Good Adults Don't

As I’m writing this, my phone calculates I spend and average of four hours on my phone each day and I know for a fact I’m not one of the worst ones. I have constantly been around people I’m having a conversation with who can’t keep their attention for longer than two minutes. This not only with my friends but with people I work with who ask me questions but don’t ever bother to listen to the answers.

As the movie “When We Where Young” put it, being rude has become the new normal. When someone decides to look at their phone at a meeting or dinner table, it’s the cue for all others present to take out their phones too. We have forgotten what it’s like to be around each other without having the ability of checking out whenever we feel like it.

In addition, our phones allow us to look into other people’s ideal versions of themselves and have us think that those versions are not really far from the truth. Envy is the modern world’s biggest commodity because we will forever be striving to look or be a certain way which in reality is non-existent. 

It has now become common to see artists at their concerts asking people to put their phones away, to be present and in the moment because you’ll never live through that exact same experience again. Just a few weeks ago I went to see Sam Smith at a festival and his introduction was a request to have the stars be the only lights to accompany his show. Although a beautiful analogy, it did little in getting people to stop themselves from recording his show just so that they could tell others that they where there. 

I feel like we have become people who only do things for others to see. Different youtubers have stated that they go to Coachella, not because they can see their favourite artists but because it’s a place where you can get pretty pictures and that to me summarizes how broken our motivations are these days.

We no longer wish to be happy, but to seem happy to others. To have what we do be validated by others. To show how much of what we have or get to do others can only dream of. If we spent a fraction of that energy trying to become the best versions of ourselves in reality, our impact on the world would definitely be a much more positive one. 

Go out there and live your best possible life, away from all the curious eyes and see if when no ones watching, you’re really doing the things you enjoy most. It’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and wonder if your phone was taken away, would all the things that provide satisfaction would be taken away with it. 

Do you have an actual hobbie or friends you can go out with and enjoy a conversation a fluid conversation. Do you feel the people around you enjoy your company and have you actually been paying attention to what they say to you. When was the last time you completed a task without interruption and can you still focus your undivided attention on something or do you find yourself struggling. Ask yourself these questions and come back to me. I’m pretty sure you’ll be surprised.

First thing’s first, I don’t think that sex should be approached in terms of right or wrong. The human condition is very much characterized by how different we all are and how much our feelings vary regarding any specific topic. However., there are certain rules which I believe can apply to most situations involving sex 

1.Consent:

In the Me Too era, the first rule I believe to be universal when it comes to sex is: everyone involved should be having fun. If at any point you feel uncomfortable with any given situation, you are completely entitled to put and end to it. Moreover, if someone is pointing out to you that they do not wish to do something this is a remark that must always always be heard.

You need to be one hundred percent sure that the person you’re with wishes to be there at least as much as you do and that their needs are being respected and taking it a little further, satisfied. Try and be as understanding as possible with things that might make someone uncomfortable, because as I’ve already stated, just because someone might have been fine with something in the past it doesn’t mean someone will always be in the future.

2. Know the impact a sexually active life can have on your health:

One of the main things that makes sex complicated is the fact that it opens a door to new factors which may impact your health. The interactions that take place during sex, whether it be heterosexual or homosexual can be risky in terms of diseases and mental health. Also, since from a biological standpoint, the objective of sex is conception, you might want to make sure that if you do not wish to conceive, you avoid it in an adequate manner. 

Specifically, condoms are the only birth control device which prevents the passing of sexually transmitted diseases, so if you’re going to be with someone new, I’d advise you to use condoms until you’re absolutely sure everything is ok. Be aware that when you engage in sexual activity with someone you’re not only exposed to that person’s present, but their past as well. 

In terms of birth control, females have unfairly been burdened throughout history with having to avoid unwanted pregnancies. This is why female contraception has many options to choose from, while for example male birth control pills have only very recently been investigated as a safe and viable alternative. 

I would advise you all to visit your doctor when choosing a birth control method. I myself have just gotten a hormonal IUD after much thought, because I believe it ends up being the cheapest and easiest way to ensure my peace of mind. However, a lot of women will feel uncomfortable with hormonal methods of contraception which is all the more reason you need to research what is best for you. 

For all women out there, always pee after sex. Graphic I know, but simple enough. I was never informed that sex could lead to urinary tract infections which could easily be avoided by passing urine after each encounter. If you do this you’ll be one of the lucky ones to have never known how annoying and uncomfortable a UTI can be. Also if not treated correctly it can be pretty dangerous.

I would also advice that whenever you need to visit your doctor, you do so alone and that you can find a doctor you feel safe and comfortable with. The first time I went to a doctor to request birth control my mother didn’t leave the doctor’s office and I had to lie about the reasons why I wanted to go on the pill. It was only when I was older that I understood how dangerous lying to a doctor can be as they’ll prescribe you things you don’t need or diagnose you incorrectly.

Lastly, on this specific point, I have found that if you have sex with someone for the wrong reasons, whether it’s out of loneliness or as a way of getting something or if you agree to do things you don’t enjoy this will have an impact on your mental health and how you feel about yourself. Try and be sure about the reasons why you agree to be with someone.

3. Get to know your preferences:

This is more about finding what you enjoy. As long as you’re not hurting anyone you can probably find someone who enjoys the same things as you do. Some people like certain outfits or role play and others enjoy the use of toys. Some people like to be dominated and others like to dominate. As long as you’re being safe and (I can’t exert this enough) everyone is having a good time, feel free to explore what feels good. We are all lucky enough to live at a time in which sex can be something to be enjoyed free of guilt or punishment. There are a few places in which this is not entirely true and I’m sorry if you live somewhere where your preferences aren’t tolerated and in some cases even criminalized (Brunei’s new laws can suck it.)

4. Be receptive:

All I’ve written is about making sure others are good to you, but it’s just as important that you’re good to others. This requires good listening skills both to verbal and non-verbal communication. It also requires that you’re open to trying new things if these are requested respectfully. In the end, good sex happens when all involved are interested and engaged.

5. Give sex its adequate importance: