There I was the other night, lying in bed thinking of how every moment I've spent, since my last break-up, being happy, cheerful and filled with achievement and things checked off my bucket-list. I was comtemplating the fact that I don't want to be in any relationship anymore! I made a deal with myself that night and I smiled.. shook hands with myself in my mind. Never Again!
A few nights after that night, I went to the bar after work to have a drink before I head back home hoping I may bump into my friend Michael and have a chat. Michael wasn't there when I arrived, so I grabbed a beer and sat by the bar scrolling through my phone. It seemed to be like everyone was either getting married or celebrating being pregnant or having a baby.. i locked the phone and finished my beer. Just as I was about to get off my seat a guy aproached me and asked if he could by me a drink. I was taken aback by this and I don't know why I said okay. "Two beers", he said. And I was looking at him speechless. Something about this guy made me not able to say one word for some time and just smile.
"Sam" he said with a smile and his hand out for a shake. "Zack, nice to meet you", I shook his firm hand. And things were never the same after that hand shake. He was a guy with square classes over a pair of sleepy eyes and short hair with a defined beard and toned body showing through his body shirt. A handsome guy sitting across from me. We stayed at the bar talking for almost two hours before realizing the time. We agreed on meeting again tomorrow if we found the time. Amd the time was found and made. We met at the same bar and taked for hours on end. I started to feel something build inside of me. A feeling I know but can't quite name it. But that night as I laid in bed, I thought to myself that I'm sailing in dangerous waters. I'm liking this guy and I'm close enough to break the promise made a few days ago.
How can you say no to a thing that you don't know wil be good or bad?! Should I just ignore the feeling inside of me and stick to my promise?! Why shouldn't I at least see where this will lead?
I've had this constant dilemma and questions play over and over in my head. My anxiety increased and plays stronger at night. Nothing is helping. Mixed emotions. Fear joy anxiety happiness.. all mix together and make me nauseaus throughout the day. But when I see him.. all this goes away. I just enjoy his talks and laughs. They make me forget all the feelings and only one remains.. Content!
And now when he is not there.. I'm in a constant start of being lost in my head. Churned between my unsettling feelings and emotions.. with the question of "When's it going to happen?".
-glassofwinetalk
