I miss taking the torch out at night when my parents fell asleep

I think it's insane that we're all alive. And every thought have about the universe has definitely been had before and I'm not going to contribute something philosophical that salvages something for others or for myself. I am not interested in blindly digging or any kind of digging. I want to see through the soil from where I am to no point at all. I want to allow myself to merge with the air, to know the air, to know the experience of a cloud without needing to read about it. To know how it feels to be something else and myself all at once. I don't know what I want to contribute or if that is the point at all and I might die before I figure out what I seem to always be looking for. I don't know what I am looking for but I am definitely looking all the time. This is my human experience, to be looking. Everything else is connection and it is incredible to be a bundle of nerves writing this paragraph that no one will read or will glance over or will read and connect to or will read and forget. It is a privilege to hope and love and to cry and to grieve and then again. I am connected to everything and everyone even when I forget.

I found drone footage of the exact cove near where my Grandad lived and one day I’m going to return there and sit on my rock again by myself and everything is going to be quiet save for the loud howl of the wind and I’ll have to stumble back down after a while because my ears will start to ring and I’ll walk to the black rocks and wade into the icy water and I’ll become a rock like the frog did the next cove over. There will be a rock like me in the water and water will crash onto me over and over and I will be scuffed and smoothed and I will always be there looking. 

A girl who looks like me when I was 18 and is the smash at Bigsound just like I was, and has a french fucking sounding name like I do is getting attention from a label that just dropped me. So there’s that.