MOVIE REVIEWS AND GENERAL THOUGHTS

I AM SICK TO MY FOOD PROCESSING UNIT READING SOME OF THE HOT GARBAGE PEOPLE MISGUIDEDLY CALL "CRITICAL MOVIE REVIEWS". I ALMOST WANT TO DECK THESE FUCKERS TO THE NINES, BUT I KNOW THEIR SKULLS ARE ALREADY IRREPERABLY MALFORMED, OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T BE POSTING THIS KIND OF DRIVEL.

ALSO, PERSONAL TEXTWALLS. WHO GIVES A SHIT! SERIOUSLY, IF I WANTED TO KNOW THAT YOU SHAT A FLOATER THIS MORNING RESEMBLING ADAM SANDLER'S VISAGE, I'D TELL YOU. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT FROM HERE ON, I WILL ONLY BE GIVING IMPORTANT UPDATES ON THE FILM SCENE AND MY STELLAR ROMCOM OPINIONS.

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. YOU DO NOT GET TO COME INTO MY INBOX ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE BEEN "RAW DOGGED BY THROBBING MEAT." I AM 6. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES PUPPET ASS HAS ROCKED YOU TO SLEEP AND PERMANENTLY DAMAGED YOUR THINKPAN, IT'S FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE AND I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN ANSWER ALL OF YOUR DUMBASS INQUIRIES, GENUINE OR NOT.

AND I AM NOT YOUR FAN. IF ANYTHING, YOU SHOULD BE MY FAN, CONSIDERING THAT PUTRID FLESHY MASS OF PARTS YOU CALL A BODY WAS GIFTED TO YOU DIRECTLY FROM THE PALM OF MY FROND STUMP. YOU SHOULD BE PROSTRATING BEFORE ME AND QUIVERING BENEATH THE HEEL OF MY BOOT.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE, WHICH APART FROM "MEGALOMANIAC PILE OF DIAHRREAC LIQUID SHIT LEAKING FROM A BROWN PAPER BAG" IS A PERSON WHO I WOULD RATHER NOT HAVE ON MY *MOVIE REVIEW* BLOG. SO DO US BOTH A WHOPPING FAVOUR AND STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE HUMAN INTERNET.

IT'S HILARIOUS THAT YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD WOUND ME. I INVENTED THE CRAB RATING SYSTEM, SHITHEAD.

STEVE CARRELL PLAYS THIS NERDY ELECTRONICS SALESMAN WHO IS UNLUCKY IN LOVE DUE TO HIS CRIPPLING SELF DOUBT AND GENERALLY MAKES EVERYONE AROUND HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. HITS A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO HOME BUT I DIGRESS. I'M NOT THAT OLD ANYWAY, AND I STILL HAVE A CHANCE, GIVEN MY HOME PLANET WAS BLOWN INTO SPACEDUST.

FUCK, BACK TO THE MOVIE. HIS COHORTS FIND OUT HE HASN'T FILLED A PAIL YET AND NATURALLY RAG ON HIM HARD FOR IT. THEY ALL HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS ON HOW TO GET HIM A PARTNER BUT THEY ALL FAIL MISERABLY BECAUSE HE IS SO SOCIALLY INEPT HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO POUR PISS OUT OF A BOOT IF THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE ON THE HEEL.

HE ENDS UP FALLING FOR THIS PLUCKY LADY WHO WORKS ACROSS THE STREET FROM HIM AT A PSEUDO THRIFT STORE WHERE SHE SELLS THINGS ONLINE I GUESS. IT'S HONESTLY THE MOST MORONIC HUMAN OCCUPATION I HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS IN THIS FILM VENTURE WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. THE BEST GAG IN THE MOVIE IS THE SCENE WHERE JONAH HILL WALKS IN ASKING ABOUT A PAIR OF BOOTS. I LIKE HIM, HE'S FUNNY. THE KIND OF GUY I WOULD HANG OUT WITH AND MAYBE BUY A COUPLE OF BEANBAG CHAIRS TO LOUNGE AROUND IN.

ON THE OTHER FROND STUMP, I CAN'T FUCKING STAND SETH ROGEN. HE SHOULD BE CALLED DEATH ROGEN BECAUSE HIS HORRIBLE FACE MAKES ME WANT TO BLOW CHUNKS UNTIL I PASS OUT AND ASPHYXIATE MYSELF.

HIS VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO VIOLENTLY TEAR OFF MY SHAMEGLOBES AND SHOVE THEM INTO MY HEAR DUCTS, AND EVEN THAT WOULDN'T BE REFUGE FROM THE QUAKING I EXPERIENCE WHEN HE APPEARS ONSCREEN. HIS LAUGH IS SO AWFUL, I ALMOST WONDER IF IT'S AFTERSHOCKS OF THE VAST GLUB HITTING MY PAN, BUT IT'S JUST THAT NASALLY PIECE OF SHIT ASSAULTING ALL MY SENSES. MAIMING WRIGGLERS WOULD SOUND BETTER THAN THIS PRICK. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S IMDB PAGE, HE HAS NO PLACE IN A ROMCOM. I JUST GET SO IRRATIONALLY ANGRY WHEN I'M FORCED TO SEE HIS FACE I HAVE TO FAST FORWARD THROUGH EVERY SCENE HE'S IN, WHICH IS A LOT. THE RIGHT ARROW KEY ON MY CRABTOP IS ALMOST BUSTED NOW DUE TO THE SHEER FORCE OF MY RAGE-INDUCED BUTTONMASHING.

ROGEN RUINED THIS MOVIE. 1 OUT OF 5 CRABS.

FIRST OFF, THIS MOVIE HAS NO BLOODSHED WHATSOEVER, AND FOR SOME REASON THE MAIN CHARACTER ADAM SANDLER HEALS AQUATIC MAMMALS RATHER THAN KILLING THEM. HE IS SORT OF THIS SLEAZEBALL WOMANIZER TYPE WHO TOSSES LADIES ASIDE WHEN HE'S DONE WOOING THEM, AND HE CAN AFFORD THIS LIFESTYLE BY NURSING PENGUINS AND SHIT BACK TO HEALTH. DON'T ASK ME WHY THAT'S A THING, I'M STILL A FIRM BELIEVER IN NATURAL SELECTION, BUT I FIGURE IT'S HUMANITY'S TENDENCY TO KEEP EVEN THE MOST USELESS AND PITIFUL THINGS AMONG THEM ALIVE.

ONE OF THE FIRST SCENES HAS SANDLER PERFORMING CPR ON THIS GIANT GROTESQUE SEA CREATURE CALLED A WALRUS. I GENUINELY HAD TO DOUBLE CHECK WHAT GENRE THIS MOVIE IS, BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS TORN STRAIGHT FROM MY NIGHTMARES. I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS THING'S EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE IS. THERE IS A RUNNING GAG THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE THAT THEY HAVE BIG "WINKIES", THE SECOND LARGEST OF ALL EARTH MAMMALS IN FACT, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. I GUESS IT'S THEIR THINKPAN.

ANYWAY THE WALRUS ALMOST MAKES THIS MOVIE UNWATCHABLE BUT I'M STILL NOT THROUGH WITH STUDYING THE SPECIES I'VE CREATED SO WHATEVER, LET'S KEEP THIS FUCKING TRAIN A-CHUGGING.

THE RED-AT-FIRST-SIGHT TROPE IS IN FULL FORCE HERE, BUT THE MAIN FEMALE HAS BRAIN DAMAGE SO SHE KEEPS LIVING THIS GROUNDHOG-DAY REALITY WHERE EVERY DAY IS HER HATCHING ANNIVERSARY AND SHE EATS WAFFLES WITH ADAM SANDLER. HENCE THE TITLE "50 FIRST DATES".

WITHOUT SPOILING, IT IS VERY SIMILAR TO THAT ALTERNIAN FILM WITH TROLL DANE COOK WHERE THE DOUCHEBAG LEARNS TO LOVE BECAUSE A SPUNKY SUITOR CHANGED HIS PHILANDERER WAYS.

HONESTLY THE PHYSICAL COMEDY IS PRETTY GREAT, EVEN THE BIT WHERE SANDLER JUMPS ONTO A JETSKI AND BUSTS HIS GLOBES. IT'S PAIRED WITH FUNNY DIALOGUE TOO. DESPITE THE NON-VIOLENT APPROACH HUMANS TAKE TO ROMANTIC COMEDY, I THINK IT'S AN AWESOME REMAKE, DEFINITELY DOES JUSTICE TO THE ORIGINAL. I LIKE ADAM SANDLER. HUMANS WOULD LOOK BETTER WITH HORNS THOUGH.

I GIVE IT 5 OUT OF 5 CRABS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT "LOVE HARD".

YOU START THIS MOVIE HATING THE PROTAGONIST, NATALIE, WHICH IS A HUGE RED FLAG TO BEGIN WITH, BUT YOU KEEP WATCHING WITH THE SHRED OF HOPE THAT SHE MAY BECOME LIKABLE LATER ON. AND YOU NEVER END UP SYMPATHIZING WITH HER.

NOT ONLY IS SHE GLOBES-TO-THE-WALL STUPID FOR VISITING AN ONLINE BOYFRIEND ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH NO NOTICE, SHE MAY AS WELL HAVE DROPPED HER THINKPAN INTO A BLENDER AND DRANK THE HARVESTED BRAIN SLUSHIE BITS TO PROVE THAT SHE IS THE UNIVERSE'S MOST IDIOTIC PIECE OF LITERAL HOOFBEASTSHIT ALIVE.

SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THIS QUIRKY, UNLUCKY-IN-LOVE GIRL WITH A HEART OF GOLD AND A BAD DATING TRACK RECORD, BUT IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHY NOBODY WANTS TO DATE HER.

SHE ENDS UP VISITING HER MATESPRIT WHOM SHE'S MET ONLINE, BUT HE HAD BEEN CATFISHING HER THE ENTIRE TIME WITH SOME JOCK'S PHOTOS. IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE ENDING FROM A MILE AWAY, SCRAPE THE MOLD FROM YOUR PAN AND THINK ABOUT IT FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS.

SHE GOES FOR THE JOCK, FAILS SPECTACULARLY, AND REALIZES THAT SHE REALLY LOVES HER CATFISH ALL ALONG. IT'S A 12TH PERIGEE'S MIRACLE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

TERRIBLE ACTING, AWFUL DIALOGUE, AND THE COMEDY DOESN'T HIT BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS SO GAUDY AND TASTELESS THAT YOU END UP JUST WANTING TO PROJECTILE VOMIT ONTO YOUR DVD PLAYER.

I GIVE IT 1 OUT OF 5 CRABS.

(FOR THE ALTERNIANS OUT THERE, THAT'S THE SUBPAR HUMAN VERSION OF T.4.G.A.9.5.M.S. WITH TROLL WILL SMITH.)

I'M GOING TO BE SHEDDING LIGHT ON THE FUCKING TRAVESTY THAT IS HUMAN CINEMATOGRAPHY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, "WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY BRING TO THE TABLE THAT WE DON'T ALREADY HAVE?" AND THE ANSWER SHOULD PROBABLY BE "NOOKFUCK NOTHING."

BUT IT'S NOT!

THIS FILM IS ONE OF THE EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE THAT IS "HUMAN CINEMA IS TRASHY, CONFUSING, AND GENERALLY JUST A STEAMING BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE."

BASICALLY WILL SMITH PLAYS A GUY WHO PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDS THE THEORY OF QUADRANT COURTING WITHOUT ACTUALLY GRASPING THE FINER NUANCES OF ROMANCE. HE MAKES QUICK CASH BY TEACHING DUDES HOW TO SCORE. (I SHOULD PUT A DISCLAIMER SOMEWHERE IN HERE, MOST HUMAN MOVIES ARE HETEROSEXUAL DUE TO BREEDING COMPLICATIONS.)

I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND SPOIL THE PLOT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WATCH, BUT I WILL SAY THIS:

BETWEEN THE SASSY FEMALE LEAD, THE CLEVER DIALOGUE, WILL SMITH'S UNIVERSALLY CONSTANT IMPECCABLE ACTING, FLESHED-OUT SUBPLOTS, AND BOUTS OF WELL-TIMED SLAPSTICK HUMOUR, THIS FILM IS 100% WORTH THE WATCH.

I GIVE IT FIVE OUT OF FIVE CRABS.