ⁱ͟ⁿ͟𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙚 .

suguru , for once , feels it . he feels the chill that's suddenly come over the entire room , like a corpse was found . possibly the corpse of the person who once believed with all his heart and strength that jujutsu was for good rather than for evil , helpful compared to violence . & yet now , all he can imagine doing is nothing but that : violence . satoru's reaction to lean away brought suguru's eyes back to him , taunt as a muscle or a noose . he felt bad enough , but maybe it was for the better than satoru never understand what had happened while he was recovering from death . ( please don't give up on me . don't be afraid of me . i'd never hurt you . i'm not your monster . kill me if you want , but don't look so hurt . ) oh , how cruelly he'd treated even his fellow human beings , fushiguro toji , and left the shrine in such a state that suguru wasn't sure they'd be able to put it back together . no one came down there , after all . he felt shame though , under that gaze , like he was confessing as a child & being reprimanded for his tainted thoughts . that's what they were, after all : tainted , twisted into a monstrous amalgamation of what has happened over the past year . decrepit , twisted , insidious and malicious in intent . is it what he wanted to think , what he wanted to say to satoru ? never , he shakes his head in response ; no , he doesn't want to be thinking like this , he doesn't want to feel so helpless , so small . so rarely did those feelings arise , and only twice had they come to the surface ; one of those times being after everything was said and done with fushiguro . he was useless , but satoru had destroyed the opposition despite everything , had managed to get back up and defeat him , like a walking miracle . yet suguru . . . what did he do ? . . . nothing . maybe it was shock , maybe it was pain , but he couldn't even stand up . he had a chance , and he'd squandered it . a hand comes up to cover his face , shying away from their eyes , ashamed , and a little afraid . the only person who could hurt a strong person was another strong person .

❝ toru . . . something's wrong with me . something's been wrong with me . ❞ how did he even go about explaining it , what he was afraid was happening ? the curses he had been swallowing were now acidic , poisoning even his thoughts instead of just being satisfied in poisoning his stomach . ❝ of course i don't want to think like this . . . ! i know it's wrong , i know how i sound . i feel like i'm going crazy . the only thing i can think of is . . . maybe the rapid consumption of curses made my mental state deteriorate faster . . . ? . . . that's all i did without you around . to get stronger . . . to keep up with you . ❞ ( i was being left behind . so don't abandon me . don't leave me . ) a rainy evening in the middle of nowhere , it hit him while he stared down at the ball of condensed energy , the fact he hasn't seen satoru in weeks , and that since their last glance , he's done nothing but absorb these disgusting things . exorcised , ingested , exorcised , ingested , exorcised , ingested . absorbed all the dirty energy into his body because it was all he was useful for . ❝ . . . i don't want to kill people . i don't . so why're none of these thoughts going away ? ❞ ( trying to convince himself of his morals , his purpose , trying to reinforce a crumbling wall with pillars of sand that barely took shape nor remained in shape . he felt like his whole world was going up in flames , and he was useless to stop it . bit by bit , every ugly thing inside of suguru was coming to light & it was terrifying . )

coping . . . lying ? compartmentalizing, maybe. as logical as himself, hunting for ways to explain it all away, fragmented truths stitching themselves together to blanket over the entirety of exposed skin    small fry things shrunken in the razor - edged sweep of gojou's stare where it'd flickered, all like crushed watercolor, eyes dry and stinging as he eased himself back off his knees, hands trailing to trace the bones of suguru's arms up to his wrists &. jumping to brush over the twist of his hair / pausing, considering. and half handled, half urged with a puffed out ❝ scootch up a little, come on, don't let me fall, ❞ gojou eases him forward until he could fit himself in, burrowing a pocket of space for his own body behind suguru, sharing, angling. shuffling until comfort'd found a decent medium with his spine pressed back, breathing room enough to raise hands up and scratch the polished blunts of his nails down through the crown of dark hair where gojou'd picked the tie loose, thumb pressed at the nape of his neck, the knob of a spine risen beneath skin. doting the way he'd liked having done to himself, the way he'd done to an old stuffed toy before its dry stuffing had lost its glamour.

❝ 𝙗𝙧𝙖𝙫𝙚 & 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 . 𝙞𝙣 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙩 , 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙨 . ❞

indie , selective , private & panfandom animanga multimuse featuring YUJI ITADORI & RYOMEN SUKUNA as studied & characterized by percy . ( 26 ) . trigger warning for topics of horror , terror , blood , gore & murder .

❝ . . . . ❞ a creepily similar feeling he's felt before struck up his spine ; the same kind of emotional vacancy in the aftermath of toji's massacre , where satoru turned to ask in a childish voice ; should we kill them ? suguru's response on that day had been that it would be a fruitless endeavor , so it was better to leave it alone . however , he's flipped and regretted the answer multple times since then , since they'd both been high on adrenaline , soaked in blood , viscera , guts . ( still , as suguru tried to think of how he wanted to explain this . . . he could feel satoru's six eyes on him , relentless , piercing him through like a butterfly in a collection , not allowing him to escape . wanting to know . . . but suguru wanted to know too . he'd wanted to know since that day a year back . )

❝ . . . there's not much else . because we left , there's not much else . i don't know if i would be able to say that if . . . we had stayed . ❞ spoken in an attempt to do damage control , to alleviate any concerns that satoru had done something to cause this disenchantment . talking with tsukumo must have strained his foundational beliefs more than he thought ; curses come from humans , so in order to create a curse - free world , he just needed to get rid of them completely . it'd be a good thing , wouldn't it ? he was no gojo satoru , but he was still special grade , he could take out a lot of humans if he wanted to . release curses , cause an international accident , wipe curses out of japan at least . god , this is exactly the problem . . . ! moral , good people didn't think like this ! GOOD people didn't think this way . did that mean geto suguru was a bad person ? had he already slipped ? the idea of that made him recoil , almost curling in on himself in the chair , positioning his arms defensively as if doing it would help : god was he already lost ? ❝ . . . a lot of things happened while you were busy . i didn't want to bring any of them to you . i mean , you're the strongest now . you didn't need me dumping more stressful things on to you for no reason . toru , haibara's dead now . like riko . he was younger than you and i . and curses , we know where they come from . i thought if i just . . . killed every non - sorcerer . . . maybe it'd never happen again . ❞ ( you lost to a monkey like me , who can't even use jujutsu ! suguru clenched his jaw , he recalls those words perfectly . another horrible memory of laying on the stone floor , looking at the lifeless glassy eyes of riko amani as red stains spread underneath her cheek , believing for a time he was the only survivor , that this monster had killed everyone and that he was next . the worst , absolute worst three minutes of his life , bar none . ) ❝ no more incidents like riko's , no more curses . hell , even you wouldn't have to work as hard as you do . why do we have to die for humans who don't even try to help us ? why do good people have to die while those . . . monkeys live their lives in blissful ignorance ? it's disgusting , it's not fair , but it could be , if I just . . . killed them all myself . i think if I had stayed at the school for much longer , i would have done something terrible like that . ❞

maybe coming here to rest was initially satoru's idea , but the tiredness had only hit geto properly when he entered the safety of the private room that was assigned to them . the way that gojo suddenly speaks up though leaves no question that the other had something to say ; maybe they should just invent a code word for serious matters ? something that didn't feel so damning , like they had their crimes dragged into a spotlight . or was that just him that felt that way ? ( it was like that one movie , given a chance to survive without dragging the one person who mattered anything to him down alongside him . choosing to freeze & drown in an endless abyss wasn't such a big deal when faced with those kinds of consequences . . . when the scale wavered , suguru was more than willing to let his partner stay to weigh it than risk overburdening . if someone was going to die , it was going to be him . there's no argument to be made . )

even if it's something bad ? ( would satoru be shocked to know that suguru had been contemplating a way out of this life for a while now , the permanent solution ? or that he was throwing himself into danger with the sliver of hope for getting killed so he didn't have to do it by his own hand ? would he be disgusted ? . . . well , satoru had already surprised him once , taking his initial confession so well . maybe , then , there was a chance that he'd take another just as well ? ) what did the word bad encompass ? suicide ? mass murder ? all of which he's already entertained to some degree . breath drawn , suguru rests his chin on his hand , elbow on the arm of the chair . it was easier to talk if he didn't look right at satoru , avoided the initial reaction that was certainly going to be terrible . ❝ . . . it might make you incredibly unhappy with me . ❞ it's a warning he decides to pose , a sort of red tape that satoru would have to agree to cutting first -- it's been forever , since he was able to speak freely , maybe a year or more by now . the pit in his stomach grew deeper , more barren at the idea of continuing to hide the fact that he was rapidly decreasing in purpose . . . and simply leaving the campus wasn't the miracle cure he thought it would be . fuck . of course it wasn't . nothing was ever that easy . ❝ . . . how bad , toru ? ❞