oh fuck im losing it

and you know what? my resolve IS weakening and i kind of wish my mom was here to make me soup but this is it. this is the only way i am to live. but i will get a chemical filled zero cal soda after work so i can’t complain!

day four of not eating shit and i am lying on the bathroom floor at work🫠

haaaaaashdhhhbbbbpppffffff the only food i’ve consumed in three days is three slices of banana pepper off a pizza. and honestly every time i think about eating i think about losing control and how it won’t make me feel good. and even if i don’t lose control it still won’t make me feel good. i crave the feeling of liking food but it’s been a long damn time since that’s happened.

i am a chair.

bro any of you get awful fucking hiccups? i’m like doing the worm from how violent they are

i know my blog is dead and shit, but i never have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. my best friend/roommate has told me that she supports me in all this but has never had to think about it before, like she didn’t grow up insecure about her body so it’s a foreign feeling to her. and after i heard her say that i’ve pretty much resigned myself from saying anything else about it. i don’t want her to see how disgusting i can be. there have been a few times where she finds me crying in front of the fridge or not having eaten all day and makes me eat with her but she still doesn’t get it. she knows about it and she will be there but she won’t understand. and i just want someone who gets it. not even someone to encourage me to stop eating or whatever bullshit ed tumblr is about, i don’t want a partner in this. i just want to confide in someone who knows how much it hurts and how good it feels.

once i figure out how to combine my ambition and focus for art making with my ed i will be fucking unstoppable

back on my stupid idiot bullshit that i am obviously tired of but unable to escape. i keep finding myself covering my mouth with my hand and i can’t tell if it’s a comfort thing or if i am unconsciously keeping myself from eating lol.

haven’t said anything about this and not that anyone’s listening but this is more for me anyway. my grandma got admitted into the icu a couple days ago for congestive heart failure and they transferred her into hospice today and my mom said that she wanted to say her goodbyes to people because she’s made peace with her situation and doesn’t want to be kept alive on pain medication and machines so i called her today through my dad and let her talk to me about god and how we used to read to each other and it made me so sad and it happened right after my psych appointment and i was just agreeing and lying at the end of that appointment because i knew my mom was going to call about my grandma soon so i just said yes i will go to therapy my parents know etc etc. and i don’t want to and i know no one can make me do things but also i probably should stop purging before i ruin my insides, i’ve already thrown up huge amounts of bile and some blood this round so i know i need to stop. i just want my old therapist to tell me to stop and not my new psychiatrist who recommends outpatient and other therapists like i haven’t been looking for therapists in the city for the past four years myself. i know i’m being bitter because i’m sad and she really is trying to help but i felt so infantilized for a minute. i gave her all my secrets and she said okay go into time out! she didn’t. obviously. i’m just rambling to pass time and release some nervous energy. i’m going to go get a sweet ass drink from starbucks and look at the snow flurries and listen to happy music and then come home and build a cardboard church.

told on myself in my psych appointment and she recommended outpatient to me oh boy she’s gonna call me in a week to see if i’ve contacted anyone about therapy oh fuck