their line of sight breaks like a blade had passed through fish wire, and gojou lowers his head, feeling the muscle pull, the protest in the stretch away from so many pangs of his pulse gone in a state of stiffness. maybe suguru'd guessed wrong after all - he wasn't unhappy with him. the phrase sank, foul sitting in an entirely stretched out size, near juvenile to think that'd sum up the singing stabs, the boiling heat brushing from his heart to the dry channel of his throat, he wouldn't be what'd fill in the empty slot of reprimanding sensei or faceless gaggle of law - making men, god fearing when the gods had unlaced shoes &. tangle - haired heads this close to the earth. ❝ . . . i don't have a righteous speech to bring down on your head right now, ❞ he says, a second try needed for the noise dying under a hard swallow, under the shifting of his weight once he'd stepped to his feet and crouched to the ground kneeling near suguru, chin level to the caps of his knees. ❝ i always just left that up to you. i bet you'd have a mouthful for me, if the case were the other way around. sorry. ❞ sorry, ( i can't be for you what you've always been for me. ) hair settles, parts between brows and white lashes with the upward angle of gojou's head, seeking to stare up past the shield of suguru's caged hands &. resting his own against his knees where the fabric'd worn thinner in use, trying, seeing clawing in silence for a modicum of credence to a suggested solution. like it were only as bad as leftovers saved for too many nights, like they could detox, could pat suguru down with a damp towel and send him to bed with bread and broth and nothing else, but. unfamiliar as the words fogging up from suguru's lips were, what'd rested beyond blood and bone was someone gojou'd know in a room of one thousand, one million. his eyes couldn't mistake the shape of his energy, and his soul couldn't argue it either.
coping . . . lying ? compartmentalizing, maybe. as logical as himself, hunting for ways to explain it all away, fragmented truths stitching themselves together to blanket over the entirety of exposed skin small fry things shrunken in the razor - edged sweep of gojou's stare where it'd flickered, all like crushed watercolor, eyes dry and stinging as he eased himself back off his knees, hands trailing to trace the bones of suguru's arms up to his wrists &. jumping to brush over the twist of his hair / pausing, considering. and half handled, half urged with a puffed out ❝ scootch up a little, come on, don't let me fall, ❞ gojou eases him forward until he could fit himself in, burrowing a pocket of space for his own body behind suguru, sharing, angling. shuffling until comfort'd found a decent medium with his spine pressed back, breathing room enough to raise hands up and scratch the polished blunts of his nails down through the crown of dark hair where gojou'd picked the tie loose, thumb pressed at the nape of his neck, the knob of a spine risen beneath skin. doting the way he'd liked having done to himself, the way he'd done to an old stuffed toy before its dry stuffing had lost its glamour.
he didn't have a righteous word. didn't have a working compass beyond that of his twisting gut sense, hadn't woken up days after tasting the blood from his own body with some higher clarity, some holier than thou stance towards justice, life on earth, sanctity. the world was the world, and killing fushiguro hadn't been hard. he wouldn't lose peace. it'd been easy, it'd been easy killing him, and . . . maybe that was why. care was needed, a stopper to disrupt the flow, a second opinion to slow the flick from the hand of a god who could shed it all in an instant it was easy to kill. ( and special grades were just . . . ) gojou pulls his lip between his teeth, wetting the dry skin. clearing his throat and mumbling ❝ we're running up your time. let's, just. just get some sleep for now. okay, sugu ? ❞ &. heavy fingers drifted down from the loose stream of his hair, cupping instead at his own elbows once gojou'd stooped closer, chest knocking against the backs of suguru's ribs, arms caging tight around his middle : hugging, indulging. hoping to just plant painful ideas like seeds in soil instead of having to say any of it, that he hadn't been able to meet suguru right away after haibara. had been too slow to do anything for riko, for kuroi. that things happened, things he himself might've prevented, might've helped. that no one person should expect to save everyone, not even in one fell swoop.
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