hi

i think it’s the free time. the sudden absence of anything meaningful to do. when it’s quiet, i can only remember my failures. it brings about this weird, out-of-body experience, like being on drugs. i’m watching myself exist, not DOING the existing. i am a frustrating, off putting, weird person. i don’t really have anything of value to offer other human beings; i’m kind of incompatible with the world at large.

but im a scientist, and a rational person, so i try to think logically: on the one hand, im not totally useless, ive done valuable things! i’ve made a project bigger than myself that will help educate people about the body. i can admit that is good. i’m proud of it. but it’s just something i DID. the CREATION is valuable. as a person, i’m kind of a leech. considering the people i’ve made a GOOD impression on, i’ve probably made a stronger valence NEGATIVE impression on 20x as many people.

i’ve always imagined that one day ill blow my shit cleeeaaannn off, and i’m sure i will SOMEday, i’ve had it worked out for years. but when im busy, i’m distracted from how impending that feels. now i’m sitting around going.. “well shiittt.. why not later today? it’s not like im doing anything lol”

i don’t necessarily MISS being busy, and i probably won’t actually do-it either. both things can be true. i should kill myself AND i think i appreciate parts of being alive. i can acknowledge that the variance in my feelings is indicative of instability, and therefore i can’t actually “trust” my own thoughts. ive survived many attempts in the past and im likely to try and incidentally fail again—or just pussy out entirely—before i stick the landing.

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“i love a man who knows how to please a lady”

“i love a man who knows..”

enough. i’m sick of this.