i need to be put down :]

intro post finally!!

★ you can call me gl00my, twilight, gl00m, or twi

☆ i'm agender and i'd prefer if you used they/them when reffering to me

★ i use this blog to vent, so BLOCK, DON'T REPORT if you don't wanna see that stuff!!

☆ i frequently curse and mention death, but i try putting trigger warnings on all posts with that stuff. i always try putting TWs where it may be needed ^^

★ i am trying to get into a better headspace, so eventually i may not post as often

☆ the things i vent about on here are mostly what i know to be irrational feelings that i don't want to go to anyone i know with. or just because i find it stupid. i post on this blog just to air out the thoughts i'd otherwise keep inside.

★ i don't usually talk about my interests here, but you can always ask if you wanna know!!

TW: SH MENTION

i really almost got my razors out yesterday.

a text from one of my partners saved me.

i was in a daze.

looking for them.

just barely thinking.

i might've actually started cvtting if i couldn't be there yesterday.

i also wasn't thinking too hard whenever i brought it up to both my partners while we were out.

i made one fear for losing me.

i still didn't realize i could do that to someone.

i never thought bringing that up, even as a "haha, close call, huh?" would result in that.

seems i still underestimate the effect i can have on other people.

i really thought i was going to be able to hangout with my friends today.

i really hoped i'd be able to go.

i tried so hard to be able to get there.

but i can't.

i'll always circle back to being left out.

i need to get put down.

is it bad that i don't want him to ever move on?

despite me being aroace and thus unable to reciprocate his romantic feelings?

is it wrong that i just want him to stay by any means possible, and if it's this, then so be it?

i'm pathetic.

TW: VENT

i feel this song in my soul.

i hate myself for everything.

scratching and clawing at my cage internally rn.

i can feel my heartbeat.

today was a lot.

but i'm finally getting help.

i hope everything turns out well and i can really get better now.

listening to one of my partners and friends playing a game and complaining about people they used to be friends with.

a kind of person i used to be.

now i am so glad i learned how to shut up.

i would never have gotten this far if i didn't shut up and be quiet and stop talking about myself.

TW: VENT

i want to cry whenever my partners and friends say anything positive about me.

i cannot imagine me being worth any more than what i can give or do for others, so whenever they state that i am actually worth so much without having to do or give anything, i just.

cannot.

comprehend.

or at least...

i'm scared of being worth any more.

being worth more than the tiny trinkets i give or little actions i do.

if i don't get to see my partners and friends tomorrow i am going to

.•*°☆ c r y ☆°*•.

(T△T)

i have the day written down.

only 17 more years of this.

and then i'll be free.

i just need to be patient and persevere in the mean time.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPP!!!!