* 𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 / 𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕣𝕚𝕔

ardenlivvy  :  oh! um i mean if you don’t mind  ardenlivvy  :  i’d love some, are you sure? ardenlivvy : wait what’s the banner say?

MILANB  :  would  it  be  funny  if  my  finger  accidentally  hit  the  remove  friend  button  lol  !  lmk  !   MILANB  :  oh  fuck  me  !  is  it  a  banner  about  abstinence  ,  i  know  this  is  a  college  but  i  would  be  the  least  bit  surprised  by  that  shit  on  our  walls  . MILANB  :  the  minion  rockefellers  ,  of  course  .  we  should  …  set  up  a  meeting  with  them  .  my  gpa  would  skyrocket  with  that  hanging  around  .

                     COMING TO THE AUCTION WAS a mistake. a huge, colossal mistake. axel had already been on-edge most of the day, hardly able to pull himself together after his morning breakdown. he felt like a puppet, seeing his limbs move, his hands grasp wine glasses and whiskey glasses alike, but he felt empty inside, and he isn’t PROUD of it. he isn’t proud of the way that something as silly as a kiss could strip him of his feelings, of his personality, of his confidence. of everything that made him axel roy-dreyfus, the artist whose apartment doubled as a amateur therapist’s office, the way people came in and out to see him, to just chat and have a drink. whether he wants to admit it or not, giuliana clemonte is so TIGHTLY interwoven in axel’s matrix of emotions, of his personality, his identity. sometimes, he feels like he’s blazing a trail not just for himself, but to show her parents that he can be successful in untraditional manners. it’s probably about as PETTY as axel gets. 

the night goes by in one giant blur, partially because axel is hardly paying attention. he’s buzzed on a couple glasses of wine, still FORCING himself to keep composed, trying to control the aspects of his life he still has a grasp on — even if his fingers feel frail and numb, like he can hardly put a glass to his lips without second-guessing his strength. conversations with friends who seem more BROKEN than he is have left him no choice but to buckle up, to put on a happy, supportive stance when all axel really wants to do is go home, and lie down — but even home doesn’t feel welcome to him anymore. he’s been dodging yousef’s gaze all night, politely excusing himself from conversation if he even looks his way. he supposes he’s being dramatic: yousef is his BEST FRIEND, there’s nothing stopping him from simply going up to him and asking about what happened. he’s not in the wrong, after all. truthfully, axel supposes he’s embarrassed: to resort to crumbling in on himself rather than facing hard conversation. it’s what he had prepared himself to do, his entire time at cape coral — yet with two of his anchors now gone, he feels like a lifeboat, drifting away, further into sea with no real destination. but if he can help his friends: neels, ophelia, arden — if he can help them have better nights, then he can feel like he has PURPOSE again, at least. 

the little strength he had garnered from said conversations is fully ERASED when giuliana climbs up on stage, time spent with her being auctioned off. it’s almost laughable — how naive people are to think that time spent with her is quantifiable, how being in her presence, how the ability to make her laugh, to make her smile has a dollar amount attached to it. but she stands there, spotlights illuminating the softness of her skin. it’s clear she’s uncomfortable, that her parents have put her up to this ( the devil on axel’s shoulder TRIES to convince him that she’s doing this to move on, and this might be more public than tinder, but it certainly means she’ll be auctioned off to someone who could SUPPORT her ). the thought bubbles up inside him, igniting an ANGER inside him, and before he can talk himself out of it, he shouts an even higher amount in the air. 

STUPID. it’s stupid, it’s reckless, and is not at all giving her the SPACE they had agreed upon. no — in fact, it’s the exact opposite. he’s vying for her time again, like a hopeless puppy, BEGGING for attention again when it’s the last thing that he needs. his voice prompts giuliana to actually pay attention, her eyes searching for his in the crowd, and once they lock, for a moment, axel wants to smile. her eyes used to be the greatest source of COMFORT, he remembers gazing into them as they lay in bed, feeling safe, even without his parents around, feeling loved beyond measure, feeling respected, and adored, and looked up to. feeling like they could take on anything in the world — that is, except her parents. he can feel their icy gaze upon him, and he faces, them, too: mrs. clemonte’s eyes are furious, her lips pressed together in frustration. it doesn’t take him but a second to get the message — and luckily, someone else has saved him from a lifetime of scrutiny by increasing the bid. exit axel — he should know better he’s no longer welcome on stage with the clemonte’s eldest daughter anymore. he isn’t worthy. 

it’s a similar scene — one a little too FRESH in his brain for his liking. he feels his feet drag him OUT and AWAY again, perhaps the too literal sense of giving her space. he doesn’t know where he’s going, but he needs to be alone. he doesn’t have the mental, nor the emotional capacity to be a LIFEGUARD for anyone else except himself. save yourself, the angel on his shoulder whispers, one of the only times he thinks of himself before gazing into the eyes of each and every one of his friends before he used to leave a scene, to ensure every one of them would be getting home okay. he wouldn’t have been of any use anyway — the tears that well in his eyes can’t recognize anything except vague shapes and objects. he’s running away from the crowd, almost certain he is far enough to let tears flow freely without EMBARRASSMENT, when he hears her voice. her voice. he doesn’t need to turn around to recognize it, he would remember the sound of her voice in life and death. it’s soft — and axel’s almost scared to turn around, to face the source of all his inner turmoil. the tumultuous sea of emotions he can’t grasp. he’s not ready, not in the slightest.

but her fingers grasp the fabric of his shirt and he turns, knowing wholeheartedly that no matter how hard he TRIES to put distance between them, for the good of both of them, his heart is still tethered to her, and he’ll return back to her, like a boomerang, faster and stronger, and searching for her grasp. his heart physically ACHES, it pains, it calls out to him like he’s drowning, and this time, giuliana isn’t the anchor, she is the STORM. she doesn’t even know that he’s seen her, in the arms of someone else ( even if it was his best friend ) — and even if it feels like an arrow to the chest, he can’t help but replay the look the clemontes flashed him burns like a POISON in his mind, telling him to get out, echoes that ring in his brain until he does. 

“ gi, what are you doing out here? ” he asks as he shakes his head, knowing full well she should be back inside, with her family, with the guy who will be her date tomorrow. he refuses to let the tears in his eyes fall, to become evidence of how much PAIN he suffers — he won’t let her feel responsible for it. he forces himself to be numb, instead of sad, instead of heartbroken like he truly feels inside, the pieces of his heart glued together frantically like paper-mâché. “ no — i mean, was absolutely IDIOTIC of me to do that, in there, to bid on you — that’s the fucking opposite of space, and i’m — i’m sorry. i don’t … i don’t know why i did that, ” he says, running frantic fingers through his curls, feeling the chill of the night raise goosebumps under his lightweight shirt. “ i’m just … complicating things and i don’t want to be. your parents, gi — ” he sighs, feeling repercussions build exponentially, the weight of each choice he makes making him feel extremely small and utterly useless. “ — please, just tell them it was just me, okay ? that i’ve been … i dunno, trying to talk to you again, or something — the last thing they need to hear from you is talk about US. ” it absolutely pains him, more than ANYTHING, when all axel had wanted for the longest time was for him to be ACCEPTED by them. tonight has been all but explicit confirmation that they never will, that no matter how well he treated giuliana, he’d never be enough. he’d never be the son-in-law they would picture for their daughter, just as he’d never consider them as parental figures he so desperately longs for, even if he can’t admit it to himself. 

“ listen … this SPACE thing … ” he pauses, desperate to look into her eyes and find some sort of sign, but deep down, he knows what’s the best for them, for her. the selfish part of him wants her to interrupt, to tell him that she wants to spend the night at his place again, lips and arms and legs entangled one last time, but nothing comes, and he’s forced to say words that physically PAIN him. “ … it’s … it’s only going to work if we really commit to it. ” he wants to reach out and grab her hands, to rub circles in her forearms to let her know that he’s here, he still cares, more than he could ever explain. “ whoever in there who got so lucky to win you as a date … ” he glances back at the building, the crowd that applauds and laughs and cheers as dates are bought and sold, “ … you need to give him a chance, ” he concludes, his voice is soft and solemn and completely reluctant. he swallows, the back of his throat feeling dry and scratchy from all the NERVE it took him to say that. “ promise me — gi, you … you deserve to be happy, too, and we … we both know that i’m not the answer to that. ”

     axel is a novel she’s read cover to cover. the metaphorical edges of his pages are DOG EARED , and her eyes have glanced over the words of her favorite passages so often that she feels she’s written them herself. hence her immediate inkling that he’s holding back , that he’s concealing something. after years of complete transparency , of understanding his thoughts and feelings better than her own , the idea feels like a BLOW to the chest.

     she tenses at the mention of her parents , their interference in she and axel’s relationship a twisted knife in a wound she’s desperate to start healing. though , truth be told , their hold on her is MEANINGLESS these days. partly because she has , over the years , gotten used to her parents’ machinations and manipulations , learning to bend around their hopes and wishes like water does around an obstacle. mostly ( and increasingly ) because she continues , in secret , to prepare for a life without the chaos and destruction the clemonte name leaves in its wake. for a life where the strings her parents have tied around each of her limbs in a transparent need for CONTROL are severed and rendered nothing but memories of a painful past. their hold on axel , however , is something she cannot bear. it’s anger-inducing and bubbles up within giuliana like magma underneath the earth’s surface. ❝ look , fuck my parents , alright ? ❞ she blurts out , wrath pouring out of her openly , a breath following her words as she attempts to compose herself ( after all , axel only knows a small part of the bigger picture ) , ❝ let’s just ... let’s forget them for a second. because all i do is spend my life thinking about them , talking about them , making them happy , and feeling like i’m SUFFOCATING in the process. ❞ a sharp , pained exhale escapes her , fully aware that more could slip out from beyond her lips. now isn’t the right time for long , convoluted confessions about her family tree and its twisted branches. now isn’t the right time to delve into how tightly her desire to be the perfect daughter wound itself around her throat , transforming her into nothing but an empty vessel , submissive to her parents’ expectations and wishes.

     all she knows , in this particular moment , under a sky freckled with stars , is that axel is the only choice she’s ever made herself. that the feelings she has for him are her only ANCHOR to who she truly is. but , while he pulls her closer to a version of herself she’s happier embodying , she knows that she pushes him away from the best version of himself. or , at least , she makes it harder for him to focus on who it is he wants to be , something she cannot allow herself to do any longer. not when she stills feels so STRONGLY about him. when you love something , let it go , right ? 

     she feels her heart plead out for more time , for another embrace , for another kiss , for another five minutes to gaze at him while he sleeps. pained thoughts are brushed aside as the SPACE between the two of them in finally brought up , its inefficiency glaring. prior to recent events , and in a blind moment of hope , their incapability to stay away from one another felt like a surefire sign that the two of them were meant to be , rendering any attempt at forcing space useless. but , as she notes the anguish veiled behind his composure and the impassive tone of his voice , she knows. were they truly meant for each other , neither of them would feel like this. their days would be spent building something up , rather than trying to SALVAGE parts out of a mountain of rubble. ❝ you’re right , ❞ she murmurs , her voice barely audible , even to her , her throat tensing up as it forces her imminent tears to delay their appearance , ❝ we owe it to ourselves to try out something new , instead of just ... blindly sticking with each other. ❞ as the words claw their way out of her mouth , she’s forced to ignore how painful they are to say , how horribly FALSE they are. the pull she’s feeling to him as they stand face-to-face , almost angelic in their matching white outfits , is anything but blind. 

     her gaze mirrors him as cheers roar and echo out from the nearby buildings , the auction feeling ( and sounding ) more and more like some sort of BARBARIC ritual than festivities organized by a school. in the midst of it all , giuliana’s heart feels like the blood sacrifice , like the lamb slaughtered at the altar to ensure a peaceful , bountiful future. her eyes shut tightly as he mentions ryan atwood , tears forcing their way to her eyes , the thought of untethering herself from the one person she’s ever truly loved ( and temporarily replace him with someone who believes she can be bought , like his mother’s pearls or the cars his father keeps in his garage ) too overwhelming for even her to conceal. ❝ you know that that’s something i can’t PROMISE , ❞ she sighs out , feeling tears glide down the pearls of her dress , despite her continued efforts to keep them contained , to keep them hidden , ❝ you can’t ask me to do that. ❞ weakness gets the better of her ( as it often does , around him ) , and her eyes open , revealing just how ravaged she is by the conversation.

LULUREYES: TO BEAT THY ASS MEANS YOU MUST CATCH ME FIRST LULUREYES: i feel both scholarship students and cape coral’s very own has those bunch that don’t care what happens because they love mary jane that much LULUREYES: hope no one notices until their next meeting so all our rich families end up mortified LULUREYES: do you know how absolutely stunning you’d look in those glasses? this is a shame against humanity

ardenlivvy  :  please say it’s about free coffee ardenlivvy  :  otherwise i might fall asleep where i stand      

MILANB  :  don’t  call  me  sweetie  pie  ,  i’m  too  tough  and  manly  to  be  a  sweetie  pie   MILANB  :  oh  fuck  okay  okay  ,  shit’s  getting  intense  now  . MILANB  :  you  know  in  hsm3  when  there  are  those  giant  banners  of  troy  and  chad  ?  that  kind  of  banner  ,  but  with  mr  rockefeller  on  it  .  it’s  his  world  ,  we’re  all  just  living  in  it  .

LULUREYES: certain dresses make me look like a fashionable sack of potatoes LULUREYES: do you really think that’s a misprint or a prank? LULUREYES: the headmaster will never let this mess up down and forever be seen as pro smoking LULUREYES: we could’ve wear the prettiest green attire and say that these are the words headmaster lives by before cutting

LULUREYES: we both know i’m a horrible guesser and that is facts LULUREYES: so what does it say? LULUREYES: i’ve always wanted to cut a red ribbon with the most massive scissors money can find and they took this opportunity from me

MILANB  :  is  it  a  banner  about  parker  community  college  ?  if  i  have  to  hear  about  that  place  one  more  fucking  time  … MILANB  :  i  could  use  a  candy  bar  though  .  am  i  right  ?

LULUREYES: how much do i get if i guess your last name is on it? LULUREYES: i’m surprised they didn’t rally us up for the big banner reveal

          ❛  just  the  person  i  want  to  see  ,  ❜  she’s  a  force  of  nature  in  a  chanel  skirt  ,  arm  looping  through  gi’s  as  soon  as  she  sees  her  .  there  are  the  smallest  remnants  of  tear  tracks  beneath  her  eyes  ,  sunglasses  to  hide  the  bags  .  she’s  trying  to  look  unaffected  by  what  was  presumably  her  break  -  up  -  and  failing  .  the  previous  night  had  been  spent  with  a  tub  of  ice  cream  ,  her  finger  constantly  close  to  tapping  the  ’  dial  ’  button  on  her  screen  .  she  was  not  one  to  swallow  her  pride  ,  however  .  so  tybalt’s  number  had  gone  undialed  .  still  ,  her  smile  is  radiant  as  she  gestures  towards  the  parking  lot  .    ❛  you  weren’t  doing  anything  important  ,  right  ?  why  don’t  we  go  to  the  mall  or  something  -  my  treat  .  ❜  winona  spending  money  on  someone  besides  herself  ?  she  must  be  desperate  .  @givlianas​

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