G Man Central

By Keiid

It’s not like they weren’t warned.

She could feel bad for the first few, almost.  The ones who’d found her in the wreckage of her chiton, clutching the fabric to her breast and sobbing into her own fallen locks of hair, not yet fully aware of what had happened to her, what she had become—or what she was becoming.  She’d known the gods could be cruel.  She’d known that when Poseidon pressed himself upon her, there would be consequences.

She hadn’t expected those consequences to include rejection by her own goddess, or transformation into something terrible and new…or godhood.  But when the gods slung their powers around without thought of the cost to those they chose to target, sometimes there were unintended side effects.

She thought the snakes might have been Athena’s attempt at an apology, even though her pride and place in the pantheon had made it impossible for her to offer one aloud.  They were company, always, and they kept the spiders from walking across her face at night, swallowing them whole with little legs waving.  They had horrified her in the beginning.  Now she couldn’t imagine her eternity without them.

The invention of the internet had been a blessing no god could have predicted, but it wasn’t her salvation.  The snakes were her salvation.  The snakes and herself, for she had grown to be all the company she would ever need over the centuries of hiding herself away and staying as far as she could from the fragile mortals she posed such a danger to.

But they had forgotten the dangers of sickness.  They had forgotten the days of ten children born in the hopes that two might see adulthood.  They had grown soft in the paradise they’d crafted with their own hands, forming their own Olympus one day and one dream at a time.

If it had been up to her, she would have sheltered them.  But for all that she was a divinity in her own right, it had never been up to her.  Even as they began to call on her to preserve them through terrible times, all she could do was repeat the prayer that would protect them:

“Stay in your homes.  Wash your hands.  Be careful.  Stay safe.  Be careful.”

And then: “And STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.”

……………………………………………………………………

Artist Lee Moyer (The Doom That Came to Atlantic City, Starstruck) and author Seanan McGuire (Middlegame, Every Heart a Doorway) have joined forces to bring you icons and stories of the small deities who manage our modern world, from the God of Social Distancing to the God of Finding a Parking Space.

Join in each week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a guide to the many tiny divinities:

The Mandalorian | “Chapter 1″

ALL OF THESE GIFS ARE ONE MAN

THE SINGULAR BUSTER KEATON

WHILE FILMING THE GENERAL

HE SNAPPED HIS NECK ON THE RAILROAD TIES AND WENT HOME AND ICED HIS BODY

AND CAME BACK FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY

HE ONCE GOT HIS HIP RIPPED OUT OF ITS SOCKET BY A MALFUNCTIONING ELEVATOR AND WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH HIMSELF FOR BEING INJURED

HE ONCE HAD TO FALL 100 FEET DOWN A WATERFALL INTO A NET

A STUNTMAN TESTED IT AND BROKE BOTH LEGS AND DISLOCATED HIS SHOULDER

BUSTER DID THE STUNT ANYWAY AND LANDED WITHOUT A SCRATCH

IN ‘THE HIGH DIVE’

BUSTER DID A TRICK DIVE THROUGH A CARDBOARD DECK THAT WAS CAMOUFLAGED TO LOOK LIKE THE REAL DECK

ONLY HE COULDN’T TELL FROM 100 FEET UP WHERE THE CARDBOARD STOPPED AND THE REAL DECK STARTED AND THERE WAS ONLY LIKE A THREE FOOT MARGIN FOR ERROR

AND WHEN HE HESITATED A SUDDEN BREEZE LITERALLY KNOCKED HIM OFF THE DIVING BOARD AND HE HAD TO JUMP ANYWAY

AND HE MISSED THE REAL DECK BY LESS THAN A FOOT BUT HE MADE IT

IN THE SECOND GIF HE’S RECREATING SOMETHING THAT THE ACTUAL GENERAL PURSUERS HAD TO DO IN THE CIVIL WAR

IF HE MISSES THAT TIE

THE TRAIN WILL BE DERAILED AND HE WILL DIE IN THE EXPLOSION

IN THE THIRD GIF AN ENTIRE HOUSE IS FALLING HE HAS ONE TAKE AND IF HE HAS NOT DONE THE CALCULATIONS CORRECTLY HE WILL BE CRUSHED

HE HAS AN INCH-WIDE MARGIN ON EACH SIDE

AND THE HOUSE LITERALLY BRUSHES HIS LEFT SHOULDER ON THE WAY DOWN

YOU CAN SEE HIS LEFT ARM JUMP BECAUSE HE’S FLINCHING FROM THE PAIN

THAT LAST GIF

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT JUMP

HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL AND THEY HADNT PLANNED FOR IT

BUT HE SURVIVED

BUSTER KEATON SURVIVED 100% OF THINGS THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED LESSER MEN INCLUDING WWI, TORNADOS, HOUSEFIRES, ALCOHOLISM, BROKEN NETS, CRUSHING DEPRESSION, THE DEPRESSION ITSELF, THE MCCARTHY WITCHHUNTS, THE END OF SILENT CINEMA, AND ABOUT 900 MORE OF THE STUNTS YOU SEE ABOVE

BUSTER LIVED TO BE 70 YEARS OLD

FATHERED LIKE FOUR KIDS AND EIGHT GRANDKIDS

HE CAME OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF ALL THAT

THINKING THAT LIFE WAS GOOD AND PEOPLE WERE WONDERFUL

BUSTER KEATON IS NOT JUST A STUNTMAN

THEY WERE ACROBATS.

THEY TOOK BABY BUSTER UP HIGH IN THE AIR WITH THEM.

THEY DROPPED HIM.

LUCKILY SOMEONE WHO WAS STANDING UNDER THEM CAUGHT BABY BUSTER.

THAT MAN WAS HARRY HOUDINI. 

HARRY HOUDINI SAVED BUSTER KEATON’S LIFE.

Good Omens + Oscar Wilde 2/?

Age of Ultron - Behind the Scenes (2015)


Can we please go back to those happy days.


Bonus: