kaleidoscope mind gets in the way

-

Sleep refused to settle. 

It came in short fragments. Never deep enough to hold, never long enough to bring rest. Each time Y/n drifted close, her mind yanked her back with sudden, violent images she couldn’t even recall once her eyes were open. 

She woke like that more than once, breath hitched, heart thudding so hard, she could feel it in her throat. Every time, she tried to reassure herself, it was nothing. Just her body refusing to stand down. Just a shit night.

It didn’t help.

Eventually, she stopped trying. 

She lay there listening to the quiet of the house, to the sounds of Jackson outside her window before dawn. The wind was moving through gaps in the windows, her fly screen downstairs was rattling and banging as it refused to close properly. The sky outside was still dark, the dark way before morning time. 

Even in an exhausted state, she managed to get dressed. She had a day to get through, not a very busy one, but she wasn’t planning to wallow in bed. 

Maybe a walk would help her, maybe if her body was as exhausted as her mind, she’d be able to sleep.

The door clicked softly shut behind her as Y/n stepped out into the early morning.

Jackson was still asleep. The sky overhead was muted dark blues and greys, the cold sharper too. Autumn had set in properly now. The wind slipped through the seams of her jacket and sand straight into her skin. 

She hugged herself tighter as she walked, shoulders brought to her ears, breath fogging faintly in front of her. Each step echoed just a little too loud against the packed dirt, the sound carrying through the deserted town. 

She didn’t have a destination in mind, but when the stables came into view, she knew her where to go.

Y/n picked up the pace slightly, staring at the building, the doors dark and closed, the smell of hay and animal musk wafting her way. 

She hesitated for only a second before pushing the door open. The warmth inside hit her immediately, a welcome contrast to the chill clinging to her bones. The low, familar sounds followed. Soft snorts, hooves shifting, the quiet rustle of movement in the stalls.

Her steps slowed as she moved through the rows, the dim light barely enough to see. Then she reached Kauri’s stall.

He lifted his head almost instantly, ears flicking forward, a soft huff escaping him in acknowledgement. She smiled, tension easing from her shoulders as she stepped closer.

“Couldn’t sleep either, hmm?” she whispered, resting her shoulder against the wood before slipping inside.

She reached out, burying her fingers into his mane, letting his warmth ground her in a way nothing else could. Y/n grabbed a brush from the hook next to her and latched the door behind her.

“Alright,” she murmured softly.

She started at Kauri’s shoulder, long and slow strokes, the bristles dragging through his coat. Dust and a few hairs lifted from his coat, catching in the faint light. Kauri shifted, relaxed, head lowering. 

Y/n smiled, the motion soothing her as well. There was no thinking required, just brushing. He would let out a quiet snort every now and then when she hit a spot he liked.

“Don’t get too used to this,” she whispered, though there was no real warning in her tone. “You’re spoiled enough as is.”

She continued to brush him for a little longer before putting down the brush, and just stroking him with her hands. 

“There we go, my darling…” she said, patting his shoulder. 

Kauri flicked his head, facing towards her, requesting for more pats. She chuckled and quickly obliged. 

“Alight, I’ll let you go back to sleeping.” She said, giving him one last pat.

Kauri huffed, nudging her shoulder with his nose.

She smiled, slipping out of the stall and latching it quietly behind her. “I’ll see you later, bub.”

The warmth of the stables clung to her as she stepped back out into the morning, door creaking shut behind her. Outside, the air hit colder than before, but the sky was lightening. 

Y/n shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and carried on with her walk. That was when she noticed movement. Another figure across the yard from her. Tall, broad shoulders. 

She slowed without meaning to, eyes tracking the silhouette as it passed beneath one of the street lights.

Joel Miller.

He moved with the same strong attitude she’d come to associate with him, his jacket thick on his body, fists closed. For a moment, he didn’t look her way at all, gaze fixed ahead. 

Then he slowed. It was subtle—barely more than a shift in his stride—but she noticed. His head turned just enough, eyes lifting, catching her shape in the dim light. 

That’s when he took a double-take. Recognition flickers across his face. 

He stopped. Not completely, more like stuttered. She replayed it in her head. The hitch in his step. The way his shoulders rose when he saw her. 

She became acutely aware of her own stillness then, how she hadn’t moved a muscle since she spotted him. Her fingers had curled into the fabric of her sleeves, nails pressing into her palms. 

The space between them grew tense, each of them holding their breath. Joel watched her, his eyes hard yet his expression unreadable. 

Y/n felt the urge to look away. Instead, a flicker of laughter and conversation flashed at the front of her mind. Her voice calling him boring and other ways to shit talk him. 

The guilt sat low and uncomfortably in her chest. 

He stood there now, real and solid in the thin morning light. Just a man awake too early, just like her. 

Great, she thought. Talk shit one night, run into him a few day later at the ass crack of dawn. 

So much for being alone before sunrise. 

Even after openly looking at each other, neither of them acknowledges this interaction, not out loud at least. Even if there was something for them to say, silence would remain, because clearly, that was the norm for them, established yesterday on the patrol. 

Joel was the first to move. He didn’t linger or wait for anything from her, but it was unlikely she would do anything anyway. He broke eye contact, resuming his path across the yard. 

No nod. No comment. 

The quiet closed in again as he walked off. Y/n let out a breath, shoulders dropping slightly. Whatever had hovered between them dissolved just as quickly as it had formed. 

And yet, as she watched him go, the weight of it stayed with her. The way he paused like that. Would he have done the same if it were anyone else, or was it simply the fact that there was another person out at this hour, she wasn’t sure. 

Y/n shook her head faintly, forcing her feet to move again. Whatever that was, it didn’t mean anything. Just a really weird morning for both of them. 

-

The dining hall buzzed with the low chatter of the morning. The smell of coffee and toasted bread wafts in the air. Y/n ended up taking another walk around Jackson before it was breakfast time and joined the line inside. She grabbed a plate, scooping food onto it, her appetite still asleep, as she should be. 

She was reaching for a piece of bread when someone slid in beside her, close enough that their shoulders brushed.

“Well,” Ruby’s voice started. “You look like shit.”

Y/n huffed a laugh, glancing sideways. “Well, fuck you too.”

Y/n had met Ruby not long after arriving in Jackson, both of them still figuring out how to exist in a place like this. It started when they’d both volunteered for work in the gardens. It was Ruby who started chatting first—that’s when they found out they grew up in the same town. 

After that, something clicked.

It was easier to talk to someone you’d basically grown up around. Someone who understood. Ruby grinned, already piling food onto her plate. “Rough night?”

“Something like that,” Y/n said, stepping to the next lot of food. “And where the fuck have you been?”

Ruby groaned. “I had such a shit patrol on monday. So many hunters! And then a bunch of infected came out of nowhere! We had to get sniffed down by the dogs and shit.”

Y/n clicked her tongue. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah, so I was sleeping the second I got home and rest the last two days.” Ruby stacked some more food on her plate. 

Y/n snorted. “Explains why you weren’t at Ruth’s birthday on tuesday.”

Ruby froze mid-scoop, spoon hovering over her plate.

“Fuck, you’re joking?” she snapped her head to Y/n.

Y/n shugged, shaking her head. “To be fair, Fernando only brought it up to me Monday night anyways.” 

Ruby groaned, stomping her foot. “I can’t believe this!” 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll forgive you,” Y/n said, nudging her lightly with her elbow.

“Still,” Ruby muttered. “Doesn’t mean it doens’t suck.”

Y/n hummed in agreement, as they shuffled forward. “It was pretty chill anyway. Food, couple drinks, friends and family. You would have complained about not liking the food anyways.” 

That earned a weak smile. “Yeah, probably.” 

They carried their plates through the crowded hall, weaving between benches and half-asleep early risers until they reached their usual table near the wall. 

Ruby dropped onto the table first, letting out a much needed sigh. Y/n sat across from her, finally taking a bite. For a few minutes, it was easy. Comfortable. Ruby launched into a rant about some guy she was on patrol with the other week when she was covering for someone. Y/n listened and smiling, chiming in when appropriate. 

She was mid-chew when her gaze drifted towards the front of the hall. Then she saw him. Again. 

Joel Miller stood in line near the serving tables, waiting his turn with the same patience he seemed to bring every with him. Beside him, the younger girl, Y/n was sure was Ellie, stood beside him. 

She leaned forward to get a peek at what was being served today, rocking from foot to foot, saying something under her breath that made Joel tilt his head just slightly toward her. Whatever she said, it earned a quiet response from him and she rolled her eyes dramatically in reply. 

Y/n’s fork paused halfway to her mouth. 

Of course, cause once this morning wasn’t enough. Of course, he was here, the man that hardly ate at the dining hall, as if Y/n wasn’t already feeling awkward enough about it all. 

Ruby was still talking. “—and then he has the nerve to say it was my fault—”

“Mhm,” Y/n murmured automatically, eyes still on Joel as he stepped forward in line, Ellie following close behind, already reaching for a plate before it was technically her turn. 

Joel took his food, shuffling down the line. Ellie nudged him with her elbow, talking again, and he gave a faint shake of his head, amused. Then they moved on, plates filled, attention already elsewhere. Y/n forced herself to look back down at her food, jaw tightening slightly. 

She felt kind of silly for being to awkward about it. There was no reason to be. 

It wasn’t like he’d done anything to make it strange. This was entirely on her. She was the one shit talking him the other night behind his back. A twist of guilt that came hadn’t been unexpected. And it’s not like he even knew either.

He didn’t give a fuck because to him, there was nothing to care about. On patrol, he’d spoke only when necessary, and even less than that. Whatever people said about him, he clearly wasn’t wasting energy worrying about what anyone though of him, so why would he now?

Ruby squinted at her. “You even listening?”

“Yeah,” Y/n said, a beat too late. “Sorry, go on.”

Ruby narrowed her eyes, clearly unconvinced. Y/n sighed, shoving another bite into her mouth like it might save her. “Ruby—”

—and then movement caught her eye.

A few tables down, Joel sat, plate set in front of him. Ellie dropped onto the table beside him, immediately talking. Joel responded with a quiet murmur. 

And unfortunately for Y/n, he sat directly in her line of sight. 

She stiffened before she could stop herself. Ruby followed her gaze, and she did not follow it subtly. 

She leaned back and twisted at the waist, fully turning around on her seat to stare. 

“Ruby!” Y/n said through gritted teeth. 

And that’s when Joel looked up. His gaze lifted, eyes landing right on her. Y/n’s stomach dropped.

“Oh my god,” she muttered, horror flooding her as she immediately ducked her head. She brought her hand up to her face, fingers pressing against her forehead as she stared down at her plate.

Ruby froze for a second before slowly turning back around, a grin spreading across her face.

“Ohhh,” Ruby whispered, delighted. “It’s him.”

Y/n groaned into her palm. “Girl, I swear to god.” 

“We are definitely going to talk about this!” Ruby laughed.

“Yeah, fine, just shut the fuck up!” Y/n kicked her under the table.

Y/n just tried her best to focus on her food in front of her. Surely, if she didn't look up this would pass. 

But she only had so much self-control. Y/n glanced up before she could stop herself.

Across the hall, Ellie was looking straight at her. Not a hint of subtlety either. Head tilted slightly, eyes burning into hers, making Y/n just about choke on her food. 

Probably didn’t help with the way Ruby kept looking back. 

“If you turn around one more time, I will shoot you,” Y/n looked back down at her food. 

Ruby rolled her eyes, facing forward again. Y/n could see just out of the corner of her eye, Ellie still looking. Then Ellie leaned sideways, saying something under her breath to Joel.

Y/n looked up slightly, not at them directly, more off to the side so she wouldn’t get caught, curious. He listened, faced Ellie slightly and murmured something back, and kept eating. 

It’s probably got nothing to do with me, she lied to herself. She didn’t believe that at all, but there was nothing she could do about it either. So she just bowed her head and finished eating.

-

Ruby didn’t even wait three steps outside the dining hall. 

“So,” she said lightly. “Joel.”

Y/n hugged her jacket closer, exhaling through her nose. “It’s so fucking stupid, there’s nothing to talk about anyway.” 

Ruby slowed and gave her an unimpressed look. “Bitch, that back in there wasn’t nothing.”

“Okay, then, just stupid.” Y/n slowed too, then kept walking. “He’s my new patrol partner.”

Ruby made an excited squealing noise. “And?”

Now that Y/n was vocalising her issues, she felt even more dumb. “...I was kinda shit talking him at Ruth’s birthday the other night, and now I feel bad.” 

Ruby stopped her giddiness. “Wait, what?”

“I was talking about how boring he was and stuff after the patrol.” Y/n shrugged. 

Ruby stared at her for half a second, then smacked Y/n upside the arm.

“Bitch! I thought you were crushing or something!” Ruby shouted. 

“Ow—what the fuck!” Y/n yelped, rubbing the spot.

“You made it seem like there was this whole thing going on and shit, but you’re just on about some guilty conscience!” 

“Well, fuck me!” Y/n yelled back defensively. 

“I thought he would!” 

That, in turn, earned her a smack. 

“Hey!” Ruby put her arms up in defence. “It’s not my fault I thought that!”

Y/n rolled her eyes, and Ruby continued. “Well…what happened then?”

Y/n sighed. “We went on patrol, and he didn’t speak the entire time. Nothing, silence. I already knew the route and everything else, so…we rode in silence for hours.” 

Ruby furrowed her brows, a look of confusion on her face. “Well, did you try talking?”

Y/n thought for a second. “Well…no.”

Ruby stopped walking. Boots planted in the ground. 

“You didn’t say anything?” Ruby asked slowly.

Y/n grimaced. “I mean…yeah, nah. He just took me through the run-downs on patrol and…nothing.” 

Ruby dragged a hand down her face. “Oh my god.” 

“What? He didn’t talk either!” Y/n threw her hands in the air.

“Yeah, but you didn’t even try! You’re so lame!” Ruby groaned. “And maybe he’s shy!”

“He’s a grown man! He doesn’t wanna be friends with me!” Y/n scoffed. 

“Well, did you ask?” 

“Why the fuck would I ask that!”

Ruby resumed walking, shaking her head. “You’re telling me you talked shit about him for being quiet, and you didn’t even attempt to fill the silence?”

“You know I’m awkward! Fuck, if you weren’t so cherry the first time I met you, we wouldn’t be friends!” Y/n waved her hands between the two of them.

Ruby snorted. “So why were you so bothered enough to tell everyone?”

“'Cause I’m an asshole, I don’t know?” She sighed. “You know when you’re at a party telling a story…and you just…exaggerate everything…I think it was that.” 

“Well, try asking questions, starting the conversation,” Ruby suggested. “Don’t be a loser then complain about it.”

“You know I hate that shit…I need someone to do it for me!” Y/n whined. 

Ruby shrugged. “Well…just don’t be a dick on your next patrol.” 

Y/n rolled her eyes. “What wonderful advice.” 

“Well, there’s nothing we can do now, is there? And besides, it’s not like you were shit talking him to him, so no biggie.” Ruby nudged her shoulder. 

Y/n huffed, but her mind was stuck. Back at Ruth’s birthday, even just around Jackson. How his name would come up in conversations, and the tone would shift. Lowered voices, knowing looks. He’s intense. He’s mean. Scares the shit outta people.

It was all…odd. Even the way his brother brought it up to her, he was on edge about it, too, but that could have just been the fact that he was asking her on such short notice. But it was still…odd.

Because none of it really lined up. 

The entire time she was on patrol with him, he wasn’t rude, he wasn’t aggressive or harsh. He was…quiet. So why did people think all these things? 

It could have been she had done nothing wrong, so there was nothing for him to comment on, nothing to nitpick. 

Y/n frowned, staring ahead as they walked. Maybe silence was enough for people to project whatever they wanted onto him. Maybe his blank space gave them something to fill in. 

She didn’t know.

She just knew that the man everyone whispered about didn’t quite match the one she’d ridden beside for hours. And that realisation sat heavily in her chest, awkward and unresolved.

They were still walking when a familiar voice cut in from behind them.

“Y/n.” 

She turned, already recognising who it was. Tommy jogged the last few steps to catch up, expression easy but clearly not here for a chat, like he’d been looking for her specifically. 

“Hey,” she said, slowing. “What’s up?”

He glanced between her and Ruby, then nodded his head slightly to the side. “You got a minute?”

Ruby’s eyebrows shot up. “Oooo, someone's in trouble~”

“Girl, piss off!” Y/n shoved Ruby, who just laughed as she walked away.

Y/n fell into step beside Tommy as they walked through the street. She stole a look at him, noting the way his jaw was set. 

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Just wanted to check in.  Talk about the other days patrol.”

There it was.

She nodded. “Okay..” 

Tommy slowed to a stop near the edge of the path, turning to face her fully now. His tone stayed calm, but there was something in his demenour that told her he was being careful. 

“Joel didn’t say much,” he said, looking off to the side. “But I didn’t expect much from him anyways. I just wanted to hear how it went—from you.”

Y/n hesitated for a second, then met his eyes. Whatever people thought about hsi brother, Tommy wanted to know from her. 

Y/n looked down and nodded. “It was fine.” She shrugged. “We had a couple runner, nothing bad.”

Tommy studied her face like he was looking for something else. “And Joel was…”

That’s what she was waiting for. “He was fine, no problem.”

That seemed to ease him. He nodded once. “Good.” 

There was a pause. The kind that suggested he had more to say. And for a brief moment, Y/n wondered if he was about to continue about Joel. Instead, he just gave a small smile.

“Alright,” he said. “That’s all I needed.” 

As he stepped back, Y/n stayed standing there with a strange feeling after it all. Ruby didn’t even pretend to wait.

The second Tommy walked off, she was already heading back over. “What was that about?”

Y/n sighed. “He was asking how patrol went…and how Joel was on patrol.” 

“And?” Ruby pressed.

“I told him the truth. It was fine.” She shrugged.

“Still,” Ruby added, “if Tommy’d checking in, that means there was a reason.” 

“Or he was asking cause it’s a new schedule, seeing if it’s fine.” Y/n said.

“Whatever.” Ruby laughed. 

But Y/n knew Ruby was right. There was definitely more to it, she just wasn’t sure what.

“Anyways,” Ruby said, bumping her shoulder, slowing down. “I gotta go help with repairing the west fence. Tommy’s got me, Karol and Jesse roped into it.”

Y/n chuckled. “Exciting,” she said sarcastically. 

“Totally,” Ruby replied, equally as sarcastic. “And if I don’t show, he’ll definitely come find me.” 

“Tragic,” She waved her off. “I’ll see you at dinner, yeah?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Ruby said, already backing away. 

Ruby turned and jogged off down the path, calling something over her shoulder that Y/n didn’t quite catch. Y/n stood there for a moment longer, hands tucked in her jacket pockets, before turning away.

-

By the time Y/n made it to the kitchens, the sky outside was shifting from blue to orange as the evening was settling in. Thursday nights looked the same for Y/n. A volunteer kitchen shift to fill her schedule, along with Ruby. 

Fernando was there before her, of course. 

He stood at one of the long prep tables with his sleeves rolled up, hands already submerged in a tub of water filled with muddy vegetables. Dirty carrots to the left, cleaned potatoes to the right and greens she couldn’t identify in the water. He glanced up when he heard her come in, a smile on his face.

“About time,” he said. “Was starting to think you’d escaped kitchen duty.”

“I’m like 5 minutes early,”  Y/n shot back, dropping her jacket on the hook and stepping beside him. She grabbed an apron and tied it to her waist. 

Fernando laughed, nudging a potato towards her. “Where’s Ruby? Running late?”

“She was out helping fix a fence, she might be a bit late today,” Y/n said, grabbing some potatoes and bringing them to a chopping board. 

The job was much different from her other one, but she was always willing to help out. Around them, the kitchen hummed to life. Water running, knives chopping and light chatter. 

“Ah, poor girl,” Fernando nodded, placing another vegetable next to her. 

A few more people filtered in, off doing their own little tasks in the kitchen. The rhythm of it followed quickly. For a while, Y/n herself just exists there. Chopping, passing, listening. 

Still, every now and then, her thoughts drifted—back to the patrol, the silence, the morning. She chopped the potato a little harder than necessary and shook her head to herself.

Ruby came in with a gust of wind, the door banging shut behind her as she hurried inside.

“Oh my gosh, guys, my bad!” she said, immediately, breathless, quickly whipping off her jacket. Her hair was half tied, the rest falling loosely in her face, cheeks flushed from the cold. “That fence took so long!”

Ruby grabbed an apron and tied it quickly. She slid in beside Y/n. “What do you need me to do?”

“You can cut the carrots,” Fernando said, pushing over the cleaned ones. 

Y/n gave Ruby a sideways glance. “You look like shit.”

Ruby gasped, “Wow, fuck me, I guess!” 

Ruby got to work, her knife tapping against the chopping board as she worked through the carrots. She suddenly sighed. “I feel so bad about missing Ruth’s birthday, Fernando…”

He lifted his head and turned to look at her. She carried on. “I didn’t even know it was happened until Y/n told me this morning. I was completely wiped out from patrol on monday, I completely crashed when I got home.”

Fernando shook his head. “Ruth knows how patrols are.”

“I still feel bad,” Ruby muttered.

Fernando smiled softly. “You show up every other day, it’s okay. Just bring cake next time.” Ruby laughed. “Deal.”

Once the two were finished cutting the carrots and potatoes, one of the others on shift—Simon, looked over from the prep table. “You two finished cutting those?”

Y/n nodded, “all yours.”

“Good,” he said, grabbing them off the two. “Could you start on the meat, then?”

Y/n and Ruby exchanged a look. 

“Okay,” Y/n said with a sigh, before grabbing a clean chopping board. 

Ruby followed, grabbing a boning knife and cleaver. The two got to hacking and slicing the meat, chucking the pieces in a large bowl as they went. 

“I swear,” Ruby started, knife cutting through a thick piece of meat. “After that patrol on monday, I slept for twelve hours straight. I woke up and was still so exhausted! Patrols are getting crazy.”

“Twelve hours?” Y/n huffed a quiet laugh, throwing some meat in the bowl. “Lucky bastard.”

Ruby glances at her. “You never sleep well.”

Y/n nodded, sighing. “Don’t you know it. My brain just won’t shut the fuck up!”

Ruby nodded, “I usually sit in the bath for way too long, just to calm myself.”

“God, I just can’t be bothered trying to sleep anymore. I usually call it quits and go for a walk around.” Y/n smiled. “Went to brush Kauri this morning cause I couldn’t sleep.”

Ruby snorted. “God, Echo was wrecked after monday's patrol.”

Y/n glanced over, a small frown tugging at her mouth. “Yeah?”

Ruby shook her head, frustrated as she spoke. “Got her back to the stables and she just…stood there. Barely ate when she got back, just stared at the wall.”

Y/n pouted. “Aww, poor bub.”

“I brushed her for ages after that,” Ruby went on. “Just stood there talking to Echo and brushing. She’s such a good girl.”

“Echo always is.” Y/n said, fondly.

“The poor horses feel it just as much as we do. And these last couple weeks have been rough.” 

“Yeah,” Y/n agreed. “Kauri gets restless and needy after bad patrols.”

Ruby hummed, “Patrols end up taking more than just the day, you know?”

Y/n nodded. “They really do. Especially lately. Feels like shit for days sometimes.”

They worked like that for a bit. No rush, no jokes. Just the sound of chopping and the warmth of the kitchen.

Fernando’s voice cut in from behind them. “Alright, that’s enough sad talk. Trays are ready.”

Y/n smiled faintly, gathering the cut meat onto a tray. The heaviness didn’t disappear, but its grip wasn’t so tight. 

-

They were carrying heavy trays out into the hall when the noise of people filled the hall. Y/n moved on autopilot. Setting out plates and cutlery, bringing out the food in trays and pots. 

She was sliding a pot into place when her eyes caught a now familiar shape across the hall. 

Broad shoulders. Worn jacket. The quiet presence that took up space. 

Joel. 

He, next to Ellie, stood off to the side near the tables, waiting, hands resting loosely at his sides. Not talking much. Just…there.

Y/n blinked, then huffed through her nose. 

Ruby leaned in beside her, following her line of sight. “Wow,” she murmured, lips twitching. “Twice in one day.”

Y/n shot her a look. “Don’t even start.”

“I’m just saying,” Ruby continued quietly, placing down a tray. “You barely see him in here.” 

Y/n watched as he stepped forward, not before Ellie, of course, and grabbed a plate. 

“Maybe he can’t be bothered cooking today,” Y/n muttered. 

Ruby grinned. “Or…the he’s fucking with you.” 

Y/n scoffed and faced Ruby. “He doesn’t even know I’m here right now! So, shut up and get me the tongs.” 

Y/n turned back toward the serving tables, placing down her own tray—

And froze.

Joel was looking straight at her. 

Not in passing. Not scanning the room like before. His attention was fixed, brows drawn together, head tilting just slightly like he was trying to place something that didn’t quiet fit.

Y/n stomach dipped.

He stoof there a second long than necessary, confusion flicking across his face before it smoothed back into something neutral. Assessing. 

Heat crept up Y/n’s neck. Of course now he noticed her. In an apron, placing a tray. After she’s spent the entire day trying to wipe him from her mental folder of embarassment. 

The second Ruby returned, Y/n broke eye contact first, snatching the tongs from her hands and forcing them on the table. 

Of course, Ruby caught everything. She leaned in, voice low and delighted. “Well, he knows you’re here now.”

Y/n didn’t look at her. “If you say one more word—”

Ruby had to bit her lip to keep from laughing. 

Behind her, Joel turned back toward the food line, expression unreadable.

Y/n was halfway back to the kitchen when she felt it again, the feeling of someone looking at her. Only, it wasn’t Joel this time. 

She glanced up. Ellie had spotted her this time. 

There was no quiet recognition. No quiet double-take. Ellie’s eyes lit up instantly, her face loud as ever—and then she pointed.

Full arm straight at her.

“Joel,” Ellie said, loud enouhg to carry over to Y/n. “That’s her.” 

Y/n nearly tripped. 

Joel stiffened immediately. “Ellie,” he said, low and sharp. 

But Ellie wasn’t done. She leaned around him, pointing again like Y/n was some kind of exotic animal in the bush. “Your new patrol partner. You know—”

Joel grabbed her wrist and hauled her hand down. “Jesus Christ, girl,” he scolded under his breath, eyes flickering toward the kitchen. 

“I was just—”

“I know what you were doin’,” he cut in. “And you don’t do that.” 

Ellie huffed, yanking her hand free. “Whatever.”

Y/n stood there, face burning, suddenly very interest in the floorboards. She could feel Ruby vibrating beside her, barely holding it together. 

“Oh my god,” Ruby whispered. “She pointed.”

“Please stop,” Y/n muttered. “I will actually die.” 

Across the hall, Joel glanced back one, almost irritated at the situation, before steering Ellie towards the line. 

Ruby waited a total of three seconds before leaning in as they made their way back into the kitchen. 

“Ellie knew exactly who you were.” Ruby snickered.

“Everyone in Jackson knows everyone.” Y/n argued.

Ruby grinned, clearly pleased with herself. “Or Mr. Boring ain’t as quiet as we thought.” 

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Y/n said quickly, even as her stomach twisted. “He could have just told her he has a new partner.”

“Sure…” Ruby nodded. “But he mentioned it.”

Y/n fidgetted in place. “He didn’t say a word on patrol, he wouldn’t make a fuss about it.” 

“Yeah,” Ruby said lightly. “But that doesn’t mean he didn’t say anything after.”

Y/n scoffed, turning back to face her. “You think he talked about me?”

Ruby shrugged, but there was something in her expression. “I think you made an impression.”

“Oh god,” Y/n winced. “What if he told her I was boring too?” 

Ruby couldn’t hold back her laugh this time. 

“You are the least supportive person I know,” Y/n scoffed. 

Ruby breathed out. “Please, if it was really an issue, you would have heard from Tommy by now.”

Y/n opened her mouth to fire back, then stopped.

Ruby’s words lingered. IF it had been a problem, Tommy would’ve said something, would have given her advice or something, he always did. But he only asked about Joel.

She was still mulling over it when she noticed movement at the edge of the kitchen. Fernando.

He was hovering near the doorway, glancing over his shoulder like he was checking to make sure no one was watching. Then his eyes landed on Y/n and Ruby, and his hand waved them in a subtle come here motion. 

The two of them followed him towards the back of the kitchen, out of sight from anyone who could possibly walk in. They knew this procedure very well.

He crouched slightly to reach under a shelf and pulled out a small tray. “Here,” he said, nudging it toward them. “Eat quickly so no one sees.”

There were thick slices of roasted vegetables, a few extra cuts of meat that hadn’t been part of the night’s dinner plan, and tucked in the corner, a small dessert, just enough for the two of them. 

Fernando always had a way of making the two little treats like this while everyone was busy in the kitchen. 

The two thanked Fernando as usual, already grabbing a piece from the tray. He smiled and straightened before giving them a little wave and heading back out. 

Ruby picked up the dessert. “I love Fernando.” 

Y/n chuckled, biting into the meat, letting herself relax. 

Y/n leaned back against the counter, chewing slowly. Her shoulders loosened, the tension of everything fading. This is what she looked forward to most weeks. 

The easy days in a post apocalyptic world. Helping out in the kitchen, sneaking food from Fernando, eating shoulder to shoulder with Ruby.

But these moments were only short. Y/n took her last bite and wiped her hands on her pants. They had to be fast and clean after eating.

“I'll wash, you dry,” Y/n said, already running the water.

Ruby picked up a teatowel as Y/n handed over the first, soapy dish. They made quick work to get through the dishs, hiding all evidence.

After drying her hands, Y/n breathed out, her day mostly over. Ruby came over and leabed against the counter next to her.

“I found a new CD on patrol the other day, wanna come over to mine and have a listen?” Ruby asked.

Y/n smiled, “yeah, sounds good.” 

They pushed off the counter together, slipping out of the kitchen. The dining hall was fuller now, people already sat, eating. 

As they stepped outside, the air was cool, night had engulfed Jackson, the small street lights casting the only light.

“What CD did you find?” Y/n asked, her habds already tucked into her pockets.

“I don't really know, I think the bands called ‘Creed’,” Ruby said, walking along side her.

Y/n tilted her head, “I think my parents listened to them before the outbreak…can't really remember though.” 

Ruby shrugged, “I hope it's a good one, the last CD was absolutely shit!”

Y/n laughed, remembering their last find. It was a shitty EP from a band not even Fernando or Ruth knew about. They almost threw it away if it wasn't for the fact it was a relic from the before time.

“Makes a pretty good coaster,” Y/n smiled.

“Hey!” Ruby shoved her, laughing. “How was I supposed to know!” 

“It was the only CD you found in an entire CD shelf, there's probably a reason.”

“Like you haven't gotten shitty CDs before,” Ruby pouted.

“Not like that.” Y/n teased. “Anyways, where'd you find this one?” 

“We went off course a bit on patrol, and found a car that had been ransacked. Everything else inside was taken. I cracked open the radio and found the CD inside and the case in the glove box.” Ruby said. “I hope it's not too scratched when I ripped it out.”

Y/n nodded, impressed. “When there's a will, there's a way.”

The reach Ruby’s little abode, the porch light already on. Ruby pushed open the door, and Y/n followed her in.

Whatever the CD turned out to be, didn't matter, because tonight, she didn't need to think, her day was over, she could rest.

And that was enough.

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