Evan Roberts

Oh God, you’re ego is getting so big I don’t know what the fuck to do about it. Why would I tell them you’re hot? Some chicks are into that whole jerky bad boy thing. You want me to wind up in jail for stabbing some bitch in the stomach for trying to come onto you? Eh, I don’t want your money. Long as you’re in bed come night time I’m good. Gross...I just sounded romantic. Gag me.

You so are. And hey you should have been a dad a long time ago too. It’s a good thing but don’t worry, I’ll let people think you’re a jack ass in public, only I know you’re not. I won’t ruin your precious little rep there babe. Earn it? Haven’t I already earned at least one pin number? Jesus what do I have to do? Fuck you in public?

Okay so as long as my bank account stays private, I’ll be safe, right? He likes me because I keep telling him how I fought all of the monsters on his books and he thinks I’m a hella tough guy. I’m almost like a super hero, except that I would steal money and keep it to myself instead of sharing it with the poor ones.

You may be safe. I have ways of getting it out of you. Seriously? Christ, you really are a dad. I guess it’s fine as long as he doesn’t turn into some asshole when he grows up, then he wouldn’t be like you.. and fucking hell God forbid he winds up with a bitch as fucked up as me. You’d share this money with me though right?

Aren’t you such a romantic? Like, please, don’t be so nice, my heart is almost melting I don’t think I can deal with such sweet and kind words.

Aww, well you know that’s my aim. Turn you into a puddle of goo and then wash you down the shower drain - but all that won’t come until I know all your pin numbers to your bank accounts so I can clean them out. The monster wants you by the way, I think I need to learn to not put him near your clothes, he keeps trying to put them on...It’s disturbing that he’s trying to be like you already.

girlcalledevan:

Well it’s good to know where your loyalties lie. They lie in bed, but the same for you, if you weren’t good in bed and didn’t know when to shut the fuck up I’d boot you to the curb in a New York minute.

Yeah well she should come back since I think she’s hilarious, and well, the mom has some help now anyways

Nah, they wont ever stop but you need to start having fun with it, come on, where is the Evan that would punch them with no doubt? You will always want to do that and maybe you should start doing just that, maybe then they wont mess with you

She kind of went into hibernation after she had a kid who she doesn’t want to turn out like a major fuck up like his mom is.

Oh don’t worry, your time will come Archer. Just wait, that chick of yours will have some and you’ll be in the same fucking boat I’m in.Don’t make me hurt you again.

This just proves how little you know me, Evan. I’m never having kids, I’m too satisfied being free.

Free? Yeah, you’re not free, hate to break it to you but you’re like attached to that girl of yours.  You telling me you’re still free when you fight tooth and nail to keep her?

So..a chick with tattoos and piercings, who happens to curse like a sailor is apparently a really bad fucking role model for their kid. Wonder if punching them in their face would be even worse…

That’s what you get for getting kids.

Oh don’t worry, your time will come Archer. Just wait, that chick of yours will have some and you’ll be in the same fucking boat I’m in.Don’t make me hurt you again.

You know what sounds very yummy? Pickles… and add some olives… and maybe some ice cream too… Not like, all mixed up, but you know… yummy

He actually behaves pretty well. Less annoying than a person following me around. He kinda has his own deal and doesn’t bother me as long as I feed him

That’s good, means all you have to do is put food down and take him out to shit every once in a while. I’m not a fan of people or really..anything that breathes to be honest.

It does, unless you make bad decisions. Last time I got wasted I got a dog. I’m not fan of animals.

Well, I can say that I’ve never done that at least. Hopefully the dog does it’s own thing and isn’t one of those attention hogs.

Time flies when you’re drunk, at least that’s what i’ve discovered

Sounds like the perfect solution to me drinking makes everything more tolerable.

Two more months until I can tell them to fuck off without losing my pension

That sucks, hopefully it goes fast, I wouldn’t be able to do it.