GOT7 FICS

As Jinyoung stands before his mirror, towel draped carefully over his shoulders, he thinks of Jaebum. He reminisces of the nights spent on old mattresses, nights filled with laughter and love. He recalls the shitty apartment Jaebum calls home. The apartment he calls home.

Called home.

Jinyoung drags his fingers carefully over wet, flushed skin and imagines it's Jaebum touching him. He tries to remember the smell of Jaebum's skin, but he can't recall the brand of cologne Jaebum likes. That Jinyoung likes.

Liked.

Jinyoung heaves a long sigh, palm sliding flat down his stomach. He hesitates watching his naked form in the mirror. He feels different, no longer the teen who loved music and dance, who would have given anything for it.

For Jaebum.

Jinyoung doesn't realise he's crying until he focuses on his face. The tears roll down his cheeks and drip from his chin. He wishes he could believe it was water from his hair, but his chest shudders and his lip trembles and he's lost. He can't remember why he left, why he gave up his passions, his love. He misses Jaebum. He wishes he hadn't started the argument.

He wishes he hadn't packed his bags.

He wishes he hadn't said goodbye.

Jinyoung knows he can't change the past, but it doesn't stop him from trying to imagine a different future— present. Jinyoung hates his job, but the money is good. His coworkers are pleasant, Mark, Jackson and especially Youngjae, but nothing quite fills the void left by Im Jaebum. Jinyoung, for the past seven years, has never felt the comfort of Jaebum's apartment, his clothes, him. It sends a sharp ache throughout Jinyoung's body, and it resembles something like love, pain, and loneliness. It's like a chill he can't quite shake, that lingers, catching him in moments like this. Alone and defenceless. He never calls, though, too ashamed and stubborn. When he looks back to his hands, he wonders if Jaebum has moved on. Has Jaebum found someone new? Has he fallen in love and forgotten Jinyoung ever existed? Does Jaebum lie awake thinking of Jinyoung, like Jinyoung does about him? Part of him hopes yes, Jaebum misses him just as much as he misses Jaebum, but that part is greedy and selfish. The rest of Jinyoung hopes Jaebum is happy, and if it means he's with someone else, then that's okay. Because Jaebum is happy and that's all Jinyoung wants.

Jinyoung knows he was just getting out, that he had no future there, but he thinks maybe he’d have a future with Jaebum. He wonders if Jaebum had a future that involved Jinyoung, but Jinyoung ripped it from his hands. Jinyoung remembers saying: “I need something better”, but he doesn’t think this is better. If anything, he is stuck in more of a rut than he was with Jaebum, but at least he has money and a cat. A cat that reminds him of Nora, and sometimes when he closes his eyes and listens to her purr he can almost hear Jaebum cooing. Almost.

Jinyoung gently lowers to the cool tile, still watching himself in the mirror. He can feel the ghost of Jaebum’s touch still burning along his skin, but he’s had too many nights out with men he can’t remember the names of to really know for sure. He wants to remember if Jaebum touched him gently, palms smooth on his skin or if it was rough, calloused fingers digging into his skin, but it’s only a blur that makes Jinyoung desperate. Jinyoung’s fingers lower and lower and he hisses, palms himself slowly as he hiccups. He wants to feel wanted again, not lusted after, but loved. He wants to be cherished. He wants Jaebum. He trembles, curling in on himself. Why didn’t Jaebum ask him to stay? Why hadn’t Jaebum fought for him? Jinyoung hiccups again, a sob bubbling in his chest. Wasn’t Jinyoung worth the fight? Jinyoung digs his nails into the flesh of his thighs, head hung low. It wasn’t that he wasn’t worth it, Jinyoung realises, it was that Jaebum let Jinyoung have what he wanted. Jinyoung hates Jaebum for loving him. He hates himself for leaving. Slowly, he counts to three. One.

Jinyoung trembles.

Two.

Jinyoung feels the overwhelming urge to throw up.

Three. Jinyoung spills, finally giving in. He cries for the first time in seven years and it hurts. It hurts like Jaebum’s sharp, hissing goodbye as Jinyoung slammed the door. It hurts like the second month alone, when he would turn to show Jaebum the funny he picture he found only to remember Jaebum wasn’t there. It hurts like the nights Jinyoung whimpered Jaebum’s name while another man touched him. It hurts, but it’s a release he’s needed for so long. Jinyoung is unsure how long he sits there, holding himself. When he finally rises, shivering in the cold, he realises he feels lighter. Not physically, but the emotional toll he was left with feels a little less menacing and almost manageable. He debates calling Jaebum; calling Jaebum could be a smart idea, or a stupid idea.

"I should visit him," he mumbles, falling facedown on his bed. He lifts his head at the soft jingle of a bell, accompanied by a soft, sweet mew. Jinyoung smiles. "I'll visit him."

---

Jaebum thinks he must be dreaming. Park Jinyoung. His Jinyoungie- No. Jinyoung is no longer his Park Jinyoung, hasn't been since the day he left. It's odd in a way, Jaebum hasn't changed since Jinyoung left, but Jinyoung is something completely different. Jaebum hates the way it taunts at him, like a new puzzle waiting to be solved. The thing is, Jaebum has never been able to solve Jinyoung. There's a complicated beauty to the entirety of Jinyoung's being. Jaebum has tried, on multiple occasions, to crack the riddle that is Park Jinyoung, but it's only left him with more questions than answers. The more important question being: Why is Jinyoung here?

"Uh."

"Hey," Jinyoung smiles, but it doesn't make his eyes crinkle. Jaebum realises the feeling settling in his chest is disappointment; it's not at Jinyoung, but at himself.

"Uh," Jaebum repeats dumbly, blinking repeatedly. “Why are you here?” Jinyoung falters, eyes going wide before he settles back into a false smile and cheerful attitude. “Well, I came to see you, since, y’know, you live here.” Jaebum's eyebrows raise in question and surprise. He leans forward, looking around suspiciously before leaning back into the safety of his doorway.

"This is a joke, right?" Jaebum crosses his arms, unamused. Jinyoung frowns, clenching his teeth.

This was a bad idea.

"No, I just- I was thinking about you last night." Jinyoung tugs the sleeve of his sweater awkwardly. "I thought- it's stupid I know- that maybe you'd want to see me?" Jinyoung realises how lame that sounds, but he doesn't want to lie. "I get it if you don't," he starts, backing from the doorway.

"Wait," Jaebum jerks, grabbing for him. He stops halfway, clearing his throat. "I do want to see you. Jesus, Jinyoung, I've wanted to see you for seven years. Just, come in." Jaebum moves out of the way, but Jinyoung stays frozen in place. In the back of his mind  he registers the gesture, but he’s still processing the words. They repeat over and over until Jaebum coughs and Jinyoung moves, walking briskly to the living room he spent so many nights in. It’s a punch in the gut that washes over until he’s drowning in memories. He looks around the room and realises nothing has changed. It’s like he never left. “Do you want something to drink?” Jaebum asks, awkwardly moving around the room to avoid him. Jinyoung shakes his head, wordlessly tracing his fingers across Jaebum’s scattered magazines. His eyes move to the bookshelf they kept together. It’s still full, almost overflowing, and Jinyoung smiles. Most of the books he read were Jaebum’s anyway. “What have you been up to?” Jaebum calls from the kitchen. The fridge plays as background music, tinkling softly when Jaebum searches around, whirring angrily in its old age before the door shuts and all is quiet again.

Jinyoung waits until he can see Jaebum in his peripheral. "Work, friends, same old, same old." Jinyoung listens to the hiss of Jaebum's soda, eyes turning downcast to watch his feet. "You?" Jaebum hums, brushing past Jinyoung to settle heavily on the couch.

"I've had a couple of gigs here and there. I thought about trying acting again." He stretches his legs out, eyes closing, "I'm not awful, I could maybe make it. I have a good face."

Jinyoung nods, flexing his hands. "I used to think about acting," he finally returns his gaze to Jaebum, "do you remember that?" Jaebum snorts, giving him an easy grin.

"How could I not? I remember everything, Jinyoung. I remember how you loved to dance, sing, read, everything." Jaebum sets the can down, but Jinyoung doesn't notice. "You know that. You know I remember, so, why ask? Why question it when you know I loved you, that I still love you?" Jinyoung swallows thickly, feeling ill, but there's a glimmer of hope now. Jaebum still loves him. It settles deep in his stomach, leaves him warm and sick and giddy, but it feels too good to be true and Jinyoung wonder if he’s dreaming. “Do you really?” Jinyoung asks, nails digging crescents into the palms of his hands. “Do you really still love me, after everything I did?”

Jaebum watches him wearily, face guarded. “Do you still love me?” His voice breaks at the end, but it doesn’t matter, not with the way Jinyoung shakes, eyes wide. “Jaebum, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped thinking about you, wondering if you were okay, if you were with someone else, if I even crossed your mind. Jaebum, I thought what I did was for the best, but I hated every single day of it.” “Then why did you leave?” Jaebum shouts, leaping up from the couch. “Why did you leave me alone like this? Why did you let me suffer for seven god damn years, Jinyoung? Did you even consider how I felt? Did you?” Jaebum’s finger jabs hard at his chest and it leaves Jinyoung breathless, the accusations hinted in Jaebum’s words burning low in his stomach. Jinyoung turns his head, avoiding Jaebum’s eyes. He’s ashamed now, but he hadn’t seen it that way, at least not at first. It hadn’t been about Jaebum, it had solely been about what he wanted, and Jinyoung realises how selfish that was. “I don’t know, I honestly don’t know,” Jinyoung mumbles, teeth gritted. “Maybe because I’m an idiot? I’m selfish and careless and I put myself before us, and I ruined everything and I know that, but I can’t change the past, Jaebum. Please know I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “I’m here now, and that has to count for something, right?” Jaebum throws his arms in the air, voice gaining volume, “Oh, yeah, everything is just suddenly better because you’re here seven years later. It’s just perfect! It’s not like I missed you or anything. No, that would be stupid of me!” “What do you want me to say, to do? I’m trying Jaebum.” “Yeah? Well, it’s not good enough. Sorry isn’t good enough, Jinyoung, you can’t just waltz back in here and expect me to beg for you to stay. I’ve gone seven years without you, and I’m sure I can go another fucking seven years without you.” Jinyoung jerks back as if burnt, body tensing up. Jaebum takes a moment for his words to sink in and he steps back, voice soft now. “Jinyoung, I just- I don’t want,” he falters, looking pained, “I don’t want you to leave again. I don’t want you to leave me again.” Jaebum has the decency to look ashamed, head hung. “Sorry for yelling at you like that.” “It’s okay.” Jinyoung slowly takes a step closer to Jaebum, watching his face carefully. “I kind of deserved it.” Jaebum shakes his head, but gives a soft puff of a laugh. Jinyoung slowly reaches out for him. Jaebum relaxes as Jinyoung’s fingers drag up and down his arm, eyes closing. Jinyoung smiles at the two small dots decorating jaebum’s eyelid, thumbing stroking smooth circles against Jaebum’s skin. “Are you going to stay?” Jaebum tentatively asks, eyes opening. Jinyoung smiles. “Yeah,” he nods, “I think I will.”

--- It takes Jinyoung a month before he asks questions. It’s more of restraining himself from invading Jaebum’s space but eventually he cracks. Jinyoung should have known breakfast was not the best place to bring up past relationships.

“Did you see anyone after I left?” Jinyoung's voice is light, treading the waters.

Jaebum shifts before sighing, head lifting briefly to acknowledge the question. "Does it matter?" His gaze returns to book in front of him.

"It doesn't! I just, well, I was just curious that's all." Jinyoung looks down at the table, tapping his nails against the wood. "I did. Sort of."

"I know." Jinyoung's head snaps up, expression both surprised and horrified. "It wasn't like it was hard to tell, especially from your question. You wanted me to feel guilty like you do."

"Do you?"