| this... this is nice |

The image of Astarion post-game that crystallized in my mind after experiencing emotionally & thinking through every single aspect of him, every dialogue, every tiniest bit of content BG3 gave us was of someone with much more maturity, awareness, experience and peace of mind, but at their core - still a chaotic rogue, loosely handling their morality and mostly chasing after the nearest pleasure, nearest excitement. Still someone gracefully prancing the edge of a "good guy" and an "self - serving decadent". That was probably the reason why I gradually stopped thinking about him that much, I just left the Astarion of my mind to do as he pleases.

But... At the Patch 5 reunion, unromanced Astarion says that he has willingly taken up the life of a heroic adventurer and seems rather content with thic choice. I was rather dumbstruck after this confession, but in a positive way. He gets to put his rogue skills to use, gets to murder people, to breathe in the sweet chaos of a battle, but overall... He does it for a good cause, it seems. I am quite sure he enjoys the attention, praise and glory this gets him, that he and his funky ego relish being the event and the hero of the hour, being lauded, admired and thanked, but even so, he seems to be doing the so - called "good thing" out of his own volution, and putting some good into the world, even if in his own way and to his own satisfaction (but after all, that's how the psychological mechanism driving the instinct of doing the "good thing" works for all of us). And he seems genuinely happy with that way of life.

It would seem I misjudged our favourite vampling after all. He may be even a bit better of a person now than I believed. Still Astarion... But just a tad better of a "human" being.

Spawn Astarion is simply delightful to talk to, romanced or not. You can just see it in his eyes; peace. Calm happiness. You can see how genuine his smile is when you hug him. He tells you he's taken up the life of a somewhat hero-ish adventurer, is contended with his fate despite not being able to walk in the sun, he's so glad to see you and the other companions, he wishes you the best and says it openly that they all deserve happiness. And the bliss and gratefulness of having his love by his side if you romanced him is incomparable.

And what about *Ascended*Astarion?

Of course he tries to assure you everything's going according to his masterful plan and he's living his best life. Decadent balls, opulent parties, spinning his vampiric web of connections, building his power, all that bullshit.

But if you take as much as a look into his eyes, you will see that he is unhappy. Frustrated, bored. That joyful spark is simply not there. His eyes are hollow. Just as his life and his soul is.

I actually rather like the "Astarion is not ready to be in a committed relationship during the events of Baldur's Gate 3" scenario.

How would you imagine Astarion falling in love without the circumstances of the tadpoles, illithids and Cazador's shadow looming over him? Or maybe with Cazador still around, even. Being in a tad healthier place, perhaps?

We've seen it all, every possible fantasy, from settling-down fantasy to shit like Karlach's ending.

Now...I agree with all the takes saying Astarion is a rogue at heart and wouldn't really be happy having nothing but domestic bliss to live on. I adore the ideas of him working as a tailor or perfumer, but I don't see him being ever truly satisfied with that kind of life only.

But at the same time... I don't think Astarion would really thrive on nothing and nothing but chaos. He would enjoy it, revel in it, blissfully, endlessly, shamelessly, but at the end of the day (or a century)... It would get him nowhere.

There is this line Cazador says if you talk to him without Astarion in the party; he's being cruel and abusive, but when he claims Astarion would run right back to him if Tav died because "he is capable of nothing else", he may be onto something. He did know his spawn. He did know how to twist him and keep him down. He did know all his games, facades, weak points.

Astarion is... Not a person of much substance, if you know what I mean. He is a joy to have around, he's loud, sparkling, beautiful, but that is all superficial. The life he's led before Cazadorr proves my point. Did he achieve anything, strived for anything, did he care much about anything? Was there any sort of purpose to his life? Not really.

And living without purpose gets you nowhere,no matter what kind of person you are. Either smaller and simpler, something down-to-earth, or any kind of a greater calling or service, but some sense of purpose and meaning. Pleasurable as it may seem, one can rarely make a truly meaningful and satisfying life with utter debauchery. Astarion's personality let absolutely loose, even with everything he's learned, might just as well eat its own tail and bring him back to his worst instincts, and no matter how far he would go to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy and enjoy like the tomorrow is endless (it technically is), he might discover one day even that gets... Boring. And did not lead him anywhere.

[https://www.tumblr.com/glitteryinknotes/733101911814848512/there-is-a-level-of-deep-bitterly-poetic-and?source=share]

This one line is the perfect irony I was talking about. Astarion's most gentle and vulnerable side appears in that moment; clinging to the idea that there is good in the world and people who bring it exist, because that abused, terrified, helpless, poignant part of him wants to believe that, needs to believe that he's not alone and will not have to face his greatest terror alone, now that he knows all too well what it means to be an underdog, less than a person, dependant on somebody else's whim, someone who holds all the cards in the circumstances he's been forced into. Against Cazador, without Tav and the gang, he is as defenseless and vulnerable as the tiefling refugees he was so disgruntled by protecting and helping at the very beginning of the journey.

And we all know it is heartbreaking to hear him say that right after.

At the same time, those lines are quite unlike his usual self. The Astarion who doesn't care about anyone's business but his own, won't scoop down to help anyone in need unless convinced to or ordered to or lured in by the promise of entertainment, and only has a heart for you and maybe a few of his favourite companions. This line comes from the part of him that only developped after everything he's suffered and came to see that people who abuse power are genuinely loathsome and a plague on this world.

...wickedly ironic that he can say THAT in the very same conversation.

The parallels between both Ascended Astarion and Astarion The Magistrate, and Cazador are way too obvious. Again, delightfully ironic.

A little personal confession at this point: I was always obsessed with the idea of Tav finding out about Astarion's life from centuries ago, and confronting him about it in some way. It's not impossible, if he indeed was a magistrate, some records of his "ruling" must be kept in some form of city archives, and all it would take is a trip to the city to do a little digging in the library. I think it would be challenging, but in a rather healthy way for him to see clearly what kind of a person he was (especially after the events of the game, with Cazador dealt with); seeing the parallels between not just who he could have become had he chosen to go through with the ritual, but his "original" self and his abuser, and being forced to reflect on the kind of person he will be in the future; someone following in those footsteps, or someone, while retaining his mischievous, hedonistic, self - oriented instincts, choosing to be better. Different. More than that.

Where do I even begin. I once posted here my thoughts on who Astarion was before Cazador took him; and all my thoughts were based on what we can assume to be canon from scraps on information in - game and interviews with Neil. That Astarion Ancunin who was laid into the ground at Baldur's Gate cementary was a corrupt magistrate, a shining example of power abuse, indulgence, hedony, existence in privilege without any service to the world around.

We also know for a fact that Astarion is not a good person in a moral sense. Again, Neil Newbon himself talked about it. He has capability to grow, mature, open himself up, soak in the positive influence and feel for others, but he never will be the default upstanding type. That is simply not at his core.

This is why (I am aware we're talking a fictional character, headcanon is free to all in whichever way they think it suits and pleases them) I cannot for the world believe in all the fanfiction based on the notion of the tragic, tortured soul unjustly attacked and turned into a vampire, because to me - it misses the entire depth and essence of Astarion's personality and arc. He was not a "worthy" persona before Cazador; in fact, the beating he got from the Gur was well - deserved and the near - death experience... Probably so as well. Maybe if anything, this would open his eyes and force him to reflect at least a bit on his choices in the position he was occupying. (But given that he mentions begging Cazador to turn him to be able to take revenge, I highly doubt that.) So yeah... The man got what was coming to him. He deserved it.

But what he got in the end once Cazador allowed him to drink his blood and had him in his hold? Two hundred years of misery and abuse beyond description, being completely stripped of any identity and personhood? No one deserves that. Such fate should not be thrust upon anyone. Ever.

It is the cruellest, most wicked twist of fate that it took that kind of ordeal to change a corrupt little elf's view of the world and force him to even acknowledge the existence of evil deeds and abuse of power - something I am quite sure he never gave any thought to before. It took being transformed into an utterly helpless victim to make him truly see that there is good and bad and perpetuating the bad leads to pain and misery for the innocents (and you can never be sure if not for you as well), and only then, at his most pathetic, most vulnerable, after centuries of torment, it took meeting, trusting, admiring, being grateful to, befriending / loving and being influenced by a genuinely good and kind person (probably the exact opposite of who he was before) to shake and cause some shift in his inner moral compass, or rather the way he was choosing to use it. The full circle, a poignant, unwilling journey from the one abusing power, to the enslaved puppet of someone with considerably more power abusing it in the most inhuman ways possible, and this time to his own woe, to the one person able to break the abusive cycle given the right influence.

Isn't that simply poetic in the most sickly sense? A tragicomedy, if you will.

Forget about Astarion Ancunin. The grave was good for lovemaking and sharing an important moment, but whoever was laid there was not anyone worthy of your time (just like "Ascended Astarion" )The one who stands by your side now is. Your Astarion. The new Astarion, the same "lovable rogue" with a taste for theatrics, drama, debauchery, beauty, murder mayhem and loose morality, but - a better person all the same.

[follow up post here