It must be so fucked up to be Luke Skywalker post-RotJ
You just barely survived after four years of being mentally put through a human meat grinder, you're not recognizing the person in the mirror anymore as yourself because that naive farmboy was just erased from existence, and the only happy memory you have as of recent is reconciling with your father moments before he died in your arms
And everyone around you are happy about his death, and all that remains for you is gnawing guilt because you feel like you've been slapped, spat on and gutted personally by the universe itself
You can't even share this feeling with anyone, the loss you carry, the grief over someone you barely knew - grief because you barely knew him, because all this time you could've had a father, you could've had a person who actually gets you, and you were robbed of it by the world you just saved, the very system all your friends are trying to reestablish
Even your sister doesn't get it - she had a loving family of her own, family your father contributed to killing by the virtue of being the part of the Empire, and she's happy that he's gone, because it means there's one monster less in this universe
Nobody understands why you're so sour even though "the bad times are over", nobody understands why you're so withdrawn despite being surrounded by friends, while you live every day of your life with a hole in your chest just trying to get by and not think about it
Because the only person that mattered to you, the person you built your entire life and personality around is gone, and this is your second crisis about it in the last year, just after you started to accept that the idealized version of your father doesn't exist, but you can still have a real one, the one who still cares and wants to be better for you, wants you two to be an actual family
And people are happy about it
People are happy about your loss, people you don't know congratulate you on it like it's an achievement, patting your shoulder and spatting all sorts of profanities in his back - "You must be so happy to finally be rid of this scum hounding you down, how did it feel to kill him? Bet he wasn't even that strong"
Everywhere you go there are people celebrating you not being able to sleep because of nightmares about him dying, and asking you to raise a glass to his suffering in whatever afterlife he ended up being
And all you can do is grit your teeth, make an awkward joke, and tell yourself not to ruin the mood, it's their right to celebrate
And when you're alone - all you can think about is what you could've done differently, doubting you really would make the same choices again if you knew where it leads, because where it leads is you having a second meltdown in a week because you don't know how to cope with this all alone and only person who could help you and guide you is dead
And people are happy about it
And you doubt it will ever get any better
Must be very fucked up, yeah
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