lynn

You gulped as you looked up to the red neon sign that blinked in the window. It was strange to be here by yourself after everything that had happened at this place. Still, it had been a week and you hadn’t heard from Hyunjin ever since.

You tried to call him and text him, but you didn’t get any answer every time that happened. You were worried, mostly because he also wasn’t showing up to class. Of course, he needed time, you knew that. Of course, he would be avoiding you, ignoring you, keeping his distance. However, one thing was doing all of those things and still being present, even if apart. Another was seemingly disappearing from the face of the earth, without any warning.

None of this was easy. You felt like you had just ruined one of the most precious things you had, your friendship with him. And you couldn’t help but blame yourself for most of it. Still, what was done was done and you couldn’t take it back. All you could do was move forward and keep control of what you could control.

You opened the door, a soft jazzy melody playing inside. All of the tables were empty, some employees were setting them up, making sure to wipe the tabletop after they were done putting the chairs down.

“We’re closed!” a familiar voice spoke from behind the counter and your heart picked up the pace. You cleared your throat and moved closer to the counter, each step echoing.

“I know,” you sighed and her eyes quickly looked at you, a certain disdain in her expression. “I wanted to talk to you, if possible,”

“We’re busy. We need to set up the tables for the evening. We’re closed for the next hour,”

Kat turned her back on you and walked away from the counter, towards a couple of the other employees and gave them some orders. They nodded and she turned to face you. She rolled her eyes and pointed to the door behind you. You nodded and stood your ground.

“I know you’re closed. I just… I just need five minutes,”

“I don’t have five minutes,” she crossed her arms and stared at you, intensely.

“Three, then?”

She paused and studied your expression.

“Two and that’s it,”

You nodded and agreed to her offer. She had the upper hand here, this was her workplace and you were a customer, a stranger to her still. It didn’t matter what kind of relationship you shared with Hyunjin, you didn’t know Kat and Kat didn’t know you.

She removed her apron and folded it in a quick motion and placed it on the counter. You followed her and sat across from her at a booth, the sunlight creeping in from the big windows.

“How is Hyunjin doing?” you asked.

“Why do you care?” she leaned back and crossed her arms, examining you. “Haven’t you caused enough damage?”

Kat was not who you thought she would be. When you met her, she seemed kind and caring, always smiling as she did her job, even if it was monotonous. Right now, she was mad, hurt even. She looked at you with pain, her jaw clenched and eyes burning with distaste.

You may have broken Hyunjin’s heart, but why did it seem like you had broken hers as well?

“He is still my friend,” you answered. “It’s normal I care about him.”

She pondered your answer. After a few seconds, she shrugged and shook her head.

“He told me he’d be gone for a while. He probably went home, I don’t know. After what happened between you two, he hasn’t been answering my calls or texts, for that matter,”

“I call him but it goes straight to voicemail and he also doesn’t reply to my texts…” you confessed, worried. “I thought that maybe you’d know something…”

“Why?” she asked, defensive. “What makes you think that?”

“The day we came here,” you gulped, “I saw the way you looked at each other. I thought you two were something more than just friends…”

This time, you were the one that studied Kat. She avoided your gaze and slowly uncrossed her arms, leaning forward on the table. You recognised the look in her eyes: heartbreak.

“We’re not,” she answered in a low tone, defeated. “Hyunjin… always talked about you with such tenderness and consideration, I could tell he liked you. And at first, I found it endearing,” a small smile crept upon her face. She chuckled, “And then, you started hanging out with someone else. Our conversations were now about you and this other guy… hm…”

“Jisung?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “Jisung. He wanted to confess his feelings for you but he didn’t want to make a fool of himself. He valued the friendship you both shared a lot, he was worried that being honest with you would ruin it,” she looked you in the eyes for the first time, “So I suggested we figured out where your feelings stood. That’s what you saw. We pretended to be in love so we could understand where your feelings stood,”

You slowly nodded, her words taking shape in your mind. You weren’t sure what to feel about this situation. Hyunjin didn’t want to make a fool of himself. So instead, he chose to fake being in love with Kat to see what your feelings toward him were.

It pained you to know this, all of it. But you had both been the fools. You both had chosen to pretend with someone else because you were too scared to be honest, too scared to ruin what you had. And yet, where had that taken you?

“He was the only one pretending, wasn’t he?” you asked.

Kat lowered her eyes to meet her hands and she nodded slowly. You sighed and fixed your hair.

“I liked him,” you stated and she nodded.

“I know,”

“But I… fell for someone else. I mean,” you took a deep breath, remembering how back in time the story you and Jisung both shared went, “I always loved Jisung. I didn’t want to admit I still had those feelings for him. It’s a complicated story, I won’t get into it.”

“Isn’t love always complicated?” she stated with a bittersweet smile. “It’s never simple, is it?”

You nodded, relaxing onto the cushion seat. Someone from the counter rang a bell and Kat quickly glanced at them.

“We need you to prepare service,” he said in an annoying tone.

“I’m coming!” she stood up from her seat and sighed, fixing her ponytail. “I’m coming!”

“I guess our two minutes are up…” you followed her and stood up as well.

“Yes,” she confirmed. “I guess they are,”

The two of you stood there, glancing at one another from time to time, unsure of how to end this conversation.

“I… hm… I’ll let you know if Hyunjin tells me anything,”

“Thank you,”

She gave you a small smile and walked back to the counter and disappeared from your view. You stood there for a few seconds, listening to the muffled sounds of meals being prepared, a soft jazzy melody playing in the background.

When you exited Bennie’s you couldn’t help but feel a certain relief. Yes, you still didn’t have all the answers and that was partially killing you. And yet, you knew what you needed to know and that was more than alright.

Hyunjin had Kat, you could tell how deeply she cared about him. And that was all you needed to know. You needed to know that he wasn’t completely alone, even if right now that had been his choice.

And right now, there was nothing more you could do than to wait for some sort of answer.

You laid in your bed, eyes glued to the ceiling. Eunbi scavenged through your drawers looking for something to wear tonight. You tried to ignore her but it was almost impossible.

“Are you sure you didn’t bring your black dress?” she asked, almost desperate. “It would go really well with the heels I bought the other day…”

You sighed and sat on the bed and pointed to your wardrobe. “Have you tried in there?”

“In there?” she raised an eyebrow and you nodded. “I’ll take a look!”

She quickly got to your wardrobe and opened it, quickly glancing at the hangers inside. After a few seconds, she smiled triumphantly and pulled out a black dress.

“There you are!”

“I told you it’d be there,” you collapsed back in your bed and looked at the time on your phone.

Ten more minutes, you thought and bit your lower lip.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? You wouldn’t be third-wheeling, trust me,”

You laughed and shook your head, “I am waiting for Jisung to call me,”

“Uhh,” you rolled your eyes and she sat at the end of your bed. “How are things going between you two?”

“They’re… fine,” you could feel your heartbeat increasing, your cheeks becoming warmer. You smiled at her. “We’re… fine,”

“Just call it what it is, please!” she playfully slapped your leg. “You’re madly in love and you can’t wait to see him…”

You nodded. It was true, you were madly in love with Jisung and this entire distance between you was very inconvenient. Still, you tried to make the most out of it because part of you couldn’t bear to be apart from him. You had your life to live but your life became more colourful and lively when Jisung was in it.

“I miss him a lot,” you admitted and sighed. “It’s strange, you know? I was so used to being with him and now he is far away… part of me is with him, that’s what it feels like,”

“Well,” Eunbi started, trying to lighten up the mood, “the good thing is that you only have to wait two more weeks! And next time you blink, you’ll be meeting him at the airport and these three weeks only made you two stronger. Look at the bright side,”

She stood up from your bed and went to close your wardrobe.

“Since when do you have this dress?” she picked a dress from your wardrobe, one with the tag still on it. “It’s so beautiful!”

You stood up from the bed and grabbed the dress. You gulped, somewhat embarrassed.

“My mother sent me the dress…” you placed it back on the wardrobe and closed it. “Apparently dinner with my grandparents requires us to dress elegantly…”

However, it wasn’t just that. You didn’t mind dressing up and wearing beautiful dresses. Part of you enjoyed that entire routine of getting ready for one of these family gatherings. What you didn’t like were the family gatherings. For the majority of them, you had gone by yourself, since your grandfather refused to invite your father. And the first few ones were fine, you had Jiwoo and your grandmother to lean on.

But lately, you felt more and more alone at these events. Your family couldn’t get over the fact that you were different, that you hadn’t grown up in the same environment they had and they made sure to point it out any chance they got. It was unpleasant and you weren’t sure how long you could handle it.

Still, this next family gathering was going to be different for a variety of reasons. For the first time, your parents had been invited so you weren’t going to be completely alone. You would also see Jiwoo and possibly confront her about what she did to you all those years ago. It wouldn’t be pleasant but you were tired of being the one with the bitter taste in your mouth. Of course, it would be so much better if you could do it with Jisung but some things had to be done on your own.

“When is it?” she asked, bringing you back to the present.

“This weekend,” you stated. “I am going a day or two early to spend some time with my grandma,”

“Well, I will be one phone call away,” she stated and gave you a reassuring smile. “And please, make sure you bring some wine,”

You laughed and nodded. “Deal,”

Eunbi gave you a thumbs up and exited the room with your black dress. You went to your bedside table and grabbed your phone and, after scrolling on social media for a while, your phone lit up with Jisung’s name. You couldn’t contain your excitement and immediately picked up the call.

“Hello,” you greeted him with a bright smile on your face. “How are you today?”

Jisung waved at you and laughed, his smile growing bigger as soon as he saw you. You were so glad facetime calls were a thing, spending three weeks without seeing his face or his smile would be too much.

“I am exhausted,” he leaned forward and you understood he was sitting at a table, probably in his hotel room. “Today I trained with some professional fighters and it was… embarrassing,”

“I am sure it wasn’t that bad,” you reassured him. Still, the look in his eyes told you otherwise. You sighed. “They do this for a living, Jisung. Besides, it was your first time training with them. I am sure you’ll do better next time.”

He nodded and the two of you stayed in silence for a while. Jisung glanced at you and smiled.

“What about your day? Any progress on the article?”

You shook your head and stood up from your bed and started to walk around your room.

After Jisung was gone, you focused your attention on everything you had to do. You tried to find a job but that didn’t work out very well for you. Still, Jisung told you to not give up and maybe try to write one final article before calling it quits. At first, you weren’t sure if that was a good idea, you were afraid that you wouldn’t be able to improve your skills and overcome your shortcomings.

But after you started it, the words just kept on flowing. You would write every time you got the chance and you were proud of what you were writing. If this would be your final article, if this would be the last writing you’d contribute with to the newspaper, then you were happy.

“I might finish the first draft tonight,” you announced, proudly. He smiled. “I want to give it to my supervisor before I leave to go to my grandparent’s dinner. It would be great if I could have an answer before then…”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” he said in a laid back tone, unaware of how much these simple words meant to you. “Look at everything you’ve done this past few weeks. You called your grandmother, you wrote an article…” he gave you a playful smile, “you confessed your love for me… All great achievements, of course.”

You rolled your eyes and collapsed on the small sitting nook near your window. You glanced outside, the sun disappearing leaving the sky with bright shades of orange and pink. You glanced at the stuffed animal Jisung had gotten you on your first date, a sudden wave of longing hitting you.

“I miss you,” the words rolled out of your tongue unintentionally. “I really do,”

You meant it. Nothing like being apart from someone to know how much they mean to you. A week had gone by but it felt like an eternity. It was strange to not have Jisung around. Oftentimes, you had to stop yourself from going somewhere where you’d expect Jisung to be, only to remember that he was somewhere else, in a different timezone. There was so much you wanted to share with him, so much you wanted to tell him, so much you wanted to show him. You missed seeing his smile, feeling his touch, being with him.

There were things that distance couldn’t give you.

“I miss you too,” he whispered, a sad tone in his voice. “But… I’ll be back in no time. Two weeks will fly by and next thing you know, I’ll be right next to you, the both of us watching the sunset together,”

“That sounds nice,”

The two of you talked for a while longer. Jisung asked about Hyunjin and if you had any updates from him. You told him what had happened with Kat and how she also didn’t know where he was. He also asked about Jiwoo and what was going to happen. That was something that you had been avoiding thinking about but with the dinner night quickly approaching, you’d have to come to a decision.

“I think I am going to tell her what I know,” you concluded, a sting in your chest. “It won’t be easy but… this is the final step…”

“I meant it when I said I wanted to be there with you,” his voice embraced you softly, a melody you loved to hear.

“I know,” you nodded and gave him a reassuring smile, “but this something I also have to do on my own. It’s time, you know? To confront her, to ask her to be honest about all of this. I want, no,” you sighed, “I need answers. It’s been three years but I still don’t get it.”

Jisung and you were planning on chatting for a while longer but afterwards, someone knocked on his bedroom door and he took a deep breath.

“Afternoon practice?” you asked and he stood up from his chair.

“I have some physical exams today,” he stated and shrugged after seeing your worried expression. “They are monitoring how my body is reacting to practice and the recovery process. Don’t worry too much about it,”

“If you say so,” you stood there, staring at your screen, Jisung doing the same on the other side. You knew that none of you wanted this call to end. It always felt too short. “I’ll message you later tonight,”

“Have fun with the article,” he waved you goodbye and disconnected the call.

You sighed, a void suddenly filling you as silence took over your room. Talking with Jisung was like a sudden rush of adrenaline, you felt at the top of the world and then slowly but surely, you’d come back down to reality, a reality in which you could only see him through phone screens and where you couldn’t hold him in your embrace.

It was frustrating, to say the least. But at least, the distance you both shared only made your feelings for Jisung clearer and stronger.

You loved him, you couldn’t deny that. His smile, his presence, his eyes,… you missed everything about him.

You loved him and you missed him.

And you couldn’t wait to see him again. You couldn’t wait to kiss him, to feel his arms wrapped around your waist, his voice in your ear as he whispered sweet words to you.

It was an endearing thought and when you thought about it, you felt better. Because even though you were away, there were parts of you that were always together, there was something that you both shared.

Your love for each other. Your endless desire to be back together.

So you’d continue to count down the days and weeks until you were both reunited and you’d enjoy the little moments you got to share while you waited to be together again.

You sat on your couch typing away the words slowly, making sure nothing was escaping you. You wanted to make sure this article was the best it could be and that meant writing the greatest first draft you possibly could. You typed slowly, mouthing the words as you wrote them down. When you finished the last sentence, you leaned back on your couch and admired your work.

“Done,” you whispered under your breath. It was indeed done.

You had considered all of the feedback your supervisor had given you, the events of the past few weeks and tried your best to write an article that expressed and showed your evolution as a writer, that showcased how much you had grown and how much you were willing to continue your growth and improve your skills.

It also helped that you had found a theme that you connected with. This time, however, you didn’t rely solely on what you thought was right. You went out and asked people about what they were going through, you gathered their opinion and perspectives and you were glad you had done it. Everything felt more fleshed out, more complete, more compelling.

You were glad your supervisor had pushed you over the edge and had shown you you had to work harder because you could do it. You were also glad that you were finally starting to step out of your comfort zone and accept things as they were. Instead of waiting for answers, now you were actively searching for them. In your work, in your life, in everything.

The old passive you was melting away and giving way to a new, confident and active version of you.

You placed the laptop on the couch and stood up, walking into the kitchen to prepare a midnight snack. You boiled some water for your tea and grabbed a small cupcake Eunbi had bought earlier. As soon as you were about to take a bite, your phone blinked in the dark living room and you quickly walked towards it.

Done for the day, Jisung texted you and attached was a photo of him smiling. Instead of texting him back, you called him and waited for him to pick up on the other side.

“Do you miss me that much?” he teased you and you rolled your eyes. Still, it was true.

“I do, I do,” you stated and collapsed on the couch, a tea mug on the coffee table. “How was the afternoon?”

“Busy, as always,” there was a small pause. Jisung chuckled. “For what it’s worth, I was hoping you’d call me,”

“Oh, really? And why is that?”

He sighed and you imagined him on the other side, eyes looking at the blank ceiling, your voice in his ear.

“I like the sound of your voice,” he said shyly. “I also wanted to know how your article is going. Isn’t it late there?”

You nodded and then remembered he couldn’t see you. “It’s one in the morning but the good news is that the first draft is complete! That’s exciting, right?”

“It’s more than exciting, it’s great news!” you could hear the excitement in his voice. “What now? How are you feeling?”

You shrugged and took a bite out of your cupcake. After a few seconds, you answered.

“If this is my last article for the newspaper, then I am proud. I did my best. I just hope it’s enough,”

It was true. You couldn’t help but be doubtful of everything. Of course, you were proud, you could see the evolution in your words, in the way you wrote. But what if he couldn’t? What if all of this was still partially an idealised version of your mind, making you believe in something that wasn’t there?

“Well, you should be proud. I am proud,” you could sense Jisung’s smile widening. “I am proud of you, Y/N,”

Your heart shrank a little in your chest, the sudden realisation of the distance between you being too much for you to carry. You missed him dearly and you wanted to see his face as he told you all these heartfelt things. You wanted him to see the effect he had on you, how your cheeks burned at his compliment.

“Thank you, Jisung,”

“You’re welcome,” a few seconds passed by and he sighed. “I’d love to continue our conversation but I want to get changed and grab some dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow. Same time?”

“I’ll be waiting,” you stated. “Have a good dinner and rest, please. You need your body in order to succeed in your career,”

“You should rest as well,” he warned, concerned. “I can be worried about you as well!”

You rolled your eyes, “I can see that. Is it because you care?” you playfully asked.

“It’s because I love you,”

The words rolled out of his tongue carelessly, like a fact that he had known for a long time and couldn’t wait to share. Your smile widened when you saw the moon in the sky, a reminder that even apart, you and Jisung still shared the same stars at night.

“I love you too,” you whispered, almost like a lullaby. “I really do,”

It had been like what Jisung had written to you in the letter. There were no words to describe you, he’d say. And an ‘I love you’ wasn’t enough for you to express how you felt towards Jisung.

Your feelings for him transcended that.

The afternoon came swiftly and with it, your stress over the edge. For the past few days, you kept editing and re-reading your article, showing it to your friends and reading it out loud, unsure if it was at its best. Still, part of you was relieved that this was getting done. After you delivered this document, all you would be able to do was wait.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine?” Eunbi asked you as you walked towards the building, the sounds of people chatting around you giving you comfort. “I can always wait, you know? I don’t need to go home right now, Chan can wait…”

You shook your head and smiled at her. “I’ll be fine,” you stated. “Besides, there’s no need for you to stay. I’ll leave after I am done with this,”

She nodded and the two of you stopped right in front of the building. You looked at it, remembering all the wonderful moments you had spent here. Some dull ones upset you and made you frustrated when you thought of them but part of you understood their importance now: they had been fundamental to your growth as a writer. You had to fail to become better at what you loved to do.

“This is it,” you gulped. Eunbi softly squished your shoulder and you reassured yourself. “I’ll be fine,”

This isn’t the end, a voice reminded you, bringing you encouragement. You saw this moment as a beginning, a chance to start over. And maybe, that chance would be here or maybe, it would be somewhere else.

“You won’t go home after you’re done here?” Eunbi asked, turning to look at you.

“I packed everything already. I want to have dinner with my grandparents and settle in for the night. I’ll leave after I’m done, yes.”

“How are you feeling about it?” she asked, a taste of concern in her voice. “Are you sure you want to go this early? Dinner is only on Sunday, you could go-”

“I am sure, Eunbi,” you interrupted her. “Staying here wouldn’t make much difference, to be honest,”

She understood what you meant. With Jisung gone and Hyunjin nowhere to be found, you had little to nothing to do. And Eunbi was spending more and more time with Chan and it was clear to you that these moments they shared were important. They always invited you to hang out with them but it never felt right to you to join them.

Going to your grandparent’s house was the best thing to do. You couldn’t wait to reunite with your grandma and help her around the greenhouse or stay by the pool while reading a book. You were looking forward to these moments, a small escape from your regular life. Of course, the dinner party would bring you back to where it all started but for a while at least, you could just pretend everything was fine.

You took a deep breath and fixed the shoulder strap on your shoulder. You turned to Eunbi and opened your arms wide and invited her into a hug. She held you tightly and kissed your cheek softly.

“Make sure you keep me updated, okay? And please, if you feel like you have to leave early, let me know. Or if you need support there, I can go and meet you,”

You nodded and for a brief second closed your eyes, taking in this moment. When you let go of her, Eunbi fixed your hair behind your ear and patted you softly on the shoulder.

“Go do your thing now,” she smiled and pointed a finger at you. “And don’t forget the wine.”

You laughed and agreed. “Never forget the wine,”

“That’s right,” she waved you goodbye and walked away, leaving you and the building in front of you all alone.

You took decisive steps towards it, pushing the door open and walking to that so familiar floor where you had spent so many mornings and afternoons. You glanced around, trying to look for familiar faces but most desks were empty. It was Friday afternoon, after all. Most people were home by now.

That was a relief. This way, very few would remember you had been here which would be easier to deal with if you got rejected. Part of you remembered the last time you had crossed these doors, your heart crushed and your reality upside down.

You passed by your old desk, still empty, and looked at Felix’s desk opposite to yours. You smiled when you noticed he was there, staring at his computer screen, a focused expression.

“Good afternoon,” you greeted and pointed to the chair across from him. “Is this seat taken?”

He quickly raised his eyes, worried and afterwards his expression melted into a smile. He stood up and walked towards you and hugged you.

“Y/N! I’ve missed you! How have you been? You disappeared and it has been lonely without you!” he complained and you let go of you. “You’re back?”

You shook your head. “Not yet. I was given the chance to write one more article and I am here to turn it in. If it’s good, I may be back. If not…” you sighed and shook your head. “Let’s not think about that,”

Felix nodded and studied your expression. After a few seconds, he smiled and sighed.

“Well, he’s in his office right now,” he pointed to the small cubicle you had been in a few weeks ago. A small shiver went down your spine. “And Y/N?” he asked, bringing you back to reality. He was back at his desk. “That isn’t the last piece you’ll write for this newspaper,”

You thanked him, remembering the feedback Felix had given you when you sent the article for him to read. He was always supportive of you, always ready to help and make your writing better. Maybe that was the reason why he was the head of the sports report team at the newspaper. He was a good leader.

“Thanks for the support,” you gave him a thumbs-up. “I’ll go and get this over with so I can leave for the weekend,”

You turned your back on him and walked towards the office, your heartbeat increasing in your chest as you moved closer to the door. You breathed in and out in slow motion just to calm yourself down. When you knocked on the door, you waited a few seconds until you heard a loud “Come in,”

As you pushed the door open, the supervisor didn’t raise his eyes to meet you. You cleared your throat and after a few seconds, he finally noticed your presence.

“Y/N,” he said in an indifferent tone, “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come back,”

“For a moment neither did I,” you admitted. “But I couldn’t just walk away, could I?”

“I hope not,” he leaned on his chair and crossed his arms. “Are you here to surprise me?”

You pondered on this question for a while. What were you doing here, exactly? Were you just delivering an article to hopefully continue in this newspaper? Were you doing it because you loved your job or because you were afraid of what would happen if you had to let this go?

“I’m not sure if I’ll surprise you,” you stated, looking at him. “Surprises aren’t always good,”

“You’re right,”

“I am here to turn in my article. I believe it is the best I have written so far and maybe that’s why I took so long to come back. This time, I didn’t wait for the story to find me, I went after the story. And this,” you placed the envelope on his desk, “this is the result of your feedback and my hard work. I hope you can see why I deserve to continue. You gave me one last chance but this isn’t my final article for the newspaper,”

“Okay, then,” he picked up the envelope and opened it, looking at the pages inside. He chuckled. “You could’ve emailed me, you know?”

“I know,” you sighed. “But this was too important to me. An email wouldn’t do it justice,”

Silence took over the office as you stood near the door, unsure if you should leave or stay. His eyes glanced over the article and you tried to understand what his expression was telling you. Was it good or bad? He didn’t give it away. After a while, he placed the pages back in the envelope and smiled.

“I’ll give you an answer by Monday,” he announced. “For all it’s worth, I never thought you were a bad writer otherwise you wouldn’t have sat at one of those desks. But talent still needs refinement. And writing is a skill you shouldn’t take for granted. Ever. No matter what happens Y/N, remember that. You should be proud of all of the work you’ve done so far,”

“Thank you,” you gulped. “I’ll wait for your answer, then,”

You exited the office, your legs trembling from the nervousness and the excitement you felt. As you walked out of the building and were greeted by the afternoon breeze, you couldn’t help but smile.

It was done. And there was nothing you could do about it now other than feeling proud for everything you had achieved so far.

You let out a breath, bending down, touching your palms to the floor. Yunho was stretching next to you, warming up. This routine required a lot of trust in your partner, which was a challenge since you were paired up so randomly. Yunho was a great dancer, supposedly- his style was very different from yours, but you’d heard a lot about him in the circuits. He was quite famous in the competition scene, having won quite a few as a young dancer. You just wished his personality was as great as his dancing.

He was way too full of himself, to the point where any conversation you had ended up being in his favor and about him.

As you lifted your head up, following it with your body, stretching out your back muscles, you noticed Hyunjin in the mirror. He was in his usual dance gear, a snapback pushing his hair back. He was currently holding Mina by the waist, as she stretched out her toes. His eyes flicked to yours for a second, and you quickly averted your gaze. Hell if you were going to get caught looking at him, or even in his general direction.

Yunho brought his knee up to his chest, pulling it closer with his hands before changing his leg, and you followed. There was soft music playing from one end, courtesy of Mina, and despite how much you tried to focus on the task at end…you just couldn’t. Your head was all over the place, swarming with things, and you were stressed to say the least.

You hadn’t even begun the routine, but you were already feeling anxious. Perhaps it was because it was in a completely new environment, new practice room, with a new partner. Everything was unfamiliar.

Or perhaps it was because of the anticipation of the next few moves. There was a standard dance that had been assigned to everyone, and most people were paired up with the opposite sex. Surprisingly, the number of guys in this class was equal to girls, a statistic that was new to you.

Yunho let out a breath, and stepped up behind you, ready to begin the routine. You quickly tightened your ponytail, tucking away the few stray strands as you readied yourself to begin.

“You cool to begin?” Yunho asked, into your ear, his breath tingling your neck. You glanced up at him in the reflection, he was way too close to you but you nodded. You’d just have to go with it.

“Hyunjin, bro, I’m changing the music” Yunho spoke to Hyunjin as a heads up. Since you were the only two pairs practicing this late, you took turns switching up your songs. Surprisingly Hyunjin and Mina were very cooperative and let you rewind various times in case you messed up.

The last three practices had been good, but you felt like you hadn’t given it your all. You didn’t want Yunho to think you were a stiff dancer, so you were going to use today’s session as an opportunity to change his probably bad opinion of you. He never seemed impressed with you, or satisfied after the session. He always just seemed disappointed, as if he was forcing you to dance with him. You were going to use today’s practice to change his opinion of you.

You recalled the last time when you were rehearsing, and Yunho’s hand had accidently grazed too close to your chest. You’d immediately stopped the routine to tell him that it made you uncomfortable, to be more careful next time, but to him it barely seemed like a problem, especially not a reason to stop the dance. Maybe you just needed to open up more, and get more comfortable.

You were studying to be a professional after all, you had to get used to everything, right?

You closed your eyes as you focused on the music, letting it seep into you and felt Yunho’s arms wrap around your midriff, coming up to your stomach, palms flat. You waited for your cue, silently counting the beat in your head, waiting to begin. Your stomach was in knots, as Yunho’s hands tightened and your cue came.

You stretched your toes, standing on pointe, as he helped steady you, going into a quick drop, your body dropping to the right as his other hand came to support the back of your neck. You felt the blood rush to your head in the milliseconds that your torso was upside down, but Yunho’s hand on your back supported you.

You let the music overtake you, trying to not think about anything other than what step you needed to do next. You loved dancing; you shouldn’t have to think so hard about it. You came up, as Yunho lifted your leg, his hand gripping your inner thigh, way too close than where it needed to be, and you held back your protests so you could quickly switch to the next position.

The next position was a lift, and you bent down to gather the momentum you needed, Yunho’s hands moving around you with the choreography and then immediately grabbing you by the hips to lift you up into the air. You took in a deep breath those few seconds, focusing on remaining stable so you wouldn’t lose your balance and make him drop you. That would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen. You tried not to focus on how close his hands lingered to your butt. The choreography needed to be completed, you couldn’t let him think you were a sorry excuse for a dancer.

Thankfully, the music crescendo came fast and Yunho put you down, your feet safely touching the ground, his hands still on your hips, and your back pressed into his front. You stepped away as soon as the last beat ended, releasing your breath.

Hyunjin and Mina were looking at you, arms crossed, but your heart was racing for an entirely different reason.

Yunho shot you a big smile, showing you his dimple, brushing back his hair with one hand, an action that any other time could have made you swoon but you couldn’t find him attractive somehow. You just felt tense and out of place. This routine could’ve gone better. You knew that yourself.

“That was good” He spoke, and you smiled before he continued “But I’m sure you can do better. You’re still stiff, like you’re scared of the dance or don’t trust me a bit. I think you need to relax, you’re dancing like it’s homework, not like you care about it. Can you try to be better next time?”

“Right” You said, losing your smile in an instant. You could feel Hyunjin’s gaze on you, and you almost expected him to smirk at this situation, but he didn’t. Yunho was smiling though, as if he hadn’t just crushed your confidence or insulted your skills.

“Anyway, hope tomorrow is better” He sighed, raising an eyebrow and you nodded.

“Can you also try to practice at home? It really feels like I’m giving it my all and you’re just, there” He said, while wiping the back of his neck with a towel, so casually, as if his words were not his own.

“I’ll practice more” You spoke, biting your lip “Today was just an off day”

“Well, I hope that’s not your excuse every day, babe. You’re not on your period or something, are you?” He raised an eyebrow, and even though it wasn’t something embarrassing, the way he said it made your skin flush.

“No, I’m not” You replied curtly, rubbing your arm.

“Cool. Be more passionate next time”

“Passionate?”

“Well, we’re doing a romantic routine, not children’s choreo” He said, and you almost forgot that Hyunjin and Mina were listening to your every word like some soap opera exchange.

“I knowthat. I can be passionate”

“Then why do you flinch away every time I touch you?” He asked “You never been with a guy or what?”

You resisted the urge to curse him at that, because of course you’d been with a guy but even if you hadn’t it shouldn’t have mattered “I don’t see how that’s relevant”

He let out a chuckle “You’re cute. You have someone to walk you home?”

You didn’t, but no way were you going to ask him to drop you home. You didn’t want to be around him any longer.

“Yeah, my friend is coming to pick me up” You said, crossing your arms.

“Cool, see you tomorrow then, babe” He said, lifting his shoulder bag and you shot him a smile as he walked away. He bid the others goodbye, and Mina went back to the stereo, to reset the song. You stared down at your feet, trying not to let the frustration get to you.

Yunho was frustrating.

When you looked up, Hyunjin was still glancing at you and you’d had enough of bratty boys today so you raised an eyebrow at him “Got something to add?”

“No” He said, almost instantly “I was just waiting for you to leave so we can start”

“I wasn’t going to stick around anyway” You shot back, retreating to grab your bag, and slipping your hoodie over your cropped top.

This area was pretty safe, but you would be stupid to walk home alone in just your fitted shirt. You needed to drink water, but with the hostile way Hyunjin was staring, you’d rather wait for a few minutes.

You wanted to be anywhere but here.

»»————-

As you walked home through the empty campus streets, you wondered if you should have just asked Minho or Han to pick you up. The lamps were dimmed down and you were surprised to see nobody out and about. You pulled your hood over your head, hopefully you wouldn’t run into any drunk boys.

You were listening to the song that you and Yunho had to perform, trying to perfect the flow and beat in your head. You needed to be perfect, if not for anything other than to prove him wrong.

Yeji had asked you to get your partner changed, and maybe you should, but that would make you seem absolutely horrible, and like a coward. You couldn’t have that in your first month. Probably, Yunho was just showing you the tough love, and would lighten up soon. Maybe this was his way of encouraging his partners.

At least you hoped.

»»————-

“Hellooo? Earth to YN”

You glanced up from your cold pasta to Yeji. She was waving her fork in front of your eyes, her eyes lit up in excitement “You seem awfully distracted today”

“I’m okay” You replied, sticking your fork into the pasta. You were sat at the cafeteria with the guys, and Yeji. It was nearing the end of the week, and your patience was thinning out. You felt anxious going to practice today and facing Yunho. He was so intimidating, even more than Mrs. Choi, and that wasn’t how it should be, right? He was your equal, he should treat you as much. His words from last week stuck with you, playing in your head on repeat.

You didn’t even have much of an appetite as of now, so you’d stuck to some cold macaroni salad.

Jeongin was sat next to you with Han, munching on their ham sandwiches. Minho and Felix were just across the table, telling your friends about their personal dance crew, and you would have been interested any other time but not today. Hyunjin was across you, on his third bottle of strawberry bottle, too invested in his conversation with Seungmin.

“And whatare you listening to for the past twenty minutes?” Jeongin asked, suddenly pulling your earbud out of your ear.

You snatched it back “It’s for class”

He glanced at your phone “You’ve been hearing the same song on repeat? How does that not drive you crazy?”

“You should hear the amount of times she plays it in the practice room” Hyunjin commented, and you glared up at him. He smirked at your distasteful reaction, before taking a swig of his drink.

“I can’t believe you guys stay back every night. Talk about being workaholics” Minho said.

“Make that perfectionists” Hyunjin corrected, and you couldn’t help but agree. You nodded, and grabbed your leftover strawberry milk, shoving your straw in it and bringing it to your lips.

“Um, no. Y/N is a workaholic” Yeji said “She barely got any sleep last night”

“I can tell by the bags under her eyes” Felix said, laughing.

“Can we talk about something else?” You said, running your hand through your hair. Give it to Yeji to cluelessly announce to everyone how insecure you were feeling about this class, especially around the boys who were already such perfect dancers.

“Yeah, like how you stay on campus till 1 am?” Han said, leaning forward “If it wasn’t for Minho walking you home, I’d feel so uncomfortable”

“What?” Minho said at the same time as you.

God, you knew you shouldn’t have lied to Han, especially not a lie that was so easy to catch. You just didn’t think they would actually spend their free time discussing your classes. Han looked at the visible confusion on Minho’s face and let out a groan.

“Do not tell me you’ve been walking home alone this entire week” Han said, irritation flashing in his eyes and you wanted to just crawl into your bed and sleep.

This conversation had quickly turned against you. Han was your best friend, and therefore he was certified to feel a certain protection over you. He’d berated you in the past for your behavior and you’d taken it all in light brotherly-like protectiveness.

You knew you’d never hear the end of it if he found out you’d come by yourself this whole week.

You tried to come up with an excuse good enough to appease the many hostile eyes on the table “Han, its not what you think, I-”

“She’s not been alone” Hyunjin interrupted you.

“What?” Han said, moving his gaze to Hyunjin now, along with the rest of your friends.

Hyunjin seemed relaxed, sitting back in his chair, sipping on his drink as everyone looked at him. What was he doing?

“I’ve been dropping her home” Hyunjin said, and you raised your eyebrows.

What?

“Seriously?” Jeongin asked, turning to you, and just like that, everybody’s eyes were on yours again. It felt like an interrogation. You stared at Hyunjin, trying to figure out why the hell he would lie for you, to his friends. Hyunjin’s face was unchanged, raising his brow slightly at you as if he hadn’t just done the most unpredictable and unexpected thing this year.

“Um, yeah” The words slipped your mouth, your brain protesting at actually going along with something Hyunjin came up with.

“Yeah, what?” Han asked.

“He’s been dropping me home” You said, clearing your throat and sitting up straighter “Hyunjin has been…”

“Wow” Yeji said, her eyes wide as she looked between the two of you.

“Yup” You said, trying to seem nonchalant “Thanks Hyunjin”

“There’s a combination of words I never thought I’d hear in this life” Han said “But, thanks I guess”

“You’re welcome, Jisung” Hyunjin said, smiling all too widely before chugging the rest of his strawberry milk.

“Now can we move onto talk about something else?” You said, and Yeji nodded, immediately jumping into conversation about what they did in class, rambling onto Minho and Felix who were still suspiciously staring at you and Hyunjin. After all, they weren’t dumb and they knew how their friend and how you felt for each other.

“I’m gonna get a refill” You spoke to Jeongin, and stood up, making your way across the cafeteria. You hopped through the aisles, trying to find what you needed, pushing your earbud back in to replay the song. You reached the counter which stacked all the beverages, and peered over all the drinks, trying to find your favorite brand of strawberry milk.

“Looking for this?”

You looked up to see Hyunjin next to you, holding the last carton in his hand. He was smirking, a black beanie pulled over his long hair, a mint green sweatshirt adorning his body and an annoying expression on his face.

You groaned, pausing the song “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?” He smiled, innocently, stepping closer to you.

“I mean clearly you came here for a reason. What was that back there? Why’d you defend me?” You asked, crossing your arms as you looked up at him.

“I came here for my favorite drink” He said simply.

“Is that the last one?”

“Yup” He smiled “Want it?”

“Not from you” You responded immediately, even though, of course you did.

“Too bad I got it first” He said, shrugging “Even if I hadn’t, you owe me for what I did for you back there, so…it’s mine”

You sighed, putting your head in your hands. You can’t believe you were arguing over a stupid 200ML strawberry drink with Hwang Hyunjin.

“Fine, take it” You said, and turned on your heel. Before you could leave, his hand reached out to grab you by the arm.

He turned you around “Aren’t you taking this too seriously?”

“What?” You scowled at the way he was towering over you, his hand on yours.

“This assignment. It’s just a partner routine. You’ve done that, what, a million times?” He said.

“If that was your way of trying to reassure me, you failed”

“I wasn’t trying to reassure you. I was just telling you that pulling all-nighters and listening to the song a hundred times won’t change the way you’re dancing, no matter how hard you try. Maybe you should take Yunho’s advice” He said, still smiling.

“Honestly, Hyunjin, fuck you”

»»————-

You pulled a sweatshirt over your loose t-shirt. You’d feel comfortable wearing something which didn’t hug your body, and you probably should have done that for the past week. You were supposed to meet Yunho after dinner at the studio, and you’d picked a later time than usual, so you’d be the only two in the studio. The thought made you anxious to be alone with him just as excited to be able to dance without being watched.

“Hyunjin will drop you home, right?” Yeji asked as you headed out of your apartment. She was already in her pajamas, a pink headband pulled over her hair and a charcoal face mask on. You wished you could be as relaxed as her right now, and just have a peaceful sleep.

“Yeah, he will” You said, even though you knew he wasn’t going to be at the studio today.

“Night, Yeji. Don’t stay up for me” You called out, grabbing the keys as you left.

The studio was only a ten-minute walk from your dorm, enough time for you to go over the song in your head a couple more times. You tucked your hands in your sweatshirt, humming it, visualizing the steps. You can’t remember the last time you prepared this much for a simple class assignment. Probably the pressure from just having joined college, and Yunho’s words from last night.

Be more passionate.

You swung open the door to the studio, seeing nobody there. You let out a silent sigh of relief, you’d wanted to reach before Yunho so he wouldn’t think of you as being tardy. You were grasping for any signs of appreciation and respect. You replayed the song again on your phone, tucking it into the pocket of your sweatpants as you faced the mirror.

Closing your eyes, you breathed in and out, trying to calm the anxiety bubbling within your stomach

You stretched your hands over your head, already regretting wearing two layers under the hot lighting, but well, the things girls do to have just a little more control over things.

After you finished stretching, you bent down, doing your usual warm up and then pulled yourself up again, your body feeling tense as ever despite your desperate attempts to calm it.

“You got this. It’s just Yunho, just another stupid boy. It’ll all be okay” You breathed. You tugged your hoodie off, just for now, throwing it next to you carelessly and continuing your routine.

“I was wondering why you’d ever wear that to dance” A voice spoke up and you jumped. You snapped open your eyes, spinning around to see Hyunjin at the back of the studio.

He was sitting cross-legged, hidden by the shadows, which was why you didn’t see him when you walked in, and he was looking up at you.

“What the hell, Hyunjin” You spoke, turning back around, trying to calm your frantic heart. You heard him laugh, echoing through the empty studio. You rolled your eyes, and stopped the song on your phone, to text and ask where Yunho was.

“I thought you weren’t going to show up” You mumbled, as you typed in your text.

“I wasn’t” Hyunjin said “But I changed my mind. How could I have let you have the studio all to yourself?”

Your gaze flicked to his in the reflection and he was grinning. Asshole.

“It’s not all to myself. My partner will be coming soon” You spoke brazenly.

“Ah, of course. Kim Yunho. Everybody’s favorite dancer” He spoke. You ignored him, and hit send, waiting for Yunho to reply and hopefully show up soon.

“Where is Mina, anyway? Finally got sick and tired of your bullshit?” You asked, looking up at him.

He let out a chuckle and said “You wish, but she’s just running late”

You turned back to the mirror, trying to focus on finishing your warm up. You couldn’t help but look at him in the mirror.

Why was he even here? After he’d told you take it easy?

“Why do you berate me for working hard, yet you show up here yourself?” You asked, more out of annoyance than curiosity.

He shrugged “That’s for me to know…and for you to never find out”

“Whatever” You said, throwing up the finger at him and he laughed again. Just then, the door opened and Yunho walked in. You smiled, at least he didn’t stand you up, and he said “Didn’t think you’d be here before me”

You tried to not take that in the bad way and shrugged “I’m full of surprises”

Hyunjin scoffed at that, but you ignored him. Yunho threw his bag down, coming to stand next to you “I ran here so I already did my warm up. We can get started right away”

“Perfect” You smiled, and reached down to wear your hoodie again. Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at that. It was fucking hot, why would you do that after you’d just taken it off?

“You going to dance in that?” Yunho asked, as you slipped your arms through it.

“Yup” You said, pulling it over your head, and adjusting your hair.

“Lol, that’s quite unsexy” Yunho said. Did he just say ‘lol’ in real life?

“I don’t come here to be sexy” You replied curtly, coming to stand before him in your starting position.

“Clearly” Hyunjin muttered and you shot him another glare through the mirror. He was like an annoying child who followed you around everywhere. You wish Mina showed up soon so he would stop speaking.

Hyunjin sat back down, choosing to send memes to his friends while waiting for his partner. He couldn’t understand why you were working yourself this hard, especially for Yunho’s approval. You were never going to get it anyway, even if you were the best dancer in the universe. Yunho was just that sort of person, he wished you stopped trying to appease him.

He couldn’t help but watch you do the routine, doing the same mistakes you always did, and Hyunjin wondered why you were so uncomfortable around your partner. Yunho was bit of a dick sure, but only when he opened his mouth. He could see your face in the mirror, trying to compose yourself, and he knew that’s not how you looked when you were dancing, or enjoying yourself. He’d seen you dance all his life, so he knew every bit of how you were, when you did enjoy. Hyunjin kept his phone down, watching you go over the routine more carefully.

Why were you so stiff?

The song began again, and Yunho wrapped his arms around you and Hyunjin noticed your face scrunch up, as if visibly tensed.

Then he noticed the way Yunho’s hands lingered way too close to your chest, and not your stomach where they were supposed to be. His right hand cupped the underside of your breast, and that was obviously not in the choreography. Hyunjin expected you to say something, voice your obvious discomfort, but you were going on with the routine.

When the time came to drop you, Yunho was holding your right leg, his hand grazing your inner thigh. What was he doing?

Hyunjin had danced all his life, doing every kind of drop there was - yet he’d never touched a girl like that, especially not someone he just met a week ago. Yunho was touching you as if he was caressing your inner thigh, and not holding you in the position he was supposed to.

When you came back up, your eyebrows were furrowed, and Hyunjin’s eyes met your tense ones for a second, and he understood what was wrong all this time.

Yunho was an even bigger asshole than he’d thought.

You were clearly uncomfortable with him.

The routine was ending, and he lifted you up, your arms going above your head and just when he placed you down, he noticed the way Yunho pressed up against you, your butt pressed up against him.

God, what a dick.

You immediately moved away when the music stopped, like you had done every time and Hyunjin felt stupid for having not noticed all this before. Was this going on the whole time? Is that why you were so pissed all the time? Well, more pissed than usual. Is that why you usually danced in the tightest top ever, but chose to wear a ridiculously baggy sweatshirt today?

Well, the change of clothes certainly didn’t change Yunho’s behavior.

“God, Y/N. You’re like a stick, so freaking stiff” Yunho voiced and Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel angry. He would be the last person to defend you, but the way he was talking to you was not it. He could feel the way you turned into yourself under Yunho’s stare, backing up, a frustrated look on your face.

You’d stayed up this entire week for this dance, practicing more than you ever had, and Yunho couldn’t see that, or chose not to.

“Yunho, I just feel uncomfortable, okay?” You said.

“Why the hell do you feel uncomfortable? Is it cause this guy’s in here?” Yunho said, turning to Hyunjin suddenly.

“No, it’s not” You said.

“Maybe you’d feel freer, and more comfortable to express yourself if he leaves” Yunho suggested, making you tense up. Knowing Hyunjin, he would take any opportunity to walk away from you, but right now, you really did not want to be alone here.

“So, Hyunjin, bro. Can you leave?” Yunho asked, turning to him, his hands on his hips.

Hyunjin raised his eyebrows. What was this dude’s problem? Did he think Hyunjin was so dumb as to leave him alone with you after what he just saw?

“I think I’m fine here, but thanks” Hyunjin replied, shooting him a forced smile. He noticed your eyes widen, clearly not expecting that, and he saw the way your shoulders sagged in relief. Hyunjin didn’t like you, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave you in this situation.

“Whatever” Yunho said, turning back to Y/N “Can we go again?”

“Can we take a break?” You asked “I’m trying to be as comfortable as I can be, but can you just stick to the choreography?”

“What?” Yunho asked “Are you saying I did the wrong steps?”

“No, I’m saying maybe you’re getting too close, and I don’t know you well enough to be okay with that”

Hyunjin watched your exchange, surprised that you were finally speaking up for yourself. You were just as surprised, you weren’t one to take someone’s bullshit ever, but Yunho made you feel like you were lacking and were the problem all along. You finally felt that you weren’t, and maybe it was the fact that you weren’t in the room alone, which gave you the courage to speak up.

“Too close? This is a couple routine, what do you want me to do, stand five feet away?” Yunho scoffed, laughing.

“I’m just saying, don’t touch me where it’s not needed or necessary”

“Then where would the emotion come from?” Yunho asked “Clearly not from you”

You let out a deep breath, running your hands over your face “Can we have a minute? I need a break”

“Fine. Take all the time you need, princess” Yunho rolled his eyes,

Just then, Hyunjin’s phone dinged and he opened it to check a message from Mina. Her roommate had just gotten into an emergency, so she wouldn’t be able to show up.

He looked up as you grabbed your water bottle, and headed out, leaving the room. Yunho let out a groan and turned to Hyunjin “Girls are such bitches”

“Yeah” Hyunjin responded, grabbing his stuff before heading out.

When he pushed open the door, you were stood in the open air, trying to breathe and your shoulders tensed as you heard the door open.

“Yunho, I told you I need a minute”

“It’s me” Hyunjin said.

“Oh” You said, turning back to see him. He was wearing his jacket again, and had his bag slung over his shoulder. He was leaving?

You didn’t want to go back in alone.

“Mina isn’t coming?” You asked, your voice catching in your throat. You felt like crying.

Hyunjin noticed the way your voice cracked, and as much as he would have enjoyed teasing you for it any other day, he couldn’t help but feel pissed at Yunho for being such an A-grade asshole.

“No, she had to cancel” He responded.

“Oh” You said, disappointment coursing through you. You didn’t want him to go. At least when he was there, Yunho couldn’t do anything and you felt a little more at ease. But you couldn’t ask Hyunjin to stay, for you, especially.

You two weren’t even friends, he hated you as far as you remember, and that would be too big of a favor to owe him.

“So, you coming?” Hyunjin asked.

“What?” You asked, looking up at him.

He turned and revealed your bag, which he was holding in his other hand “You coming or do you want to go back in and spend time with Kim Yunho?”

You couldn’t believe he brought your stuff out. You hadn’t even asked him to.

“Should I just…leave?” You asked, wringing your hands together “Won’t he be waiting for me to come back?”

Hyunjin laughed “That’s the best part”

»»————-

You couldn’t believe the situation you were in, as you walked alongside Hyunjin back to your dorm. He was quiet, and humming softly as you thought over everything that just went down.

“So, has Yunho always been a dick to you?” He asked.

You looked up at him, and he was looking straight ahead but you answered “I mean, I’ve known him a week so yeah, always”

“Why didn’t you tell someone? Mrs. Choi I’m sure would be delighted to hear what her prestigious student is like after hours”

“I’m not a tattletale” You replied simply “I’m an adult, I can deal with it”

“Yeah, sure Y/N.” He said, and you reached the crossroads that separated into the two parts of campus, one where he lived with Minho, and the other road which led to your and Yeji’s apartment. You expected him to turn, but he continued walking with you, in the direction completely opposite to his place.

“What are you doing?” You asked.

“Walking you home” He said “Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing anyway? All your friends seem to think so”

“You don’t have to do that” You said, staring down at your feet on the cobblestone as you walked. This felt so awkward, and forced. You didn’t need him to pity you.

“I’m not doing that for you” He shrugged, pushing his earphones in as he played some song on his phone, ignoring your presence “I needed the walk anyway”

You tried to stifle a smile at his words, but failed.

»»————-

The next morning, you woke up to Yeji jumping onto your bed. You groaned, pulling your covers over your head.

“I barely got sleep, Yeji” You mumbled, from under the blanket.

“Yeah cause you were too busy walking home with your mortal enemy?” She asked and you pulled down the covers to look at her.

“How do you know that?”

“I saw you from the window. That was the most awkward goodbye I’ve ever seen” She said and you threw your pillow at her.

“Shut up”

“Why did he even do that? I thought he couldn’t stand you” She wondered aloud. You had the same question, but you didn’t want to think much of it.

Your phone suddenly pinged, and you groaned, picking it up. You hope it wasn’t Yunho, he probably had an earful to say after you ditched him last night.

You immediately sat up, clutching the blanket to your chest as you unlocked your phone. It wasn’t Yunho. It was Mrs. Choi.

Why was she texting you?

Oh god, did Yunho tell her what you did, and that you were a terrible person who didn’t know how to dance and that it was probably a bad idea to take you into this university? She probably was going to scold you, or yell at you for not committing to the task.

“What is it?” Yeji asked, peering over your screen.

“It’s a text from my teacher” You spoke, your heart already falling as you opened up her text.

Your eyes widened in confusion at what it said.

“Good Morning, Y/N. Hope you had a good morning. I don’t usually allow this, but he was very persuasive and convincing. :) Just wanted to confirm that your new partner for the assignment and the rest of the semester will be Mr. Hwang Hyunjin. Have a nice day!”

»»————-

⇐ masterlist ⇒

taglist: @caratinylyfe @peachy-maia @lemmonhood

Your head was spinning and it didn’t seem that is going to stop any time soon. You leaned on your car, messing with your hair, trying to catch your breath.

What had just happened?

You were trying your best to calm yourself down but it was impossible. You and Jisung had just… kissed. No, that wasn’t right. You kissed Jisung. He simply reciprocated the gesture.

But how couldn’t you do it? He was right there, his face moving closer to yours the more he spoke, words that carried so much meaning and intention that you couldn’t help but melt into their worth. He liked you. And he said it, word for word.

And yet, why was it so hard for you to believe it?

You sighed, the small raindrops bringing you back to reality. You knew why it was so hard for you to believe in it. Because deep down, you had tried so hard to convince yourself that your feelings for Jisung would never be reciprocated, that you tried to deny yourself the ability to love him ever again.

“Crap,” you whispered in the dark of the night, as the rain seemed to grow stronger, soaking your hair in the process. It didn’t matter, though. Your feet seemed to be glued to the ground unable to move, your heart still jumping off of your chest.

The more the scene replayed in your mind, the clearer everything got: you still liked him. After all these years, you were still in love with Han Jisung.

Then what had changed? What had changed that now he liked you when three years ago he couldn’t even say it to your face? A part of you wanted to drive away and never think of this ever again. A part of you wanted to pretend this kiss had never happened. But it did. And with it came the fire that had never stopped burning, the desire that had only been buried, never dissipated. It was exhausting to fight it. Why were you still fighting it?

You licked your lips, the rain unable to wash away the truth of it all.

You were afraid. Afraid to give away your heart to him, only for him to shatter it, to destroy it yet again. You were afraid that the past would repeat itself. But you couldn’t continue to run away from it. If you wanted the past to not repeat itself, then you had to do something different.

You had to face your fears.

Leaning away from your car, you took short and slow steps towards the stairs that would lead you back into the beach. The sound of the waves in the distance, the rain that poured, everything sounded more intense than it should. You had to keep fighting that side of you that wanted to escape, run away. Wasn’t it easy to not know the answers? Wasn’t it easy to create them instead?

It was easier, yes. But it wasn’t real. You had to stop living in your head. It hadn’t gotten you very far when it came to heart matters.

You stopped, your eyes finding Jisung as he climbed up the stairs, a dreamy look on his face.

He hasn’t seen me yet, you thought. I could turn around and…

He looked up and found you, your heart falling to your stomach. You gulped, as the lights that illuminated the stairs cast shadows on his face. Still, you could see that his smile had faded, a concerned expression now followed.

“Y/N-”

“Why now?” you asked, not letting him finish. “What changed? What made you… say those things to me tonight?”

His lips parted and he climbed the stairs quickly to reach your side. Just like you, his hair was soaked in rain, the black t-shirt he was wearing glued to his torso. You gulped and he shook his head.

“I don’t know…” he started, confused. “But I meant everything I said, Y/N. I really like you and-”

“Then why didn’t you say anything back then? Why did you ignore me?” you were trying your best not to cry but you couldn’t prevent the tears from falling. Every defence, every wall, every attempt at keeping your emotions at bay was crumbling right in front of your eyes. “A no was sufficient, Jisung! You-”

“You wrote me the letter, didn’t you?” this time he was the one that interrupted you. You weren’t the only one who was devastated. “In high school. The one about how in love you were with me. It was you, wasn’t it?”

You stood there, looking into his eyes, as he moved closer to you. You leaned on the stair handrail and gulped. What was he talking about? Of course, you had written that letter. Everything you ever felt toward him, everything you ever wished, you had written on it. An honest love confession. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jisung remained there, a small distance between you. He sighed and messed his hair, small raindrops jumping around.

“I didn’t know,” he started, defeated. “When Jiwoo gave me the letter, I thought it was hers, she told me it was hers,”

“And you liked her,” you said out loud, remembering the way Jisung used to look at her. It was a painful memory but you had to deal with it now. Rip the bandaid once and for all.

“I did,” he confirmed and sighed, leaning next to you. The rain was becoming heavy and your bones were just as cold and your skin. You moved closer to Jisung, trying to keep yourself warm. “I’m so sorry, Y/N,”

You knew he meant it. However, he wasn’t the only one who had to apologize. You also owed him an apology. You were the one that pushed him away all those years ago, the one that never talked to him about this until now.

“I’m… sorry too,” you started, removing the hair from your face. “I… poured everything into that letter, you know?” you chuckled, getting the same butterflies in your stomach you did when you first wrote it. “Jiwoo gave me the idea. She would be my wing woman. She had been so nice to me up until that point, I had no reason to doubt her intentions,”

Jisung tried to get close to you but you placed a hand between you, his eyes looking at you in a pleading manner. You shook your head, a defeated expression taking over him.

“But then, I never received an answer from you. And what was worse is that two weeks later you were dating her. It broke me so much,”

It had been one of the most painful things you ever had to witness. Seeing the guy you loved with one of the people you trusted the most at the time. You had confided in Jiwoo everything: your feelings, your worries, you had trusted her. And she betrayed you like that. You were never the same after then.

“I trusted her,” you said, raising your head to look at him, “when I should’ve trusted you instead. I should’ve been the one to give you the letter, to let you know how I felt. I doubt it would change the way you felt about her, but…”

Jisung nodded and caressed your cheek, your hand finding his. You wanted to lift it, to seize all contact with him. And yet, all you could was look him in the eyes and watch as he moved closer to you, his lips planting a soft kiss on your forehead, his arms wrapping around your shoulders.

“She deceived us both,” he concluded, and you nodded with your eyes closed. “She should’ve been honest as well… Do you know why she… lied?”

You gulped and shook your head. The same way you had stopped talking with Jisung, you had avoided spending time with Jiwoo as much as possible. You had avoided confrontation all these years, afraid of what she might say to you. She always had the upper hand, after you had shared everything with her. You knew little to nothing about her, and maybe that was part of the problem. You gave too much away for little or nothing in return.

“I should talk to her about it,” you announced, your hand finding Jisung’s cheek. He smiled and shook his head. You raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I think we should do it together, Y/N. This is about us, after all,”

Us. Such a simple word that caused your heart to skip a beat. The meaning, the implications it carried, were just like the rain that kept on falling.

Your lips parted slightly, a sigh escaping them. As much as you liked the sound of that, part of you was extremely conflicted about what had happened. After all, you thought you liked Hyunjin. But you weren’t so sure right now. Because the more you stared at Jisung, the more your eyes looked into his, the more you felt like you couldn’t deny this feeling.

You wanted him as much as he wanted you. And yet, it didn’t feel right. Not right now. Not tonight. Not when so many questions and concerns challenged you, defied your reality.

“I’ll think about it,” you said, and gulped. You felt Jisung’s arms let go of your waist. “And… you should think about it too. Your sponsorship, that is. There’s a lot on the line, Jisung,”

You could see how your words had caused an impact on him. He gulped, a small smile on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes. You looked away from him and started to walk towards your car.

“So what does this mean? What are you saying, exactly?” he screamed and you turned around to find him looking at you, confused.

“I need to think. About this, about… us. I need to think. Jisung,” you shook your head and took a few steps closer to him, “I liked you, a lot. And maybe I still do. I don’t know that. But what I do know is that I am terrified about all of this. Because I gave you my heart once and it got broken. Who’s to say that it won’t happen again?”

“It was a lie, Y/N!” he spoke, and you could hear his steps behind you. “It was a lie, I-”

“Lie or no lie, you would’ve broken it either way,” you opened your car door and sat on the driver’s seat. “You didn’t like me back then, I know that. And how you fell for me now… it all happened because of her. Because you wanted her. How can I be so sure I am really the one you want now?”

Jisung gulped, the pain in his eyes being too much for you to look at them. You closed the car door and turned on the engine and drove away, going back to your empty apartment with your head filled with loud thoughts.

It was the first time in a while you were driving yourself to campus. You had grown so accustomed to having Jisung with you, the mixtape you two created blasting through the speakers, your smiles and laughs always a highlight to your day.

This morning, however, everything was different. The events of the previous day had changed you. There were more questions than answers. There was a lot more confusion than clarity. There was a whirlwind of feelings inside of you that didn’t make sense.

Did you or did you not like Jisung? You spent your entire night thinking about that. The truth is, you had kissed him. And it clearly meant something to you. Was it for old times sake? The culmination of a past wish you wanted to see come true? Or was it the current version of you that couldn’t resist the urge of feeling his lips on yours, the desire to be his slowly coming back to you?

What was this? All it took was one word, one look, for your entire defences to collapse. All it took was him and his words for you to be a conflicted mess, alone with your thoughts, unable to bring some sense into it.

You parked your car at your usual spot, turning off the engine and looking around, making sure Jisung hadn’t gotten here yet. You weren’t sure how you’d react when you saw him. Part of you wanted to kiss him again, the butterflies coming back to you every time you thought about it. And then there was the other part of you that wanted to avoid him, not see him, pretend it had never happened.

“Good morning,” Eunbi greeted you with a wide smile. You turned to look at her and her expression changed, a sombre look taking over her face. “Didn’t get any sleep?”

“I kissed Jisung,” that was the first thing you could say to her. You couldn’t keep it in any longer, you had to share it with someone. “It happened and I… I don’t know how to feel. Part of me clearly liked it more than I should admit but the other part of me is telling me this is a big mistake, that I should just move on and pretend it never happened,”

Eunbi just stood there, lips parted looking at you. She blinked slowly and you sighed, glancing to the side. That’s when you noticed that Chan was also there, worried. He gulped.

“Did you know about this?” Eunbi asked him, and he messed his hair.

“I… Yeah,” he ended up admitting. “But I couldn’t tell you, babe. Seungmin asked me not to talk about it…”

“Don’t babe me,” Eunbi crossed her arms and studied the expression of her boyfriend, the regret on his face. She sighed and turned to face him. “Now I am asking you not to mention anything you just heard to them, ok? Also, why does Seungmin know?”

“That I don’t know,” he shrugged and glanced at you and then back at Eunbi. “I will take this as my cue to leave. I’ll see you around campus,” he kissed Eunbi’s forehead and walked away, waving at you.

“Y/N… what the hell happened?” Eunbi turned to look at you, slapping you on your shoulder. “You kissed Jisung?! Since when are you into him? Weren’t you over him and into Hyunjin? What the-”

“Before you scream at me and tell me how you were right and that this is me playing with fire, I have already beaten myself up for this, okay? I know it was a mistake but I just could not not do it, Eunbi,”

You sighed and the two of you started to walk side by side, to your locker room.

“What could be so significant that you couldn’t keep your lips away from his?! Y/N, we’re talking about Jisung here!! Have you forgotten how you spent weeks crying about him after seeing him and Jiwoo together? Have you-”

“He told me he likes me,” you took a deep breath and massaged your temples, everything from last night coming back to you in full force. “I assume I got caught up in the moment and all those feelings that I thought were gone… Eunbi, what if I am… still in love with him?”

Eunbi glanced at you, her eyes studying your face. She shook her head and stopped you, her hand resting on your shoulder.

“You need to face the truth, Y/N,” she chuckled. “This wasn’t just a kiss, not to him and certainly not to you. He really likes you?” you nodded slowly, a shy smile appearing on your face.

“But it’s too much, too fast. First, it was Hyunjin and Kat, then I lost my job, then Jisung told me he might go away for three weeks, told me he liked me and I… kissed him,” you shook your head. “I probably just got caught up in the moment, you know? I felt rejected by one guy and then he said he liked me and I just… kissed him. That’s… probably it,”

Once again, there were you trying to explain your emotions in a logical manner, to find a narrative for what just happened. You continued to walk but Eunbi remained on the same spot. You turned around to find her with her arms crossed, an unpleasant look on her face.

“It’s not your style to jump on the first guy that confesses to you after you got your heart broken. Don’t try to find an explanation for this. Remember the whole ‘I should step out of my head’ thing you were trying out?” you chuckled and nodded. “Do it. Ask for the truth. You know where Jisung stands about you but you haven’t talked to Hyunjin about what happened, have you?”

“I haven’t, bu-”

“No buts, Y/N. Get everyone’s perspective and see how that makes you feel. If being rejected by Hyunjin breaks your heart and crushes you the same way Jisung did, then maybe you kissed him because you got caught up in the moment,”

“And if it doesn’t?”

Eunbi gave you a reassuring smile. “You’ll know what to do,”

She walked closer to you, an eyebrow raised as she passed by you. She turned around and looked at you from head to toe.

“Did you ask him about the letter?” you nodded. “What was his excuse?”

“He didn’t know it was me,” you admitted and sighed, fixing the bag on your shoulder. “Jiwoo gave him the letter as being hers, I was never in the picture. That’s why he never said anything. He didn’t know, Eunbi. And now… he wants us to talk to Jiwoo about it. Together. All of this time, I thought he was just… indifferent when he was just oblivious to everything,”

“Oh,” Eunbi gulped, a guilty look on her face. “So, all this time… we were wrong?”

“We were,” you gave her a sympathetic smile. “I guess it’s what happens when you get too much in your head, right? You make the wrong conclusions about the most simple and obvious things.”

Jisung laid in his bed, eyes staring up at the blank ceiling. How did things get even messier than before? One moment, he was at the top of the world, ready to scream your name to the clouds, the stars, the universe. The next, he was crushed by the realisation of how long your past had been tormenting you, partially because of him. You had loved him. You had given him your all. And he was extremely blind to see it.

He sighed in frustration, throwing one of the pillows to the door of his room causing a small impact noise that in nothing reflected the impact this had caused on him. Part of him was relieved that you knew the truth, that it was out there for you to carry, for both of you to share. The other was devastated that the truth that had brought him some peace of mind was the same truth that was tormenting you right now.

“Do you want some soup?” Seungmin asked after knocking on his bedroom door, his face peeking in. “You look terrible, dude,”

“Just leave me alone, please,” Jisung requested but he heard the bedroom door open, and Seungmin walking in, sitting at the end of his bed.

“Stop with the pity party. You’ve done this with Jiwoo, don’t do this with Y/N too,”

Jisung sat on his bed, furious at Seungmin. How could he say it so bluntly?

“I’m not throwing myself a pity party,”

“You are,” Seungmin crossed his arms.

“I’m not!” Jisung sighed. “I just… I have a lot on my mind right now, okay?! And…” Jisung pursed his lips and blinked, looking away from Seungmin, “I am not in the mood for your sarcasm,”

“Well,” Seungmin stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, “you have someone waiting for you in the living room who you might want to meet with,”

Jisung glanced at his friend who shrugged and left his room, closing the door behind him. The only person Jisung wanted to see right now was you. However, he knew you wouldn’t be the one meeting him, you had made it very clear that you needed some time to think, and Jisung was going to give you that time because he knew how important it was for you to realise things on your own.

Still, he was curious about who this could be. He got up from his bed and changed to something better than his pity party clothes. He sighed. After all, Seungmin was right, Jisung was throwing himself a pity party. He had to unlearn this.

He opened the door to find Chan sitting on the couch. Jisung smiled and walked closer to his friend, not understanding why he looked so serious. And then Jisung’s smile faded when he noticed who was sitting next to him.

“Eunbi?” he greeted, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

She gulped and looked at Jisung. He raised an eyebrow, noticing how Eunbi didn’t look at him in the harsh, bothersome way as always. She looked at him with sympathy and concern.

“I came to talk to you,” she said and stood up from the couch, fixing her skirt. She nodded to Chan who stood up and smiled at her.

“I’ll be with Seungmin if you need me,” he placed a kiss on her cheek and walked away, closing the door of Seungmin’s room.

She sighed and looked at Jisung. “Y/N doesn’t know I am here and for the time being, I’d like to keep it that way,” she started and the two of them sat down across from each other.

“How is she doing?” Jisung asked, worry in his voice.

“She’s… struggling a lot,” Eunbi studied Jisung’s expression. “I assume you are too,”

Jisung nodded and gulped. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, Eunbi. I just wanted to be honest with her about my feelings…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Jisung. I… believe you,” Eunbi cleared her throat. “I came to apologise to you. I’m sorry,”

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused.

“When she wrote you that letter and you didn’t answer, she was… devastated. And at the time, she was recovering, you know? I mean, we all get our hearts broken sooner or later,” she started, her voice failing her. “She is strong, but… when she told me that you were dating Jiwoo… that was one of the hardest things she ever had to go through,”

Jisung gulped and collapsed in his place, the words trailing off from his mind to somewhere else. He had been the one to break your heart in the first place. He had been the one to put you through pain, unknowingly. And yet, he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. Guilty about the way he acted back then, blinded by love and desire, blinded by wanting to be loved by the one he loved at the time.

“We can’t change the past, Jisung. There’s no need to keep fighting over what you should or shouldn’t have done,” Eunbi continued and sighed, standing up from the couch and walking around. “I have been treating you badly because, in my head, you were always the bad guy. How come you didn’t say anything? How come you started dating Jiwoo? And I allowed my personal feelings to get involved. I allowed my experiences to dictate how Y/N should go about her own struggles,”

“I didn’t know,” was all Jisung could say. This was the only thing he could think about, a loop in his mind.“I mean, I found it strange that Y/N cut all communication with me but… I didn’t read too much into it. I thought she was giving me space or something,”

Suddenly, a concerning thought crossed Jisung’s mind. He stood up from the couch and paced around the living room, Eunbi doing the same. He was sure there was more than she had to tell him but for some reason, she was stopping herself from doing so.

“Do you think she’ll do it again? Stop… talking to me?” he whispered, afraid that by pronouncing those words, it would become a reality. “I will give her the space she needs but… I can’t see my life without her,” he sighed. “Everything I go through, every high and every low, she’s the one person I want to share it with. Not Jiwoo, not my friends, it’s her, Eunbi,”

She’s the fire that fuels me, was what he wanted to say out loud. But a confession as blunt as this one, a feeling as deep as this one, it was something worth sharing with you and you only. And he hoped that eventually, he could do it. Because he was sure that forgetting you wasn’t going to be easy, especially when you were everywhere in his mind.

Eunbi turned around and looked at him, studying his face. As your best friend, Jisung knew how personally Eunbi was taking all of this, how she felt about him, how she made sure you were the last one to get hurt.

“That’s why you suggested you’d talk to Jiwoo together about this matter? Are you sure you’re up for it?” that sounded like a warning. Jisung gulped and slowly nodded.

“Y/N is worried that I still have feelings for Jiwoo. I can’t blame her. If we’re here, is because of her…”

There was no denying that because it was true. If it wasn’t for Jisung wanting to get Jiwoo back, he would’ve never got to know you the way he did, he would’ve never fallen for you the way he did.

“Do you,” Eunbi asked, crossing her arms, “still have feelings for her?”

“No,” that was the only thing Jisung was sure of. “What Jiwoo and I had is over. The chapter is closed, I’ve moved on and so did she.”

“I believe you,” Eunbi said and cleared her throat, moving closer to Jisung. “But that’s not why I asked you this,”

Jisung raised an eyebrow. “Then why is it?”

Eunbi pursed her lips and gulped, eyes meeting Jisung’s. “What broke Y/N the most was not just the fact that you had started dating the only person she knew and trusted when she moved. What broke her the most was seeing you with someone who represented those who refused to accept her, to see her as an equal.”

“What do you mean?” Jisung asked, confused. "

“They’re family, Jisung. Jiwoo and Y/N are… they’re cousins.”

You sat alone in the library, going over some of your notes from the classes you had this morning. It was strange to be in a routine that felt unknown and familiar to you at the same time. You enjoyed the quiet of this place, especially when your mind grew louder. It gave your thoughts some room to breathe.

You unlocked your phone, scrolling through the songs on your playlist, letting your mind wander until you were brought back to reality by the photographs in your phone gallery. You weren’t sure how you got there but it didn’t take long for you to understand why you had gone there.

As you scrolled through the pictures, you found the common denominator in all of them: Jisung. Either smiling, making funny faces or eating, he was always there, looking at the camera, looking through the camera, looking at you.

It had been nice, hadn’t it? All of these memories, all of these fake dates, they all had some truth to them, didn’t they? And the more you scrolled back and forth, the more you noticed how his expression had changed when looking at the camera. He had become vulnerable, real with you. His feelings, his eyes… it was all there. How come you never saw it before?

You gulped and locked your phone, throwing it to the table in front of you. It hadn’t been a full day yet and your mind wasn’t giving you any rest. Still, you knew you’d have to talk to him sooner or later. You had asked him for time and knowing Jisung the way you did, he’d give you that. You just weren’t sure if time was the only thing you needed.

Looking at the time on your phone, you decided to leave the library and drive home. There was a lot you had to solve and you had to start somewhere. You smiled, as you shoved your notebooks and pencil case inside of your bag, thinking about what Jisung had told you last night. His advice was valuable and you were going to try it out.

You left the library, stopping by the vending machine to get a quick snack. You glanced over the different varieties, disappointed that your favourite was gone. You opened your wallet, looking for some change to buy something.

“You know, I could give you mine…” you quickly looked to the side to find Hyunjin leaning on the vending machine, a small package hanging in his hand. “If you want to, of course,”

“You think I’d say no to these vending machine chocolate waffles?” you teased and smiled at him. “Thank you,”

He gave you the package and you opened it, extending it his way. He took a small piece and afterwards you took a small bite.

“I was going to meet you at the library,” he announced, “but then I saw you leaving so I decided to wait here by the vending machine…”

“I guess some things never change,” you responded and the two of you started to walk away from the vending machine, out of the building.

“I’ve heard what happened,” Hyunjin said and your heart jumped out of your chest. Did he know what happened between you and Jisung?

You gulped. “What do you mean?”

“I know how much you liked it,” your eyes widened in shock. You blinked and he patted you on the shoulder. “It’s ok, I’m sure you’ll get other opportunities,”

You shook your head. “I’m not following, Hyunjin. What are you talking about, exactly?”

“Your position at the university newspaper,” he clarified, studying your face, his eyes going over your features. You looked away from him and sighed in relief.

“Yes, that was… unexpected,” you admitted, eating some more of your snack.

“How are you? About all of this,”

“I’m just… doing my best to get a job that can help me pay the tuition. Otherwise, I’d have to leave,” you omitted part of the truth.

You glanced at Hyunjin who walked with you through the campus garden towards the parking lot. Why was it so hard for you to open to him? With Jisung… it was simple, easy even. But with him… you never allowed yourself to let down your walls.

“I’m sure you’ll find something in no time,” he tried to comfort you, patting your shoulder lightly. “If you need anything, just let me know,”

You thanked him and smiled, fixing the hair behind your ear. You finished eating your snack and for a while, the two of you walked in silence. Today was not as cold as the day before but the wind certainly remained.

“So… you only came to meet me at the library to give me a snack?” you asked, studying his expression. He chuckled and cleared his throat.

“Actually, I… wanted to ask you out,” you stopped walking and Hyunjin slowly turned to look at you.

“Oh,” you answered, confused. “Why, though? I thought that after last time…”

“I wouldn’t want to do it again?” you nodded, your cheeks blushing slightly. He laughed and you saw as his expression melted into concern. “Was it that bad?”

“Well,” you crossed your arms, “I was pretty confused the entire time. Firstly, you asked me about Jisung, then you introduced me to Kat who you apparently have a great relationship with, not to mention that whole question of whether or not we are just friends or something more. So, yeah, it wasn’t bad but it certainly wasn’t great either,”

You regretted those words as soon as they came out of your mouth. You gulped, looking away from him, hoping that the ground would swallow you so you didn’t have to deal with this situation. You may be going through your fair share of problems but Hyunjin is not the one to blame, especially when you don’t allow yourself to share them with him.

“I’m sorry,” you quickly apologized, hiding your face in your palms, “I’m just… extremely confused about everything that has been happening lately,” you took a deep breath and looked at him. He nodded and sighed.

“You’re right, it was pretty awkward,” he let out a laugh and you felt yourself relaxing. “That’s why I want to do it again. This time, differently. Are you free this Friday?”

“Weren’t you supposed to hang out with Kat?” you asked, remembering the exchange they had at Bennie’s. He shook his head.

“No…” he raised an eyebrow. “You certainly pay attention to everything, don’t you?”

You rolled your eyes.

“It comes with the job. Although according to my supervisor, I am not that great at it, so take what you will with that information,” you smiled at him, happy that you two were chatting like usual.

“Well, I am sure you can only get better,” he sighed and glanced at you, expectantly. “So… Friday?”

“I’m available, yes. What should I expect this time?”

He smiled, his eyes looking into yours, causing your heart to skip a beat. How strange was it to look into his eyes but wishing to be looking into someone else’s instead. This kind of intimacy was something you didn’t know could be so special until now.

“A full-on date,” he stated, satisfied.

“Sounds good!” you answered, smiling. “I guess, you’ll text me the details?”

He nodded, his smile widening. “I will. And let me come to pick you up. You won’t need to drive this time,”

“Okay,” you reluctantly answered. “I’ll be waiting for you,”

“Great!” he looked at his watch and pouted. “I… have to go. I’ll see you around,”

“See you,” you waved him goodbye and watched him walk away, his back turned on you.

Eunbi was right, you needed to know how Hyunjin felt about you and you had to be honest with him. But you weren’t sure what this honesty would be like.

Would it be about how you were in love with? Or was it about the fact that maybe you had fallen for someone else, that your heart was not in the same place as it was?

Right now, you weren’t sure. But soon enough, you knew you’d have the answer. Only if you allowed yourself to feel.