Goob

so ryan does feel like he's experiencing something new. when naim asks if this is his first time, he says yes. yes, of course it is. he's never felt anything like this before. the fact that it could give naim the wrong idea doesn't even cross his mind, because hunter has never been a genuine want for ryan, more a person to vent his pent up feelings on.

and he can't stop thinking about naim, about how that one day with him, those few hours, changed his worldview entirely. he tracks naim with his eyes a bit more obviously now, watching whenever he can. when naim catches him staring in the church, he can't make himself look away for the longest moment. he wishes that he could skip the humiliation of talking openly about his feelings, that he could directly transmit these thoughts to naim, to his brain, and make him understand.

but soon enough, ryan begins to get in his own head about it. what if that day doesn't mean as much to naim? so he asks, next time they hang out, "do you like it here? what do you like about this place?" it's cliché and stupid, but it'd be too vulnerable to ask what he really means. when naim doesn't get it, he pushes, the already flimsy subtlety of the question fraying with each repetition. "so nothing then? nothing you like about this place?" and naim catches the underlying meaning eventually, his smile turning sly and teasing in a way that makes ryan's heartrate stutter. "nah. nothing." naim says, and even though he's flirting, even though he's leaning in to kiss ryan... ryan still doesn't know for sure if this means anything to naim.

after the ritual, he's visited by the entity, though he can't possibly know that, so he thinks it's naim always coming to hurt him. and ryan is confused by this sudden change, but he doesn't say anything, because it's what he's used to, and what he believes he deserves, and he'd suffer it over and over and over, if he'll be rewarded with naim's lips against his, naim's fingers in his hair, the affection in his gaze. he'd do anything for those gentle hands, even if they sometimes make him bleed.

he's so tender with this new version of naim, simply assuming that perhaps now there's no more walls between them. naim has seen him at his worst, publicly humiliated, seizing in pain, vomiting from the agony of it, fighting for air. despite all the people in that room, they'd locked eyes before naim fled. that vulnerability is difficult to forget. so, sure maybe it isn't the kindest, but ryan figures that naim has also chosen to drop his facade. while ryan dares to be gentle, naim seems to finally be letting himself be cruel. and if that's the real naim? so be it.

until the photobooth. when his entire short life flashes before his eyes as he struggles to breathe around naim's vice grip, he realises that he'll die like this. he'd been letting this boy he loves keep escalating his violence, and now he'll pay for it dearly. so when he's suddenly, inexplicably, allowed air again, he doesn't hesitate. he stumbles away, tears blurring his vision, his bare skin prickling with goosebumps and the unbearable heat of eyes on him, of everyone watching him make a scene. he knows that he has to stop this now.

so when naim chases after him, looking equally horrified and distressed, ryan chalks it up to naim being caught off guard by his own capacity for violence. he knows that naim has discovered what he's capable of, and that next time ryan might not get so lucky. so he begs, in front of everyone. "please don't make me tell anyone. just leave me alone, please." because despite everything, he can't help but love this boy, this awful boy who'd kick him just as soon as he'd kiss him.

so when ryan eventually realises that this violent naim isn't right, isn't him, all he can really feel is relief. relief that naim isn't cruel, that naim's hands are gentle after all. that naim would never hurt him like this. but the real naim comes with his own set of problems. his own entity, for one. but also his own fear and insecurity.

on the way back from the hospital, he expresses his desire to leave. he's so painfully flippant about it, just a simple: "i'll go away." and ryan begs him, "don't go," because it seems that he's always begging naim for something. "i hate that shithole anyway," naim tells him, and ryan tries to ignore that this is the answer to his question from the mill, from what feels like decades ago. that naim hates this place and everything in it, and that ryan himself isn't worth the effort of staying, of trying to make this work. he can't help the bitterness bleeding into his voice when he replies, "i know you do, naim."

but still, he softens within moments, taking naim's hand. "don't go. it's all my fault." he says, wanting so badly to make up for it, for being like this, for getting caught, for getting naim caught, for the entity that wears his face hurting the boy he loves more than anything, for the adults that put them through this, for the heaviness of his own love and desire. he'll repent for it all, if it means naim will have it a little easier. if it means naim will stay.

but naim doesn't seem to get the message, trying once again to leave ryan outside the church, not even a week later. "don't follow me," he says. "you shouldn't be near me. i shouldn't be near you, either." ryan agrees, because he's angry, he's frustrated that he can't get through to naim, and tries to storm off. but he barely makes it past the doorway before he's spinning around, speedwalking right back to where naim is, breathless from how hard his pulse is racing. he knows that he has to say it. he has to tell naim how he feels, or as close as he can manage, or he'll lose him forever. he can't quite manage to look at naim as he speaks (even though he's mercifully facing away), but he says it. he tells naim that he doesn't want anyone else.

what he doesn't tell naim is that it really seems like he hasn't got anyone else. his parents have never been all that attentive, but now they prefer to avoid him altogether. hunter is gone, and ryan's never really had any other friends, and after being outed, he's become an outcast. he has no support, no foundation on which he can balance, not without naim. ryan knows, as surely as he knows himself, that if naim leaves, he'll miss him badly enough to give in to the entity's temptation, if only to see naim's face again, to hear his voice.