There is such a strange push-pull in this dynamic. For me, anyway.
I am an adult. I’m a fully formed human and I’ve lived half a lifetime so far. I’ve done it like so many of us have - feeling outside of my body at times; in disbelief that I’m an adult, and am expected to know how to exist as such.
I play the part very well. I’m capable. I’m intelligent. I am ambitious, and motivated, and I drive cars, and pay bills, and show up to handle business, every day.
But it has always felt off. It has always taken concerted effort. I overthink everything, and look for signs and approval that I’m succeeding as I’m supposed to. I am always aware of how much I feel like I’m playing a role, and I am always waiting to be “found out” for not really being as grown as I purport.
To have the notion that I’m not big, reinforced regularly, to feel it around my waist day after day, absolutely has an effect on me.
Instead, it feels honest, safe, and reassuring. It doesn’t make me any less capable or less able to handle business, but now I feel like I’m not the only one in on the secret. Now, all of you know too.
So when I’m driving my car and wondering how on earth anyone is allowing this, I have this little smirk on my face, because I feel like SOME of us know, how truly absurd that really is.
I think that’s why I like being here. That’s why I like tumblr. I like confessing what I really am, and being affirmed that I’m correct, and praised for being a good girl, and it just gives me a little boost the next time I have to cosplay as an adult.
I’m not alone with my secret anymore. We’re all here together; and THAT, somehow, makes me feel more whole.
And I thank the heavens for that, from the bottom of my little girl heart.
It feels so good to finally just be.
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