in the midst of things

iba ung pregnant fatigue, its not like hindi ko naeenjoy ung pregnancy journey. i love the little things na dumadating or naeexperience ko right now with it. props to my partner. i love him and sobrang thankful ko sa lahat ng ginagawa nya para samin. i know nakakapagod yung setup namin but still he makes sure na we're being taken care of.

kaya despite everything my family is putting me through, lalo na ngayon, there's this light beyond the cave type of thing ako na nilolook forward and that's the family that we're building.

30 weeks into this, i just had my ultrasound for my gdm to check if gigantic na ang bagets. pero wala nabanggit na concering. he's weighing 1.4kgs and very normal and ok for the age. and its a boy.

still, nakatira parin ako sa parents ko bec this was unexpected but hindi ako prepared sa gymnastics and stress nito sa akin. its like it quadrupled. yun talaga yung price to pay for free rent. good thing na hindi ako high risk. i cried a lot of times sa gabi asking why is this happening particularly to me like wala bang pwedeng ibang tumangke muna nito, worried din ako if the bagets can handle my stress. thank god, he is healthy hanggang ngayon.

it's been 3 mos since sinabi namin sa parents ko about this, and alam mo ung binackread kong post dito, i think its the prev post.. bigla kong narealize na maybe they aren't really as happy as i thought they would be. like alam ko naman ugali nila, pero i can't shake the feeling na hindi parin nila tanggap up to now kasi we've been fighting still because of money and boundaries.

3 mos of me not paying the entire expense sa bahay, and nag-ask ako ng help for it. its not even hindi ako magpapay e, i just asked na maabsolve muna sa kuryente and maghati kami ng family ko doon. they proposed na magpakabit ako ng submeter because they keep on blaming me for the 12k-15k bill. naka-ac kasi ako palagi bec of the heat. the rest of the utilities and groceries, ako parin nagpapay. i just wanted some ease kahit kaunti for the electricity bill bec i can handle ung other stuff. saving up and paying for everything is so hard. ayoko magkulang for the child birth. i hate borrowing money. but apparently, they hate me more because of the boundary na sinet ko.

i explained my situation ng paulit-ulit like, i'm saving up for the delivery, for baby stuff, for future baby stuff after birth like the vaccines and pedia visits, and nagpprep ako for 3 mos of no salary because i'm on mat leave. i've been really systematic and thorough pagdating dito because i dont want any expectation na i can provide the same amount like nung hindi pa ko with child. pero both of my parents are not happy with it kaya they refuse to hear whatever i have to say.

so this wk lang, my mom asked na wag ko muna sundin ung submeter ko. she was asking me to pay half of the electric bill parin. its 13k, my bill is 4.6k. its like magaabono ko ng nasa 2k-3k. tinanong ko kung bakit, and she said may babayaran kasi sya sa inuutangan nyang app. so sabi ko, sige pero sisingilin ko dad ko ung iaabono ko kasi sa july 15 we plan on shopping for the baby. and sabi nya sige daw. i explained this to my dad saying na i'll let this slide and magbabayad ako pero they seriously need to pay. sinabi ko rin ung sinabi sakin ng mom ko about it na may babayaran sya and ung part na mazezero daw kasi ung mom ko kapag nagpay na sila ng kuryente.

my dad was mad MAD ganon. sumugod talaga sya paguwe nya sa mom ko, asking kung bakit nya ginagawa yung ganyan at ginugulo ung setup ng expenses sa bahay. parang dun sa sinasabi samin ng mom ko, pinapalabas nya na kulang magbigay ung dad ko sakanya wherein fact lahat nga ng money ng dad ko ay nasa kanya.

sinabi ng dad ko ung truth abt sa binibigay nya sa mom ko, and its around 10k every month. ang kwento ng mom ko ay 4k every month lang. cinonfront sya talaga sa harap namin so wala ng ma-ireason out ung mom ko about it. tinatanong din ng dad ko kung bakit gusto nya ko humati pa sa kuryente kahit na may submeter na ko, and sabi ng mom ko sakanya "hayaan mo masanay magbayad ng half", my dad refused and ayaw nya tanggapin ung reason na magbayad ako ng half kasi hindi naman daw sya nagkukulang sa pagbigay sa kuryente. it should have been paid along with my part. wala naman dapat aabonohan sana kung hindi nya kinukupit.

ako naman, di ko magets ung part na masanay ako magbayad ng half; ever since magwork ako i've been shouldering the entire house expense and its like 7 yrs ago. what does she mean na masanay ako magbayad ng half e sanay ako magbayad ng buo? and hindi ko rin sya magets na nagddrama sya sa kapatid ko na since half nalang binabayaran ko sa kuryente, dapat nagbibigay na ako sakanya because magaan na sa akin. this person literally missed the point. ung absolution ng kaunti sa kuryente, ilalagay ko sa savings. gusto mapunta sakanya.

this has been a whole fight, buong tanghali. my parents are lying to me, kaya mabuti narin na present kaming lahat nung naguusap. i've been really stressed because of this tapos nakakahurt na talagang intentionally nilang ginagawa sa akin to, knowing na i've explained to them yung situation. hindi naman ako nagkulang dun as part na iinform sila about my financial situation. naiisip ko ngayon na siguro naiintindihan naman nila, pero they just refuse to cooperate. ayaw lang lang nila talaga ko bigyan ng break. ayaw lang talaga nila kong tulungan.

i lost count dun sa mga oras na i cried to my partner about how my parents treat me, as if i exist lang to pay their stuff. ni hindi nga nila ko tinatanong about how's everything going? ni hindi sila nagcacare sa welfare ko.

ung torn sa side ko ay nabubunot unti-unti kasi i was able to discuss with my family ung pregnancy.

and honestly di ko ineexpect na they'll take it like a champ. siguro factor na si jes nagsabi at kung ako yon baka pagalit pa kong magsasabi. tapos may eksena pa kong "ok lang kung ayaw nyo, sino ba naman ako." sad gorl yan. these are all the convos i had in my head na thank god hindi ako ung nagdiscuss kasi who knows san mapunta yan. i'm so sorry na ganto ako, and it helps me a lot na may mahinahon akong asawa. ung isang comment pa ng tatay ko:

"buti nga inabot ko pa eh!!" edi sorry kung feeling mo di ka na aabot.

my mom on the other hand, di ko magauge kung anong level ng disappointment ang meron sya or kung may nararamdaman ba sya at all abt this. but enough na sakin na they know of it.

nasabi ko narin sa two most important friends (si mary at si cynthia) at bago nila ko icongrats same sila ng tanong kung happy ba ako. happy naman ako pero nangingibabaw ung kaba at takot. iniisip nila kung appropriate ba na icongrats ako, feelings ko muna despite na naeexcite sila.

i'm happy na i have best friends who love me sa lahat ng circumstance na meron ako. happy sila parehas naman and i'm glad hindi nila ko jinudge. my bad for underestimating the love they had for me.

naiisip ko din talaga ung edad ko na mag30 na ko this yr, but then grabe ung na-ingrain na teenage pregnancy scare na nagccreep-in sya sa edad na to. ilang months din akong naiiyak bago matulog kasi feel ko i failed some system, i failed the impression of myself to my family and friends, i failed to be some character na i want to project.

pero i was reminded by how they reacted na hindi naman ako failure and whatever this is, its a season.

adopted a cat last jan and we named him 'tofu' because he's white and he's homophobic sarcasm (has green and blue eyes)

rescued a cat last feb whom we haven't named yet passed away due to complications with giving birth (this is another grief story to tell)

went to baler last feb

went to some beach in pampanga this march

attended my hs friend's million dollar wedding

attended our college friend's wedding that is not in metro

found out i was pregnant

alam kong may ptsd ka sa "angel"/"angela" chariz! lalo na pag may magcchat sayo sa teams.

may technical difficulties pala ko right now kaya hindi ko napost/nasend agad, i'm so sorry kasi late!

happy birthday! taon-taon naman ang wish ko lang ay maging masaya ka at healthy ka. kaso ngayong taon ata di dininig ung panalangin kong maging healthy ka as a trentahin (gawa ng ape) huhu, i hope yung mga sakit mo sa katawan ay magheal. madami pa tayong bukas na dapat ienjoy as a reward for all the toll and suffering.

naiinggit nga ako sa mga nakakabati sayo with creatives, like merong silang snippets/vids/pics about you. they get to celebrate your life, they get to capture yung raw and unfiltered mong soul, they get to memorialize how wonderful of a person you are.

while all i can do is write abt you.

masaya ako kasi there are people out there celebrating you! i'm really happy na you found people na may pagpapahalaga sayo. i'm really happy na people out there also realize na you're one of a kind. hindi lang ako ung nakakakita ng kinang mo and i'm really happy na they get to spell it to you loudly.

while all i can do is sing you hymns and phrases in silence. like a proud but sheepish parent cheering for their child ang atake.

nonetheless, i'm happy na i get to do something for you. i'm happy i get to immortalize these feelings of joy/celebration for your life into paragraphs.

hindi man ako yung makakasama mo to make those kinds of memories, pero i'll always be the home na pwede mong uwian. i'm the boring, mundane routine na pwede mong balikan whenever you feel nauseous and tired of the universe. i'm the pit stop, whenever you need to rest, take a step back and i'll gladly give you the blankets, sheets and embrace. nandito ko palagi na naghihintay sayo na umuwi. lagi ako nandito, kahit ano pang mangyari. palagi. para sayo.

salamat sa pagbibigay ng saya palagi. salamat sa lahat ng mga usap na tayo lang nagkakaintindihan. salamat sa pagsshare ng buhay mo sa akin, at salamat kasi hinahayaan mo rin akong makibahagi sa mundo mo. privilege itong lahat sa akin.

i feel horrible typing this.

we had our 5th rescued cat, and he's probably the youngest. nakuha namin sya na parang linggo palang kasi sobrang liit nya. yung backstory nya, pinaglalaruan sya ng mga tambay sa labas and was supposed to be thrown sa garbage ng kinuha sya ng mama ko. the cat lasted 2 days sa amin.

the cat was so eepy and it was very cuddly, gusto lang talaga nya ng warmth kaya tinutukan ko sya ng candle warmer jan and towel. the cat was so small. and very hopeful ako na makaraos sya up to 2-3 months para pede na sya ihalubilo dun sa other cats especially kay pamboy. magkasundo kasi sila ni pamby eh, natutulog sila ng magkasama and chinecheckout siya ni pamby from time to time.

unfortunately, the cat passed away awhile ago ng hindi man lang namin sya napapangalanan. we were checking names pa na magrrhyme sa mga other cats namin na gender neutral. i even bought supplies like baby milk, food for kittens and other stuff na hindi pa dumadating.

it probably died of hypothermia. ok pa sya nung morning and he suddenly fell ill and had labored breathing after sya paliguan ng tatay ko galing sa gripo. it was dangerously cold for the cat.

until now, hindi ko parin mawrap ung head ko around this kasi this could have been really preventable kung nakinig lang sakin ung tatay ko.

rest well, poor baby. sorry things turned out this way. you were so small, but you already meant a lot to us.

we wanted you to grow up safe, warm and happy. and i wish we had more time to show you that. sana pala naging strict kami knowing na ganto ung ugali ng mga kasama namin sa bahay. we shouldn't have been so lenient.

thank you for staying with us. kahit saglit lang. you were loved from the moment na natagpuan ka ni mami.

rest now, our calico baby. wala ng malamig, wala ng mahirap, wala ng pain. just warmth and peace kung nasan ka, i'm sure you are in heaven baby. we will never forget you. we love you so much.

i have been writing about my relationship with my mom as long as i can remember.

unfortunately, nothing has improved. akala ko i'd grow past this; na para bang its just a phase na need namin ma-overcome, na it was just something na we need to sort out nung bata ako, or it was some beef na later maaddress namin kapag mature enough na ko to deal with it.

we've gotten past the point of no return. i dont think i can ever go back and forgive her.

she has been the cause of my undiagnosed depression. having to encounter her everyday makes my head hurt. i literally feel dizzy when i am in the same room as hers. buti nalang she mutually hates me (baka even more) kaya she storms her way out kapag nakikita nya ko.

i realized this (really hard) when i started working, but then nasolidify when my brother and i talked about things like ano kaya ireregalo ko sa mother's day last 2024, ipaghahanda ko ba sya, kakain kami sa labas, or gusto nya ba ng money kasi i think she will feel better with money. then sabi ng kapatid ko:

"napakatransactional ng relationship nyo. pero more on sa side nya yan." he kept going na its not my fault since i'm nice to her to even think about how to celebrate her on that day. kahit pa alam ko na hindi nya yon naappreciate, hindi nya ko naappreciate. mom ko ung parang kailangan bayaran ko to be a parent. she needs to be served money to acknowledge me ganon because she wants nothing to do with me if not my cash.

later ko narealize tong conversation na to, nung nagaway kami kasi i went to my bf's house and i was like a day late sa pagbibigay sakanya ng sahod. in my defense, i dont go out on work days. unless i have multiple errands, hindi ako lalabas. i hate the weather here in the manila. napakamiserable ko kasi pawisin ako kaya i avoid going out for non-emergent things.

it was on a saturday that i went out with bf and nagwithdraw na din. nung pauwe na ko (obviously with the cash), nakatanggap ako ng chat sa nanay ko abt me being "madamot", "nakalimutan ung parents dahil sa jowa", "salbahe sa magulang", "oportunista ung bf, using me for the money when it could have been them benefitting my money" and "sa pamilya ng bf ako nagpapamudmod ng pera".

none of this is true.

90% of my salary goes to the house. everything is taken care of bills, groceries, medical expenses. name it.

my bf takes care of everything i need whenever i'm with him (or even kapag di kami magkasama).

i'm nothing but generous bec the moment they ask money from me, i give even it costs me my allowance. my mindset wayback was like: ano pa ba gagawin ko sa pera ko if di ko itutulong sa pamilya ko.

the money they are asking for is on top pa sa binibigay ko sakanila ng kusa (this is by guilt trip, dont be fooled).

my bf right now is hard working and has his own money. he has been living independently for a decade now. king things. so he doesnt need my money.

i responded to her message kasi i couldnt stand any of it. yung iberate nya ko is one thing, i grew up with not being enough for her. another thing yung convo namin sa messenger na puro about sa pera. hindi nya man lang ako kinukumusta. she has literally nothing to say to me kung hindi pera. pero ang pinaka-catalyst siguro for me is yung wala naman ginawa sakanya si bf and she kept spouting bs, to the point na pinagkakalat nya yon to other people/relatives. fortunately, i have a good relationship with the people whom she's spreading her lies kaya it was easy for me to debunk any of her claim. tyaka my family (excluding her) loves my bf so much.

naiyak ako habang nagrereply ako sakanya. it wasn't because i was hurt or sad or what. its anger na para bang home credit sya na di makapaghintay sa "bayad" ko sakanya. its as if hindi nya ko nakikita na family but someone na may utang lang sakanya.

sinabi ni bf kay brother na i cried because of it, tapos parang my brother wanted to make peace. na kesyo ang sinasabi daw sakanila, gusto lang naman daw magpakasaya like ano pa daw gagawin ng nanay ko sa pera na ishshare namin sakanya kung patay na sya.

pera parin.

tinatry nya idefend na me giving money is me showing care and ung nanay ko gusto lang naman makita daw na may pake ako sakanya.

pera parin.

paguwe ko i gave the money. pero that was the last time i gave any. this was last march 2025 lang. i also blocked her in soc med para hindi na nya ko mamessage and even sa phone. nung una naisip ko para kong tanga kasi makikita ko sya sa house, pero hindi ren naman ako bumababa ng kwarto ko to socialize. bumababa lang ako whenever i want to talk to my brother and ung dad ko.

she was like "this" ever since i stopped with the sustenance. hindi nya ko pinapansin. nagdadabog syang umaalis kapag nasa iisang room kami. i thought, i can live with that.

pero what made me sick was ung tinuturn nya ung mga relatives namin against me even my dad. gumagawa sya ng stories about me na binili ko ung motor ni bf para sakanya as gift. na kesyo kaya daw ako minamalas sa buhay kasi di ko daw sya binibigyan at salbahe daw ako sa magulang ko. deserve ko daw lahat ng nangyayareng masama sa buhay ko. this conversation led to her wishing that i should just get married or die. whichever comes first, winiwish nya mangyari yang mga yan to get rid of me.

ung ginagawa nya was nothing but petty. pero it made me nauseous talaga when i heard her talk to my dad na sana mamatay nalang daw ako para wala na syang iintindihin. most parents would like to NOT bury their child, and sinasabi nila its the other way around. children should bury their parents. but not on this case. di pa nga ko sure kung ililibing ako ni bakla. again, i wasn't hurt. and surprisingly, hindi ako nagalit. its as if i'm expecting this from her. my dad wasn't happy with the comment and sabi nya "sana hindi mo pagsisihan mga sinasabi mo", but i doubt magsisisi sya. the only thing that i think nireregret nya is natuto akong magretaliate laban sa kanya. she probably regrets that she lost control over me. she regrets giving birtht to me kasi di nya inaanticipate na i'd say "no".

even if hindi confrontational ung coup de tat ko sakanya, even if its me just setting boundaries, feel ko nanalo ako. i gained a lot by realizing this na akala ko simpleng makulet lang ako or non chalant lang sya as a person kaya di sya affectionate. she just hates me. she sees me as inanimate and not a daughter. not a person even.

on the other hand, she lost someone that would do anything for her. she lost the daughter in me and i hope she finds solace sa fact na i will never run to her aid ever again. i cannot forgive her. i cannot look at her the same way again.

what happened in the last 6 months:

dated my college situationship, we kind of hit it off and we're doing good. thank god, we're on the same page and most importantly he's roman catholic. no stresses except dun sa papansin nyang ex (lowkey gusto ko na sya puksain) but manageable. am experiencing things na parang na-exp ko before kay recent ex mga 2 yrs pa in the relationship. if he wanted it, he would talaga. ever since naman, i know na he's great kaso nga i chose to be with familiar kaysa magrisk, it was like 11 yrs ago. di pa uso situationship non. sometimes, nagooverthink ako ng what ifs ko sakanya but this time i'll make sure na magiging reyalidad ung mga plans ko for him/us. di yon magiistay ng what if bec its the 2nd time, and i aint fooling around. he is very caring, hands-on and ultimately a provider. top tier din in the sheets *sighs*. parang wala narin akong hihilingin bukod sa to be married (sakanya) at makasama sya araw-araw. hopefully, we both want it this time! timing lang. also, all of my loved ones like him so much, i didn't even know it was possible. i love him so much!

had a couple of job escalations due to tardiness, client is annoyed but managed to woo them nitong june lang and i'm happy with the direction. sana hindi ako tamarin magwork.

managed to set boundaries with my mom, i'm not giving her allowance anymore (since march) and kahit nasa isang bahay kami we're not on talking terms (her choice). naooffend lang kasi ako everytime na she doesn't appreciate or feels entitled with the money i worked my ass off tapos makakarinig pa ko ng kung ano-ano sakanya. ngayon, kahit makarinig ako ng bad stuff na sinasabi nya sakin it doesnt sting.

some adult expense na i was asked to get against my will. house upgrades: i had to pay 35k for our electrical wirings to be changed kasi nasunog ung 2nd flr namin last yr. it was so stressful kasi ang daming need bilhin na i know nothing about (electrical) and ung labor ng manggagawa is really expensive. tapos appliances for quality of life: air fryer, rice cooker, some inverter aircon, pc parts. where is money? pero at least nagagamit ko sila everyday. i just need to manage my finances wisely kasi di biro ung adult expense. hindi rin sya nakakahappy.

went on a family outting - somewhere in rizal. it was so fun kasi i got to be with my cousins and titas. ofc, may mga setbacks but def enjoy naman. i love outtings with family kasi ang daming masarap na pagkain. yes, masarap bec gusto ko luto ni dadi at tita. and i dont have to walk on egg shells. i dont have to be conscious on what i eat and what i wear. i can be ugly as i want, and they wouldn't bat an eye.

attended an emo concert, and narevitalize yung inner child ko. it was really fun. i was supposed to attend this with my ex, buti nalang nanaig yung "nah" feeling ko to buy him the ticket last yr at nilaan ko nalang sya sa pagpapautang dun sa friend ko. i enjoyed it, sulit ung tix imho. secondhand serenade, click five pati boys like girls all in for 3500. parang i paid like 1200 per ticket. my friend and i had fun and we're looking forward to attend more concerts!

as of typing, 3 na cats ko - its in my previous posts. i love them so much!

this is a very significant life update.

sobrang lonely ko sa buhay nung 2022. then inadopt namin ung naiwang cat nung uncle ko. sya ung black, pinangalanan nung mga tambay na "pamby" kaya yun nalang din tawag namin sakanya. "pamboy" kasi ung nickname ng tito ko before so ginawa nilang meme. often times, napagkakamalan syang tuta/aso kasi anlaki nya for an average puspin. pero sya ung pinakamalambing sa lahat. likes to sleep with us sa bed and doesn't like to be left alone, very velcro cat. probably kasi mag3 yrs na sya samin and super comfy na nya.

after 2 yrs, mga late 2024, dinampot ni mami yung brown tilapia. nakita sya dun sa lumang bahay ng mga lola ko, nagcocower in fear dun sa gilid na giniginaw. pinangalanan naming "toffee" pero dahil pinoy kami dito sa bahay, "topi" ang tawag namin sakanya officially. kung nung una, nakakaawa sya kasi ang liit nya non, mas malaki pa palad ko. ngayon, borta na sya. napakabigat tapos masel masel. ang hirap nya tuloy biyabitin kapag nagninibble/play bite sya sa paa namin (which is masakit). sya rin ung pinaka-photogenic na cat namin. pogi!

then after a few months, mga january lang this yr 2025, pumulot nanaman si mami ng cat. gray tilapia naman. nakita nya sa may talyer/labasan namin tapos sumunod sakanya dito sa bahay. pinangalanan namin syang "maki". etong si maki, may injury to nung nakuha namin kasi sumasakit ung tagiliran nya. pinaglaruan siguro sya nung mga bata. ayun, may sugat pala. as of now, nagrerecover ung sugat ni maki tapos may kaunting buhok na. then masigla, and makulit na sya. likes to play and mahilig sya magpahimas. nagiisleep din sya with us sa bed, kaso ung fear lang namin na mahigaan sya kasi maliit pa talaga sya (2nd pic for size comparison) kaya natutulog nalang sya with us sa same room pero naka-cage.

i can say, ang saya mag-alaga ng cats. kahit magastos. cat food palang nasa 3% na sha ng sahod ko lalo na't 3 na sila, vet bills as necessary and occasional toys. of course, nakakapagod kasi habol dito at habol doon. dampot ng echas. pero ang lambing kasi nila? and nakakatawa at silly nung mga random na ginagawa nila dito sa house. naggagauge ko din ung expectation ko sakanila kasi i've read na cats have like an iq of a 2 yr old toddler, kaya pag ginawang kalokohan ung isa sakanila, parang "i can forgive you" agad kasi iisipin ko na they dont understand shit.

good thing is, bonded pair na si maki at topi. at understanding naman si pamby towards maki. ang di lang magkasundo si pamby at topi kasi maharot si topi and pamby is an old guy. nagaaway sila 80% of the time, and lahat yon kasalanan ni topi kasi mahilig sya magplay bite but kapag di naman nangbbalya si topi, chill naman si pamby.

naniniwala talaga ko na sentient beings talaga ang mga pets/alaga natin. kasi look at my baby, feeling sorry dahil pinalabas nya si topi sa kulungan (his younger bro-cat, not biological) tapos ginulpe nya pagkatapos.

nung nahuli namin silang nagsisipaan ng feslak, pinaghiwalay namin gamit tubig. bumaba sya, sulking at feeling victim. i think he knows ang naughty nung ginawa nya. pero would he do it again? absolutely yes.

they can feel stuff and definitely has emotions.