Giraffe Rewatches Doctor Who

In this episode we have SO MUCH Doctor shenanigans. So much. And it’s great. He starts us off having an argument with the Zarbi queen (because ants) which is rather hilarious as Ian and Vicki can’t hear her, just the Doctor. I can only assume they stumble on him arguing with himself a lot in the console room and so this really isn’t a strange occurrence for them.

We have the same old song and dance of the Zarbi queen assuming the Doctor and company are their on purpose as spies for the enemy Menoptra, the Doctor claims they’re not blah blah. Oddly, the Doctor does eventually convince her he’s not with their enemy but I’m not actually sure when? She just stops referencing this as a fact.

Anyway the queen gets pissy and tries to shoot the TARDIS as a warning but nothing happens. The Doctor is quite surprise and it turns out that Vicki just happened to fall on the console while they were being dragged away to turn the power back on.

Well. Alright then. They could have solved their problems pretty early on just by shoving Vicki into the console apparently.

Vicki and Ian do not like how thoughtful the Doctor looks at this theory.

Although I guess this means the TARDIS is vulnerable without power. I know it’s generally referred to as nigh invulnerable from the outside, but I can’t remember if they’ve ever specifically referenced after this how the shell protects it without any power.

On the other hand there was enough power somehow to open the doors with a fancy ring so maybe the writers are just making things up as they go along. It’s almost as though they never expected this show to last more than a few years or, say, just randomly off the top of my head, fifty.

The Doctor eventually convinces the queen that he’ll help her out with her war or whatever is supposed to be happening, but he’ll need access to his fancy equipment to do so. When she agrees you can almost see the Doctor’s disbelief that it’ll be just that easy to get away but of course she keeps Vicki behind as a hostage while Ian and the Doctor are allowed into the TARDIS. Good try, buddy.

The Doctor hands Ian some first aid things as he ‘must do something about that face’ and busies himself with the gigantic astral map device that I can’t imagine he gets a ton of use out of, as his standard investigation into where the hell he is consists of walking outside and poking the nearest local with his walking stick until he finds out.

Meanwhile Ian rambles about the time he saw a bunch of ants eat their way through a house which is a terrifying and not very likely image. Perhaps our science teacher has mixed up ants and termites? Anyway they drag the map out together, with the Doctor stopping only once to lecture Ian on never, ever, ever unplugging the Time and Relative Dimension Link cable, which I can only assume Susan called the TARDL.

        You realize now that I have to unplug the TARDL, right?

On a side note, I wasn’t planning on talking much about my ridiculous absence but I will say my time away seems to have inured me against giant bugs on my screen, so that’s nice. 

The Doctor whips up a plan to get Ian away and searching for Barbara in the soon to be titular Crater of Needles by throwing a hissy fit and demanding the ‘hairdryer’ back so he can speak with the queen. I hope beyond hope that this was an ad-libbed line.

He convinces the queen to let down the forcefield so as to allow his instruments to work and, of course, let Ian dash off with some beautifully slow and obvious fight choreography. 

The Doctor has some adorable grandfatherly moments with Vicki, including giving her a piece of chocolate which indicates that he’s been carrying candy on his person since the beginning. They hear, quite by chance, some of the Menoptra’s actual transmissions and we cut briefly to Ian, who I’ll get back to in a moment.

When we return to the Doctor and Vicki she’s sporting a new golden collar that puts her into the same trance as before while the Doctor gets a scolding from the queen, but seems unruffled, pointing out that now he has information and the if he or Vicki are killed the queen will never get it out of him. The queen continues to be one of the Doctor’s easiest marks yet and capitulates, allowing Vicki to be uncollared and sent into the TARDIS to retrieve a box the Doctor can’t remember the color of.

She emerges with the wrong box that quite conveniently holds a dead, preserved spider, which just as conveniently freaks out the Zarbi despite it being no bigger than Vicki’s hand (and dead, of course). I’d roll my eyes at this oh so obvious weakness for the literal giant bugs, but I’ve had to kill literally dozens of spiders since I moved into my new house a few months ago and I really have no room to talk since none of them of have been larger than my thumb.

This is literally 90% of my screenshots for this episode, just the Doctor smirking under a hairdryer. Can you imagine what kind of gossip he could be dishing in a salon right now?

This astounding discovery is the last we see of Vicki and the Doctor this episode so we’ll return back to Ian, whose lovely dance lessons seems to have failed him and he’s about to get shot down when the last surviving Menoptra, Vrestin, flies in to save the day. 

At least I assume that’s what happened. We don’t really get to see it, just Ian running away as Vrestrin steps in, then next time we see the pair they’re already pals and chilling casually on top of a cliff. You know, as you do with new friends.

I joke, but I really do love just how quickly Ian accepts Vrestrin as a friend despite her appearance and rather unique way of communicating, with exaggerated hand movements and an oddly melodic voice. Giant arachnophobic bugs aside, these are some the most unique alien designs we’ve seen so far.

Anyway, they settle on a double rescue mission for Barbara and Vrestrin’s last remaining friend she’s fairly sure is alive (though with his wings undoubtedly torn off, eugh.) Then they’re attacked and the cliff collapses. Ian really should never take up rock climbing as a hobby, he just does not have the luck for it.

I just realized as I started to write this that I never, at any point, questioned how much the giant bugs look like our bugs--only giant. I’m still not really questioning it, considering how Who puts even less effort into differentiating humans and humanoid aliens than Star Trek does (no mild facial prosthetics for our aliens), so why would the bugs be any different, but still. Thought it should be noted.

Barbara’s walking along pretty serenely with her wrist outstretched. I was genuinely torn at this point whether she was hypnotized or just resigned to being dragged into another adventure, but it’s confirmed later the ant people are using gold to hypnotize their captives. Because that’s how gold and hypnotism work.

As she’s being lured to the titular Zarbi--our giant ant friends--some other strangely large alien insects, bee-themed, swoop in and gently escort her away. They remove the bracelet and she comes to herself, sees her situation, and tries to run because she knows this shit by now. 

It doesn’t work, at least not this time, because we’ve got some expository shit to get out of the way. Although not actually a whole lot, probably because this is a six episode serial and from what I can remember it does not have enough plot to justify the length. What we do learn is that the Zarbi are enemies of the bee people locked in some kind of war.

I’m not really sure who’s winning but I do know the little scouting party of bee people are terrified and hiding out in hopes of being picked up by friends, which makes their rescue of Barbara nice, but not very sensible. As some of the bee people point out, they should really just kill her before she leads the Zarbi right to them. I’d say this seems a bit extreme, but she escapes their grasp only to run into the Zarbi and get hypnotized into doing exactly that so...they’re pretty much dead.

Which is a shame because they were the BEST gesticulators I’ve seen in a long time.

Barbara is not, however, because she’s going to the Crater of Needles to work (seriously? three out of the last four serials involving Barbara being used as forced labor?). One of the other bee people--or Menoptra as I should probably be calling them--informs her of this fate, assuming he’s heading to the same place. Not so much, it turns out, and instead he’s forced to his knees and executed in front of her.

You know, for kids!

That actually wraps up Barbara’s storyline, so let’s get back to the despairing Doctor and the unconscious Ian--role switch! Ian’s still new to this so he wakes up pretty quickly, the net gone or dissolved or something, and the Doctor quickly informs him of their not great situation. They’re both upset but keep their heads and back at the TARDIS landing site they find tracks that show it was dragged away.

So...was I hallucinating last episode? Did they not have the take off sound? I was one hundred percent certain they did...oh well, retcon or not Vicki’s been dragged away with the old girl by the Zarbi, with little to do but watch it happen on the screen, but of course the Doctor and Ian don’t know this yet.

They follow the tracks and make some scientific observations on the way, noting the strange, not likely natural lights in the sky and finding an empty husk of a giant baby bug. The Doctor seems to recognize some of these signs as pointing to a planet called Vortis, though this planet has far too many moons to be the same planet, unless there was some kind of explosive event and Vortis caught a few satellites from it.

I’m guessing this means either the Zarbi have migrated or the moons are an affect of the war, and I am genuinely interested to find out, but more importantly--the Doctor knows pretty much all of human history, right? Not in exact details but his knowledge spans pretty much all eras from creation to its eventual death. But he’s more limited when it comes to other planets? How is this decided? I mean, obviously his interest in the planet in question plays a part in how much he looks into it, but I mean more what decides at what point does he decide on the ‘definitive’ point for a planet’s history?

I’m not sure how to explain my question properly, but whatever actual time period the Doctor is from on Gallifrey, they view the rest of the universe not as static points evolving alongside (or far, far behind) them but rather as the entirety of their histories, right? I mean, that’s never stated, I don’t think, but as time traveling observers they couldn’t have any other view, not from what we do know of their breadth of knowledge and attitude. So if Vortis got a bunch of new moons, would the Doctor already know because he glanced at the planet’s file or whatever and saw the last entry--or would it be the first? Or some random but key point in the middle?

Not questions I’m expecting answers too, but if this addressed later in the show or the EU, I’d love to hear it!

Anyway, after traveling for a while and at some point ditching their space suits--obviously the surface is livable, if not comfortable for them and it’s not clear at this point if the differences in tolerance between Ian and the Doctor are down to age or species--the Zarbi surround our science pair and take them directly to the TARDIS. How nice of them!

  Why do directors keep thinking this is a good shot? It always looks awful!

Vicki’s already there, staring at the Zarbi with the wide-eyed terror of a Companion who’s finally starting to realize it’s not gonna be all lounging in villas or getting high in palaces. Ian goes straight to her when they’re reunited but the Doctor immediately dismisses them both from his mind when he sees the TARDIS, 

He is furious to see the doors open and nearly throws a hissy fit trying to get answers out of the Zarbi, even though he’d already deduced before even meeting them communication would be impossible even for the TARDIS translator. 

Two things--at this point still no confirmation that is the TARDIS helping them communicate. Secondly, I think this is the first time we’ve seen the Doctor truly angry at the thought that someone meddled with his TARDIS (aside from when he accused Ian and Barbara and that was personal as much as anything else). I can’t help but think there’s a connection between this and the fact that with Susan gone this is his last connection to her. And Gallifrey, but I don’t think he cares much about that at this point.

As he resorts to pantomime to get his point across and still fails, one of the Zarbi loses patience apparently and shoves him towards a headset kind of device, named earlier by the Menoptra as the Animus. A voice from a source we can’t see--or, presumably, the headset--asks him what the hell he’s doing on the planet. I mean. Basically.

Cliffhanger!

In this episode I got really excited for a second because I thought this was one of the recovered episodes I haven’t actually watched yet because I was saving them to rewatch in order. But no, that’s the Web Enemy and a Second Doctor story besides.

Instead we have an episode with the TARDIS once more trapped on a mysterious planet (Ian hypothesizes moon, but it appears to have a satellite of it’s own and also the episode is called Web Planet so we’ll go with that) with little to no apparent atmosphere. The Doctor says they’ve been pulled off course and no one says “We have a course?!”

Our hardy crew is more curious than concerned about this, and Barbara isn’t even that curious. She’s pretty confident in the Doctor’s ability to get them out of it eventually, whatever’s going on. Our newbie Vicki, now on her first proper adventure where shit is about to go awry, is...also pretty chill about the whole situation.

Admittedly, she’s the first Companion so far to join specifically for the chance at adventure, not that she seeks it out much this episode. I guess we don’t know what Susan wanted out of stealing a TARDIS with her grandfather, but it pretty obviously wasn’t what she got. Anyway, Vicki’s also confident in the Doctor’s problem-solving skills, although probably for different reasons than Barbara and Ian who have experience, whereas Vicki still sees the Doctor mostly as a responsible authority figure.

I’m just gonna mark that down as my new favorite running gag.

So, the other mystery besides the strange force that has lured them down is a terrible noise that periodically invades the eardrums of our crew, particularly Vicki, because she’s the youngest. Alright, I’ll go with that.

They don’t know it yet but the apparent inhabitants of the planet, a variety of giant bugs that are doing wonders for my phobia yay, are most likely the instigators of this noise for some reason or another. Vicki is incapacitated for most of the episode because of this, leaving to rest when the noise abates and spending the rest of this first story in the Room of Recovery Recliners. This is the official name.

I’m probably the staunchest defender of Classic continuity but even I get surprised when call backs like this show up.

Barbara designates herself nursemaid, going to the the corner of the console room where the Doctor just piles all his shit apparently for some aspirin, vowing to clean it up someday since he never seems to. She probably has the time, come to think of it.

A couple of questions here, firstly, what do the Companions you know, do when they’re just hanging out in the TARDIS? They sleep, of course, and watch the Doctor fiddle with the console pretending he knows what he’s doing. But what else?

Do they read? Write journals no one will ever believe? (This would be amazing, a secret collaborative journal of Companions the Doctor doesn’t know about, squirreled away in some Companion-only corner of the TARDIS.) Take up hobbies? Shop in the wardrobe? How do they pass the time? Especially when he only has one at a time and then goes off into the depths of the TARDIS on his own, leaving them to entertain themselves.

Sidenote, keeping track of your period while living in a time machine must be a pain. And it’s been implied that clocks don’t even work properly in the TARDIS, so yeah. 

Anyway, my second question is how big the TARDIS is at this point. This is a two part question as there is of course how big they intended it to be, behind the scenes, for they certainly had more than just the console room planned, but not too much more. They mostly just added rooms as they felt like it.

I mean, they still do that, but you know what I mean.Before they had it set in stone that there was no limit they did this.

And in-universe, how big is the TARDIS presently? Obviously infinite, I realize, but what set-up does it have? A recovery room, presumably some bedrooms, that weird food machine room, hopefully a bathroom or two, some room where the Doctor’s getting their spare clothes, and the console room itself...has the TARDIS created anything else since taking on the humans? When does it get a human style kitchen (this is established later on, isn’t it? I vaguely remember)? The library? Is the Zero room standard or does that come later?

       Barbara doesn’t give a shit for my burning, unending questions.

Though the mysterious noise has cut the power to the console, the Doctor, with an interesting reluctance that clearly is warring with his need to show off, reveals that his blinging ring doubles as a key somehow. From the inside. I’m not sure how that works or would be useful in any other situation but this, but okay.

Back to the story, Ian and the Doctor head out to explore, wearing fancy space duds that allow them to breathe and speak to each other despite not having anything that goes over their heads. Science! Also clearly scientific is Ian’s gold pen vanishing from his hand, which the Doctor admires as a neat magic trick. Ian’s so used to weird shit he mostly just assumes the mystery will become clear soon enough and they move on without further comment.

They don’t find a whole lot, just rocks and more rocks and one acid pond Ian nearly sticks his face into, clearly having forgotten the planet with the acid ocean.

I would have a lot more difficultly forgetting that shit, let me tell you, but it’s okay, the Doctor’s here to show Ian how fucked he’d be without the Doctor around, destroying his Coal Hill school tie in the process. Which Ian was wearing as a belt for some reason. He’s losing a lot of his stuff this episode.

So that’s the high point of their explorations, aside from the occasional glimpse of a giant bug sneaking into frame behind them for the audience’s benefit. Back in the TARDIS Barbara is tending to Vicki and not so subtly showing off the gold bracelet Nero gave her,

I’m not sure I’d want a memento of that experience, but on the other hand, gold bracelet from an emperor. I’d probably be flaunting it too. And she even gets to explain to Vicki just where it came from, which was pretty surprising for me as I figured they would just leave that irritating gulf of knowledge between them without another word.

We also get some more info on Vicki’s time as she eyes Barbara’s aspirin suspiciously, comparing the pill to leeches. She doesn’t know what aspirin is but apparently knows enough history to understand that Barbara’s era is far beyond leeches, hm. We’re told that Vicki’s generation doesn’t go to a physical school but instead used nonspecific machines for sometimes a whole hour a week, so that by the time she was ten she was certified in medicine, physics, and chemistry.

Still doesn’t know what aspirin is though.

Barbara leaves Vicki to rest and putters around the console room for a bit, until the noise starts again and starts pulling her by the bracelet towards the door, though she resists. Not enough to just take off the bracelet of course, so  soon after the noise comes again and she can’t stop it this time from pulling her outside, the strange force even opening the doors for her.

Vicki wakes to realize something is wrong and calls for Barbara, her shouts coming to Ian and the Doctor’s attention. They’re quickly waylaid by a net that drops on Ian so, at with Ian’s encouragement, the Doctor races on to the TARDIS to find that’s it’s gone--not just taken but, from the noise we hear as he arrives where they landed, actually dematerialized with only Vicki inside.

I don’t think we’ve ever had a more desolate cliffhanger. And bonus points for separating every single character in one clean swoop.

It is in this episode that I finally realized this was meant to be a breather serial, a comedic story. About slavery and political intrigue and that time a city burned down for almost a week and the casualties were enormous, all with a body count higher than most episodes that don’t have Daleks in the title . Clearly, hilarity ensues..

Okay, I’m far from against dark comedy and there were many parts of the last few episodes and this one that I found funny, it’s just...kinda weird. Particularly when there’s random and somewhat tonally jarring moments of sobriety--and Christianity? Yeah, we’ll get to that.

First we’ll start with the gladiator fight, where instead of Barbara intervening as I expected (because that would involve her getting to be proactive and the writers weren’t having any of that apparently)  Delos refuses to kill Ian.

He turns and starts waving his sword in Nero’s face instead. Hm. Maybe putting Nero’s chair two feet away from the men he was having fight to the death for his amusement wasn’t such a good idea after all. There’s a fight where Barbara tries to get away but the emperor whose most strenuous exercise is chasing women around his palace holds onto her forearms so of course she can’t get away. As everyone knows, this is the greatest weakness of a woman.

Ian and Delos on the other do manage to escape, Ian shouting to Barbara that he’ll come for her. This is particularly stupid as of course she knew this already and now Nero knows he’s coming back for her. Good job, Ian. 

Nero immediately decides he’s going to set a trap and casually kills a guard on his way out for ‘not fighting hard enough’. Seems like you could also have killed the whole lot of them for letting their fucking emperor get nearly skewered by a prisoner who then escapes with another prisoner. Both of them armed. But you know, priorities.

Back at the palace the empress calls in Tavius to tell him she wants Barbara dismissed from service. FINALLY. Why didn’t you just do this in the first place, lady? She even threatens to ‘take measures’ again and make sure they work this time. Presumably she means stabbing Barbara in the bedroom and having some other slaves take the body away because she’s the fucking empress and can do shit like that.

Anyway, Tavius agrees and feels kind of bad about it, I think, it’s hard to see through the constant smarm on his face, but it turns out okay because Barbara’s back and manages to duck the guards that are apparently watching her all the time to talk. She explains how she’s totally going to run away with Ian that night--seriously, if you ship these two this serial is your shit--and Tavius promises to help.

He says it’s fine as the empress wants her ass out anyway and also alludes to a mysterious other reason he’s helping. I’ll spoil it for you now--he’s a Christian. That’s the big plot twist of the episode (well, there’s another about the Doctor inspiring the great fire of Rome, but that’s only a plot twist if you’re actually watching this show from the beginning and don’t realize he’s inspired about ninety percent of European history).

I’m not sure why? That it feels like it’s meant to be a plot twist, I mean, not why they made him Christian in the first place. I understand the historical significance of being a secret Christian in Nero’s palace but...it has nothing to with anything. Barbara hasn’t given any hint that she’s Christian, so I guess the implication is that he’s doing it out of the goodness of his heart...specifically his Christian heart which needs to be specified as such for some reason.

I don’t know, it’s just a weirdly significant detail that means very little in the grand scheme of things. I think there’s something about Tavius finding the Christian spirit in Barbara’s charitable nature towards her sick cellmate, but it’s a subtlety that’s kind of lost when the Doctor’s on the other side of the palace playing word games with Nero.

Speaking of, Tavius explains to the Doctor about the lion themed performance he’s meant to put on later, as explained earlier by Barbara. The Doctor isn’t very concerned, while Vicki is as frightened as all the palace weed she’s presumably been smoking allows her to be. Which is not a lot.

The Doctor is also pretty unconcerned with Maximus’ apparent mission to kill Nero, which Tavius advises him to complete before, you know, the lion concert (that sounds amazing, I want to see that instead, Rafiki can conduct).

I can’t think of a better way to sum up the Doctor and Nero’s storyline than these two images.

Oh and meanwhile Ian and Delos decide to sneak into the palace despite the twelve--er I mean hundreds of guards surrounding it. It’s not really as interesting as it sounds since literally all they do is sneak in with a work party, but it does have Ian’s great line when Delos questions the sense of this goal: “I’ve got a friend who specializes in trouble.” Possibly the best description of the Doctor yet.

Back to the Doctor, he’s just happy to finally understand what Maximus was wrapped up in, calling himself a ‘would be murderer’.

I take it back, that’s the best description of the Doctor yet.

The Doctor goes back to look at Nero’s plans to redo Rome in his own image with his glasses, quickly snatching them off when Nero himself barges in, all atwitter to tell the Doctor of his concert. His bubble’s quickly popped when the Doctor jumps the gun, ‘guessing’ he’s going to put on a performance at the arena, which he’ll be sure to make a ‘roaring success’ and give a show the audience can really ‘get their teeth into’.

I can’t even be mad. I’d do the exact same thing in his place.

Nero on the other hand can get plenty pissy about it, pouting that the Doctor can’t know his plans, he just can’t. He gets even angrier when the Doctor, still spouting off puns like there’s no tomorrow, accidentally sets Nero’s maps on fire, thanks the sun’s rays being magnified by his glasses, hidden behind his back.

I’m not gonna question it, we’re almost done here.

Nero’s so furious he’s ready to have the Doctor executed without involving lions, until he realizes that burning down Rome is exactly what he needs to convince the tribunal to remodel the city in a way that glorifies himself.

I think this is actually the first kind of ‘manic’ villain we’ve had, swinging wildly from one extreme emotion to the next. Unless you count Marco Polo’s see-sawing motivations, I guess.

Anyway, the Doctor and Vicki take this chance to get the hell out of dodge, even sneaking straight out of the city with the ingenious plot of telling the only guard who stumbles onto them to ‘go away, it’s only us’. It’s hilariously simple and does make sense, since Nero would have no reason to alert the guards to Maximus leaving.

Speaking of Nero, he wastes no time in enacting his plan, sending out for the work party Ian and Delos use to sneak in and paying them to go around setting fires in Rome. I find it a little suspect that they’re all so gung-ho about widespread arson, but even more suspect is when Tavius spots Ian and instantly realizes who he is. Because Christianity, I assume.

Ian trusts this strange, smarmy looking man without question, and they pick up Barbara, who’s spent the episode staring moodily out of windows. They’re really going for a princess in a tower motif for her this time around. There’s some minor guard killing, nothing anybody cares to think about too deeply and the three are off, under the watchful eye of Tavius, who helpfully holds a cross up to the camera so we know he’s helping them because Jesus said so as opposed to...slavery is bad?

This seems kinda dangerous when you report directly to the rulers of a city not too kindly inclined towards people who like to wear crosses, but, you do you, dude.

Delos promises to walk with them part of the way back to the villa before leaving to his own home. Goodbye, Ian’s love interest I mean oneshot friend of the week. You weren’t terribly interesting but I am genuinely surprised you survived to the end and that’s something.

The Doctor and Vicki pause outside of Rome when they notice it’s, you know, on fire. They seem pretty chill about it, just excited about witnessing history. Vicki is presumably still high as those palace walls but the Doctor’s lack of compassion for the people caught up in the chaos is...well, not surprising because it’s is the First Doctor after all, but interesting.

He even waves away Vicki’s comments about how he was a part of history now, the instigator of the fire thanks to inspiring Nero to his plan. I was making notes about how different this was from Pompei and his complete disregard for any personal responsibility towards the fire when Vicki wanders away and the Doctor starts giggling excitedly to himself.

So, not so much disavowing his impact as thinking it’s pretty fucking cool. Okay then. We really are quite some ways from Pompeii, aren’t we?

 Now imagine if the Tenth Doctor ended the Pompeii episode with this face.

The next time we see anyone Ian and Barbara have finally returned to the Villa, pretty much recovered from that time they were captured and sold into slavery. You know the one, it was a whole two weeks ago. They settle pretty quickly back into their relaxation mode, with a brief scene meant to evoke the teasing jocularity of the first episode, wherein Ian finds out Barbara smashed the vase on his head and threatens to push her head into the water until she agrees to clean up the mess.

It’s, uh. Not as funny as the other ones.

Vicki and the Doctor arrive not too long after and they apparently never hear of Ian and Barbara’s adventures, the pair having deemed it too unbelievable. Really? Because a coincidental series of events leading to the four of you ending up in the most famous city of the time doesn’t seem that unbelievable with everything else that’s happened since you stepped into that junkyard.

Anyway, the Doctor mocks them for lazing it up while they were gone and declares it’s time to leave, heading off the to the TARDIS. They all follow without protest, although Ian takes the time to straight-up steal some knick knacks from this dude’s house as a souvenir. The Companions are the moral center of the show, you see.

On the TARDIS the Doctor is flying and Ian and Barbara are trying not to laugh when Vicki asks where they’re going. She doesn’t believe their pointed hints that the Doctor doesn’t know where the hell they’re ever going--I wonder how long until the Doctor falls from this pedestal she’s building--and then the Doctor confides to Ian they’re being dragged down to something.

This is...a strange episode. It feels rather like a three stooges story, when we’re not supposed to be laughing at attempted sexual assault. Or maybe that’s also like the three stooges I’ve never actually seen more than random clips. But this episode is definitely all about finding the humor in the last few days of Nero’s reign (I’m pretty sure this serial ends with Rome burning, anyway. The Doctor’s in town, after all) which is an interesting choice.

To begin with we have a little comedy routine as Nero smashes a lyre over a hapless servant’s head and stomps off to let the Doctor and Vicki enter the scene. Vicki seems to be rather bored with her role as Lyre Spotter and the Doctor seems bored with conspiracies, commenting to her ‘Oh, this fellow’ as Tavius hisses at him from behind a curtain.

He tells the Doctor the body’s been taken care of and nothing more is said on that subject. Did...did I miss something? This is the last time the man is ever mentioned, did someone say why he was killed? Who did it? Why he was left where Tavius told the Doctor to go? What was the point of that whole scene last episode?

Whatever, Tavius just goes on about the ‘thing’ Maximus is meant to do, which the Doctor tries in vain to get him to actually say. Tavius still finds nothing suspicious about this, and to be fair the Doctor is being kind of careful about his words. They part ways and the Doctor tells Vicki he really needs to figure out what he’s supposed to be doing besides playing the lyre.

Or you could...try leaving. Nero wouldn’t be happy but he seems pretty changeable and the Doctor’s already proven skilled at manipulating him, surely he could figure out a way to get back to the villa and the TARDIS. I mean, it wouldn’t work because Barbara and Ian are also hanging out in Rome being slaves, but he doesn’t know that.

Ah, we all know the Doctor just can’t resist satisfying his curiosity, though he tells Vicki before she goes off to explore that they are only observers and mustn’t change anything. Not one line! Or something to that effect.

Bet that’d be a lot easier if you weren’t involved in some kind of political conspiracy, Doctor.

I could do a whole post of just the Doctor’s expressions this episode. I’ll try to limit myself.

Anyway, we see soon enough that this warning goes right through one ear and out the other but first we check in with Barbara, being given to the Empress as a new attendant. Nero immediately takes a shine to her and the Empress isn’t pleased, seeing this as an attempt by Barbara to take her place. Um. Seems kind of a jump, but if you’re really concerned then...dismiss her? She’s your slave? You have literally all the power in this situation, you could just...send her away?

Nope. Instead she just warns Barbara off her throne I mean husband and sets her to cleaning. Then she leaves and Nero enters, attempting to pounce on Barbara, setting off a hilarious chase scene where Nero attempts to corner Barbara and force himself upon her.

Oh, the laughs we have.

The weird thing is it would be quite funny if not for that aspect, as Barbara keeps giving him the slip and either the Doctor or Vicki will step in, just missing her, to instead run into Nero. This goes on for some time too! But it just...you couldn’t have had Nero chasing down the Doctor to talk about something music related and have the Doctor trying to dodge him instead? It took me two minutes to think of one alternative and I’m not being paid for it!

Oh well, obviously nothing comes of it, Nero grabs Barbara once when she retreats back to the original room, pulling her in for a kiss but the Empress walks in and he drops her, pretending he wasn’t even aware she was in the room. Barbara leaves and the only thing worth remembering of that scene is the curtsy she drops to the Empress before she leaves. I just like that little hint of acclimation, of knowing she needs to keep blending in despite terrible circumstances.

Before she leaves, by the way, the Doctor passes by the door and hears Nero and a screaming woman and just chuckles and walks on. Wow. Really devoted to that observing thing, huh Doc? He stops Nero from killing a servant later, but this time he just walks away. Wow, dude.

Vicki, meanwhile, has stumbled on the royal poisoner’s workshop where she seems fascinated. The poisoner herself, one of my new favorite characters, is charmingly casual about her job of assisting in murder. I mean, assassination, of course. 

           Think anyone would recognize me if I tried this cosplay?

Vicki interestingly doesn’t seem all that horrified by this, but is more interested in the poisoner’s lack of concern at retaliation. Of course she doesn’t expect revenge as she only supplies the poisons and makes sure they’re applied to the right person. If anyone wants revenge they come to her for poison to sic on her previous employer. It’s all very political and thus entirely legal.

Though Vicki does get involved when she hears, after ducking out of sight, the Empress come in and make an order to poison Barbara. That seems...extreme. You literally own her, lady, why don’t you just get rid of her in some easier way? Sell her, give her away, assign her to a different part of the palace, hell, you could claim she tried to escape and have her executed! 

But no, poison is the Roman way, apparently, and poison it is. While she’s showing the poisoner which serving girl she means--no names are used so Vicki doesn’t speed the plot up too much by realizing it’s Barbara--Vicki jumps up to save the nameless serving girl just cause.

Nero and the Doctor are hanging out in an oddly pointless scene. They’re lying down in a sauna with their eyes covered and don’t see the serving boy come in and--for no apparent reason, doesn’t even seem to be an accident--pour steaming water on Nero’s crotch.

I mean, I’m not opposed to this considering the rest of this episode, but what the fuck? Nero freaks out and grabs a sword but the Doctor calms him down and possibly has the boy banished. Then he assures Nero he understood the man was only going to threaten with the sword, because I guess Nero cares about that, and Nero finally gets around to telling him there’s going to be a feast in his honor.

That about sums up the reason for this scene, though the Doctor also tries to ask Nero about the conspiracy. I can’t even begin to list the reasons why this is a terrible move and Nero becomes paranoid at the mere thought, obviously knowing nothing about whatever Maximus was involved in, but the Doctor calms him again and we move on to a...pre-feast, I think? Everyone’s eating but they’re standing and Nero takes the chance to woo Barbara with some bracelets.

Before he can get her to kiss him in gratitude a servant who may or may not be the steaming crotch guy (best nickname I’ve ever given on this blog), they all look the same to me, comes up with drinks. Barbara takes the distraction gratefully, downing her cup in one go.

For her and Ian’s sake I hope the TARDIS has a bar. Someone write that fic.

Vicki and the Doctor are loitering in a hallway nearby, of course not noticing Barbara standing right next to the emperor and they chat about things I don’t completely pay attention to because at this point I’m pretty sure Vicki is high. Like, not written that way on purpose, but she looks it and acts it and the way she casually says, ‘By the way, I think I’ve poisoned Emperor Nero’ kind of supports my theory too.

This ranks up with ‘I made some cocoa and got engaged’ of amazing situation sum-up lines, no wonder the Doctor and Vicki get along so well, and the Doctor is understandably upset. He does take the time to scold her before running off to stop Nero from drinking, entering the scene just as Barbara leaves. Of course.

Was this a Loony Tunes episode adapted for Doctor Who? Someone was having way too much fun with antics and wordplay, particularly when Nero gratefully wraps an arm around Vicki and growls about what he’ll do when he gets hand on the person responsible for nearly poisoning him. Vicki and the Doctor wisely take this as a cue to leave.

Nero gives the cup to the possible steaming crotch servant who has been annoying him all episode and lets him drink. He dies instantly. Aw. I liked him. 

I also liked the poisoner who is being sent off to the arena by the enraged Empress. Wow, if only you taken one of the endless list of options you had for getting rid of Barbara instead of hoping for some reason she would start drinking on the job. Also, was the arena really the standard punishment for people who weren’t expected to be able to fight...at all? Do you not have normal prisons in Rome? Executions that don’t involve lions?

Speaking of the arena, Ian and his buddy Delos all the while are not having such fun with wacky antics. While two extras have a truly terrible practice fight to set the atmosphere, gingerly whacking their cardboard swords together, Ian vows to find Barbara. They’re conveniently in the cell next to Barbara’s former cellmate, who recognizes Ian’s name and confirms her presence and consequent sale in Rome. So that gets Ian up to speed.

The feast at the palace is going well and the Doctor even has a plan for his performance--he’s going to pull an Emperor’s New Clothes on them all! I love it. And it’ll work we know because the Doctor gave the idea to Hans Anderson in the first place, or so he claims. He tells Nero loudly that his new composition is so light and delicate only those with keen hearing and perception will be able to hear it.

So of course he plays a completely silent piece as everyone nods appreciatively and I wonder how many really believe as Nero seems to and who realizes the Doctor is full of shit and just don’t care. It goes well until Nero sees how much attention and appreciation is being shown to the Doctor and he leaves in a fit of pique, grabbing Barbara on his way to the arena to soothe his feelings with some dead gladiators.

                             So this is Ian’s storyline, basically.

Ian and Delos are meant to fight for his entertainment and Delos pretty quickly admits he’s gonna totally kill Ian if he gets the chance and expects Ian to do the same. So much for bosom buddies! Except no, they’re still friends because they have a manly handshake and Delos even promises to make it quick if he gets the chance. Friendship.

Nero has Barbara sitting next to him in what appears to be the smallest arena in the world--they’re like a foot off the ground and when the fighters come out they’re maybe half a dozen feet away. I know the budge was small but wow, maybe you shouldn’t have had an arena scene at all then. 

Before Ian and Barbara finally FINALLY see each other Nero sets up a performance for Maximus that will be interrupted by a release of the lions.

I would make a comment about again using the arena for an unnecessarily convoluted revenge but even I have to admit I could see how that would be entertaining for a crowd. A terribly twisted crowd, to be sure, but the point remains. 

When Ian and Barbara recognized each other--how could they not when they could literally touch each other--for some reason they don’t say anything. Barbara just lets them fight until we cliffhang with Nero pointing his thumb down, demanding Ian’s death, despite that I’m one hundred percent certain she’s going to save them using Nero’s affection for her.

Or maybe not, this serial seems to have lost it’s sense of logic somewhere on the road to Rome, let’s see what actually happens next episode!

The Doctor starts us off having a grand old time fighting off his would be assassin. And doing it pretty well, actually, though it helps the guy is apparently so hydrophobic that tossing a vase of water in his face causes him to fall over amongst other factors.

Vicki runs in to ruin the Doctor’s fun, chasing the poor assassin out the window with another vase (he must really hate water). Presumably he dies, especially as the Doctor makes a flippant remark on how they don’t need to worry about him coming back, but neither of them seem to care about having just killed a man.

This is hardly surprising for the Doctor but damn, Vicki. She was mostly unbothered by the dead body in the bushes as well, maybe she just comes conveniently pre-deadened to the concept of death. You know, because of that one massacre. The one with her father.

The Doctor, by the way, explains to Vicki that he ‘so often outwitted the opposition’ he had forgotten how much he enjoyed the fine art of fisticuffs. Since we’ve only seen him really physically fight that one time with a sword--that we didn’t actually see because reconstruction--and the occasional moments when he whales on someone with his cane, I immediately assume he was part of some kind of Time Lord Fight Club back on Gallifrey.

This is canon and no one can take it from me.

He also answers my question last episode about why the Centurion didn’t just kill him right there on the street. Essentially, because murder is illegal but assassination of just fine. Alright then. As someone well-versed in Ankh-Morporkian politics, I can’t fault that logic.

Vicki is shocked the Doctor still intends to go to Rome knowing someone intends to kill him, just to assuage his curiosity. She really is new. 

Vicki shakes her head at the Doctor’s shenanigans and doesn’t ask how many more corpses will feature in their future adventures.

Five days later, the not so new Barbara is helping a sickly fellow captive into their shared cell, having finally reached Rome--coincidentally on the exact day as every other main character despite their vastly different traveling conditions. We get a reminder that Ian is supposed to find her there by Barbara’s new friend, who hopes with little actual hope in her voice that this works out.

Barbara stares off through the bars of the cell and says, wistfully, ‘If I ever see him again.’ I turn to my paper to note how the writer of these episode is seriously shipping this just as we cut to Ian’s location--an actual ship. 

I guess they just want to show a whole array of Roman slave experiences, because Ian has been rowing these past few days. But it’s okay, as his seat buddy loudly says, the plan will work. Then he pretends to die while Ian exclaims over his corpse. And then tries to grab the guard’s keys when he comes over to investigate, but misses.

Five days. This was his big plan. Come on, man. 

Turns out to be completely unnecessary as well as they later run into a storm that knocks the guard off his feet. The slaves fall upon him immediately, taking the keys and presumably going further than that though it’s not made clear before the ship is wrecked and Ian wakes up on a beach.

We get a weird, kinda pointless fake out of a mysterious figure looming, holding a rock over Ian’s head before it’s quickly revealed to be his bench pal, ready to smash Ian’s shackles off.

It’s the Doctor! Revenge at last! Nobody stays the Doctor’s hand for long.

Turns out they wrecked not too far from Rome so of course Ian heads straight for the city. His bench friend thinks this is the absolute worst plan ever as the punishment for escaped slaves is death, but though Ian tells him multiple times he doesn’t need to come along, Delos, because I guess I can start using the guy’s name even if I prefer bench pal, is our requisite bosom buddy for the serial and tags along anyway. 

He even comments that they’ve been lucky so far, it’ll probably hold (Ian, don’t mention Larry). He says this as they enter Rome and they’re surrounded by Roman soldiers literally seconds after.

I wonder if Delos got caught in the first place for tempting fate so recklessly.

Meanwhile Barbara’s being creeped on by a dude named Tavius. He seems to admire the way she cares for her sick cellmate and tries to buy her ahead of time to no avail. He claims to want to help her but though she’s intrigued she shuts him down as soon as he says he intends to do so by buying her (and not, as I would have asked for confirmation, releasing her immediately).

It doesn’t matter either way as he buys her at the auction anyway for a ridiculous sum.

Sidenote, her sick cellmate is in no condition to be sold so she’s being taken to the arena. Because nothing is more entertaining than watching a woman cough on some lions? 

Tavius works for Nero, turns out, specifically choosing slaves for the palace. He’s a hard one to pin down, as he’s definitely a creepy dude, at one point holding up some jewelry next to Barbara’s face like he’s deciding how best to match her to the decor, but isn’t bothered when she for some reason declares her intent to escape, just points out she would be executed upon capture, which of course she knows. 

He leaves to meet up with the Doctor and Vicki, or to be more specific Maximus and his Lyre spotting assistant. If you think that’s a coincidence you should have seen the Doctor hustle an oblivious Vicki by a slave auction to protect her delicate sensibilities (you know she helped you kill a man a little while ago?) just seconds before Barbara was brought out.

And if you think that’s a coincidence--turns out the Doctor’s new identity was involved in some kind of conspiracy that Tavius was also involved in, though the two had never met in person so Tavius assumes the Doctor is who he says he is and the Doctor just goes along with the talk of a secret meeting that evening. I think he may have damaged Maximus’ reputation in Tavius’ eyes, but that’s quickly salvaged by the brilliant scene that follows.

Nero finally enters the show, being played as something of a hedonistic manchild--I’m not an expert on Roman history but this seems not inaccurate a portrayal. He demands the Doctor play and the Doctor hands the lyre off to him instantly, claiming he could use the inspiration of Nero’s brilliance. Ego properly stroked, Nero takes the lyre and sends for a stool. The Doctor attempts to sit but the stool was for Nero to put his foot on, for there’s way anyone can properly play the lyre without raising one foot, obviously.

He strums once and passes the lyre back, declaring it an inferior instrument. The Doctor ignores it and copies the emperor, instantly tutting at how inferior his attempt at the same...uh, song was. Vicki nods and comments mournfully that it wasn’t as good.

Nero is terribly puffed up by all this and takes the lyre back, this time playing a few more notes before passing it back for the Doctor to try. The Doctor refuses, instead saying he could never do so well and instead says they should take this lyre to the temple. The emperor sends the ‘imperial footstool’ along with it, then wipes his hand on a nearby scribe (not a joke, he literally does this) and the Doctor and Vick discreetly high five behind him.

Well, okay, no, but they should, because that was fantastic. There’s not even a hint that they planned this out beforehand but they still meshed perfectly in the kind of competent on the job scheming I adore. It’s also interesting to note that though the Doctor is very obviously feeling paternal towards Vicki he’s working better with her as an equal than he did with Susan, I assume because of the barrier of authority that was always between them.

Speaking of Susan, the next time we see the pair there’s a dead body at the meeting site, that of the soldier who was previously escorting them. We don’t find out why this episode but I like to think it’s a welcoming gift from Tavius. He seems the type.

Because you can’t have too many cliffhangers Ian and his bosom buddy have also been taken to the arena, wondering moodily what they’re intended to fight. Uh, Ian, I know you’re not a history teacher but you’ve literally been living in this time and place for the last month. What do you think?

The TARDIS materializes on the edge of a cliff, tilting precariously a few times before inevitably falling. It is taking all of my strength not to make a when the TARDIS is a-rocking joke so let’s move on to a whole month later.

I don’t think we’ve had a confirmed length of time this long pass offscreen since Marco Polo. Apparently after their crash landing the crew has left the TARDIS on it’s side back in a quarry or something (let’s be serious--definitely a quarry). They seem to have deduced they’re in Roman times, though some distance from Rome itself, and for the last several weeks have been squatting in some dude’s house while he’s away on a campaign.

I don’t recall it being explained how they knew this guy was away along with his entire household. leaving everything he owned ripe for the picking, but I can say for certain that I would give up every lost episode forever if we could get a serial of just that month, these four chilling in some stranger’s house.

It would be amazing.

I can say that and be sure because we get scenes of these characters in the most relaxed mood they’ve ever been--somewhere Susan is pissed--being absolute dorks to each other. That’s mostly what they do in this episode, in fact. There is a plot and it moves forward at a decent pace, but it’s moved forward almost entirely by side characters while our leads undertake such strenuous tasks as long walks to the market, shopping at the marking, eating ant’s eggs, hairstyling, and naps.

Vicki is a little disappointed that her first adventure is not quite so...adventurous, but everyone else, even the Doctor, is loving the life. Including me! The Doctor’s downright giddy, talking circles around a dozy Ian, making me think of the Bartimaeus trilogy by Jonathan Stroud. It’s a fun series, but aside from that the titular character is a Djinn who narrates with plentiful footnotes because that’s the only way he can translate the multiple levels his mind works on all at the same time for human understanding.

I feel like this how the Doctor feels all the time and everyone just tends to write him off as being ditzy or rude. Not that these aren’t also accurate readings.

So that’s how the Doctor and Ian occupy themselves, food and teasing each other, while Vicki and Barbara go shopping. Barbara cautions Vicki to enjoy the rest while she can, because she can see the cameras and knows it won’t last. They pass an old lyre player and are followed by some random slave traders who are for some reason in need of more slaves before they sell in Rome. They decide to pick some people in this village.

This doesn’t seem like a workable long-term business plan, but neither does slavery in general so, whatever. Somehow Barbara and Vicki strike them as the perfect targets even before they find out they’re strangers to the village, along with the other two. They find this out from a great shopkeeper lady who makes them pay for each sentence of information, revealing also that she thinks they’re from Londonium, and so must be Britons.

I never get tired of how amused Ian looks when the Doctor’s being a shithead.

Barbara mentioned the city by name--she’s a history teacher, remember? this episode won’t let you forget it--but I wonder if they have the British accent of this time as well? What’s Vicki’s accent actually supposed to be? Doe she even speak English?

Questions that will never be answered so let’s move on to more cuteness.

Well, first a mute man with his tongue cut out kills the old lyre player and leaves his body in the bushes.

Okay, now back to the cuteness.  Barbara’s apparently cooked an amazing meal of peacock breast, lark’s tongues, and ant’s eggs. How the hell does she know how to make all of this? Did someone else make it? Why is the alien Doctor the only one here upset at unknowingly eating ant’s eggs?

Barbara and Ian take advantage of the Doctor’s otherwise good mood to air some concerns about the TARDIS they apparently they just left behind. The Doctor irritably waves away their concerns and walks off. Vicki poses the theory that he’s become annoyed at the lack of action. Barbara and Ian quickly assure her that’s not anything new.

Which Vicki really has no reason to know, as the Doctor’s been in his kooky mood for as long as she’s known him. She really has no idea how much of a dick he can be. 

That’s gonna be interesting.

The Doctor walks back in almost immediately, packing for a trip of a few day’s. Unaware that he was planning a trip in the first place, Ian inquires and the Doctor says ‘Chesterfield’ doesn’t need to approve his plans. Chesterton, says Barbara. Barbara’s calling you, says the Doctor.

This is my favorite running gag. It is never quite confirmed just how much it is the Doctor not making an effort to remember Ian’s name and how much is the Doctor just fucking with everyone, but I know this much: All I want from a Doctor and Ian reunion is the Doctor finally convincing Ian of his identity by calling him Cheshire.

He’s off to Rome, because why not, and Vicki jumps on the chance to come with and finally get a glimpse of this promised adventure. (By the way, I haven’t mentioned this yet but I do remember how Vicki leaves the TARDIS and I appreciate how her first official Companion serial foreshadows that). Ian and Barbara get to chill in the strange man’s house.

Man, can you just imagine Classic airing for a modern fandom? Forget burning up stars to say I love you, this is the kind of shit that the shippers clamor for. I don’t even really ship these two romantically but I adore the scenes we get of the pair for once not just trying to distract each other from their newest terrible situation or pushing the plot along. It’s pure fluff of teasing each other and Barbara forcing a pouting Ian to sit still while she fixes his hair to a more Roman style.

Despite his complaints he loves it instantly and starts reciting like a Roman Emperor. Barbara regrets everything.

I, on the other hand, chose this cap out an entire episode and regret nothing.

Then the slavers swoop in and guess we’re done with cuteness. Ian tries to distract them so Barbara can run, but of course she doesn’t even try, instead grabbing up a vase to smash over a slaver’s head. I love her. It doesn’t work because she accidentally knocks Ian unconscious instead and is taken away, but still. The best.

Later Barbara’s freaking out a little because of how much she knows about the Roman slave trade and how well the slaves themselves fared, to say nothing of the escapees. Ian tries to keep her calm and work on his shackles at the same time, causing a trader to come by and...lightly brush his cheek with his knuckles.

Look, some people have time to take the stage combat class, some don’t.

Before the episode ends we split up our party even further by selling Ian just a few hours after he was captured, leaving Barbara to be sold in Londoninium.

Vicki and the Doctor have no idea about their friends’ plight, but their happy journey is still marred when they find the old man’s body. Vicki is shocked at the thought of robbers on the streets, so I guess they don’t have those in the future, while the Doctor pats the corpse down and probably misses Susan. She would have loved this.

He takes the lyre, because why not loot the corpse, and then takes the man’s identity when a soldier assumes he’s the great musician himself. A soldier who likes to use his sword for emphasis, until the Doctor helpfully points out that ‘swords are dangerous’. 

The soldier is suspiciously surprised to find the musician, Maximus, unharmed. I mean, happy, of course. The Doctor finds this interesting but even more interesting is the idea of taking the man’s place to visit the court of Nero himself. So he just goes ahead and takes on the dead man’s identity for the sake of assuaging his curiosity, claiming Vicki is a girl who travels with him and ‘keeps her eye on all the lyres.’

This entire show was worth it for that single, beautiful pun. Vicki’s side-eye expression is just the beautiful icing on this cake.

The soldier takes them along as an escort and that night berates the mute assassin for his apparent failure, demanding he go up to their room and finish the job. He obviously couldn’t have done the job himself back on that otherwise abandoned road because...swords are dangerous. Obviously.

When we come back to Ian and the Doctor, they’re quickly solving the spike and pit issue by throwing Ian’s coat over the spikes and having him very carefully climb around them. Genius.

The monster rumbles a bit in its pit and wanders off, while Ian and the Doctor do the same, Ian stopping the Doctor from distractedly walking into the pit himself because he was so interested in the mechanics of the trap. You know, I’d mock this scene for it being yet another pointless forced cliffhanger monster much like the Slyther, but it actually becomes important later on. I was genuinely not expecting that.

Back in the crashed ship Barbara and Vicki (gonna have to get used to typing that instead of...you know) are hovering over a collapsed Bennett. Did I tell you he collapsed at the end of the last episode? I didn’t? Probably because it didn’t happen on screen. But it did happen and is hilarious if you’ve already seen this episode and remember the plot twist at the end. 

Bennett is perfectly fine, physically speaking, which means he chose to swoon on the spot upon seeing Barbara. I mean, I’d do the same, but still. Drama queen.

 He tries to tell Barbara her friends are dead, as revealed to him by the alien, and she brushes this off as untrue pretty quickly. She’s been in a sci-fi show long enough to know, body or it didn’t happen. She just points out he thought pushing her off a cliff was enough to kill her and obviously that didn’t work. 

Bennett instantly refuses their plan to wait until the alien returns and overpower it, a plan Vicki is pretty excited about until Bennett calls her a child (what? She’s like twenty) and says there’s nothing to gain by defeating the alien keeping them in terrified and inexplicable captivity.

Bennett is helped back to bed, literally slams the door in Barbara’s face, therefore signing his deserved death warrant, and the women start working on dinner for lack of anything better to do. Vicki goes outside to gather food and greet her pet, the leech-bull hybrid from the pit! Vicki’s got great taste in pets, you guys.

Barbara unfortunately has spent maybe just a little too long living in a sci-fi show and, upon seeing the creature, adorably named Sandy by Vicki, approaching the younger girl grabs a gun Vicki just keeps in her pantry and shoots it.

Vicki...does not react well.

I remembered of course that Classic Who was far more serialized in terms of characterization than people tend to give it credit for, but now that I’m looking for it I’m noticing even more than the first time around. While the Barbara of Unearthly Child would have probably reacted badly to Sandy’s appearance I don’t know that she would have instinctively grabbed a gun and shot it without hesitating, ignoring Vicki’s shouts to stop in the process. 

I mentioned many times the clear negative effects the travels were having on Susan but this is the clearest example of how the instincts Barbara (and, presumably, Ian) has developed don’t always turn out for the best. And, while it causes conflict between Vicki and Barbara, that particular aspect of the act isn’t really focused on, it’s allowed to just be a background detail. I like it.

I just wish Sandy hadn’t had to pay the price for this interesting characterization analysis. We could have gotten TWO new Companions!

Vicki is shouting at Barbara for killing her only friend who’s not a grumpy dude in bed all day when the Doctor and Ian find them and have a joyous reunion in front of the still grieving Vicki.

                                                     Awkward.

On a brighter note, the Doctor says ‘My dear Barbara’. No big analysis of this, I just thought it worth noting.

Ian tries to convince Vicki to let them help take down the alien, which isn’t entirely unwarranted considering he tried to kill all three of them, or at least talk to Bennett about it, but Vicki just tells them they can’t and in fact they’re likely to ruin everything. She’s been here a long time and they’ve just barged in trying to take control, thinking they know best after less than a day on the planet. She even points out that there’s already a rescue ship coming.

Wow. Second season and already we’re subverting some of our usual tropes. I mean, people have been antagonistic to their attempts to help before but I think this is the first time they’ve been called out so plainly and straight away for not only making mistakes because of their ignorance of the situation but of being ignorant of the full situation to begin with!

And by someone who’s going to be a Companion to boot!

She chases Ian and Barbara away. The Doctor stays behind, still in his kooky, kindly grandfather mood, and proceeds to talk down to Vicki about her feelings. But, you know, he’s nice about it. And she’s pretty desperate for positive attention, I’m guessing.

It’s actually a sweet scene overall, nicely showing that the Doctor probably was a good dad once upon a time, as he slowly convinces Vicki he means no harm and only wants to talk to Bennett. After all, isn’t there a chance, just a chance, that his own ideas could be better than Bennett’s? That is literally what he says, which would be startingly egotistical if he weren’t, you know, the Doctor. So. Not that startling.

In fact he promises to listen to everything Bennett says, which is very...specific. Vicki finally agrees to show him the way. He tries to send Vicki back to the others but she’s still a little annoyed at Barbara for killing her one and only friend on the planet. When the Doctor says anyone might have done the same, including himself, she disagrees. He doesn’t have the sort of face that kills things.

I’m sorry, I had to step away to laugh hysterically for a few minutes. I’m okay now.

He manages not to shift his eyes side to side like a cartoon villain about to be found out, instead pointing out that Barbara was only frightened for Vicki. He asks her again to try and understand Barbara’s point of view--I am really liking the Doctor’s gradual interest in this concept--and sends her on her way.

Bennett’s voice tells him to go away, which of course the Doctor ignores, choosing instead to pick up a nearby piece of the ship and ram the door down. Because he wants to talk.

But it’s okay. He doesn’t have the sort of face that kills things. 

                                    That’s what rocks are for.

Bennett is, shockingly, long gone, with a tape recorder in his room to put off suspicion. It probably worked better when there were only two people on the planet.  The Doctor also finds a receiver which lets him listen on the conversation in the other part of the ship, where Vicki is indeed reconciling with Barbara.

They apologize to each other, though, much as I love Barbara, I don’t see a lot for Vicki to apologize for but okay. They also take this chance for some reason to explain that they may also be from earth but quite a bit earlier. Vicki claims this is silly because they didn’t have time machines in 1963 (they didn’t know anything, apparently, she says as Ian and Barbara side eye each other).

First of all, they have time machines in the 2400/2500s then, Vicki?

Secondly. Dude. They’re time machines. They can exist in any time period. That’s the whole point.

She even scoffs at the thought the of the Doctor being a time traveler from a different age and planet altogether. I think this is the first time it’s confirmed the Doctor (and Susan by extension) is from another planet and not the more ambiguous ‘another world’.

As Vicki continues to shake her head at the thought of the Doctor with his trustworthy (and non-killing) face being from another time, the man in question loses interest in eavesdropping on his friends and starts snooping some more, finding a trap door that leads to what he recognizes as a Hall of Judgement.

The alien appears and the Doctor doesn’t bat an eye, instead telling Bennett that those masks and robes are meant to be worn on ceremonial occasions. Bennett isn’t very amused by the Doctor’s smug attitude but does thankfully remove the mask and explain that he killed another crew member for some reason he doesn’t bring up.

     This is just a really good visual summation of Doctor Who, really.

Since his arrest and crime were never radioed to earth it made perfect sense for him to rig up some explosives--I assume he escaped somehow during the crash--and killed the crew and planet inhabitants at the dinner. Vicki conveniently wasn’t aware of his crime and arrest and could back up his story of surviving an alien attack. Then they could convince the other humans to simply wipe out the planet from the sky. I feel like it wouldn’t be that simple but Bennett’s not the most far thinking person, I’d say, since this all started from a murder on the most isolated situation possible. Also because he decides to put the explodey club on the table while he explains his diabolical plan.

The Doctor points out the monstrous thinking it takes to kill not only an entire crew but an entire sentient species. You see, when he does it they usually attacked him first. So that’s okay then.

Bennett then reveals that the plan is still perfectly workable far as he’s concerned, as the Doctor continues to eye the club whenever Bennett’s not looking. They have a scuffle that does not seem to be going well for the Doctor until there’s a poof of smoke and two people--Dido citizens?--appear, scaring the shit out of Bennett.

He runs off and screams, so I guess he’s dead? And the Dido people...aren’t? I have no idea, this is never explained, they just drag the unconscious (of course) Doctor to the TARDIS and vanish again. Alright then. I guess that’s kind of hopeful? They show up at the end to smash the radio, which doesn’t really solve the problem of the rescue ship’s imminent arrival, but I guess we’re just gonna have to imagine what happens next.

The others have been waiting by the TARDIS since they found Bennett’s room empty, which means that the Doctor (brushing away the mysterious figures as a couple of strangers he doesn’t feel the need to investigate) now gets to explain to Vicki has spent the last several weeks feeding and otherwise caring for her father’s killer.

Holy shit this serial is dark.

The Doctor finishes this lovely reveal by asking Vicki if she’d like to come with them. He’s asking this time! Progress! And he even makes a point of telling her there’ll be an abundance of adventure, if she likes that sort of thing. He probably should have mentioned that the first time around.

She agrees after not very long deliberation, which is handy as Ian and Barbara come by next to ask the Doctor if he might consider having her travel with them. So, he’s made some progress, but not enough to ask or even alert the other people living in the TARDIS if they’re cool with new passengers. Baby steps.

Vicki reacts appropriately to the TARDIS interior, coming so close to saying the words, and they head straight out. The Doctor comments that they may even get a rest this time.

All the cliffhanger we need, really.

We start off a new, sans Susan era of the show with a new planet called Dido (they’re taunting me about Dodo still out of reach, I just know it) and a new, adorable Companion named Vicki. And I know that’s how you spell it because she helpfully spells it for us later for some reason. Before that she’s thrilled at seeing the radar in her crashed ship blinking the TARDIS’ landing, thinking it’s rescue come early.

Well, she’s not wrong.

But her colleague, Bennett, a mostly bedridden and too weary of the world’s woes to believe in an early rescue ship, disagrees. Especially one that lands completely silently. He’s also correct as Vicki finds when he sends her off to radio the actual ship and check--warning her beforehand not to let their mysterious keeper/captor find out or he’ll kill them both.

So. Probably shouldn’t have run shouting about it through the ship?

Inside the not rescue ship Barbara’s noticed the TARDIS has landed, because the near constant trembling of the ship has stopped, and the Doctor seems to have slept through it. This alarms the humans but not nearly as much as it would alarm me to find the only person capable of flying the time and space ship falling asleep on the job. They’re actually more concerned that it’s out of character for him (really? Cause he’s spent about forty percent of this show so far asleep).

When they wake him up and inform him of the situation he--well first of all he congratulates Barbara on stopping her trembling, sounding genuinely pleased for her which is just delightful. The Doctor’s a bit kooky this episode, and it’s sad in it’s undoubtable relation to Susan’s departure but also a nice while unintentional nod to his goofier future incarnations who like bowties and long scarves and question marks for fashionable accents.

Which makes me wonder, is there a correlation between the level of responsibility the Doctor feels and how much of his silly persona he lets out?

Four spent his life with UNIT, human adults and a fellow a Time Lord and is one of the most flippant and apparently carefree of his lives (emphasis on apparently). Then he picks up an orphan teenager and shortly after regenerates into the much more thoughtful and measured Five. Just as one example. Hm. I will keep an eye out for this.

But back to the beginning. When they explain the actual situation to the Doctor, including the part where he fell asleep before they landed, he believes them. Seriously! It’s remarkable and far more out of character! But not in a ‘bad wriitng’ way. He simply accepts the situation and it’s implications of his piloting abilities with absolute no bluster. It’s like finally admitting he was a silly old buffer let loose something inside.

    Oh, no, humans have infested the ship again! Susan, get the spray!

Anyway, after correcting the word landing as ‘materialised’ which may be the first time this is confirmed onscreen, he checks the scanner realizing they’re underground.

Barbara thinks this means they could be trapped which--you were in a tomb like, two months ago. What? The Doctor says that’s not a concern as the TARDIS can go through solid matter while in transit, which was my second point. The Doctor’s dropping all kinds of knowledge on TARDIS operations today. 

Then he turns to ask Susan to open the doors.

No. I wanted the opposite of this.

Barbara jumps in to learn how to open the doors instead, promising not to do so during transit when the Doctor brings it up. Considering she nearly died last time...well, dick move bringing that up Doctor. 

They head out to explore, except for the Doctor. He confirms they’re in a cave and then goes back inside for a nap.

See, now this is the kind of out of character shit that would concern me too. Barbara and Ian discuss this further strange behavior while about two inches from the door, Ian pointing out the Doctor’s not getting any younger.

Give it a couple more seasons, Ian.

The man in question suddenly pops his head out of the TARDIS to tell the pair that he can still hear them. Then he makes Ian pick up a rock for him to experiement and slides back inside.

This episode is amazing.

 Everyone understands this as the universal ‘getting old’ gesture, right?

Ian and Barbara go off to be accosted by a genuinely creepy alien design. It’s incredible though it’s just a guy in a mask and gloves and you can really believe that even the experienced teacher pair are frightened by its appearance.

Though it probably could have stood just a little more articulation in the face because the episode was nearly over before I stopped expecting him to take off the mask and reveal it as some kind of ceremonial thing.

(I am typing this up have rewatched the next episode and I am a genius you guys. A genius who has seen this episode before but shut up.)

Though Barbara tries to stop him Ian accidentally reveals there’s another member of their crew (just the one. :() and is reluctantly sent off to fetch him.

Barbara tries to follow but an awkward confrontation with the alien leads to her falling off the mountain.

And that’s how Barbara dies. Guess the TARDIS is a bachelor pad now.

Not for long, however, as the alien raises his jewelled club and blows up the cavern entrance, stunning Ian and trapping him inside with the TARDIS.

             I’m just gonna leave this here without comment.

Inside the Doctor is too excited to nap after all, realizing they’ve landed on the planet Dido, a return trip for himself. He even ponders if he can convince Ian this was on purpose before remembering he was asleep. First of all, this a neatly subtle explanation for how the TARDIS landed safely, if it’s at least partially from her memory banks. Secondly, I imagine pondering ways to convince people what he accomplishes he does on purpose takes up a lot of the Doctor’s time.

Then the explosion happens and he runs out to help Ian, who explains about the alien’s club and hearing Barbara scream. The Doctor remembers the club as device to help in construction he worked on last time he was here. Why don’t we encrust our construction machinery with jewels? He also claims multiple times over the rest of the episode that the Dido people are a friendly community, in part because they have a population of only about a hundred and so value life highly.

I have a sneaking suspicion this population is a great deal smaller these days.

The Doctor patches Ian up best as he can, joking it’s a shame he never got that degree (confirmed he’s not medical at this time! probably) and they head off to find an alternative route to Barbara. 

You know, splitting them off from a Companion instead of the TARDIS is at least a slightly different plot to keep them involved. Because this is only a two episode serial we gotta get things moving quick, which may have something to do with all the snappy banter this episode. Before long they’ve accidentally gotten Ian trapped above a monster pit with spikes slowly emerging from the wall to push them into the pit.

Friendly life loving people. Okay.

Speaking of life, obviously Barbara is still alive, remarkably unharmed by her fall. She grabbed a branch and slowed her fall. Sure. Vicki’s dragged her back to the ship, hiding her from the suspicious alien and then revealing to Barbara her tragic backstory.

I’m not sure if she was an official crew member but she was the daughter of one. Her father went to a dinner with the crew and the Dido people while she stayed behind with a fever, not even realizing that her father and everyone else except for Bennett was slaughtered at that dinner until she recovered a few days later.

Wow. Going dark with the new Companion I see. I also see someone in need of a new father figure and someone in need of a new daughter figure, hm.

Bennet, by the way, survived by dragging himself back and now they both live in the uncertain protection of the alien with no idea of why he’s keeping them alive and hidden from the other Dido people. Bennett is obviously not pleased to see that they have a new guest, somewhat understandably.

Before he comes in, Vicki is suddenly angry at Barbara, sensing pity and rejecting it furiously. She says she’ll be absolutely fine, no matter what happens, rescue ship or no. I see they’re also going hard on the self-sufficiency as, I assume, a reaction Susan’s codependant tendencies. It’s interesting, though I’m not sure how long it’ll last once the Doctor comes into the picture.

Let’s see. Next episode!

I already talked about the spiky pit cliffhanger so here, have a mini hand-holding montage instead.

Hoo boy. Here we go. Susan’s very last episode. She features...not very much at all until the end. Well then. Let’s start off with Ian, I guess.

While he’s frantically trying to defuse the oddly spiky bomb from the inside (really the best place to do so) I’m just noticing the Daleks have little satellite dishes on their backs. Were those always there? Will they always be there? They’re adorable.

And what, exactly, is Ian’s scientific specialty again and how does it relate to defusing bombs successfully???

He also accidentally opens a convenient trap door leading to the best slide in the galaxy and the most amazing 60s shot, even beating the paper fish person cut out falling to it’s death. I think they superimposed a shrunken Ian pretending to fall over a model of the cliff and missile shoot. It’s incredible.

He wanders around for a bit, at one point jamming the shaft with a random bundle of branches nearby and then just...keeps wandering around until the action calls for him again I guess. I wonder just how much aimless wandering and waiting we don’t get to see onscreen in these episodes?

The Doctor’s group is plotting a way to get inside involving Susan and David accomplishing most of their part offscreen, which is pretty awesome writing for a main fucking character’s last episode. Sigh.

Barbara and Jenny are brought into the headquarters of hope of enacting their plan--which mostly consisted of being taken to the headquarters. Good job!

Luckily they see the Daleks giving the robozombies some orders and decide to go for that to turn them against the Daleks before they realize they have no idea what to do next.

Barbara does a brilliant job of distracting the Daleks with her teacher skills--one jarring mention of the ‘red indians’ notwithstanding. She essentially starts revealing the rebel plans by name-checking a bunch of historical figures, battles, and strategies as they if they’re all really about to happen. It thoroughly convinces the Daleks and starts an outright panic.

Unfortunately they’re not panicked enough miss Barbara dashing for the broadcasting device and shouting into it and she and Jenny are suckered away to some metal collars attached to a pillar in the middle of the room. Do they have a lot of similarly tall prisoners in their headquarters for some reason?

Remember when the plungers were just used to pick things up and not to kill people?

This architecture just doesn’t make an sense to me. Like with the Doctor and Tyler who, making their way into the complex, using motion sensors taller than any Dalek. Is this a weird carryover from when they were still humanoid maybe?

The Doctor also mentions he doesn’t care to be called Doc and somewhere off in space and time Peri laughs in anticipation.

He and Tyler manage to sneak into the very nerve center of the Daleks whole invasion plot by...standing very still against the wall until the Daleks have passed by in single file without looking on either side at an inopportune time. Masters of warfare, conquerors of countless worlds here, people.

Because the complex is about to explode or something when the now repaired but still stuck missile goes off, they get into the main room with no trouble as the Daleks have evacuated. They release our girls and Barbara immediately shows them the broadcasting device. She demonstrates with, for some reason I am nothing but thankful for, her attempt at a Dalek voice. It mostly involves her patting her mouth as she speaks to mimic the Dalek vibrato.

Not to be outdone the Doctor adds his own orders to hers with another Dalek impression, this time focused less on special effects than on their stilted, robotic dialect.

It may be the actual cutest thing they’ve actually done together and that’s a high fucking bar. Nothing like impressions of hate-filled genocidal aliens to warm my heart with friendship.

             Meanwhile, Ian’s busy being smug he moved some sticks.

They command the robozombies to turn on the Daleks with the pretty instantaneous effect of revolution. Hm. Guess the Daleks weren’t so tough after all. Ian runs in after some time passes along with a lot of other rejoicing humans--like Wells! He’s still keeping the chaos controlled even now. I hope they make him mayor in the new  government.

Or, like, give him a vacation.

Turns out the Daleks were using the bomb to explode the earth’s crust and push it out of orbit. I still have no clue why but the Doctor is upset it would ‘disrupt the constellation’.

Yeah, okay.

Luckily Ian jammed the chute in just the right place that this won’t happen. Just a little volcanic eruption centered around the Dalek compound instead. In about ten minutes. 

Because they’re a group of smart people they only linger another minute or two before they start running. 

I feel like somehow this is nowhere near enough time to get out of that blast range but we’re almost at the end and the thing is coming, we’ve got bigger points to focus on.

An indeterminate time later the TARDIS has been unearthed and everyone’s saying their goodbyes. Except for Tyler who, true to form, just wanders off while Susan’s midsentence because he ain’t got the time for feelings. We never see him again.

Tyler and Wells need to team up. New world order, right there.

The Doctor has a conversation about rebuilding the world that delightfully parallels his conversation with the Thals, then he has a much more awkward conversation with Susan about her worn out shoe and how it’s a metaphor for her life or something, I don’t know. The shoe thing is a bit incomprehensible but Susan’s just as confused as I am so I think it’s supposed to be.

Either way it’s nice to have them having a real conversation. Not an argument, not a lecture, not a what do we do next to not die, just a nice chat about their lives together.

                          No. I don’t have a clever caption. Just. No.

He says she’s become quite lax about things since they got her way from ‘that school’ which could mean Ian and Barbara’s or the Time Lord Academy. I like to imagine it’s the latter and he’s subtly referencing the not necessarily negative influence of all the people they’ve met.

Whatever he’s talking about he’s clearly got something on his mind, as torn as Susan very obviously is, and after one last hug he takes her shoe into the TARDIS to repair it.

Susan limps over to say goodbye to David. She hates goodbyes but she also makes an effort the for certain people the Doctor often doesn’t without someone else to push him. Barbara quickly realizes the situation and pulls an oblivious Ian away while he’s trying to find out David’s farm plans.

These are their last lines to/with Susan, not even aimed at her directly. No goodbye speeches from Ian and Barbara I guess.

Susan and David have an even more awkward talk and it doesn’t take long before it falls apart and they’re declaring they’re in love with each other (??? teenagers.) and both want Susan to stay, but she can’t bear to leave her Grandfather. He needs her.

Not as much as he once did, I think.

David says he knows what she wants, that she’s never known the security of living in one time and place, of a real identity, presumably meaning not one taken from a junkyard wall. First of all, I guess he ‘s just accepting the time traveling aliens thing at face value. Fair enough.

Secondly, we probably could have handled a bit more of these apparently offscreen intimate conversations and a bit less Slyther time.

Also, David wants to get married. Whoa there buddy. I’m willing to give this ridiculousness a pass since David is still accustomed to a much shorter life expectancy and Susan gracefully ignores the proposal altogether.

Susan still can’t bring herself to agree to stay, but that’s okay, here’s the Doctor to make this life-altering decision for her!

Now, here’s the thing. I don’t agree with him making the decision for her, especially since he never, you know, discusses it with her. But I do think it is a better place for her, challenging without the constant threat of death and stable, with a chance for her to establish a life for herself before going off to have adventures as her Grandfather did, should she decide she wants that.

I don’t approve of what he does but I do believe it for his character. And to be fair to the writers, Susan was gonna be gone one way or another, they didn’t have a lot of time to develop her into someone who would willingly leave the Doctor’s side. It would be much better if we had the opportunity to see the consequences of this choice on both of them, but that’s just not the nature of the show at this point. Maybe someday.

Overall it’s a sad and believably flawed scene, as the Doctor ‘double-locks’ the door, whatever that means, calls himself a silly old buffer that Susan doesn’t need to take care of and promises to come back (ha!). All with no flubs!

It’s a lovely, bittersweet moment only briefly marred by him leaving Susan with no possessions and only one shoe. Whoops.

You know, I’m beginning to wonder if any episode won’t resolve the cliffhanger in the first five minutes of the episode. Just a bit of suspense, checking in with someone else first? Has this already happened and I’ve forgotten? Again?

Well, not this time. This time Ian and Larry are saved by a bucket lift thing just off the edge of the cliff, and of course out of sight of the last episode. They jump for it, though Larry doesn’t miss the chance for some ACTING first, nicely stalling to allow the person/people in the Slyther suit laboriously make their way in the right direction.

They make it but the Slyther isn’t so luck and falls to its apparent demise in the mines below. Well, that was an important monster with actions that involved far reaching consequences, glad they kept all of that in.

(I say this, but, no lie, I would be thrilled it they brought back the Slyther, of all things, in New Who.)

When the bucket starts lowering Ian and Larry are stuck just kinda hanging out until it reaches the ground. We don’t see it, but I like to imagine they have some nice bonding conversations on the way down, . Something along the lines of ‘My girlfriend turned into the moon/that’s rough buddy’ for you A:tLA fans out there.

Or maybe they make out, whichever.

While they bond in some way, Susan and her boys have picked up the Doctor offscreen, so we sadly don’t see his fit about being left unconscious on the ground. We do see him turn his nose up at ‘sewers --again?’ as they descend.

As far as I can recall the Doctor has never yet set foot in a sewer but alright, maybe they had some weird adventures pre-Junkyard that involved them.

There’s not much time for whining before fight scene time! A pair of robomen followed them down so we get an even better level of ridiculousness than the Dalek finale last serial they showed up in. The Doctor hides until he sees his chance to just start whaling on one with his stick, saving Tyler in the process. Tyler was doing pretty well by himself honestly before that, while Susan an David double team the other.

Do I just have make-outs on the brain today or is one about to happen here?

Someone trips while standing still, no one can seem to aim a gun at a target a whole two feet away, Susan takes one on herself to defend David, all in all it’s pretty great.

When it’s over the Doctor stops Tyler from shooting a downed robozombie, say he ‘never takes life. Only when my own is immediately threatened.’

Se, here you might expect me to jokingly reference the caveman/rock incident again, but I am honestly curious when the Doctor is supposed to have established this rule. You could argue he felt immediately threatened by the Caveman’s injuries hindering his escape, but does that extend to the shitton of Daleks he killed back in the second serial? That was the result of a complicated plan, does that constitute immediate danger?

Does that even matter or has he more recently established this rule? The early Doctor clearly had little respect for life on an individual sense and no compunctions about kidnapping or murder by rock -- was he rationalizing his actions by the code? Is it a personal thing or some all Time Lords not meant to be full and obvious villains follow as a ‘duty to the lesser species’ thing?

I have no answers, especially since we haven’t even revealed the Doctor and Susan’s actual species yet, but I find it all fascinating.

Jenny and Barbara meanwhile are forced to hide from a storm that affects no other storylines whatsoever in a not so abandoned house in the woods. There are already two women inside who never get names, older and young, not too keen on allowing strangers inside. After some highly suspicious looks and whispers between the two and bargaining with canned goods Barbara and Jenny are allowed to stay. You know, just long enough for the obvious and inevitable betrayal.

It’s revealed these two have survived so long, so close to the mines by way of a kind of working relationship with the Daleks, making clothes for the human workers.  Because the Daleks are above all else concerned with modesty.

The girl leaves to ‘deliver some clothes’ despite the storm and while Barbara and Jenny are suspicious there’s little they can do, especially since Barbara only just manages to save the professor’s notes from the old woman’s scavenging of their food. Somebody get this woman a new tanker.

The old woman reminisces about the London she remembers from before the invasion, passing the time until her colleague with a Dalek who collects our girls to work in the mines.

I’m shocked.

                This woman turned against the? Nooo, couldn’t be.

Ian and Larry are also in the mines themselves now, forced to jump down before something worse happens to the bucket. Larry lands badly and they’re forced to rest while the girls are busy being captured.

When we come back they’re discussing how odd it is the Daleks are using such primitive machinery thank you my point exactly. They manage to cover some ground and then have to hide as a work party is led past including my favorite, Wells!

Again he doesn’t even blink at these two idiots hiding behind some baskets, just informs them they’re shit hiders and need to get moving before the baskets are all collected by the workers. I love this guy.

They try just joining the work party but a robozombie notices the discrepancy in numbers--a robozombie named Phil, Larry’s brother!

Despite the questionable coincidence we get a pretty sad and affecting scene. Larry tries to get through to Phil, even invoking the name of his wife, then just gives up in despair, having found his brother in the worst kind of circumstances and tells Ian to run for it. He starts strangling Phil as Phil shoots him and they both die, just as Phil finally recognizes and names Larry. Aw. Bye Larry. You lasted longer than I expected.

Ian reluctantly runs away and Wells immediately takes charge to clear up the bodies because he is amazing and gives no fucks despite watching two men die tragically in front of him.

Ian hides in just the right place to see Barbara and Jenny herded past for their first shift. This is some time after Larry’s death, so Wells is there also because he never sleeps. He’s annoyed that yet again Ian is being terrible at not being in the worst possible place but agrees to try and get Barbara’s attention for him.

Goddammit I’m basically running this mine, now I gotta be a matchmaker?

Wells doesn’t get the chance however. Barbara is determined to get to the Dalek’s control center, more because that’s what the Doctor would do than because she has an idea of what to do when she gets there.

I like first of all that they starting to be so proactive in their own plots beyond the standard ‘where the hell is the TARDIS’ and I really like how you can so clearly see the Doctor’s influence, even at this point in his personal character development. He does make people want to be better, for one reason or another, and it’s not just a New Who concept,

She figures out a way to use the notes, using them as proof that she’s got an in with the rebels and she has the key to a rebel plot even worse, which she can only explain to the head Dalek. They reluctantly take her there, with Jenny tagging along. The Daleks know an unbreakable bond when they see one.

Susan and David meanwhile are bonding as well, with an admittedly adorable wrestling match as they try to shove a raw fish into each other’s faces. Ah. Young love.

The Doctor comes in as they kiss or almost kiss, I’m not sure. He pretends to see nothing and focuses on Susan’s cooking. He says she’s a good cook but as we haven’t seen her do anything closer to cooking than pressing some buttons for a bag of water and compressed food bars I have my doubts.

Over dinner the Doctor casually drops some knowledge about the Daleks, who obviously have London as the center of their operations and obviously they want something beyond the Earth’s crust.

There’s some nonsense about controlling the flow of living energy, the ‘forces of creation’ but I have no idea what it was about or how it relates to what the Daleks want with Earth. Instead I found most interesting the Doctor’s descriptions of the Daleks and their view of humanity. “...just a work machine. An insignificant specimen that it not worth invading...doesn’t matter to them whether you live or die.”

First of all, this is very different to the later Daleks, who care very much that humans and in fact all life should be dead and that every planet in the universe be under their control or nonexistent. This description sounds much more like the crueler kind of law abiding Time Lord actually.

Before we end this episode, one last check in with Ian and what is probably my favorite cliffhanger ever. While the Daleks get ready to degravitate the Earth or whatever the fuck, Ian hides in half a capsule. He can’t get out when the halves come together and the bomb--yes, he is trapped inside a bomb right now -- is perched over a cliff, ready to be released.

Ian is trapped inside a bomb literally hanging off a cliff.

I love this show.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but I am really digging the dramatic titles this serial. “The Daleks” notwithstanding, you always need one of those.

We begin  with our cliffhanger, where it turns out the bomb was set down about two feet away, so of course they hear the ticking (Yes, it literally ticks) and instantly surmise it’s a bomb. The doctor leaps up to take care of everything and immediately faints. And precedes to stay unconscious for the rest of the episode. Alright then.

I swear, I do not recall noticing how much time the First Doctor spends comatose throughout his run but it is amusing. I mean, not knowing how much of it was likely due to Hartnell’s health issues, but in-universe, it’s hilarious.

Susan and David are left to figure out how to save themselves as well as the rest of the city. The calm, coldly rational Susan of the last couple episodes flies out the window, although not in an unrealistically written way. She wants to grab the Doctor and haul ass out of there but David refuses, wanting to stay and disarm it.

Now, since from what I understand this is meant to take out the whole of London, it’s a sensible plan but I also like that it also establishes the difference between David’s lifestyle of staying and fixing what you were given and the First Doctor’s ‘run away first chance you get and fuck things over for the bastards in charge on the way’ style.

Now obviously the Doctor would have tried and likely succeeded to disarm the bomb himself, but more generally I mean, especially the Doctor as Susan knows him.

                              Seems to be going well for him.

So David stays and Susan stays with him, mostly watching (she only knows atomic bombs, naturally, not the ticking kind) while he casually pulls out the acid he just keeps on him to melt the casing. Somehow this doesn’t set off or destroy the bomb so he removes the timing device and stops it that way. Because the Daleks have spaceships and suits that keep them alive and headgear that brainwashes people but not bombs that go off if someone tries to disconnect the timer.

Wait. Hang on. This is millions of years before our last Dalek adventure. Forgetting the incongruity of the spaceships when they didn’t even understand the concept of space last time, how are they moving around without static electricity to keep them going? I know they eventually figure this out, but has this been explained yet? Did I miss it?

I also realized that it’s possibly the first Dalek adventure, since it’s so far in the future past this one, could be considered the very last Dalek adventure by their timeline, which keeps the optimistic ending for the Thals in place.

Don’t bother telling me how wrong I am, I’m sure I’ll be told soon enough, various exploding Skaro moments aside.

Anyway, Susan and David end up leaving the Doctor behind, despite her protests, hoping to find help, so let’s move on to the awesome part of the episode.

Barbara and Jenny are fixing up an old tanker at the musuem. Much like the jeeps in Jurassic World there’s no way it’s fixable and much like Jurassic World I don’t care. They argue a bit about whether the professor’s sacrifice was worth it, with Jenny decrying Barbara’s romantic views on Resistance.

First of all, I’m loving that someone could look at Barbara’s eternally done face and think she’s being idealistic, and secondly, that’s not the only romance I’m sensing here, just saying.

Once they get it running, leaving behind the professor’s body but not his notes, we get ready for the best fucking scene in the whole serial. Barbara’s driving  and when they come across a barricade consisting of Daleks blocking the street with their bodies, Jenny’s all ready to jump for it. Barbara says fuck that, floors it, and PLOWS RIGHT THROUGH THAT BARRICADE.

Forget the bombs, someone get that woman a tank!

Now this is a much better first date, David, Susan, take notes. And find a truck.

Jenny’s flabbergasted--possibly also a little turned on--but Barbara’s just like ‘I rather enjoyed that’, her actual line, and they just keep on going. A Dalek saucer quickly catches up to them, which they spot just in time to jump out as the tanker is blow to pieces behind them.

The words Fuck yeah were created for this moment.

They escape, of course, and when Jenny expresses some doubt at Barbara’s friends being still alive, Barbara tells her it’s fine if she wants to head off on her own. Jenny, with actual stars in her eyes, says they ‘might as well stay together’

This is the most romantic storyline we’ve had for awhile guys.

On a less irreverent note, I really do like when, in any era, Companions are given a chance to bond with one of the one-shot characters onscreen and without the Doctor’s interference.

Back to Susan and David, who have retreated to the sewer and found Tyler! I hadn’t realized he’d survived this long, so that’s a neat surprise. Let’s hope he avoids ironic tragedy better than Baker or the professor, because we are rapidly running out of rebels.

This happy reunion doesn’t last too long before we are getting down to business, heading straight back to pick up the Doctor with their extra hands.

They do have time for an interesting conversation however, when Tyler is abrupt at Susan’s questions after her friends. David explains this as a natural result  of living in an apocalyptic wasteland and constantly losing your friends.

Susan isn’t entirely soothed by this and says she’ll never allow herself to grow cold and distant like that because of pain, and loss, and fear, only ‘pretending to care’. Hmm. Like someone else she knows maybe, hm? Knows very well and is especially close to who can be cold and distant and irrationally angry and short with the people around them, hmmm.

After that the conversation turns to after they win the war, which is pretty optimistic for a bunch of people huddled in a sewer. Susan’s excited at the thought of rebuilding a world after the Dalek’s attacks, which is a nice, subtle callback to the Thal’s rebuilding. David says she could always stay and help, which I think isn’t meant to be romantic just yet, just a friendly offer to a traveler, and Susan just wistfully says ‘yes’.

You know, I wonder if aside from everything else Susan also just doesn’t feel challenged living with the Doctor. It’s not clear at what point in her education she’s supposed to be or if the Doctor (or Ian and Barbara) ever give her structured lessons. When we see him lecturing her it’s usually like he’s speaking to a small child. I think she enjoys this from a nostalgic point of view but it’s not really growing her mind much.

The Doctor certainly overshadows her efforts to contribute to their escapes most of time. She tends to outstrip him physically and keep him focused on the task at hand, but now he has two full grown adults to help with both.

This is rather similar to Nyssa and Five’s relationship, actually, except they start off on something much closer to even footing. Hm. I’ll talk about that more when we get there.

On another sidenote, David doesn’t seem at all interested in Susan romantically, which I like. She’s pretty uninterested too, and I just appreciate how they’ve got the foundation for an inevitable romance but clearly they’ve got other things on the brain.

What do you mean you’re interested in my thoughts about my own future? I don’t understand these words in this order.

We have one more scene with them where they have a brief encounter with a sewer alligator, yes, seriously, which shows that David can calm down a panicking Susan without being condescending about it, and that’s about it for them.

Ian and his new hideaway buddy Larry are, for lack of much else to do, looking for Larry’s brother, a man apparently obsessed with the reason the Daleks picked to Earth to invade in the first place.

They first find someone who’s like a management slave or something. Name of Wells, he pins them as runaways pretty much instantly but doesn’t seem overly excited about it. He just kinda shakes his head at their ineptitude, pointing out the robot zombies around, just in time for one to lumber up.

Without missing a beat he tosses them a pickax each and starts spinning a yarn about taking the two off work detail to help clean up all the tools scattered around.

Guys, Wells is my new favorite. He doesn’t even hesitate, though he gets a fist for his troubles, for making decisions on his own.

Ian refuses the now hurt man who helped them behind, so he confuses the robozombie enough to get inside a nearby earth mover with both men. He its the robozombie from behind when the dude finally catches up.

Ian and Wells, Barbara and Jenny, let these four take care of everything, we’ll be done in half the time. Larry can come too.

Wells tells them about a possibly useful man named Ashton -- see, I’m getting better about names! --who works the black market. Unfortunately he also gets to tell Ian that London has, from what they know, been destroyed.

So, the Daleks have all of this tech but can’t tell when a bomb hasn’t gone off and a city isn’t completely destroyed?

They leave and come back that night for a meeting with Ashton, running into the earthmover again at the sight of a new monster, because this serial wasn’t crowded enough just yet. This is the Slyther but we’ll get to that later. For now let’s focus on how much of an asshole Ashton is.

He demands payment for passage to London, which is somewhat understandable, specifically precious metals and jewels. Which. What? What possible use are those? Even if the Daleks left tomorrow, who would care about shiny rocks and metal?

Whatever, Wells saves their asses yet again with some jewelry, trading it for food for the workers and vouching for Ian and Larry. He also explains the Slyther as  the people eating pet of the camp’s leader Dalek, let loose at night to wander.

A worker eating pet seems kind of inefficient for the Daleks to approve of, but okay.

Ashton calls Wells a fool for not leaving when he can easily pay for it, but Wells won’t abandon the rest. Before we continue on about how awesome how Wells is we’re nearing the end, so we gotta cliffhang this shit.

The Slyther overtakes them, breaking into the earthmover, apparently eating Ashton (Yay!) and trapping the rest against a sheer drop. Less yay.

So apparently the raid at the end of the last episode did not go well at all. Nearly the entire party is killed or captured, in large part because the bombs didn’t, in fact, work.

Good thing that formula was perfect though, right professor? Saved all that time you could have wasted testing it out.

It at least goes well enough that one guy finds the Doctor and manages to get him off the ship. I think it might be Tyler but I don’t know, they all have the same hair and dirt all over their faces. 

Susan gets some more interesting character development when Barbara finds out that Ian and the Doctor are supposed to be in that ship. Susan had agreed not to tell her while they could do nothing about it and when Barbara finally does know she--in a truly interesting reversal--flips a bit trying to find them while Susan holds her back, saying there’s nothing she can do in this situation.

I can still remember back with the caveman when Barbara comforted a desperate Susan over her grandfather’s disappearance. And it’s not unbelievable character development either, Susan has definitely become progressively more and more aware of when it’s a good time to panic and when you have to stifle it.

Admittedly that’s partially because she’s slowly becoming dead inside due to the constant barrage of terrifying and often fatal situations, but, you know. Character development!

Barbara breaks free and finds Ian for about two seconds in a great scene where their eyes meet across the chaos. And then they’re broken apart almost instantly when Barbara has to throw some more bombs to save Ian’s life.

You know those Classic Who ladies. Constantly screaming damsels in distress, right?

After that everything descends totally into chaos and we fade out, fading back in at the survivor’s hideout with Barbara and maybe five others including the professor. He is shocked at how his completely untested  bombs failed. 

Everyone else is readying for evacuation, except for Barbara who refuses to leave the city for obvious reasons, as well as refusing to leave behind the professor, who wants to stay at least near enough to the Daleks that he can continue his rebellion.

They get one more survivor to stay with them, a brusque woman I rather like named Jenny, and they at least have the sense to leave the hideout for another in case the location is taken from a prisoner.

We get a too-long but fairly tense escape sequence of the three of them sneaking through the streets, ducking behind walls to avoid Dalek eyestalks, that sort of thing. It’s neat but wow does it drag. 

                                   Meanwhile, this is happening.

They eventually end up at a safe spot marked as such by the rebellion, where they regroup and the professor gives increasingly obvious hints to his eventual sacrifice. He finishes fixing his formula, supposedly, and makes Barbara promise to give her scientist friend the Doctor his notes if anything should happen to the professor.

If. Not quite savvy enough to realize the obvious, Barbara and Jenny wander off to do survival things, leaving the professor alone to grab his new bomb and wheel himself out to test it. He handily finds some patrolling Daleks, throws the bomb, and is shot, but I can’t really tell if the bomb worked at all since the storyline ends there.

So let’s jump back to Ian. This’ll be pretty short as he spends most of his time lying down with another man. Yep. That’s Ian.

He and another survivor hang out in a hidey hole underneath the floor of the ship until they land somewhere else in the city and aim to escape in the distraction. How that works out we’ll have to see next episode.

                               I’m just gonna leave this here.

Susan and David finally get a chance to bond when they run off together (not like that) and chat in their own little hidey-hole. It’s actually very sweet and establishes some similarities between their personalities and views that foreshadow a workable relationship. I personally wouldn’t deem them ready to commit themselves to each other for the rest of their lives (well. David’s life.) but I don’t have the Doctor’s foresight. Coughcough.

It also establishes David as quite different from the Doctor, most notably when he says he doesn’t believe in running away from his problems at Susan’s offer to take him along in the TARDIS. Obviously he doesn’t fully understand but he still turns her down, choosing to stay and stand behind his home and people, both concepts apparently foreign to Susan at this point.

Eventually the man who saved the Doctor brings him conveniently to Susan and David’s hiding spot, deciding to leave immediately after for his own safe haven. He makes it, no joke, about a dozen feet before running into a Dalek patrol and promptly getting killed off.

Alright then.

The Doctor, badly exhausted if not more by his ordeal, wants to take Susan back to the TARDIS but she’s been touched by David’s passion (settle down, perverts) and wants to go along with his plan to head north and rejoin the rebellion. The Doctor is stung but when David comes back from scouting he asks the Doctor’s opinion on what they should do, as the elder. Apparently this mollifies the Doctor and he suggests very casually they should head north and join up with the rebellion.

Susan rolls her eyes where he can’t see, cementing her place as The Best, but doesn’t point out his hypocrisy.

I really do not remember this serial setting up the loving conflict between the Doctor and Susan and compatibility between Susan and David so well. I’m glad she’s at least getting a good amount of character development at the end.

Our cliffhanger this time is a literal ticking bomb, set down casually by a couple of Dalek zombies near our unwitting trio, busily debating whether they should head out straight away or wait a few minutes for the patrols to pass them by.

We jump straight back to where we left off for this creatively named episode, with the Dalek emerging from the water. Ian is shocked for he recognizes the creature--by it’s voice. Yeah. That’s the only way they could have known. Lotsa alien plunger whisk creatures out there.

Thoroughly surrounded the two men are pretty screwed for the first half of this episode, though not as much as they might have been if the Dalek had recognized either of their faces. I wondered at this, while Ian wondered how the Daleks could be on earth when the Doctor destroyed them all on Skaro.

Let me just take a moment to laugh at this naive thought. Okay, done.

Putting aside Ian’s casual acceptance of the Doctor’s genocide, the Doctor explains that the Skaro adventure was millions of years into the future and so hasn’t happened yet for the Daleks.

Which...makes no sense since the Daleks didn’t even understand the concept of space travel or other worlds until the Doctor revealed them, far as I can remember. Now, you can wave that away by referencing all the other Dalek timeline interference changing that aspect of their history, but the Doctor shouldn’t know this yet.

Regardless, this episode is also interesting because it’s the first time we see aliens--not counting our Time Lord babies--on earth. As much as I’m not into the Daleks in general except for their metaphorical uses in the story, I do appreciate that they are the first invaders of earth in the series. Feels right.

I guess the Doctor doesn’t appreciate the narrative irony as much as I do.

The zombies are a new part of the Dalek mythos, alongside their capacity for space travel, and are a way to control the humans as mindless laborers and scouts. I honestly can’t recall if these come up again, unless you count New Who’s weird half-Dalek people (also don’t remember if those show up before then). They’re interesting to a point, especially since they can’t be removed without killing the person, though the control can slip enough for them to kill themselves.

Ian and the Doctor are taken to a ship along with a few other prisoners scavenged from the survivors in the ruins, one of whom of course dies attempting to escape to illustrate the hopelessness of the situation. Seems like he could have attempted that when there weren’t a half dozen Daleks around but alright then.

Our boys are put in a cell with a third man who spends the episode just being a grouch in the corner as they work on escaping. It’s understandable but boring, although he gives some nice exposition about the invasion, which the two claim ignorance of due to being on a moon station till now. It started with meteors and then a plague, which they didn’t realize until it was too late were part of the Daleks initial attacks.

They had moon stations but not enough tech to notice the fleet of ships in the system? Alright then.

Inside the cell is a clear box with some tubes and things in it, what the Doctor deduces to be the door key. Yes. Inside the cell. The Doctor explains it as a puzzle the inmates shouldn’t be able to solve and a back-up in case a Dalek locks himself in by accident. Now, we find out soon enough it was a trap to test the Doctor’s skill, but I love the image of these poor Daleks getting trapped in their own cells so often they just started keeping spare keys inside.

So they solve the puzzle, leave the cell, and are immediately shoved back inside by waiting guards, except for the Doctor who is taken to be turned into a zombie like the rest. I guess that means there’s a certain level of intellectual skill required? Maybe I misunderstood just what they were going to do to them, but before we get to that let’s hop over to Susan and Barbara’s plotline.

You know, watching it I would have said this was the far more plotty half while the Doctor and Ian just hung out in a cell, but thinking on it now not a whole lot happens with Susan and Barbara. They spend most of it asking around for exposition while Susan recuperates and Barbara, well, cooks I guess. Susan and David have some interaction but again, it’s mostly just to fill in everyone with important setting details, like the collars.

But we do get to meet a bunch of rebels who will of course all be vital to the plot later.

Also we find out there are other groups around the world of people fighting back, though their communications are failing between them, which is a nice touch and rather rare in post-apocalyptic stories set in one part of the world.

Probably most importantly is a scene with the man in the wheelchair who I believed for some reason was called professor. He is actually called Dortmun and he has created some bombs that are sure to destroy the Daleks. And you shouldn’t doubt it will work, just because they literally look like silver versions of spherical cartoon bombs and he hasn’t tested them because his formula is so obviously perfect. Or because it’s only the second episode of a six part story.

Right.

The way they decide to deliver the bombs is pretty clever at least. Unsurprisingly since it’s Barbara’s idea. She points out they have a plethora of old collars they scavenged for study and could just slip them on pretending to bring in a new load of prisoners. They love this idea so much they even bring her along.

I do wonder at how trusting these people are to such complete strangers. Do they not have an issue with traitors or people trying to collaborate with the Daleks? That would be pretty pointless, I realize, but collaborators, especially in this show, rarely understand that, but they still seem to have ignored that plot concept entirely.

I say that, but this is only the second episode and I remember very little that isn’t Susan related so I could be completely wrong so let’s move on.

The raid actually goes fairly well from what I can see, though a Thal swinging by on a rope wouldn’t have gone amiss. I’m not sure if it’s complete success, as all we see are bombs exploding and Daleks freaking out (and Susan? They brought her? Why? How? Can she walk now?) before we cut back to the Doctor’s imminent surgery.

And then, of course, we cut out again. Dun dun dun!

One more time, just because this is Susan’s last serial and I actually remember a few specific things aside from her departure: Daleks, Barbara driving a truck over some Daleks, Susan’s new boytoy David -- a James Dean looking fellow without nearly the same level of personality (sorry, David, that’s how I remember it) -- some kind of defeat of the Daleks, Susan gets some onscreen make-out time finally, and the Doctor enacts his last and most extreme control over her by locking the door of the TARDIS and presumably taking her key.

Yeah, mostly I remember that last part. But let’s not focus on that just yet.

Let’s begin with the beginning, which skips straight to our planet, a future earth, near a bridge. There’s a sign that bans the dumping of bodies into the river for hygienic reasons. It’s kind of an incredible opening shot, really, made all the better when a man in an appropriately sci-fi headgear comes stumbling out and walks straight into the river, tearing off the collar as he does so. And then he drowns. On purpose.

You know, I’ve heard some people say New Who is so much darker than Classic. Hm.

In another neat shot the title fades in and then fades out again revealing the TARDIS. Considering their limited methods with materialization effects this was a really cool idea.

Inside the TARDIS the Doctor is still at the console, sadly bereft of his cape and tutting nonsense at the controls. Because that’ll fix it. He’s agitated at the lack of a screen to check what’s happening, though the others who come in seem fine with it, hoping they might end up with a holiday this time instead of the constant dread and danger and running and so on.

Look at them, all together around the console...don’t get too used to this shot.

I’d joke about the likelihood of that happening but honestly I prefer to imagine that it does, at least every now and then. I’m sure many of his Companions genuinely enjoyed the fast paced adventure after adventure lifestyle but even those types would have needed the occasional breather that just wasn’t interesting enough to show in an episode. There are hints to that effect for the Doctor and Susan before the junkyard, even after she leaves.

Oh no. Let’s get back to the story.

They head outside to explore after double checking for air quality and radiation--which they do a few times but considering the enemies about to come up I like to think it’s a reference to those first Dalek episodes. They quickly realize it’s London, on the bank of the Thames, and only realize it’s the 2100s after finding a calendar. They have hopes that it’s only a year or two off their original time before that, which I guess means the London skyline doesn’t change much between the 1960s and the 22nd century. 

Susan tries to get a better view and ends up not only falling but bring half the riverbank down with her, blocking access to the TARDIS. I would comment on this latest trick to separate the TARDIS from her crew but I was far more interested in how much more rundown it looked before the rubble came crashing down. I’m not sure if I just never noticed, if it’s leftover from the strain of last serial, or if it’s the chameleon circuit trying to fit in a little better with the ruins around them.

Did I mention that yet? Yeah, this is a set of pretty standard post-apocalyptic apparently abandoned ruins we’ve got here. I can’t remember how far it extends past London and they don’t mention anywhere else in the world in this episode so that’ll be interesting to find out. Anyway, Susan twists her ankle, sigh, and is physically out of the game for the rest of the episode at least.

You’d think if this was my last story with my only known family I’d be spending more of it with her. Yeah, you’d think that.

They decide to explore further anyway, splitting down the gender lines this time, although I’m not sure if they really have a goal other than finding a really good shovel. Whatever they’re looking for, the girls end up having some of their own fun with the boys away, although not before Susan makes some heartbreaking remarks about change and how things should stay just as they are, which is why she’s relieved this is the wrong London.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse that I can be sure, for once, that this intended foreshadowing. I am glad to have my interpretation of Susan as desperately--and understandably!--clingy validated. I mean, they were her teachers for a few months at least before being abducted, but have they even known each other a year at this point? And yet, in her exact words, “Things have to stay as they are, don’t they. Can’t change.” Not a healthy state of mind, is what I’m saying. Even she seems to sense this, asking Barbara if the sentiment is selfish.

There are a few survivors that we know of at this point, because one pops to help Susan and Barbara run from a bunch of collared zombie people, carrying Susan through what I believe are subway tunnels to a genuinely impressive secret tunnel, although thinking on it now there’s really no reason they wouldn’t have some access to advanced technology or knowledge thereof.

Our first survivor who helped out Susan and Barbara is a bit brusque but not otherwise off putting, nor interesting enough for a nickname, so I’ll call him Tyler. Which is his name. Let’s see how long he continues to survive now that he’s been named.

I seek to differentiate him because we get a few new surviving characters, none of them David from what I can tell, unless I am completely misremembering both his appearance and personality. This is possible. I didn’t exactly find him very interesting.

Ha, okay, I was about to say I just hoped he wasn’t the asshole who first pops out of the secret tunnel and then went to check the transcript for the name. David. Of course. Okay, well, this first meeting bodes well for the relationship the Doctor views as strong enough to sustain his granddaughter in lieu of her family and friends. He emerges and immediately starts snapping at everyone, asking Barbara if she can cook and harping on her ‘yes’ for the rest of the conversation. Rest of the episode, really. 

Also, when he aks Susan what she can do, her response is a curt : “I eat.” I love her. I don’t want her to go.

So, my Grandfather’s gonna dump me here with you, huh? Why couldn’t this have been Ping-Cho’s serial.

Our third new survivor character is a leader type of man, from what I can tell, in a wheelchair which...well, I don’t remember how it’s handled but I also don’t remember getting pissed off at a magical healing plot or a noble death for the dude, so, I’ll be cautiously optimistic how that’s handled. For now he’s kinda bitter at being treated as less than capable, which is pretty believable for someone using a wheelchair during the apocalypse and surrounded  by people with such lovely personalities as David.

David is admittedly not at his best at this time, a little spooked since he thinks one of their meeting places has been compromised, as he just came from seeing strangers there. When it turns out these are the Doctor and Ian, friends of their newest rescues, to his credit he pretty much immediately heads out to save them from their ignorance of the situation, complaining about their idiocy all the while.

As Susan and Barbara are welcomed into the safety of the survivors of earth’s (??) invasion, let’s jump back to Ian and the Doctor’s explorations. There’s not actually a lot there. The biggest thing they find is a dead collared man, apparently by suicide, and aside from some delightful banter (the Doctor is not a half-wit, thank you) and one neat stunt where Ian dangles from a gaping hole in a fire escape, they don’t accomplish much and just head back to where the TARDIS is. But not, to their annoyance, Susan and Barbara.

Ian’s annoyance especially. He’s upset at this further splitting of their party, which is pretty genre savvy of him, if not enough to not split up in the first place. Oh well, he’s not that experienced at it. Only had one season, for one. The Doctor, even more savvy than Ian in this respect, points out the girls may not have simply wandered off but rather had a good reason to leave. They don’t really do anything to investigate this possible reason, but good of him for believing the better of them than usual.

Instead they just hang about hoping the girls will come back, right up until a new -- well, probably the same but whatever -- group of collared zombies circle around them, blocking every way out except the river. As David watches from a hiding spot nearby not quick enough to get there to warn them, the two contemplate the water grimly, but don’t have a chance to risk whatever could be tainting it before our big returning villain starts slowly emerging from the depths.

As a hint, let’s just say those plunger attachments are even less threatening while wet. Or, more, I guess, depending.