Late night thoughts
(Disclaimer: in no way am I comparing my brief struggle with race to the thousands of years of systematic racism perpetuated by my country and other counties. I do not intend to disrespect or disregard anyone with this post.) Racism is weird. Growing up in Southern California I was surrounded by many different races from many different backgrounds. My first encounter with racism, that I recall, was in grade school. I was in 1st grade and these kids kept calling a friend of mine, I've long forgotten her name, Black. I didn't understand why they called her that. When I went home and tried to explain to my mom my confusion I said "why do they call her black when she's more of a pudding color!?" I was innocent, and didn't grasp the concept of color because I was never taught to. At least not yet. As years went one I began hearing different terms for different races. Grades 7&8 were the big years for this. High School it was there, but, I didn't think it affected me. I was at a predominantly white school, why would it? I remember this one girl, who would annoy me cause she'd always bring up the fact that she was black. I remember talking trash, calling her ghetto, and thinking she should act more white or proper. I didn't know I was part of the problem. "That's just what people say!", "I have a black friend!", "Stop being sensitive!" I've said all these and more at some point or another. I'm not proud of this at all, and I'm ashamed of my younger self. It wasn't until after I graduated high school that I realized what I was saying and doing had impact. I began researching the history behind my words and learned why what I was doing was wrong and how to stop. So, why do I bring this up? I don't want a clap on the back, I don't want to be told "everyone makes mistakes" I'm not saying this to be like "once I was an ass, now I'm not" because I still struggle with racism and realizing my words and actions can be offensive. However I bring this up because for the first time in my short 23 years, I've experienced racism first hand. Its not slurs or violence, but it's micro-aggressions. "It's because you're American" "Americans are weird" "You don't understand cause you're American" "American." I am angry. Not at the people who have said these things to me, it's not about them, but at the way these statements made me feel. I'm mad at myself, family members, friends, leaders, at anyone who has ever said anything similar to what was said to me to someone else. It made me feel small, like I was less than, and like I was stupid. The fact that people of color have been dealing with this for so long, I've tried to sympathize, but I never really understood until I got a taste of it. No one deserves to feel that way. People shouldn't be made to feel scared or worthless because of their culture or skin color. That's not what humanity is. So I'm angry, and I'm gonna use this anger to better not only myself but everyone I can. I'm gonna teach the kids in my life that it doesn't matter what you look like no one person is better than another. So to those who've been affected by the things I've said or done, I'm sorry, truly deeply sorry, and know that I am doing my best to make up for it and ensure that it doesn't happen again.
