ā Ā Nothing was never anywhere, thatās why itās been everywhere.Ā ā
ā Ā Itās been so everywhere you donāt even need a where. You donāt even need a when. Ā ā
ā Ā Thatās how āeveryā it gets. Ā ā
ā Ā I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. Ā ā
ā Ā I want things to change ! Ā ā
ā Ā I want to invent time and space. Ā ā
ā Ā I know itās possible because everything is here. Ā ā
ā Ā Itās probably already happened. Ā ā
ā Ā I just donāt know when to start. Ā ā
ā Ā And thatās exactly where it started. Ā ā
ā Ā Woah, I paused it. Ā ā
ā Ā I think thereās a universe now. Ā ā
ā Ā Whatās it made of ? Ā ā
ā Ā Ah, thatās a thing. In a place. Ā ā
ā Ā Donāt like it ? Try a new place at a different time.Ā ā
ā Ā Some of them even doubled up. Ā ā
ā Ā Itās a star ! Ā ā
ā Ā New shit just got made. Ā ā
ā Ā Some stars burn out and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION ! Ā ā
ā Ā Holy shit we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks. Ā ā
ā Ā It kinda made a mess. Ā ā
ā Ā Weather update: itās raining rocks from outer space. Ā ā
ā Ā Now thereās hot steam in the sky. Ā ā
ā Ā Weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. Ā ā
ā Ā Weather update: itās raining. Ā ā
ā Ā Severe flooding alert ! the entire world is now an ocean. Ā ā
ā Ā Thereās life in the ocean. Ā ā
ā Ā Somethingās alive in the ocean ! Ā ā
ā Ā oh, cool, like a plant or an animal ? Ā ā
ā Ā It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup. Ā ā
ā Ā Oh, yeah, and it can do that. Ā ā
ā Ā It has secret instructions inside itself telling itself how to build another one of itself. Ā ā
ā Ā Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean ? Ā ā
ā Ā Now you can eat sunlight ! Ā ā
ā Ā Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. Ā ā
ā Ā Taste the Sun ! Ā ā
ā Ā Side affect: now thereās oxygen everywhere and the skyās blue.Ā ā
ā Ā Wow thatās animals and stuff. Ā ā
ā Ā Hey can we go on land ? Ā ā
ā Ā The sun is a deadly lazer. Ā ā
ā Ā Nope ! Canāt walk yet. Ā ā
ā Ā Thereās no food yet so I donāt care. Ā ā
ā Ā Learn to use an egg. Ā ā
ā Ā I was already doing that. Ā ā
ā Ā And now everythingās huge. Ā ā
ā Ā oh fuck, now everythingās dead. Ā ā
ā Ā Here are the survivors. Keep your eyes on this one. Ā ā
ā Ā Yeah, it broke apart, donāt worry about it. It does that all the time. Ā ā
ā Ā and the dinosaurs are gone. Ā ā
ā Ā Itās mammal time, here come the mammals ! Ā ā
ā Ā Look at those breasts ! Ā ā
ā Ā Now theyāre gonna dominate the world. Ā ā
ā Ā One of them just learned how to grab stuff. Ā ā
ā Ā Thatās a human person ! Ā ā
ā Ā And now theyāre everywhere.Ā ā
ā Ā Well I guess weāre stuck here now. Ā ā
ā Ā Letās review: thereās people on the planet and theyāre chasing their food. Ā ā
ā Ā Fuck it. Time to plant some grass. Ā ā
ā Ā Look at this. I control the food now. Ā ā
ā Ā Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Ā ā
ā Ā This is great ! I wonder if anyone else is doing this ? Ā ā
ā Ā Tired of using rocks for everything ? Use metal ! Ā ā
ā Ā Itās underground. Ā ā
ā Ā Better farming was just invented in a sweet, dank valley right in between these two rivers. Ā ā
ā Ā Guess what happens next ! Ā ā
ā Ā Coming soon to a dank river valley near you ! Ā ā
ā Ā Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere the horse is probably being tamed. Ā ā
ā Ā Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy ? Ā ā
ā Ā Tired of using lame, sad metal ? Ā ā
ā Ā I donāt know, my dealer wonāt tell me where he gets it. Ā ā
ā Ā Meanwhile, out in the middle of no where they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Ā ā
ā Ā Now weāre getting somewhere. Ā ā
ā Ā You could make a religion out of this. Ā ā
ā Ā And they believe in god. Ā ā
ā Ā Heās got, like, a ten step program. Ā ā
ā Ā Wow, thatās big. Ā ā
ā Ā Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened. Ā ā
ā Ā This guy who sat under a tree for so long he figured out how to ignore the fact that weāre all dying.Ā ā
ā Ā He was great, and now heās dead. Ā ā
ā Ā Get the hell out of here. Ā ā
ā Ā Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants ? Ā ā
ā Ā And theyāve got spices ! Ā ā
ā Ā Fuck you, obey the law. Ā ā
ā Ā Then it broke again. Ā ā
ā Ā Hell yeah ! Now we got business. Ā ā
ā Ā Is loving Jesus legal yet ? Ā ā
ā Ā No ⦠actually, ok, sure. Ā ā
ā Ā Donāt worry about Rome, it wonāt fall. Ā ā
ā Ā Whatās a barbarian ? Ā ā
ā Ā Hereās a huge city, population: everyone.Ā ā
ā Ā Your gods are all fake. Ā ā
ā Ā Everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. Ā ā
ā Ā The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the Pope is still the Pope. Ā ā
ā Ā Someone owns that now. Ā ā