Earlier this week I read a couple smart posts by @impala124 about Yeong's self-destructive tendencies and by @solitaryandwandering about why Yeong pursued this relationship and how he may not have ever fully committed to letting Gyu-ho in, and something about their characterizations of Yeong in this relationship was scratching at my brain. It wasn't that I disagreed with them, because they're not wrong about some of his behaviors, but that it didn't feel like the full truth of this relationship. So I will attempt to tease that nuance out now.
I think a lot about how Yeong is the narrator of this story, and so everything we see is filtered through his perspective. This is much more evident in the book, where he is literally telling us what happened with his patented combination of distancing wit and biting self-loathing, whereas in the show they have intentionally gone a bit beyond his perspective to show us the characters existing outside of his head. We've all reflected over the last couple weeks on how that has changed the tone of the previous sections and relationships. But this part of the show is the most similar to the book, and that makes sense because Gyu-ho is the only character in the book besides Young who feels fully fleshed out and real on the page. He is deeply important to Young, and that comes across in how Young writes about him. And I think that comes through in the show, as well, both in the way Yeong behaves with him, and in the way this story is framed and shot to essentially make Gyu-ho feel like the light in his darkness. Young/Yeong/Sang Young Park deeply loves this man, and regrets losing him, and blames himself for most of what went wrong, and that colors everything about the way the story is told.
When we were discussing this part of the book, many of us noted that Young is something of an unreliable narrator, because you have to read between the lines to find his true feelings buried under constant obfuscations and emotionally distancing rhetoric. I think that same feeling came across in the show, but without the benefit of being able to see into him a bit deeper like in the book, it may be hard to see how much of himself he put into this relationship, and how sincerely he tried, and how external forces constantly worked to reinforce that he did not deserve and couldn't have it. I think it helps to look at his actions rather than his words, because this man does not like to speak about his sincere feelings very often:
Yeong was the one to pursue the relationship, going out of his way to find Gyu-ho again and ask him out after their initial encounters, and going back for him after initially parting at the train. I read that moment where the loud girls passed him as Yeong getting shaken out of his stasis and realizing he was missing a chance to have something real with Gyu-ho, and he didn’t want to lose his shot.
He put it out there first that he wanted their relationship to work out, a stunning moment of accidental honesty for someone who normally pretends an indifference he doesn't feel.
He took Gyu-ho seriously enough to disclose his biggest shame. I do not think he did this to try to push him away; he did it because he sincerely liked and cared about this man and he wanted to protect himself if this was something Gyu-ho could not accept.
Despite the fact that their sex life is stymied by their conflicting challenges and role preferences, Yeong was content. In the book we hear him reflect directly on how surprised he is to be this happy with someone without an amazing sex life, and that happiness shines through in the show before he sinks into depression.
Gyu-ho was not the first of Yeong’s boyfriends to meet the T-aras, but he was the only one Yeong was confident they would approve of, and he seemed so happy as he walked home with Gyu-ho after their meeting. He knows this man is special.
Yeong invited Gyu-ho into his home to live together--the home he previously shared with Mi Ae and seems to consider his safe haven. He wanted him there, and he trusted him to be there.
Despite their petty arguments about chores and how to manage their shared space, he sincerely makes room for Gyu-ho and wanted him to feel like it's theirs (though he doesn't always recognize how his own behavior make that harder), down to matching couple mugs and the development of shared habits.
At several points in their relationship he encouraged Gyu-ho to get what he needs, even if it means going outside their relationship for sex (we only see this hinted at in the show), while he himself stays content with what he gets from Gyu-ho even as their sex life really falls off. Both his depression and his Kylie are at work, but Yeong never wants to leave Gyu-ho even in his darkest moments, or even as he claims things have become dull. Even when they were fighting in the midst of Yeong’s worst depressive episode, he said he was thinking about their future together.
When things started to get really dire, Yeong did not give up as he would have in previous relationships. Instead he suggested and booked them a trip to reconnect and spend quality time together, despite his financial stress and time limitations. And when removed from those huge stressors, they did reconnect and reaffirm their feelings, and we saw Yeong's happiness rise to the surface again.
The way Yeong began emotionally distancing once he realized he could not go to Shanghai was telling; he retreated back to his more indifferent persona once he believed the relationship could not work out as a way to protect himself--because he was devastated.
All this to say: Yeong cared about this relationship so much, and he really tried. He tried harder than we've seen him do with anyone else. He did not hold himself back or intentionally push Gyu-ho away until the end; this is simply who he is and what he can give to a partner.
Which brings me to the real main source of this relationships' downfall: disease, stigma, and homophobia. The thing I want to be really clear about here is that while Yeong did not make perfect choices, and there may have been a way for he and Gyu-ho to work out if he'd believed more in the strength of their partnership to overcome further hardship, he is not wrong to believe that Gyu-ho was negatively affected by his disease or to decide that he did not want to be a source of hardship for Gyu-ho. It is a factual statement that Yeong's Kylie resulted in Gyu-ho not getting everything he wanted and needed, and would have continued to deny him opportunities if they stayed together. Yeong is not merely imagining that his partner could be affected by the limitations Kylie puts on his life; that's very real and actively happening and constantly reinforced for him. And he loves Gyu-ho, so much. He doesn't want to be the reason Gyu-ho doesn't get everything he wants, and he's ashamed to hold him back. I wish for his sake that he could have made different choices, that he could have tried working something out that they would both be happy with, but lord do I understand why he didn't.
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