NUCLEAR GIRL !

jillian holtzmann established herself as the brazen child as soon as her body was capable of moving independently in a controlled and purposeful — although clumsy — manner, as most toddlers move. safety scissors were not only used to cut up paper when making crafts at her first day of school, but were also wielded against defenseless, wild ringlet curls. she never aimed to hurt anyone else with what had the potential to be a weapon, but curiosity fueled her. severed blonde hair fell onto the brightly carpeted floor. since her teacher’s back was turned when she cut her hair, the teacher assumed one of the other students had done it. when asked, however, jillian unabashedly admitted she’d done it herself. ALL BECAUSE SHE COULD.

and so was born her philosophy of ‘WHY NOT’ when faced with possibilities and personal endeavors, but such ideas leaked into her personality, molding the eccentric presence few could wholly accept and love.

she insisted one day that she be allowed to pick out what to wear for the day, though her wardrobe in its entirety was picked out by her parents. that didn’t stop jillian from mismatching socks and picking items that weren’t supposed to go together. but her parents dressed her in something more presentable before the world could see her looking like a mess. while jillian understood that rules were important, regulations over clothes seemed pointless ; so long as she was clothed, what was the problem ?? ‘fashion’ hurt no one. yet still they extinguished that creative flame ; but it was bound to manifest in some other way.

her personality was considered incredibly STRANGE by fellow students and family members and was constantly commented on. she seemed to have few boundaries in terms of conversation topics and personal space. eating with an open mouth, being overly expressive with her gestures, and the way she sounded out words earned her the reputation of being the ‘WEIRD’ kid in class. not to mention that she flourished in science-related conversations but struggled to read the most basic sentences, which was responded to by waves of laughter by classmates, followed by her own cheeks flushing. but she’d continue to try anyway.

odd behavior mixed with, seemingly, a disregard for safety drove other kids away ; her teachers would talk to her parents about how she lacked friends and would explain possible reasons why. instead of offering valuable suggestions, her parents tried to usher her toward NORMALCY, to no avail.

rejection didn’t stop jillian from attempting to make friends with everyone she met, though. but one boy in middle school incessantly bullied her for it, getting in her face and laughing because not only did she not know when to give up trying to interact with people, she also seemed to not understand that they wanted nothing to do with her. in reality, though, she was very well aware. his persistence led to her kicking him where it hurts, which made kids her age stay even further away from her. they at least didn’t bother her anymore.

‘HE HURT HER, SO SHE’D HURT HIM’ wasn’t a philosophy she liked. what other options were left, though ??

her parents did bother her about it, though. they scolded her for hurting her peer despite knowing how bullied she’d been during the entirety of her school experience. told her there were other ways to resolve this, that violence wasn’t the answer. and oh, how they loved to cite the ‘turn the other cheek’ part of the bible. they urged her to try and act normal, fit in more, and maybe she’d make some friends, but jillian didn’t want to tone down who she was.

they never raised a hand to her ; however, their comments were enough for her to conclude that she wasn’t fully accepted in her own household.

for the rest of her years in school, she let any comments that came her way slide, acted like they didn’t bother her. self-acceptance was the goal after being told for so many years that there was something wrong with her, something repellent. if she couldn’t dazzle with her personality, though, she could certainly impress with her intelligence. she focused on school rather than ‘improving’ what others felt needed to be fixed. her efforts were applauded and she thought that having that one good thing about her might overshadow  whatever others found unappealing.

that is, until her sexuality came to light.

being raised in a catholic household, she was raised with the notion that ‘if a man lie with mankind, as with womankind, both of them have committed abomination.’ once it was revealed to her parents that she felt she was a lesbian, feelings of disgust became apparent. tensions changed, and she felt even more alienated and unaccepted by her own family. they talked less and less and family dinners became somber, silent reflections of where everything went wrong.

at the age of 17 when she finally graduated high school and could move on to college, she felt a swell of relief despite the debt that was sure to amass. she aimed to not be dependent on her family in any way so she could separate herself from the people who made her feel like there was something not right with who she was.

she shed ‘jillian’ as her preferred name because it sounded too much like something that’d been holding her back.

college years were mostly focused on academic achievement, and though she found some people who leaned toward the strange end of the personality spectrum like herself, she continued to feel like true bonds weren’t being made. they still had their reservations about the girl with mismatched clothes and a mouth too loud and imposing.

but new york, oh — that’s a mishmash of all sorts of people. the bookish, the pompous, THE QUIRKY. she’d not had much of a chance to socialize properly, had never had a true friend. but a conglomeration of people from all walks of life meant there HAD to be people who’ve struggled in that department too, right ??

enter ABBY YATES, the first person who’s given her a real chance and has made her feel like she’s exactly who she’s supposed to be and there’s nothing wrong with that.