Serendipity

I still often feel the need to be alone. During my this winter break, I lay down in bed, feeling the need to keep sleeping and keep resting.  I cannot pinpoint the cause of this fatigue, whether I have become too discouraged, whether I close my eyes hoping to think of nothing related to this world, or whether I am exhausted of all that has happened.

Memories can be so heavy.

Sometimes when I cry over the loss of my mother, the sorrow feels unbearable. I wish I had more memories of her being happy, joyful, and at rest. Some of these moments were captured when I was very young, too oblivious to understand how good I had it. I grieve over the lost time, and the moments to come where she will be absent. I have cried while falling asleep; I have cried while going for a run against the cold winds. Sometimes I find myself frantically digging up the old emails and texts that she had sent me, saved in my gmail, because I miss her words.

So much has fallen apart. So much has had to be rebuilt, and is still in the process of re-planting and re-growing. But sometimes I have this desperate need to go backwards and retrieve memories, before I can even think of going forward. The good and golden memories, I will keep. 

Thinking about it now, I feel like you have pointed me more to God than I have for you. And simply talking with you or thinking of you sort of reminds me to focus more on my faith--sort of grounds me. 

I say this because if ever you're having doubts about yourself and how you can show love to others, I think this is a great example of how you do that. I think just by being you, and doing the best to be who you are, being rooted in your faith really radiates to people. I hope this is making sense. But witnessing your life's ups and downs, and seeing glimpses of how you process through information and difficulties is very inspiring, refreshing and a learned experience. That in itself (you just being) already does this much, so I can't imagine the great hope that you will bring others on this upcoming missions trip. 

It breaks my heart every time to think about how you must feel with your mom's passing. But I'm so happy (and proud) to hear about each moment you strive to find the silver lining and to look at all the different perspectives with a faith filter, while taking the time and the moments to let yourself grieve and not deny the hardship.

In terms of your prayer request, with everything I've said about you above... basically I'm saying that you show such faith and hope, in my eyes. And for those to be real and possible and so strong and apparent, just goes to show how great your love is for God, and His for you, even when you think that it's not there. Maybe it's super cliche, but still to this day, whenever I read it, I feel like I'm overwhelmed with new inspiration and purpose: 1 Corinthians 13.