It doesnt matter, cause she's so far gone.

I know who it is when my text alert sounds, I know its her, and I know I should ignore it because nothing good will come from this exchange. Nothing good ever happens after 2 am. I just wish she wasn’t who she was, because if it was any other girl I would be strong enough to say no, I’d be strong enough to ignore the phone. But this time, like all the other times before, I wont ignore it, I’ll answer it and I’ll go wherever she is and I’ll be whatever she needs me to be in this moment.

‘I miss you’ it reads, I roll my eyes, she has said this before, and she’ll say it again and I’ll fall for it every time.

‘Do you miss us?’ So she hasn’t been drinking, its legible, she’s either up too late and thinking or, she’s up too late and she’s not thinking.

‘I’m sorry ‘bout last time; you know I love you, answer me’ three in a row, she’s getting persistent. Sometimes I like to see how many she’ll send before I respond, because this will be the only time tonight when I will hold any of the power in this relationship. Five more minutes and no new message, so I’ll need to respond soon or I might lose this moment.

‘Course I do’ its all I can muster; I wish someone would take her phone away; in the end she’ll be the death of me, and I wont survive her.

‘I knew you did.’ Did you see that? All of the power I had is now gone, she’ll have it all now. ‘Have you been thinking about me?’ All the time, constantly, I wake up thinking about you and spend most of the night lying in my bed, and looking at the ceiling wishing you would make up your mind. I can’t respond with that though, because she can’t handle that much truth, she can only handle the childish back and forth.

‘Yes, Rae, I’ve been thinking about you’ too many words, I’m saying too many words.

‘Come over’ I shake my head no, I will not do this again, she is going to destroy me. I run my hands through my hair, I am showered and ready for bed, not ready for a 20-minute car ride to hers.

‘You think that’s a good idea?’ I ask tentatively, most of me wants her to say no, it’s a horrible idea, but I want you to anyway. But then there’s that voice in my head saying, you know this is a terrible idea and that you’ll be worse after this is over.

‘It’s an excellent idea, see you in 20’ and she’s right, she will see me in 20 because I’m the fool, and she’s got me on a string. Deep down I know this should be the last time I come over. She’ll say she misses me that she loves me and then in the morning, in the morning she’ll be different. I wont be though, I’ll still be the same stupid Finn making these same stupid decisions, maybe I’ll be a little different I’ll be a little more broken.

After spending 30 seconds pretending like I wasn’t going to go, I found myself in my car driving straight to her. After sitting in the car, looking at the light on in her bedroom window I found myself heading up the walk and knocking on the door without hesitation. I’ll save the hesitation for another time, cause right now she’s gonna open this door, pull me in by my jacket and kiss me as hard as she can and all I’m going to taste for the rest of this night is whatever cheap wine she’s got, her mouth, and her body.

“I’m so happy you came” she smiles and it breaks me even more.

“Course I did” by the time the door has shut behind us, and she’s flipped the lock I know I’m in trouble. This night’s gonna be different, because she’s made popcorn and she’s readied a movie and spending quality time with her not just the tiny pieces of herself she’s only ever given me, never all of her, I’m not going to make it out of this night with the rest of my heart.

“I thought we’d watch some TV, yeah?” I’d agree to anything, any amount of time she let me spend just being around her. I shake my head in agreement and we settle in on the sofa. She’s in my head, and I don’t know if this is a new trick or if she’s changed, and she’s going to give me more of her.

Wait ten minutes Nelson, you’ll find out.

“You’re so far away from me,” she says tucking one hand under my arm drawing me in closer to her perfection. I let her consume my space and I am flooded with how she smells and my stomach wont stop doing somersaults waiting for what will come next. She’s gonna leave me such a mess.

If this wasn’t my fault, if I hadn’t broken her first, maybe it wouldn’t be like this, and maybe one day she’ll trust me with more of her. Until then I’m gonna take what she offers me.

Warm kisses trace my jawline, and I can feel her hands all over me, and I can’t breathe, and I’m so happy in this moment because I am in love with her, and she; she only gives me pieces of her love now.

“Did you miss me?” She asks again, and I can’t answer her, so I’ll show her this time how much. She tells me she loves how I make her feel, and that no one knows her body like I do, and how to make her feel good. But I want to make her feel good all the time and she only wants me to make her feel good when she calls me at 2 am.

After she’s gotten what it is she needed from me tonight we’ll fall asleep in her bed, this she always gives me. She’ll afford me the luxury of sleeping next to her, and waking up surrounded by that mess of dark hair on my shoulder. But after we’ve had coffee and she’s awake enough to realize that I’m still here and she has to say those same words to me again, the air gets thicker, and I can feel it change when that happens.

“You don’t have to say it again this time” I’ll save her a few words this time.

“I know” she half smiles, and wraps herself up tighter in that ratty bathrobe “but I’m still sorry.” And it’ll sting just as hard every time she says it, and I’m going to keep coming back when she calls every time because I know one day she’s going to wake up and not feel like she made a mistake with me.

“I do love you” she huffs “and I know you want it all, but I’m not ready for that.”

“I know,” it’s my turn to half smile with my reply “I love you too.” It’ll be all I can do to get out of this place without breaking down in front of her. “Let me just get dressed and I’ll get out of your hair.” Her pretty little head tilts and she looks at me like I’ve said the most offensive sentence she’s ever heard.

“I didn’t ask you to leave,” and I’ve never been told this in the morning. She’s always hurried me out; she’s never ready to let me be there with her in a way that wasn’t in the bedroom, not since I let her down. “I’m not asking you to leave, I’m actually asking you to stay. I cant promise that I’ll be better this time, that I wont push you away again but I feel better about this now and I’m always going to love you so I either need to forget about you or give you another chance because this back and fourth is exhausting for both of us and frankly I’m shocked you’ve put up with it for this long.”

“You’d be surprised what I’d put up with when it comes to you” I smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips.

Iris told me to make it longer, but I didn't listen. Even though I love her, and she’s always right.  I just found it again and decided what the hell, I’ll throw it up. If you hate it thats okay, but this was the only way I could cope with that ending. Which still gives me heartache. 

“You know,” he said looking down, shuffling his feet “I” he blew out all the air from his lungs. There was no way he was finishing this thought, not for a while at least, it was best to let him take his time. His teeth bit into the flesh of his bottom lip and I could see all the blood rushing to his cheeks, like all the words were swirling around in his head, right on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t quite get them worked out. I couldn’t work them out for him; I couldn’t work them out for myself.

 His tongue peeked out wetting his lips and he tried again “I’d just” he jammed his hands into the pockets of his tux and threw his head skyward, visibly deflating right before me. If I was a better person I would have been able to hide the smile on my face, thankfully his back was now facing me.  

 I knew he was no good with words; no good with speaking but this was another level. He walked to the table and sat back down, shaking his head. Maybe I should just put him out of his misery.

 “Finn, why don’t we just go back inside?”

 “I know, I know, I don’t deserve it” he muttered  “but can you just, please, give me a few minutes?” He was right but I nodded and pulled my jacket tighter and softly signed agreeing to wait it out until he finally found the words he was looking for.

 The silence was something you could physically feel once it had stretched on for so long and I don’t know that I had ever experienced a moment so uncomfortable with him, certainly not in the last year.

 “You know, I’m always going to be in love with you, for the rest of my life”. He didn’t look at me as he spoke. He looked up and out at nothing, like maybe it wasn’t out loud if he didn’t make eye contact. “And its really terrifying to know” he laughed, not like it was funny but like he was trying to distract himself “to know that I, myself, managed to fuck up the only thing I really wanted.”

 His hair was already a mess, he looked like a kicked puppy and I honestly didn’t know what to say at this point.

 “Finn” my voice was not as steady as I wanted it to be.

 “Don’t,” he begged letting his eyes fall shut “just don’t say it right now”. I could feel myself tearing up and I so badly just didn’t want to cry right now. He looked over at me for the first time in probably 20 minutes and smiled, the kind that just broke your heart all over again. “Don’t cry, you look so beautiful tonight, I don’t want you to cry.” I bit the inside of my cheek because that pretty much guaranteed I was going to. It was my turn to look away. He didn’t speak for a long while, he gave me the time to collect myself and it wasn’t about him finding his words anymore.

 “I don’t know what I thought was going to happen when I asked you to come out here with me” he finally confessed “I just, I don’t want you to leave regretting everything with me.” He hid his face behind his hands “I wont blame you if you do but” he stumbled “I don’t want that.”

 “I don’t regret you” I whispered softly, he exhaled hard.

 “I am sorry you know, I’ll never be able to explain to you how sorry I actually am. When anyone asks me my biggest mistake, I’ll be able to think of it easily.”

 “Maybe you’re being dramatic” I needed to try and end this conversation; maybe some humor would do it, I nudged him with my shoulder.

 “I’m not being dramatic” He sat up, looking me in the eye “I am being honest, I fucked it up Rae and I’m sorry”

 “I know you are,” I said shaking my head “we’ll figure it out” I allowed myself this tiny moment of weakness and leaned over into him. “It probably wont be tonight, actually with your currently limited vocabulary, it will definitely not be tonight. It might be a month, a year or hell Finn I don’t know, five years from now but whatever is supposed to happen with us will work out.”

 The aching silence between us that seemed to always crawl on when he knew what he wanted to say and didn’t have the courage to say it was slowly building.

 “I don’t want to wait five years to get to love you again,” he whispered.

 “I’m sorry but you don’t get to make that decision” I stood up taking the hardest three steps I’ve ever taken away from him “but you know you also don’t have to wait on me, you should live your life, you don’t have to wait for me to be ready again.”

 He didn’t respond for such a long time I honestly didn’t think he was going to.

What the fucking, fuck, just happened in the entire last season of MMFD. I cannot. 

I was tagged by sevendeadlyfun

Do the questions and then tag ten people :) 

DO YOU SNORE? I apparently only do so in an "adorable" way.

LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Lover, I've never actually been in a fight.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? I'm totally gonna die alone.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? No I was more of a go outside and fuck shit up kinda kid.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY TV”? I hate pretty much all TV. I'm the least fun person to watch TV with because I just constantly bitch about the amount of noise it makes.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? I do not

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? Hella cute bby 

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? It's pretty shitty but I say this because I'm in love with a boy, who's in love with me too, and we just cannot get our shit together

WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Black

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? If I remember to bring my music I'm for sure singing, if not then I dont.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? hell nope

ANY SECRET TALENTS? Honestly I dont think so.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? I'm not that hard to please, I'd rather go to the lake, a cabin would be nice.

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? yes, yum.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”? No I have not.

DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE? I think yes but I'm not like actively out trying to do anything about it

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? 47

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? No, I for sure cannot.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? Yes

ARE SPEEDO’S HOT? No

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? If its used as a means to feed yourself or family then I'm all for it.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? I dont know really, it was already in my past when I was 19 but I'm not sure if it'll be in my future.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yeah its pretty boss.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? sunscreen - such a pain in the ass

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU"? If "bye love you" counts then like 45 minutes ago when I got off the phone, if we're talking I love you then it was a few days ago to said boy

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? Probably not

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Sometimes, depends on who's getting marrried.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Scrambled

ARE BLONDES DUMB?  just as dumb as brunettes and red heads.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? behind the dryer.

WHAT TIME IS IT? 6:58 PM

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? My friend and I call each other Sally but I dont know if that counts.

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? For sure

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? an hour ago

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Showers, I aint got time for that shit

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? Yes, just as my mother

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No, I love the dark

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Cigarettes

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Creamy. Always.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Yep

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? Once

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? If you're being drug tested regularly 

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS? No

HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED? No

WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR EYES? brown

WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today I'm a huge bitch today.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Most of the time

WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER? Everyone has problems, so some other life is always going to look better.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC? No

HAVE YOU READ “CATCHER IN THE RYE”? No.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? No

CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? no

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? I adore camping and will be going shortly.

DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH? Sometimes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? No, there is no magic

IS A DOG A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? Yes yes they are.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? This isnt a think you can not believe in, it exists, its done daily, so yes I believe in divorce, people change and grow apart it happens all the time

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? I cannot .

DOES YOUR MUM KNOW YOU HAVE A TUMBLR? Yes

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Taco Pizza

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH? yes, all the time, its blue right now

DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? I am in love with someone right now, yes

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? I don’t watch TV

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? Nope

FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? Not a band, but I've been all about some Ed Sheeran

Well my lovely birds, this is the last chapter and I'm kinda sad to post it because then I wont have anything else to write. But hohumi has a bit of a treat planned for you guys, as she's going to do Rae's POV to this au. I've read the first chapter and its very good!

I’m not gonna lie, I was glancing around making myself aware of each possible exit. I was ready to run out of that reception hall and jump into the first car I saw and get the hell out of there. But you know, running away only takes your body away from the problem. It never fixes anything and it never allows you to feel that sweet relief of finally making a decision and yeah sometimes the consequences aren’t what you want but sometimes they are. And even if I was never going to find out what the consequences would be had I made a different decision all those years ago, I could change this one, right now. I could finally give Archie something in return for all the pain I had caused him by leaving without a goodbye. I could and did tell that room a very embarrassing story involving a George Michael marathon of ‘Careless Whisper’ and a very drunk Archie crying about a guy who he’d never get over. But it ended on a high note.

“I may not know Todd very well quite yet, we’re gonna change that but I do know Archie and I know he’s the kind of person everyone wishes for. Todd knows he’s a lucky guy but they’re both pretty lucky because they both found the courage to tell the other how they felt, they took a chance and the reward outweighed the risk. If they hadn’t we wouldn’t be here today celebrating their love. Courage is a funny thing, everyone can wish it for you but sooner or later you have to find your own. So” I said lifting my flute “here’s to love and being the best damn example of finding your courage we could all ever hope for. I love you and thank you for allowing me to be a part of this day with you.”

                I will argue with anyone to this day that I have no idea how any of that actually came out of my mouth because I had a pretty well organized speech written down on a crumpled napkin in my pocket. I have never strung that many words together in front of that many people face to face in my life and come out of it without heading through the kitchen and out the service exit.  

The best part now was that I had seen her and had felt how much it was going to hurt to have her look into my eyes. If anyone had told me that heart break was an actual physical feeling before her I would have laughed in their face. But I could feel the pain burning in my heart and what that clearly meant to me was that it was time to start drinking something a little stronger and to start making my way to the exit. Knowing that she was looking at me made my fingers tingle, which was actually kind of alarming.

After making actual eye contact, I had hidden behind two pillars, ducked behind the bar, asked Todd’s grandmother to dance and awkwardly screeched out “gotta pee” in order to avoid her walking towards me. While hiding in the bathroom I was made.

“Your speech was perfect” Archie said clapping his hand over my shoulder, standing beside me at the sinks. 

“I thought perfection didn’t exist?” I shot back sarcastically

“Maybe it does, Nelson, maybe with you perfection just takes a little time” he raised his eyebrows at me, like that was supposed to mean something. “You know what I think it’s time for you to do now?”

“Please say leave through the back exit” he laughed and shook his head

“Nope, I think it’s time for you to find your courage” He loosened my tie and turned into me putting both of his hands on my shoulders “She’s asked me at least 30 times if you were planning on speaking to her, she has some things to say to you that I think you might actually want to hear”

“Before or after she murders me?”

“You’re so dramatic and that is not something I ever thought I’d have to say out loud to you.”

“I don’t know how I’ll go back to my normal life after she leaves if I actually speak to her. It was so hard when I first came here. All I wanted to do was talk to her and it was the one thing I couldn’t trust myself to do.”

“Well I’m officially passing my courage onto you now, you lion have found your courage, and are going to go back into that ballroom and talk to your dream girl.” I took a deep breath and exhaled possibly more air than I had taken in, I made it two steps to the door before he stopped me.

“You know I’m here for you, no matter what happens today. I don’t want this, no matter what happens to be another excuse to go back to emails monthly”

“You’re right Archie, no matter how this day ends, I’m not bailing on this friendship, I’ll go summering in the Hampton’s or whatever you fancy people do.”

“Shut up” he laughed smoothing out the lapels of my jacket and taming my hair, I had only moments ago destroyed.

“Make up your mind Archibald, you either want me to talk or shut up” I continued my path 

“Finn” I stopped and looked back at him “she’s not perfect.” Smiling, I pulled the door open

“She’ll always be perfect to me”.

                As fate would have it, or whoever had given her my latest location she was waiting across the hallway with two glasses and a bottle of champagne. I didn’t speak but I walked right up to her and she handed me a glass.

“We’re going to sit outside and look at each other until this isn’t weird anymore” she stated smiling.

“That might take a while”

“I’ve got all night” she whispered linking her arm with mine directing me to the previously closed off balcony.

                If you are ever experiencing the overwhelming feeling of being set up, you should just go ahead and assume it’s your asshole friends. When I turned to close the balcony doors behind us, I saw Archie leaning his head over onto Todd’s shoulder, Izzy having her belly rubbed by Chop grinning like an idiot and Chloe with her glass pressed to her mouth hiding a sly smile, all standing together, very obviously watching my life crashing and ready to be set on fire.

                It got weirder before it got better. I couldn’t sit still, she sat like the perfect creature she was in her long green dress on the bench facing the skyline and patiently waited for me to get my shit together. Occasionally she’d turn her beautiful neck around and look at me, smile and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, reassuring me she was ready to listen whenever I was ready to open my fucking mouth. She hadn’t really even changed, her hair still flowing down her back, those same plump lips I wanted on mine and her tell, the one thing she could never hide, she still had those nervous fingers, tracing patters on her own thigh. I was going to die. Finally after entirely too long, she turned around facing me and refilled my glass but she didn’t turn back around.

“It’s time you know” she said vaguely

“It’s past time” I responded weakly

“Since you aren’t doing so great at the speaking part right now, how about you do a little listening?” I took another deep breath and caved

“Okay, I think I can do that” I did not want to do that but I owed her that much, if she needed to yell at me then I’d take my verbal lashing and deal with the damage after this day was over.

“You’re so stubborn and you think you know everything” she paused and took a sip of her drink “and you don’t know anything, at least you don’t know anything about me. You just left me, you bailed Finn, you left when everything was such a mess and I was a mess and everything, Finn, everything was a mess and you couldn’t stop and see that leaving wouldn’t magically fix everything, it would just leave this hole that no other person would be able to fill or fix of whatever you thought it would achieve.” Another drink “it was still a mess even when you left, it’s still a mess today” she sighed “Eric was there and he didn’t think it was a big deal to hold my hand in front of the gang, he didn’t think that kissing me would ruin everything.” She stopped and didn’t speak for a few minutes and I felt like I had been holding my breath for an hour once she finally started again.

“It was so easy with him, he didn’t have any opinion that would challenge mine, and he let me have my way and never made me work for anything. It was so easy”

“It was easy?” I questioned

“It was, until it wasn’t easy anymore, until I was so bored from being in the same room with him that all I could do was get mad about the way he folded the towels. I yelled at a sweet, honest, loyal man for a year about the way he folded towels and it is entirely your fault.”

“How is this in any way my fault?” I asked genuinely confused

“It shouldn’t have been him I spent my time arguing with, it shouldn’t have been him I married, it shouldn’t have been him there when I needed someone.” She had tears running down her cheeks and my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces just like I knew it would. She tilted her head back and I saw the emotion drain from her body “it shouldn’t have been him” she finally looked back over at me “because it should have been you”.

                This is the moment Archie was talking about when I needed to be the lion who found his courage and I’m not proud of how unoriginal I was in this moment but it was literally the only thing I could force out of my mouth. It was so cliché that she should have just left me on the balcony to die.

“Rachel Earl, I have been in love with you from the first day I met you and I will spend the rest of my life in love with you and I should have said that to you a long time ago.”

“Then why can't you let me love you back?”

                It was the exact thing I had needed her to say to me all those years ago and they were no special words, nothing fancy nothing extreme. Just a question that I had never even entertained the thought of her wanting to do. I had convinced myself that there was no way she would ever love me the way I loved her that I never even gave her the chance. I had wasted years of my life and broken up so many friendships all because I was too afraid to take what was right in front of me. Well you know what? Fuck all this noise, I wasn’t waiting around anymore. If she wanted to love me back then she was getting all of it, she was getting my stupid love song dedications, she was getting roses on Valentine’s Day, I was going to take her dancing, I was going to take her on a picnic in the middle of central park and lay in bed next to her and whisper the lyrics to wonderwall in her ear after we made love. But right now, in this moment I was going to risk it all and finally kiss her so we could decide if this was ever really a friendship to begin with. So I did, I gathered up every ounce of courage I could muster, took three steps towards her, pulled her body against mine and pressed my lips to hers. I tangled my fingers in her hair and when I pulled back I internally begged that she’d pull me back in.

                Good news is, she didn’t knee me in the business. Bad news is that she didn’t immediately kiss me back. But what she did was better

“Take me home Finn Nelson so I can show you how much I love you” she smiled grabbing my tie pulling me back in. I wish I could explain to you how perfect this kiss was but I will never be able to, imagine everything you ever wanted happening in one single moment. Everyone was disgusted by the smile I could not remove from my face. Archie gave us his blessing to leave early and I broke the speed limit several times.

                By the time I had her pressed into my mattress, dress dropped from her shoulders in the living room, I was on another planet. It is an understatement for me to say to you that it was a goodnight. But if I thought the night was good, waking up to her head on my chest was something I’d never be able to face. I had Rachel Earl naked, in my bed, in love with me and I hadn’t been this happy maybe ever in my entire life.

  Two Years Later –

“I hate the way you fold towels” she smiled, shutting the bathroom door and walking into the living room.

“You love me and the way I fold towels” I returned her smile pulling her down next to me on the sofa

“You are wrong Mr. Nelson, I love you and I tolerate the way you fold towels.”

“As long as you still love me, I’ll re-fold all the towels in this entire building, Mrs. Nelson”

It was actually nicer than I expected spending time with Archie and I’d never admit this out loud but I didn’t even mind doing all the stupid wedding stuff, it was worth it to get to spend time with him. I had almost forgotten how much I missed him and how big the role was he use to play in my life, it was really nice having him fill that role again. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed being called an asshole, I get it for other reasons these days. Maybe this is why I had decided to keep everyone at arm’s length in the first place, even having this one little piece of home was making me nostalgic for the other pieces.

I had just finished my Thursday night shift and was pretty much dead on my feet, wanting nothing more than to go home and collapse into bed. I had managed to get out of working Friday night so I could pretend to get some sleep before the wedding. I was in exactly no way ready for what was waiting on me at the steps of my apartment building. In any other time I would have recognized her, I was still having a hard time from 30 feet away convincing myself that Izzy was waiting for me and even more aware of very obvious pregnancy. After rubbing my eyes, shaking my head and blinking for several seconds I decided I was not actually hallucinating and it was real.

“Hey Izzy” I tried to make myself smile, I don’t know how it translated

“Hey Izzy, 5 years Finn and all you can muster is Hey Izzy” she slapped my shoulder and shook her head at me “I’m very pregnant and its hot outside, so take me in and offer me something to drink”. The must have all coordinated how they were planning on giving me shit in the exact same way. This I thought I’d be able to handle a little better, she was the nice one, she was the one who didn’t make you talk about things if you didn’t want to, she was the ‘I’m here if you need me friend’ but I didn’t know if any of these people even still considered me a friend.

“Do you know he’s making me work on Saturday, can you even believe that? He’s making me do the guestbook.”

“Don’t you just have to sit at the table and ask people to sign that huge picture of them? You’ll be able to direct them to his forehead or something, that’ll be fun”

“I am pregnant and miserable, I am in the last actual month they will allow pregnant women to fly in. I had to get a doctor’s note for the airline just to get on the plane Finn, I should not have to work. I should be allowed to sit in some room with air-conditioning and let people tell me how I look like I’m glowing and have strangers rub my belly”

“Where’s Chop?”

“I don’t know, it’s officially not my time to keep up with him today, I think he’s playing golf with Todd, which is sad really because he cannot play golf and he’s just going to embarrass himself and probably Archie too. But Todd’s a good guy, so I’m hoping he’ll take one for the team and not decide to bail just because Archie has annoying friends.”

“You sound like you guys are definitely still in the honeymoon phase”                          

“Oh shut up” she huffed “where is my drink? Jeez are you always this poor a host?”

“My apologies” I replied laughing, I filled a tall glass with lemonade and her level of annoyance seemed to drop at least 15 points. She settled into the sofa and propped her feet up on the table

“I’m sorry okay” she looked at her feet and then back up at me “it’s just my feet are swollen, I feel like I’m suffocating and it’s just so miserably hot here, I don’t know how you do it.”

“You get used to it” I sat down next to her “and you can keep your feet on the table, it does not offend me”

“Good because I wasn’t moving them, in fact I had decided to cry a little if you tried making me” I only responded with a laugh “so” she said glancing around the room “have you seen her yet?”

“She’s here already?”

“Well that answers my question”

“I…I didn’t know she was here…and” great what an amazing time to develop a stutter “and I’m not sure she’d want to see me either way”

“Why wouldn’t she?” the look on her face was complete confusion and for a few seconds there we just stared back and forth at each other looking quite similar. “Do you remember the night at Rae’s party, when you two fell asleep in her bed?”

I smiled without really meaning to thinking back about that night, it had gone from really bad to, extremely shitty and ended up being as okay as it could possibly have been, all thanks to Rae.

“Yeah I remember”

“Do you also recall that I was asleep at the foot of that bed?”

“How could I forget I spent half the night thinking I’d end up kicking you off the end at some point?”

“That’s beside the point” she laughed “you two always had this weird connection, it drove Chloe mad for years. She was so jealous that Rae had made this connection with some other person and I think she was even a little jealous you liked Rae more than her.” 

“It was never like that with Chloe”

“I know it wasn’t, because it was always like that with Rae”

“Izzy I don’t want to talk about this”

“I know you don’t want to talk, which is why you need to listen” she was firm and in no way taking no for an answer and I was feeling the tight squeeze of being backed up into the same corner again. I panicked again shaking my head no.

“I don’t want to know”

“I wish at some point you’d figure out how to get over yourself” she huffed

“I wish everyone would stop huffing at me all the time”

“Well you’re infuriating so you may as well accept that it’ll be a running theme for the rest of your life”

“Good to know”

“Look at me” she said sitting up, taking my hands and folding them up in her warm palms “I want you to look at me and really listen to what I’m going to say to you”

“Izzy please stop” I couldn’t meet her eyes, I knew it was going to be bad

“Finn” it was only a whisper and she let me take my own time lifting my head to finally look up at her “that girl loves you and she has loved you her entire life, I know that scares you and I know you think you ruined things but at the very least please just talk to her this weekend. Try and remember how you felt just being around her.” I jerked my hands away from her and stood up, across the room before I had even registered I was doing it

“She doesn’t love me Izzy, she loves him and I won’t ruin that for her.”

“Finn you’re wrong and you don’t even know how wrong you are”

“I think you should go, it was nice seeing you but I have things to do and” I searched for the words, something I had to do to just make her leave “and I just, I just want you to leave now”. She rolled off the sofa and walked over to me, she smiled that same happy-go-lucky smile that was contagious and pushed my hair back off my forehead

“Okay, I’ll go” she leaned over and kissed my cheek “I’ll see you Saturday, I’m sorry if I upset you”

“Yeah” I stammered “I’ll see you Saturday”