ɢʀᴀʏꜱᴏɴ ᴋᴇɴɴᴇᴅʏ-ʜᴀɢɢᴀɴ

Hey! I swear I saw [Thomas Doherty] last night but it was just [Grayson Kennedy-Haggan]. The [26] year old [cismale, he/him] is a [Actor, singer, songwriter, and choreographer] living in [Manhattan]. **Pau / 23 / she/her / EST / Fair

     wells tries to smile, he really does, but there were too many emotions running through him in this moment that he finds it hard. “ it’s enough, ” he tells his boyfriend, aware that gray hadn’t done this before   the serious relationship thing. he was his first & promising to never hurt one another was so unrealistic, he needed gray to know he didn’t have those unrealistic expectations. “we can’t expect to never hurt one another… we just… we’ll get through it, every time. i know you’ll never intentionally hurt me, i hope you know i’ll never set out to intentionally hurt you either.” never, wells thinks to himself. the ups & down’s, being a relationship like this was inevitable. wells just huffs out an unamused chuckle because it’s exactly how he felt   like he couldn’t touch gray, he remembers why he felt that way, too, but he doesn’t mention it. he’s willing to let it go. “okay,” he says, simply. he could mention that that’s what started it all   gray making him feel like he couldn’t touch him, but they’re moving on from it all, he needed to let it go. he knew that. he’s at peace with that. “we don’t need his approval   you don’t need it.” he says, but he knows it’s not as simple as that… he wishes it was. “if it’s easier for you, i    i don’t need to be apart of that, gray. i don’t like who that makes you. i don’t like the version of you that he brought out last night, i know that isn’t you.” it wasn’t the gray wells knew & loved. “just… talk to me, okay? ” his thumb brushes over gray’s cheek, his other hand coming up to cup the other side of his face. “i don’t care what baggage you come with, babe. i love you. i’m in this, for the long haul… we’re okay.” wells tells him, this time with a smile. “my head is killing me right now, if i’m honest.” it was pounding, he also felt a bit nauseous, but generally, he was okay. nothing some rest couldn’t fix. “the bed would be great… if you come lay with me.” wells offers, his smile growing into that of a small grin just because he’s hopeful gray does come to lay with him… “i missed you last night. the couch is alright, but…” he shrugs in a silent response, “it’s nothing like our bed.” he remembers when he had a hard time adjusting to calling gray’s things theirs   like their bed, theirs. now, it was instinct. “i should take something… will you lay with me, though?” he asks, before he moves to get those pain killers, hiding away in the cabinet. he needed gray more than that relief, it was more important. he needed to know they were okay.

Gray didn’t want to hurt Wells. Maybe his boyfriend was right and they would again, maybe even more than once, over time, but he didn’t want to. Even if he was new at this, relationships and love, he knew that much. The way he fell for Wells over the years, that playful, flirtatious attraction was one thing, but after they started fooling around and spending more time together, everything changed. Something shifted. He knew what he felt for Wells was different than what he had felt for anyone before him, or ever. He didn’t only crave for his boyfriend physically, but just the thought of him. His company. The way Wells made him feel, the way Wells looked at him, touched him. “I know.” The actor said quietly. He knew he didn’t need his father’s approval, that they didn’t need it. It didn’t change how he still sought for it, any kind of affection or acceptance from the man. But not anymore. Not when this was at stake. Him and Wells. “I’m sorry.” He whispers again, sniffling as he met his boyfriend’s tired green eyes, hands wrapping around Wells’ wrists as he cradles his face, nodding. He needed to hear that. He needed to believe they were okay. That’s all that mattered, really. He was all that mattered. The smile on Wells’ face is met with one of his own, snorting humorlessly when his boyfriend admits his head is killing him, wanting nothing but to put an ease to his pain in all its forms. A tear escapes him again then at the invitation. He still remembers how sharp Wells' words last night had been. I don’t want to talk to you right now. How he opted for the couch instead of their bed. How he really thought that was it for them. Gray just nods, again, because he’s afraid how his voice might catch in his throat if he were to even try to speak or say anything. He just followed Wells around the room quietly with his eyes, and then to their room, their bed, finding comfort in the covers and the weight of his boyfriend next to him. It felt so big and empty the night before, so cold. Gray wrapped an arm around Wells, pulling him closer, daring to reach for that touch even if he wasn’t so sure exactly where they stood in that regards, and brought him into an embrace. His eyes closed, his voice quiet as to not cause any more strain to Wells’ headache. “I couldn’t sleep last night without you here. It just didn’t feel right. I d—I don’t want to have to do that again, sleep apart when we’re under the same roof.”  He admitted, pressing his lips against the side of his head, holding onto him. “I’ll talk to you. I will. I promise.” He adds, his voice no higher than a whisper, loud enough for Wells to hear him. 

     wells didn’t have any excuses for leaving last night like he did , other than he was drunk & mad . he doesn’t feel good about it . it wasn’t what he wanted for them when things got bad - it was the last thing he should’ve done … he could’ve gone back home , asked for his space . in wells’ headspace last night , he feels like that’d have been much harder - asking for that space . he shakes his head , a silent response , an agreement ; wells didn’t want this either , neither of them did . hearing the words that followed really did something to wells - he trusted gray , so much so that when he says those words , wells believes him , wholeheartedly . lips press together , seemingly an attempt to keep himself together , to keep his emotions in check . “ i’m sorry i scared you , ” wells finally says after he clears his throat , taking a moment to find his own voice . “ i was so … upset . ” he huffs out , looks down , too . it was hard to see the hurt , the fear in gray’s eyes - the emotions he influenced due to his absence last night , while he was all the way in brooklyn , drinking his own hurt away . “ maybe i overreacted a bit , but … it’s stupid , really , how much i hate not being able to touch you , to hold you , to be with you . i- i’m just … i’m fucking crazy about you , gray . ” his hands move then , running up & down gray’s arms in a , what he hopes is a comforting manner . the touch is affectionate , a bit possessive , too in the gentle press of his palms along gray’s arms . he means what he’s saying . “ you’re the love of my life , too , you know … i’m obsessed with you , gray , ” that makes him huff out a bit of a laugh because it was so , very true . “ & i don’t want to scare you like that again … i won’t . i promise . ” a hand comes up to craddle gray’s face again , wiping at the trail of tears on his face . “ i hate making you cry . ” he whispers , green eyes looking over gray’s features , hating that frown on his face , the tired eyes looking back at him , sad , scared and hurt . “ we’re okay , right ? ” he gave gray that confirmation , but they were both in this relationship & wells needed to hear it from his boyfriend , too . “ i don’t need your dad’s approval , i don’t need to meet him as your boyfriend … if you want to keep me separate from him , from that , then …. i’m okay with it . ”

Gray’s body shivered even as Wells hands moved soothingly down his arms, words echoing his own professing a love beyond reason or comprehension. The feelings that Wells awoke within him were indescribable with words. Language and idioms were not discovered or evolved enough yet to define the love he felt for the man standing before him. It was terrifying, to some extent, the power the architect held on him at such a short period of time. Wells really was the love of his life, the once in a lifetime kind. “I don’t want to upset you like that again, either. I— want to promise I won’t but maybe I shouldn’t, because I can’t control your feelings and maybe I do even when I don’t want to, but I will try very hard not to, if that’s promise enough?” He adds, leaning his face lightly against his boyfriend’s touch, letting his eyes close softly for a moment. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t or shouldn’t touch me because I’m all yours, Wells. I won’t let anyone come between us like that again.” When he opens his eyes again, he holds his boyfriend’s gaze so Wells knows he means it. It doesn’t matter who it is, Gray really won’t let anyone’s opinion separate them again, literally or figuratively so. Biting lightly against his cheek at the question, shifting his weight from one foot to another, he nods in return, slowly, almost shyly, when Wells asks if they’re okay. He wanted them to be. He surely needed them to be. But when Wells brings up his dad again, he needs a moment to collect his thoughts, to find his voice, cracking a little as he begins. “I don’t—know if we’ll ever have my dad’s approval. He doesn’t approve of me, Wells, and I’m his only son much to his regret.” Swallowing, Gray takes a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t want to keep you separate from him or anyone else in my family. Today was a mistake, but not because of you. Never because of you. I’m just done trying to fit into... whatever version of he I think he’ll finally accept, and I don’t ever want to put you in that position again. If he wants to have anything to do with me, he’ll just have to deal with me. This version of me. Who I am. And that includes you, the way you are.” Because to Gray, Wells was perfect. He would never change a hair on his head. “I bring a lot of baggage with that, my dad. I’ll work through it. I do pay a good therapist for a reason!” It’s not a good joke but he tries to make it sound light enough in conversation. “We’re okay, you and I. Everything else, I’ll figure out, as long as we’re okay. As long as you’re okay.” Which reminds him— “Are you, okay? After last night. Your head? Do you want to take the bed for a bit? I bet the couch wasn’t great...”

     once wells pulls gray into an embrace , he’s both happy to find that gray immediately clings to him ( because he missed that contact ) , but in the way he clings also makes his heart ache . he can feel it - he knows how scared gray was of losing him over this & all he can do is just cradle him in his embrace , hold him tight against him & hopefully offer that comfort that his boyfriend needed . wells just presses his lips to gray’s head , offering a kiss that might go unnoticed , but then he just leans his head against his boyfriends until he finally does just pull back & look at gray , his lovers face between his hands . the sight truly does hurt him . their gaze’s meet & despite how hard it was seeing gray like this , wells looks into the icy blue , sad & tired eyes … & he just listens . “ telling me would’ve been better than this though , babe . ” he keeps his voice soft & he lets out a quiet sigh , still cradling gray’s face between his hands . “ i’m sorry about your dad . ” he really hated the affect the man had on gray … it was obvious , the extent of it . in a sense , he understood , but his relationship with his own father was different . he hadn’t felt the need for his acceptance like gray did his own father   it just showed how their relationships with their fathers differed . “ that he is the way he is with you   that he doesn’t accept you … but gray , you’re amazing in so many ways & if he can’t see that , then … then fuck him , alright ? i see it . i see it every day & it’s why I’m so fucking in love with you . it’s why i’m here , why I came back . ” green eyes focus on those blue eyes , thumbs wiping at those tears . wells leans forward & rests his forehead against gray’s , eyes still focused on his boyfriend’s . “ i’ll always come back . ” he leans in that much more & seals their lips in a supple kiss , his hands falling to gray’s waist, arms wrapping around him as he stays close . “ i shouldn’t have left like that … i’m really sorry . i don’t- i don’t want that to be a thing with us … leaving like that when things aren’t okay … i was upset , drunk … i shouldn’t have done that . ” 

Gray wasn’t sure how long they stood in their embrace, a new fresh set of tears staining Well’s shirt, his grip wrinkling the fabric were he held onto his boyfriend not letting go. He still can’t shake the feeling, the fear that kept him awake most of the night, of how he could lose Wells and what that meant for him, for them. “I’m sorry.” He repeats in a hushed tone, his voice giving up after his rush of words, his eyes meeting Wells’ now that he pulled back. Grays holds onto Wells’ wrists, tilting his head to place a kiss, warm and salty, against his palm, closing his eyes for a moment as he shakes his head. His issues with his dad were not on Wells. He didn’t mean to take it against him or make him feel sorry for him. And yet, he needed to hear that from Wells, the acceptance, the vindication. They had a fight but Wells was still in love with him. He felt like his chest was about to explode, like whatever had been suffocating him before disappeared and he could breathe again. Wells was there. He came back. And he wasn’t going anywhere. “I don’t want that either.” He admits, finding his voice again though there was still a knot in his throat, nodding. “You were right, to be upset. I was an asshole and I deserved you being pissed off at me... but I don’t want this either. Us, fighting like this.” He looks right into his boyfriend’s eyes, mustering the courage to speak the next works steadily. “You’re the love of my life, Wells. Losing you is just not an option for me.” He couldn’t even begin to imagine a life without Wells in it. He wasn’t even sure how he went on about life before him. “I was just so... scared. And worried. I didn’t know where you were, if you were okay. If we need some space, that’s fine, but I need to know you’er okay. If something happened to you—” He couldn’t finish what he was saying, even. He just didn’t think he’d survive that, too. 

     wells can’t do much but sit & listen when gray goes on to explain his actions last night , as to why he things happened the way they did . wells knew enough , he knew it was hard on gray , but that wasn’t an excuse to not give him some sort of heads up . he hated how taken by surprise he was despite knowing things wouldn’t go too well that night … he just hadn’t thought gray would do that considering how crazy they were about one another . how in this they both were - he knew gray was serious about him , he knew his feelings were very mutual , there wasn’t a doubt in his mind about that . it came down to the fact that it just … hurt . wells does nothing but listens when gray goes on , green eyes on him , watching even as those tears start falling . he could tell gray had already been crying . he can see it in his eyes , in his face , but seeing it now , it really does pull at his heart strings . it makes him feel like shit knowing he did that to him , he made gray fear that he’d lost him , that things between them were over . he hated himself a little bit for that . 

     it’s when gray says he’s sorry that wells sighs quietly , to himself & gives in , he wasn’t going to let gray cry & not comfort him . he moves then to approach gray , a hand reaching for gray’s hand , giving it a tug , pulling gray up from his seat at the table . he doesn’t say anything as he wraps gray in his embrace , a tight embrace . “ i’m sorry , too . ” he says after a moment . he pulls back just enough to look at gray , hands on either side of his boyfriends face , thumbs wiping away those tears . “ you aren’t loosing me , gray . i’m upset , but i’m not - we aren’t over . i love you too much . ” he tries then , to put on a little smile because at the end of the day , he meant that . “ we’re gonna be okay , babe … i just … ” he sighs , green eyes looking into blue ones . “ that really sucked , last night . ” his hands fall to gray’s waist . “ why didn’t you just … tell me how you were feeling ? that you weren’t … comfortable with me meeting him as your boyfriend ? you need to tell me those things , gray . ”

Gray wasn’t trying to make excuses about him or his behavior, or his relationship with his father. It wasn’t something he had learned to be too open or speak so freely about, mostly because of who they were, their family name. There was really no amount of therapy that helped overcome an entire lifetime of trying to earn some validation from his father, and he really thought he couldn’t care anymore—yet there he was. He had put everything he cared about the most at risk in trying to please a man who would never be satisfied with his own son and Gray wasn’t ready to give it up. He hated this feeling, though, knowing he had hurt Wells, not knowing if they would make it past this. It left him feeling hollow, like there was a deep emptiness in his chest and he couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t only the fact that this was his first serious relationship or that this was their first fight. It was the fact that he was so in love with Wells that anything that could come between them was agonizing.

Being pulled into an embrace by Wells comes a little as a surprise, but the moment they make contact, Gray doesn’t waste a moment before he’s clinging to his boyfriend, arm wrapped tight around him. It had been only a matter of hours, maybe the span of half a day and a whole night without being able to touch him. It had been the longest they’d gone without any physical contact since moving in together, if not longer. He missed him. Wells was right there and yet he had missed him, this, so much. His touch. His scent. The way his body felt against his. The sense of comfort and completeness. Gray shakes his head, trying to stop Wells from apologizing, but he’s unable to form words. His fingers wrap around Wells’ wrists as he reaches for his face, holding him close, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes as he lets the words sink in. We aren’t over. We’re gonna be okay. “I don’t know.” He manages after a moment, an effort to give Wells an answer though he didn’t have one. “I didn’t want to... fail you. We made plans.” His shoulders hunched a little, sad and embarrassed, and hurting. “I know.” He whispered, nodding, knowing how, if there was a next time, he would tell Wells everything. “I love you, too. I love you so much, Wells, it terrifies me how much I do. And you must know, I never meant to hurt you. I know I did, that doesn’t change things, but I need you to know, I’m not one bit ashamed of you, of us. I would shout it to the rooftops, just how much I love you, and I’m never holding back like that again.”

Kennedy-Haggan Family

     “ of course i came back , ” wells responds without hesitating . things with gray … he wanted their relationship to be a healthy one & if that meant swallowing his pride & having these conversations , he would . as long as he was sober , apparently . gray mentioning him not standing up for him , for them brings a sigh out of wells . they needed to talk about this , he reminds himself despite how hard of a conversation it was to have . “ i deserved a heads up , ” he says , simply . you … you shouldn’t have put that on me without any sort of warning , gray . i … i knew you were off , but i didn’t think - ” he cuts himself off , a hand running over his mouth so as to hush himself , it almost seemed like . his own breath catches in his throat at the question gray lays on him are we breaking up … it doesn’t sit right with wells & he hates that that’s where his boyfriends thinking lied . “ what ? no , gray . we aren’t breaking up … but i don’t like not being able to touch you , to hold you … you should’ve warned me . ” he leaves it as simple as that . that warning alone would’ve change the outcome of the evening . “ i expected more from you . ” wells utters , “ maybe i shouldn’t have - i know your relationship with your dad enough to know it’s not good , but … ” he huffs out a sigh , “ i didn’t expect to be introduced to him as your friend … i thought we were in agreement , in me meeting him as me , as what i am to you … i mean , i- did i miss something ? ” did he ? “ i thought - you wouldn’t have taken me if you weren’t okay with me meeting him … as exactly what i am - your boyfriend , it doesn’t even matter what he thinks , you know i don’t care … i just … ” wells trails off & lets out a sigh . “ i don’t know what i thought . ” 

Gray wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew Wells was angry, frustrated and hurt, and with all right, but when he didn’t answer his texts and was nowhere to be found near the apartment, he couldn’t shake away a sense of deja vu. They had been there before, not exactly the same, but Wells disappearing on him for a while. He didn’t want that again. They had promised each other they wouldn’t go to that again. They were living together. And yet, he couldn’t help but worry Wells would just go quiet on him. A fresh set of tears escaped him though he tried to stop them from falling, sniffing as he wiped them away with a nod. “I know.” Wells deserved more than a heads up. He shouldn’t have had to put up with any of it in the first place. It was his fault, bringing him into a situation he wasn’t ready to face himself, but he wanted to. Deep down, that was it. Gray wanted to bring him, to show him off, to make it clear: this is the man he loved. Yet he failed. “I know.” He repeats, accepting the blame, how Wells expected more of him. When Wells reassures him they aren’t breaking up, he turns his eyes back to his boyfriend, biting on his lip, fighting the urge to just close the space between them and touch him, pull him closer, anything. He needed to make sure he was there, he was real, he was his. He wanted to prove him how much he, too, hated not being able to hold him. 

“He knew, he knows. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t—” Gray didn’t really have a proper explanation or answer to Wells’ question. He didn’t really know what had gotten into him but it hadn’t been the first time either. He was never in his right set of mind whenever he was around his dad. “I don’t have the best relationship with my dad, or really, a relationship at all. I don’t know why I try, you know, to make him like me, accept me, and I really think I don’t care what he thinks at all but then, when I’m around him, I just... lose all control of me. It wasn’t you I was trying to hide. It was me. This. Who I am. It’s never good enough for him. But I’m done trying, Wells. I know it’s not going to fix things or change what happened or make you feel any better, but you? I can’t lose you. And I thought I did. And I— I can’t lose you, Wells.” Tears are escaping him as he speaks, stopping to catch his breath, voice slightly broken. “And I hate myself for hurting you... and I hate this.” Fighting. Not being able to touch him. Not being sure if he could or should even be near him, if Wells even wanted him around. He just moved a hand between them, hoping that explained it all. “I’m sorry.” He adds, wiping his tears, voice quiet as he moves his eyes back to look at his hands on the table.

     the response he gets only makes his chest ache even more . it was easy to assume that gray didn’t get a good sleep , that he might’ve been up all night , tossing & turning , restless even . because if the roles were reversed , wells knew he a sound sleep was out of the question for him . he didn’t doubt that gray loves him , not one bit , so now that he slept off the foggy haze the alcohol provided , he could react without being such an asshole . he could be , but his relationship with gray was way too important for him to make things worse than they were already . not to mention the fact that seeing his boyfriend in the state he was in really did tug at his heart strings despite the hurt from last night - he wanted them to be passed this . glasses set on the coffee table , wells leans forward , elbows on his knees & it’s right then he regrets not having taken something for his headache already . he was way too concerned with trying to talk to gray than taking something for his head . he sits there for a moment before he lifts his green gaze to look at gray again , “ i don’t want you to leave . ” they needed to talk about it , not have more space . sleeping without gray for one night was enough . “ i … shouldn’t have said that to you last night , i’m sorry . i shouldn’t have stayed out all night either . ” granted , he knew he couldn’t be home simply because he knew he’d have really picked a fight . “ i- uhm … you really upset me last night , gray . i don’t like it … being treated like your friend , we aren’t just friends & … i don’t think we should leave when we argue like that , but after … ” he trails off . he knows he doesn’t have to recount what was or wasn’t said last night . “ i needed the space . ”

“I’m sorry.” Gray could say it over and over again til the end of time and he knew it wouldn’t be enough, but he had to try. He knew he had hurt Wells, that he had disappointed him. The worst part of it was, he had failed the man he loved the most for the man who should love him the most but didn’t. Gray knew his own relationship and traumas with his father were not worth losing Wells over, and he really thought he was past it all, until he had to face the man and all his friends and found himself feeling like shit all over again. Last time he had to deal with it, it was his dad’s birthday and he came back to Wells’ apartment in a very different kind of drunk state than his boyfriend did last night. That night, his father’s only casualty had been himself whereas, yesterday, it had been both of them. Gray was supposed to shield Wells from it, like the architect had over Thanksgiving at his, but he had not been able to rise to the occasion, not until it was too late. Even if he was able to see all of it now, it didn’t matter. It was all an excuse and nothing he could take back to take Wells pain away. He watched Wells sitting beside him though there was still a good, safe space between them. He still ached to reach him, to hold him, to run his fingers through his hair and kiss the headache away, but there was nothing he could do. 

“I didn’t think you’d come back.” The actor said after a moment, looking into his hands, trying to stop his fingers from fidgeting nervously as his grip tightened on the coffee mug. All night, all those unread texts, all Gray could think was Wells wasn’t coming back home. To him. Like those many months ago, he was so scared he wouldn’t hear back from Wells. “I’m sorry I upset you. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you, us. I know I deserved you being angry at me last night. I just—wasn’t sure where you were or if you were okay or if you’d come back, and I hated that.” Because in the end, that’s really what kept him up all night, what scared him the most. Everything else, Gray could take it. He’d face whatever was coming his way as long as it meant Wells was there. He went quiet for a moment, pressing his lips together, slowly turning to look back at Wells, his words catching at his throat. “Are we breaking up?”

     wells isn’t shy about rolling his eyes when gray responds . he was drunk & picking a fight , but thankfully , he was also to the point where sleep was inevitable . there was no more fighting it . he spent the past few hours downing drinks & it’s caught up with him . in the back of his mind , he’s glad for that , he’s glad he stayed away like he did because deep down , he didn’t want to fight like that with gray . “ what a 4th of july , ” the sarcasm is hot on his tongue as he grabs the blanket he conveniently leaves on the couch for when they were lounging around … never so he can spend the night in the living room . first times for everything , apparently . he lays down & throws the blanket over himself & he notices gray’s disappeared . he lets out another heavy sigh - his mind going through the ringer , still . even as drunk as he was , he was still somehow conscious of how much this all just … really sucked . past the hurt he felt , he didn’t want to fight with gray , despite the drunken , sharp words that left his mouth already . green eyes watch as gray reappears with a glass of water , setting it on the coffee table , not daring to get too close to him . the apology is heard , but it isn’t really received , not right now . wells just looks up at the ceiling before he turns over on his side … falling into a deep sleep rather quickly . 

     when he does wake up , wells’ head is throbbing - for a moment , he can’t think of anything else but that . it takes a couple of seconds , but memories of the night before settle & he just groans to himself . he felt like shit in more ways than one . he lays there , eyes closed for a couple of minutes , a hand running through his hair as he sighs to himself . he didn’t want to face gray yet though he knew it was inevitable . it was their first fight , the first time they slept apart since wells moved in , the first time gray was on the receiving end of that side of him . they’d get past it , he knew that , but that never made talking about it all easy . he lays there for a few minutes before he starts feeling nauseous & he has to get up . so he does , he rolls over , moves slowly , but manages to make his way to the bathroom . he passes gray along the way , but he doesn’t look at him , not yet . as he washes up in the bathroom in their bedroom , he reminds himself that gray hasn’t really … done this before - the serious relationship thing which also meant the arguments & talks after that could come with commitment like this . he washes his face & looks at himself in the mirror . he had bags under his eyes , his hair was a mess … he opts for a shower then . 

     head is still pounding ( it probably would be all day ) , he already knew . he drank way too much last night - it’d been a while since he’d been hungover like this , since he drank as much as he did last night . sweats & a hoodie is what wells grabs to change into after his shower because he planned on doing absolutely nothing today . nothing but recovering from this hangover . wells walks out to the kitchen because he needs water & coffee , but first … water & lots of it . he downs a couple of glasses in the kitchen , leaning against the counter as he thinks about how to approach gray . considering gray’s lack of experience in relationships , wells wanted to be the first time break the ice this morning … he owed his boyfriend that for how he acted when he got home . he was fucked up last night , but he remembered coming home & he definitely remembered what he said to him . their interaction last night was brief , but not brief enough . “ did you … get some sleep ? ” he asks gray when he comes out of the kitchen , to the living room with a glass of water in one hand & his coffee in the other . his emotions were still on a high - he was still upset & hurt by what went down at gray’s dad’s party , but at the end of the day , he loves gray … talking it out was their only option . it takes a moment , but he looks over at gray then for an answer , finally looking at him & his heart aches at the sight . he can tell that he’d likely been crying , that this argument affected him in the same ways it did him , if not more so .

Gray had barely been able to sleep all night even after Wells came home and he retreated back to his room. His bed felt so much bigger without Wells in it, colder too. When he did fall asleep, it was a restless sleep, tossing and turning, fighting with the sheets, watching morning break through his windows. He didn’t know what to expect and he was scared to step out of his room. Maybe, if he stayed in, he didn’t have to face whatever was waiting for him out there. He did, eventually, drag his feet to the shower, finding mild relief under the hot jets, a fresh set of tears mixing with the water before he reached for his towel and changed. Every movement felt like in slow motion. He took his time, his entire body aching as though he had been in an intensive workout the previous day and he was now sore all over, but the worst part was, his chest burned in a way he didn’t know how to explain or had ever experience before. When he finally does step out of his room, he makes sure his feet are as light and quiet as possible. 

Wells was still on the couch exactly how he had left him the previous night, his back towards him, probably not wanting to see him or talk to him at all either. The image hurt him, especially because he wanted nothing but to reach out and he felt like he couldn’t, or shouldn’t. With a sigh, he just turned and went to the kitchen, conscious that he hadn’t had anything to eat in a very long time and not one bit hungry still but needing a distraction. He set their Nespresso machine to start the coffee and opted to fix himself a sandwich he stole a few bites of by the time he heard rushing steps and the bathroom door shut close. He felt sick to his stomach with anticipation but still he didn’t dare move or make another sound, wiping a lone, stray tear with the back of his hand. He was tired, and he thought maybe he’d leave to give Wells some space, but he stayed. He stayed because Wells had come home, after all, and he owed him that much. He would face whatever came next.

“Some.” Gray watched his boyfriend carefully come into the room and it took him a moment to register he had asked him a question before he was able to answer. He was expecting a harsher tone, the cutting sarcasm from the previous night. He wasn’t sure what to make of this, but it was a relief nonetheless. He took in Wells’ shape this morning, the wet hair, the water and coffee on each hand. He had heard him run to the bathroom. That was probably a good thing, too, probably made the whole hangover feel a bit lighter now though still bad, by the looks of it. He didn’t ask, though, but instead pushed the plate with his half-eaten sandwich away from him on the table. “Not much.” He added after perhaps a beat too long, shrugging, moving his eyes to his hands wrapped around his coffee mug. “I’m trying to figure out where we stand. If you want me to leave, I’ll give you some space. I rather do that than hear you say you don’t want to talk to me again. I know I fucked up and I probably deserved that and more, but if you’d rather be alone, just tell me. I’ll understand.”

     wells was so out of it that he hadn’t even heard gray coming down the hall before speaking up , that’s when he just lets out a heavy sigh . it was stupid to think gray was sleeping   wells should’ve known better than that , to think that his boyfriend would be sound sleep in bed & he could just sneak in & make it to the couch . he doesn’t respond to him , he doesn’t even look up at him yet . hands run down his face as he lets out another sigh . he was so tired . the weight of the evening , his emotions , the alcohol   it was exhausting now that a few hours had passed . did he trust himself , drunk , to talk about things with gray ? not at all . emotions were still on a high & his mind was way altered . though he also didnt trust himself to not say something either . he couldn’t focus on one thing , when he walked he felt like the room was spinning & he still saw double   he needed to sleep this off . he needed to get passed gray & to that couch . 

     “ fuck , ” he utters to himself & when gray pleads with him to talk to him , he finally looks up at his boyfriend . “ i need to go to sleep . ” he finally says , words slurred & he can’t even focus on the actor either just because of how fucked his vision was right now , he kept trying to blink it away , but it didn’t work . he kicks into gear a moment later , moving to stand which was much more of a struggle than it should be , but he manages on his own . hand on the wall to steady himself , wells makes his way down the hall . “ i don’t want to talk to you right now , ” he gets out , the words audible enough , he hopes . he didn’t have it in him to repeat himself . he needed water , it’d do him some good , he knows , but he can’t make it to the kitchen himself & he wasn’t going to ask gray to get it for him either . when he gets to the living room , he starts unbuttoning his shirt , “ did you have fun   at the party ? ” there it is , he thinks to himself when he speaks up despite his previous statement , without looking at gray . drunk wells could be a bit petty , a bit argumentative when he was upset . he tosses his shirt to the floor & then he gets his pants off , too   that’s when he struggles . “ i mean , surely you still had a good time without your friend there . ” he says when leans against the arm of the couch to get his pants off . & it’s when he finally gets them off that he looks at gray again .

It hurts to see Wells like this, especially knowing it was his doing, but it’s worse when the first words out of the architect’s mouth are I don’t want to talk to you right now. Even if he was expecting it, nothing could’ve really prepared him for the sinking feeling it brought. If he had any intention of going against his better judgement and reaching out to help Wells back on his feet, to make sure he truly was okay, the words that followed made him wince away. Yet he just stands there, half paralyzed in place, watching his boyfriend—hoping they were still so, struggle his way to the sofa. He can feel the hot tears falling slowly down his cheeks but he’s too numb to wipe them away, his arms still wrapped around his torso as if that would help shield him from the pain or provide the support he needed as not to give up completely. 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.” The actor says after a moment, the sharpness of Wells words still settling on him. Sure, Wells was drunk, and hurt, and Gray probably deserved every last bit of it, but it was still hard to stand there and take it when he, too, was hurting. He had been just about to leave him be, too, but as Wells eyes finally met his, he stopped on his tracks. “You may be drunk and angry at me but you know the answer to that already, Wells.” His voice caught half way through the words, swallowing before he was able to continue. He didn’t want to fight. He didn’t think he had it in him. He didn’t even feel like he had any right to put up any type of self defense. He’d just stand there and take it, blow after blow, but it still hurt. It would hurt whether he did or not. It already did. He wasn’t familiar with this side of Wells, and he never thought he’d be on the receiving end of it, either, but he earned it. He failed him. He broke his promise. He let Wells down. There wasn’t really much Wells could do or say to him right now that would make him feel worse that he already was knowing what he had done. Besides, Wells was drunk in a way he had never seen before. He couldn’t hold it against him. At least he came home, he kept thinking over and over again. For however long that is. Without saying much of another word, he disappeared into the kitchen, took a deep breath, filled a glass of water for Wells and made his way back to the living room, quietly placing the glass on the coffee table by the couch while still keeping a good distance. His arms dropped to his sides, chills running down his entire body as though he was suffering from a fever or a bad cold. “For what matters, I’m really fucking sorry, Wells.” He said weakly, not because of the lack of meaning and intent in his words but because his body was caving.  

     in a way , wells felt as thought maybe he was overexaggerating a little bit , but on the other hand , he didn’t have to be so blindsided by the way gray was acting at the party . a part of him knew things would be a bit off with gray considering his relationship with his father . it was rough already . more so than wells’ with his own father although that wasn’t exactly the best of relationships either & his father wasn’t james   the older man had the kind of face you just expected the worst from . on the drive to westlight , wells thinks about thanksgiving at his place before he & wells were even an official thing . his father about to start his shit , but wells wasn’t having it … & then tonight , gray didn’t bother making a stand for them , for him . it hurt . it hurt after all this time , everything they’ve been through to suddenly be referred to as gray’s ‘ friend ’ even if wells knew it wasn’t true . the expectations of the night were far too high … maybe it was his fault for not talking to gray about it prior to their arrival   his boyfriend was off even on the drive there . obviously , there were mistakes from both ends , but as the night continued & eventually escalated , alcohol was consumed & gray avoiding his touch , his embrace & even standing too close to him … that really hit a nerve . wells didn’t like it . he didn’t like it at all . 

     westlight is busy as hell tonight , but wells couldn’t care less . he doesn’t meet anyone’s eye as he makes his way through the crowd , finding a place to settle at the corner or their rooftop bar with a whiskey in hand . as if he needed more to drink … he wasn’t driving anyways & frankly tonight , he needed it . with no recollection of how many he had at the party , wells sits & wallows over a good 3 more drinks . he is drunk when he turns his phone back on & orders an uber .it’s only then he realizes that the bars were closing in only 40 minutes … he didn’t know how long he’d been here , when he left the party . it was time to go home though . as upset as he was with gray at the moment , there was no question that he’d return home at the end of the night   he just needed some time . the texts start coming in & wells just sighs heavily at the sight of them ; he doesn’t read them right now , he just shoves his phone back in his pocket & waits for his uber to arrive while he sips on his last drink of the night . he’s tempted to get another drink , but his uber arrives & he drops a $50 on the bar before he leaves & stumbles his way to his ride .

     slouched in the back seat , wells watches the street lights as they pass . he’s still upset . he’s still hurt . they needed to talk , but tonight , he couldn’t do that . not while he was as drunk as he was   he’d only get more upset , he already knew . he tosses a tip over the seat before he gets out of the car & when he does , he stumbles . “ shit , i’m alright ” he tells the driver when he asked if he was okay . the words are slurred , but audible . he walks ( not in a straight line ) to the entrance of the building & he has to take a moment , leaning against the wall to rub his eyes & run a hand through his hair . he was so drunk , he wanted to be in bed , but also didn’t want to deal with what waited for him upstairs . he pulls his phone out & he’s seeing double . he tries to blink it away , but that doesn’t work . “ fuuuuck , ” he mumbles & manages to get his phone back in his pocket & make his way to the elevator , up to their apartment . at the door , he takes a breath , keys out & trying to find the right one . it takes him a second , but he manages before he stumbles inside . he looses his balance only to catch himself on the wall with a dull thump , “ shhhh , shit . ” he huffs out   he didn’t want to wake gray , if he were sleeping . he just wanted to slip inside & crash . he turns on the hall light to light his way ( he needed it ) to the living room . it looks like a long trek when he was seeing double like he was . he shuts & locks the door before he’s yanking off his jacket & then he starts on his shoes one by one , taking a lot longer than normal on each one . it’s when he’s taking off his second shoe that he stumbles again , barely catching himself on the wall where he just decides to slide down until he’s sitting on the floor . eyes shut , hands come up to run through his hair , cradling the back of his head & he just takes a breath   there was so much on his mind & he needed a moment before making the trek to the couch .

I fucked up I just need to know you’re okay Wells  Please, answer me. I love you.

Gray wasn’t really sure how or when he managed to go from the window in his room to the living room, probably in a last effort to stay awake hoping Wells would come home, would answer his texts, but there was no sign of him for hours. His eyes were swollen and red rimmed from the tears, his cheeks flushed, his chest sore. He was experiencing a kind of pain and helplessness that was all new and so very terrifying. He kept replaying the events of the day, even before their arrival at his dad’s summer house, and how he would’ve done everything so differently, but he couldn’t turn back time and he couldn’t take back what he had done, what he had said, or didn’t say. He felt like an idiot. He felt so lost.

The sound of the door woke him. Gray wasn’t fully asleep when he heard the thumb and the faint shush and Wells’ voice. He sits up on the couch, unmoving, heart skipping a beat. He had given up the hope of Wells coming back, coming home. He’d understand, too, if that was his decision. Yet even as surprised and momentarily relieved as he was when he heard his boyfriend return, he knew he was probably not someone Wells particularly wanted to deal with, now or, maybe ever. He waited, trying to follow the sound of the steps. He hears as each show drops to the floor and he’s no longer sure if Wells is moving at all. It wasn’t such a long hallway, he thought, as the minutes passed, so when he realizes there’s no more movement in his direction, he stands up and walks quietly towards the entrance. The sight breaks him, but just knowing Wells was there was still better than not at all, even in this state. His back against the wall, legs spread before him, cradling the back of his head. 

Gray leans carefully against the opposite end of the hall, arms crossed over his chest not because he was angry or upset but because he needed the comfort. He had to fight getting any closer, his voice hoarse, broken. “I didn’t think you were coming.” Gray isn’t even sure if Wells is listening, or if he cared, but he’s still processing that he was there. Still strings pull at his heart. He had never seen Wells like this. He hated knowing it was him who drove his boyfriend to this. He hated the fact that he hurt him because that’s the last thing he ever wanted to do, the one thing he swore he’d never do. “Do you want me to get you some water? Or do you want me to leave you alone?” It was heartbreaking to ask. It was even worse to think maybe, come morning, all they had built could be gone. Another rush of tears escaped his tired eyes, biting his lip as he just stood there, taking Wells in. God, please don’t let this be the end of it. “Babe, please talk to me. Say anything.”

     when gray doesn’t lean into his touch , but rather he just moves to stand in front of him that really seems to set wells off . he turns away from gray because he didn’t want to look at him right now . “ yeah , i guess we did … we really fucking did . ” gray hadn’t talked to him about how he felt coming here tonight , if he knew this was how it was going to be , they could’ve attended any of the other parties they were invited to . instead , they’re having a shitty night & gray was acting like they weren’t lovers , but something as simple as friends . maybe not being caught so off guard by gray’s behavior would’ve made it all sting less . instead , there was no warning other than the tense drive here which still wasn’t entirely telling   wells still hadn’t thought that gray would step away from his touch . he didn’t think he wouldn’t be introduced as exactly what he is to him , his boyfriend . 

     green eyes watch the group of people approaching them & he knows who it is coming their way . or well , he knows of gray’s dad , but he had no idea who the hell was with him & frankly , at this point in time , he didn’t care . meeting james tonight already felt … wrong . if the way their night was going already was anything to go by , he knew this wasn’t going to go well . he hears james introduce him as gray’s friend , but it doesn’t really sink in until he hears gray go along with it . his heart sinks , but he can’t say that he’s all that surprised considering he couldn’t lay a finger on gray without him brushing his touch off or moving to stand out of his reach . his heart sinks , but he’s also suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of frustration & hurt . he’s caught up in the moment though & he doesn’t even bring himself to smile when he shakes the other’s hand & gray’s father . he was too upset . he waits a second , but once the couple starts making small talk , wells can’t take it , he doesn’t want to pretend any longer & he needed to get out of there . “ gray’s friend needs another drink … if you’ll excuse me . ” he doesn’t wait to get any sort of approval if one was needed , he just turns & walks away . as much as he wants to , he doesn’t look back at gray , he knows he isn’t following him anyways . he was his ‘ friend ’ tonight , apparently & he wasn’t okay with that . thankfully , on his way out , he passes a waitress with drinks twice . the first time , he snags a drink & gulps it down without hesitating & just before he’s out the door , he grabs one for the road . when things weren’t looking good , he ordered an uber for himself & now , he was damn glad that he thought ahead . 

     drink in hand , wells tracks down his ride & there’s no hesitation to get in . it isn’t until he’s in the car that he does look back … he wants to see gray there , coming after him , but there’s no one . “ westlight , in brooklyn . ” it wasn’t somewhere he frequented , but that was the point . he didn’t want to be found tonight , not right now . he was going to go home , but after how the night played out , he needed another drink & to be alone . right away , wells pulls his phone out of his pocket only to turn it off . he didn’t want to get texts or calls from gray or vicky , or anyone else tonight . 

Vicky had given up asking questions quickly into the drive back to the city as she could not only see but feel her twin brother’s desperation. She wanted to say something, do something, but she was also aware there was nothing she could offer Gray that could make him feel better at that point. He kept staring at his phone, hand trembling, but the messages went unread. He expected that much, even coming home to an empty apartment. He just probably needs some time, but he’ll be back, Vicky reassured him and had even stayed with him for a while. Gray was so uneasy, heartbroken, scared. He had tried so hard for so long to prove something to his dad, to himself, but in truth, he was still to this day trying to impress him, aching for his acceptance, so badly he may have just gone and lost the one person that mattered the most to him at that moment. All his feelings for Wells were so new, so overpowering. He loved the architect with his entire being, his soul and body. He couldn’t ever really describe it or make it justice, and yet today, he failed him. He wished he could take it all back. He wished he could’ve acted differently. He wished none of it had never happened. But there he was. Middle of the night, already losing counts of all the texts he had sent Wells that had gone unanswered, sitting by one of the windowsills with tears both old and new, nonstop, falling down his face, not even sure of the time it was, not even sure if Wells was ever coming back.

     4th of july had been much anticipated   it was a holiday that wells normally had a lot of fun on & this was his first with gray , spending it with him , at his dads party . he wasn’t quite sure what to expect from it . he knew things with gray & his dad were strained , but it was something that gray didn’t talk too much about , & frankly , wells didn’t ask . which is why he doesn’t ask too many questions on the drive there despite the tension he noticed , that he tried to ease away with gentle rub along gray’s back & neck . at the party , wells expected … more , from gray . they’d been together for a while now , lived together for a while now , too   being introduced as just ‘ wells ’ was sort of a let down . not sort of , it was . gray was tense , he knew that , but even as he reached out to offer some comfort or just for the physical contact that he craved day in & day out , he can’t help but notice how gray isn’t very receptive to his touch . the hurt is almost immediate . he notices the difference & he doesn’t like it . 

     they’re eventually alone & he still feels as though gray was keeping some sort of distance from him , a kind of distance that hadn’t ever existed between them . he already has a drink when gray steals one off the waitress , he’s had a few already. he reaches out , a hand lifting to make contact with gray’s middle back because he still longed for it , his lovers touch & despite the distance he felt tonight , he still tried . “ we do love an open bar , ”  his reply is a bit dull , but he tries again & pulls gray a bit closer to him because that’d help … that always seemed to help   them just being together , close . “ we did come here for a reason , ” it was his dad’s party wells had yet to meet him … it was about time that changed , wells thought they were in agreement on that . he looks at gray , watches him for a moment ( he was doing that often , just because things tonight were so … off ) & he wants to ask if he’s okay , but he’s already irritated & he knows gray won’t tell him much right now . besides , gray’s words don’t have the usual affect on him , instead … he finds himself getting upset . “ if i didn’t know any better , i’d say you’re using that as an excuse to dip out early & that’s pretty fucking shitty , gray . ” the alcohol definitely allowed the words to tumble out a bit more freely , to make his irritation known , but he meant them . it sucked , feeling that way , but at the moment , it was very much his reality .

      the interruption is immediate , they don’t get to exchange much more words when there’s a burst of laughter from a group of people not too far from them . that seemed to always be the host of the party making their way through the crowd of their guests .  “ must be the man of the hour . ” wells doesn’t know how to feel about meeting gray’s father now . how he felt about being here tonight , even . “ great timing . ” he utters mostly to himself & into his drink before he downs what was left of it . 

The only reason Gray missed the cues of Wells’ discontent was because he was dealing with his own series of traumas to notice how his own behavior was affecting his boyfriend. His father’s 4th of July party was just another show of power for the politician, a huge gathering of big names and money where he could just reinforce his own position, including that of his parental figure in his children’s life. Gray would’ve preferred spending the holiday anywhere but here, but he had also been pushing introducing Wells to his dad officially and he knew, once the invitation got home, he couldn’t find a good enough excuse to set that back another few weeks until the next big event. He would’ve kept Wells far away from his father if he could, forever, but now here they were and the moment the architect snaps at him, he knows he’s made a mistake. Or plenty. 

Downing his drink in one gulp, he starts the second he had grabbed for his boyfriend after realizing Wells already had a drink of his own. “Maybe we just made a mistake by coming here in the first place.” He blurts, mostly the alcohol speaking, turning to stand straighter facing his boyfriend instead of leaning into this touch or giving in to Wells’ efforts of pulling him in, closer. He was unconsciously trying to put distance between them, not because he was ashamed of Wells or their relationship, but because he was trying to protect him, and their relationship. He may have not done it the right way, but his intention was pure. The room was full of vultures, old men who wanted nothing more than to deny their existence and make their life a living hell simply for being who they were. He had to live with that but Wells didn’t. Wells shouldn’t. But it was too late now, the commotion brewing around them enough to let him know there was just no going back. “Perfect timing.” Gray speaks, downing the second drink in one gulp as his father approaches, a Senator beside him and his wife, the couple smiling eager to meet James Haggan’s son though his father bore no indication of looking forward to see him, just the same ol’ look of disappointment on his face he was so used to now. 

This is my son, Grayson, and his... friend? James starts, the couple extending their hands to shake in greeting. “My friend... Wells. Wells Campbell.” It slipped him that he had used his father’s words to introduce him, again, instead of correcting the man. My boyfriend, he meant to say, but he had failed, again, to make that correction. Gray felt Wells’ presence beside him though he was avoiding his boyfriend’s gaze. The tension between them had suddenly escalated even without him looking his way, turning to face his father who, in all his subtleness, held the tiniest hint of a smirk on his face he knew all too well as he realized what had just happened. James had quickly offered his hand to Wells as if he didn’t know the truth, but he did. Despite Gray’s slip, he knew Wells was his boyfriend despite his own disapproval. “Fuck.” He cursed under his breath, the couple trying to make small talk with them now but he couldn’t concentrate. One look at Wells and he knew. He had fucked up. Big time. He had fallen into his dad’s trap and he had failed Wells. And for what? He saw it coming before Wells even said it, excusing himself and Gray was frozen in place for a moment, because he was still trying to process it all. His heart sunk. 

The couple kept talking but he couldn’t hear them, his ears ringing, and his dad would not stop staring at him as if daring him to do something to call any attention or embarrass him any further. Wells could feel his ears burning, his neck, his eyes, stinging with angry tears. At his dad. At himself. He tried to stay in place and play the part but he couldn’t, breaking his stance as he handed his dad his empty glass. “You know he’s the fucking love of my life and I may just had fucked it all up to please you, which is stupid because there’s no pleasing you, ever, and to be honest? It’s not even worth it.” The couple looked taken aback, the woman even brought a hand to her chest. His father, however, remained unfazed. Gray shook his head before turning around. “Thanks, dad, but this is the last time I let you ruin anything in my life. I hope you’re happy.”

Gray had developed a stress rash the day of the Fourth of July weekend celebration at his dad’s in the Hamptons. He was anxious and jittery the entire car ride there, a little quieter than usual, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt where the fabric met the skin and a mild case of hives had erupted. Things would’ve been better if Vicky hadn’t said she was running late. He could always manage his father better when his twin sister was around to help deviate the attention from their old man. Gray didn’t have grounds to get angry at her for this sudden change of plans but it had also thrown him off, even as he tried to remain cool for Wells’ sake. It was the first time his boyfriend was meeting his father, and the first time he introduced any partner of his to James Haggan. He needed it to be perfect. Not for him, but for Wells. He needed to shield him from his dad’s cruelty but he couldn’t even shield himself.

A few drinks in and small talk here and there as he moved around introducing him to family friends and extended family members, Gray felt like he finally had this down. His father had yet to make an appearance but, to be fair, he wouldn’t mind it much if he never did. He wasn’t really conscious about the change in his demeanor because it was so normal for him to feel this uneasy in this kind of event that he didn’t realize, despite being so eager to introduce Wells, and so happy to have him right there beside him, he had been keeping some sort of distance. Just as his entire posture felt more rigid, he had been refraining from too much PDA which was so uncharacteristic of him, of them. Reaching out immediately to steal a drink from a catering server’s tray as she walked by, turned to Wells. “At least the drinks are free, huh?” It had been the first time they found each other alone in a bit and he was already much more relaxed, sighing quietly as he gave his boyfriend an apologetic look. It’s broken by his itching around his neck, which he tries to ignore but absentmindedly reaches to scratch the spot. “I know we came here for a reason but it’s taking every bit of strength I have left not to ditch this place with you right now. I mean, look at you.” To be fair, Wells did look good. Too good. Then again, Gray was biased. But he was also right.