Down in a Rabbit Hole

Other people are not medicine.

Do not raise your children the way your parents raised you; they were born for a different time.

“I thought that was it for you, dude. Everything was perfect. Why did you leave?” My best friend turned to look at me.  I laughed a little as the cold water from the autumn’s ocean came up to greet my toes, almost inviting me in with the tide.  “Sometimes it’s not about leaving what is behind, but flirting with the mystery that the unpromised future holds. No one ever tells stories about the person who lived comfortably. No one ever tells stories about the perfect life.”

I know I need to stop thinking about you, but even my unconscious mind can’t stop dreaming about you. And I’ve tried to clean my thoughts, but the dusty remains of your existence are hidden between the crevices of my brain that are too small for my large hands to completely reach. And this is me trying to let you know that letting you go is not easy. And this is me trying to let you know that I miss you.

I haven’t heard your voice in 365 days, and it worries me when I can’t remember the soft inflections in your voice when you used to say my name. And for the record, I think about you every day. And you don’t just cross my mind, but you live there too.

Maybe it hurts because when we decided to abandon our love, we never had a formal goodbye. Instead, in the last memory of us that I have, her voice is screaming “I fucking hate you” at the top of her lungs and the line is going dead.

You are the only person who will not leave you. So choose yourself. Love yourself. Be happy.