I’m currently pregnant with a very unwanted pregnancy and I thought I was pro life but tbh I want to get an abortion. I’m really hoping for a miscarriage because that resolves things without me having to do a murder (and I do think it’s murder but I don’t care. I’m super early on so it doesn’t even have a heartbeat yet.) It’s especially infuriating because the only reason I’m pregnant is because my husband is Catholic and it’s always a fight to use condoms. Yes, I’m aware of FAM and we use one, but a “birth control” method requires not having sex >50% of the time isn’t real birth control. (So here’s one possible abortion that just fucking using birth control could have prevented, contrary to bullshit anti contraception views from religious people.) (As a side note, we conceived on a day that Billings would have definitely considered infertile, and Billings would say that I’m not ovulating at all because of my CM pattern, so if you’re very strongly avoiding pregnancy I’d recommend a different FAM or at least adding BBT.)
Anyway. I really do hope this thing dies even if I don’t go out and kill it myself but the only people I know would either be horrified that I want this thing dead or extremely confused as to why I wouldn’t just get an abortion if I don’t want it. But all of the things short of direct abortion that might increase the risk of miscarriage can also just lead to birth defects and I want a fucked up baby even less than I want a regular baby.
Please don’t try to recommending “connecting emotionally” with the pregnancy or whatever. I would literally rather die than have the mommy brain that infects most women who have kids. Best case scenario is miscarriage and if I don’t get an abortion I’ll probably just ditch it with my husband if he wants a baby so damn bad.
Congratulations on the baby. Condolences on the motherhood. It fucking sucks to be in an unwanted pregnancy. Out of curiosity, why don't you want to be pregnant/to parent this kid? It seems like you feel trapped — like "an animal, caught in a trap, wants to gnaw off its own leg." I understand hoping for a miscarriage, that's a pretty normal reaction imo.
Tbh, if you're not open to children and your husband is, and you also want to use contraception and your husband doesn't, that sounds like a pretty fundamental incompatibility. It's not that I think either of you are wrong — you have the right to your bodily autonomy, and he has the right to his religious views. But if that misalignment of values is putting you in a position where you're literally considering killing someone, then I don't think this relationship is working. You should probably end things with him so you don't end up here again. And yeah, you don't have to be in your baby's life, but that's a little shitty as it will leave them traumatized. But if you can live with yourself causing abandonment wounds in a child, then no one can force you to parent them.
Sorry the Billings Method didn't help you here. To be fair, I've known people who have done other FAM/NFP and BBT and still they randomly ovulated earlier than their typical patterns and got suprise pregnant. That's why these methods are considered "open to life" despite their acceptable effectiveness in preventing and timing pregnancy. If less than 99% effectiveness isn't acceptable to you because you're not open to life, then yeah, I would recommend contraception — even better with FAM on top.
Okay, it sounds like you've read some of my answers from other people in a similar position to you, and you don't want the same emotional advice. Ima be real with you, this is more than the vent I was expecting — you came into my inbox and told me that you're considering committing a human rights violation, which I take very seriously. So, let's review the facts rather than analyze our feelings.
I notice you referring to this tiny person as "this thing" and "it" and "the pregnancy". This dehumanizes them. According to the Stages of Genocide, "Dehumanization overcomes the normal human revulsion against murder." And it seems like your reason for perceiving this living being as subhuman or an object is because they don't have a heartbeat. Some other common reasons people see embryos this way is because of their temporary lack of cognitive sophistication (aka "consciousness") or their present biological simplicity.
Let's start with facts about heartbeats. If you're truly as early on as you say, then you're between 2 weeks LMP and 5 weeks LMP, or between 10 days fetal age and 21 days — the earliest a pregnancy can be detected and the start of the heartbeat. "The initiation of the first heart beat via the primitive heart tube begins at gestational day 22" (Source). Here's an embryo at 22 days since fertilization:
My question is, why does a heartbeat matter? Is an adult human who just went into cardiac arrest not a person? Does this mean at that moment they don't have human rights and they aren't entitled to us trying to save their life? Are humans who need machines to pump their hearts for them not people? Do humans stop being people in the middle of a heart transplant procedure? To me, heartbeat isn't relevant to personhood, because it can't be applied consistently. It's just an arbitrary biological marker.
But perhaps that's missing the point you're trying to make. Perhaps you're actually trying to say that before a heartbeat, it's obvious that an embryo isn't developed enough to even resemble you and I — they're more comparable to an amoeba. That's a eugenicist line of thinking, tbh. Here's what my mentor John Cavanaugh-O'Keefe has to say about it:
"According to [eugenicist ideology], life emerged from the slime and passed through various stages – one-celled creatures, amoeba, vertebrates, mammals, humanoids, blacks, then the pinnacle of development with whites. Similarly, an individual’s life goes through stages: zygote to blastocyst to embryo to fetus to baby to adult... An individual begins as something like an amoeba, nearly valueless, and develops gradually to an adult, with the value we give any human. That’s eugenics... that the rights of man are created and conferred by social consensus, at some arbitrary point between conception and birth, (rather than recognized by the fact of humanity,) is brought to us by eugenics."
But, you say, a being that doesn't even look human can't possibly matter as much as you and I. Well, first of all, embryos at the end of 6 weeks LMP — just 28 days gestation — have faces.
That looks like a shrimp alien, you say. Welp, I say. I guess we should just kill whoever you think is ugly.
Maybe this actually isn't your line of thinking. Perhaps you think embryos don't even have brains so they couldn't possibly be people. Look again at that 22 day embryo. See the neural fold an neuropores? Those mark the start of neurogenesis, when nerve cells and neurons begin to form. By 6 weeks LMP, an embryo has a primitive brain.
Perhaps, you're wondering, before a being is conscious, can you even do harm to them? To this I respond: you're probably wrong about what consciousness is and when it begins. Here's what I wrote in my book about it:
"What is a body-mind, anyhow? For Reber, Baluska, and Miller, “life and consciousness are coterminous.” According to their theory of the Cellular Basis of Consciousness, even cells – minimal units of life – have minimal consciousness. Dr. Thomas Verny wrote that “before the event of birth, before we have even had a glimmer of sight or sound in the womb, we record the experience and history of our lives in our cells,” and coined this process “bodywide memory”. As an embryo, intrauterine stressors upon your body sculpted the path to how your mind is now. Consider how every abortion risks the creation of a traumatized abortion survivor; even if the body isn’t harmed physically by an abortion, the stress still registers in the body-mind. Dr. Erik Erikson even theorized that people who struggle to implant in the womb experience the body memory as an innate sense of rejection... My sophisticated ability to think in predictions is contingent upon the rudimentary perceptiveability of my zygote, my bodywide memory. Its perceptions are continuous with my system."
Consciousness doesn't just turn on one day when certain synapses connect for the first time; it emerges from our early bodies.
Ultimately, it can't be our temporal and circumstantial capabilities at a particular moment that grants us full personhood and the equal right to freedom from violence that entails. That's an oppressive, ableist perspective that is readily manipulated to benefit the powerful capables by exploiting the vulnerable incapables. It has to be our active and inherent relation to our collective humanity that defines persons. Embryonic humans are attaining that humanity, which means they have that active and inherent relation, which means they are persons just like you and I.
So yeah, I've tried to provide you with some perspective here to see beyond your dismay. You get to decide what your values are here, what you care about, and what you can live with. If you can live with knowing your child was murdered, then unfortunately there are people who will gladly take your money to make that happen for you. But you can choose to be a different person: a person who protected a helpless, tiny person. It's your choice what kind of person you want to be here.
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